Somewhere In Between
by Kassiah
Summary: A tragic accident separated Edward and Bella, forcing them down paths they never envisioned. What happens when they find themselves torn between having what they always wanted and honoring commitments made? AH, Rated M for language & lemons
1. Ch1: What We Mean to Say

Thanks for reading_ Somewhere In Between__._ With few exceptions, I have removed the author's notes on the FFn version since the story is complete. Chapter notes will remain on my personal website, www (dot) kassiah (dot) com. There is also a whole bunch of other information there, including pictures, songs, and lyrics. I can't thank my lovely beta, nicnicd, enough. She went above and beyond the call of duty for me with _**every **_**single**_** chapter**_. Thank you for everything. Massive appreciation to TwiSherry, MsKathy, Kherisma, the SIB preview team who bought me in FGB, Saranic, and to everyone who supported me throughout this tale. All copyright and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No infringement is intended.

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**Chapter One: Words Aren't Always What We Mean to Say**

"Oh…Oh my _god_…"

The dim moonlight streamed through the gauzy curtains illuminating the flash of toned, pale skin moving over my body. Candlelight burned low, casting shadows around the room. The scent of the blood red roses combined with the heady sandalwood candle enveloped my senses, comforting me in ways that were only acknowledged silently, never aloud…

"That's right sweetheart," he murmured. My entire body trembled beneath him as he brushed his lips softly along the delicate patch beneath my ear, stopping there briefly before kissing a tantalizing trail down to my shoulder. Lightly grazing my skin with his teeth, he continued downward, humming in content.

Sensitive skin pebbled as he rubbed the pad of his finger across my nipple, rolling it between his index finger and thumb. Warm hands trailed from my breasts, ghosting along my side before gently grasping my hip. Placing my hands on his broad shoulders, I reveled in the feel of his slick skin against mine.

My hair spread out over the pillows in disarray as my head bowed back. Losing myself in his tempting caress, my senses gave over to the pleasure he promised with his touch.

Swirling his finger around my navel as he kissed and licked down my arm, he paused to nip slightly at my elbow before continuing his wicked path down my body. Fingertips traced slowly across my abdomen from hip to hip. Kissing my palm when he reached the end of his trail, he spun my ring around my finger before switching direction.

Lifting his head to my chest and placing his lips against my collarbone, he whispered into my skin and held me closer to him. The pressure of his touch increased as he slowly lifted me, pulling me closer to allow himself better access.

Warm breath fanned across my skin as he began to move down again, teasing. Palming and languidly caressing the length of my body. Lightly stroking the underside of my breasts. Warm blasts of air tickling gently across my ribs before full lips continued their assault down my side toward my hip as he moved lower. My nails dug into his neck when he brought his hand to the back of my thigh, massaging the responsive skin for a moment before pulling my leg over his shoulder and nudging my other leg wider.

The slight stubble from his chin rubbed against my inner thigh, heightening the sensations and sending waves of desire coursing throughout my body. The familiar coil tightened deep inside me as he flattened his tongue against me, driving me towards climax.

Mouth moving torturously slow, his deep, throaty moan sent shock waves through me and I cried out, surprising myself at the vocal acknowledgment of my immense pleasure.

A rarity… but welcomed by him nonetheless. I felt his lips move against me, smiling.

"My god," I moaned, feeling out of breath and as if the room was spinning slightly off-kilter. I was teetering on the verge of something that I hadn't experienced in _so long_.

Unhurriedly circling his tongue, drawing the pleasure out to an excruciating degree, his almost silent moans vibrated throughout my entire body. My thighs clenched tighter around his head as warm hands and a teasing touch brought me closer to the edge.

"Yes, please, don't stop." My hands lingered briefly over his before crawling up my own body and tangling into my hair. He was buried between my legs, and _fuck…_it felt so good. No doubt aware that I was perched precariously on the cusp of ecstasy, he increased his pace. I was so _close_.

But my body knew something wasn't right…

This wasn't the same; it wasn't _him_.

_Stop thinking about that right now, Bella. Focus on what he's doing to you. How he makes your body feel. Oh _god_, that feels so fucking amazing. Just a little bit…oh…_

He was swirling his tongue and oh… _god_, he was curling his fingers in just the right spot. My body started to quiver, my already ragged breaths turning into long moans—I felt like I was about to come undone.

"Fuck, you taste so sweet…" Nuzzling into me, his breath blew hot over me, eliciting a low moan. "You're so _close._ Just let go, Bella."

Circling his thumb around my clit, he plunged his tongue deep inside me. He was right; I was close. Closer to real ecstasy than any previous time before, with him.

Something held me back—unable to let go, though I tried.

Again…

Trembling as he lifted my hips higher and paused to nip teasingly at my inner thighs, I let out a frustrated sound. His tongue soothed the place his teeth had just been before returning to lick and suck at the spot he knew I liked. He tried so hard, always, to please me.

_Get over it, Bella. Focus…_

Eyes clamping shut, perspiration beading on my brow, moans–his and mine intermingling to form a sensual beat–weaving around the room as he alternated sliding his fingers agonizingly slow inside of me, then faster. It all felt so good._ I can do this…_

Teeth grazed my sensitive clit and I instinctively arched my back, moaning. I was on the brink, precariously teetering on the edge. His moans seemed distant and continuously sent small, delightful tremors dancing through my body. Reaching down, I began to run my hand through his hair.

Then I shut down.

This was wrong.

His hair was too short, too spiky, too… something.

Just…_wrong_.

Not soft and silky and thick and everything that I needed to feel in that moment. Not the same. _Never the same…_ Panic flooded through me, the swift realization that I was going to have to fake it–again–hitting me.

Tensing my muscles purposefully on his fingers as he continued touching me, begging me to come with his voice and his actions, I began the routine.

Mimicking an embellished whimper that sounded false even to my own ears, highly doubting that he would buy it, I began to move my body in time with his gentle touches instead.

Not slowing his movements, he began to plead, "Please, Bella, come…I love you, I just want to make you feel..."

Letting out an exaggerated, breathy moan, breathing in deeply as I attempted to center myself, I was suddenly assaulted with his scent–cloying, strong, overpowering. Not the one I _craved. _The dual sensation of smell and sound pulled me back. Moaning again, the sound of my voice seemed so foreign to me.

Distant.

He continued to swirl his tongue furiously over me, my body beginning to shake as my earlier desire miraculously started to strengthen again. Maybe I wouldn't have to fake this–maybe I could feel the complete and maddening rush of pleasure _right now,_ with him._ Focus Bella, he loves you, he wants you..._ Humming out another moan against me, causing my body to arch into him, his tongue delved deeper, propelling me further.

Opening my eyes just a sliver and glancing over to the dresser, I avoided looking into his piercing eyes. Instead, my gaze automatically snapped toward the image in the silver frame, immediately picking it out: a flash of green. The memory was enough to send me over the edge, the constant reminder of another green, a deeper green. My eyes closed and I was engulfed, the feeling of being tossed headlong into a pool with waters of the deepest emerald causing my body to stiffen.

Harder and more intensely than ever before with him, I came. The smarter part of my brain screamed at me to keep my mouth shut, the reckless side of me paying it no mind. Struggling to quiet myself, taking deep, gasping breaths in an effort to steady myself and stop from crying out, I moaned long and low, the immensely enticing memory proving to be too much in the end.

"Oh_ god_, y-y-yes, don't stop, please, E-Ed- _oh_! Don't stop..."

Head snapping up, eyes fierce as stared back at me, a look of hurt and anger twisted his normally handsome features into something scary and unknown.

He'd heard me.

Snatching me up into a sitting position, pressing his hands roughly into my upper arms, his trembling body caused mine to shake along with it slightly. The rage was coming off of him in waves, his voice menacing and low as he rasped, "What? What did you say?"

Knowing that I needed to calm him, my mind raced frantically, seeking some course of action to set this right. He would be hurt, justly so. Eyebrows pulled tightly together, nostrils flaring as quick, angry breaths puffed out of his scrunched face, he stared at me expectantly, waiting for an answer.

Staring directly into his eyes, my repentant voice was a low murmur when I gathered my wits enough to address him. "Don't…stop? Please, b-baby, I want this. I need you." Pawing at him, I tried to pull him closer to me. His grip on my arms loosened and I took the opportunity to straddle his lap.

Clutching his face between my hands, I pressed my lips to his, the taste of myself on them spurring me on. Peppering kisses all over his face and massaging his neck in an effort to get him to unclench and relax, I tried to coax him back to me. I needed him to understand that I _wanted_ to want this.

Using my lips to try and force his mouth open, I swept my tongue across his bottom lip and sucked on it for a moment before purposefully kissing him and grinding on him. "I know you love me, please," I murmured to him. "I want you."

He groaned, as if he were battling with himself, his resolve wavering but not giving in.

"_Please_, you feel so good. You make me feel so, so good. Please, don't stop," I coaxed, desperate.

Pressing on his shoulders, trying to get him to lie back, I rolled my hips down arduously on his cock. Kissing and tasting my way down his neck, I tried to show him that I _did_ want this. Even as he grew impossibly harder beneath me, I knew that I wasn't completely convincing him. Fuck, I wasn't even convincing myself.

He _knew_.

For a moment, though, I thought he was going to give in. He seemed to melt into my touch as I sucked delicately on his collarbone and along the base of his throat. Gently nipping his neck, I brushed open-mouth kisses up the tender skin there and to his jaw. Wrapping his arms around my back, he drew in deep, ragged breaths as I hungrily pressed my lips underneath his chin and flicked my tongue out lightly to taste his still dampened flesh.

Trailing his fingers along my spine and over my shoulders, he kissed up the column of my neck angling his head to whisper into my ear. "Tell me, Bella. Tell me you want _me_."

Turning my face, I pressed my lips to his. My hands traced over the tight planes of his perfect muscles. Ghosting over his pectorals and gliding down his abs, I sought refuge in the feel of his skin. Finally, he deepened the kiss and pulled me closer to him, threading one hand into the hair at the nape of my neck. Practically growling as he kissed me more frantically, his free hand pressed into my hip and guided my movements over him.

Relishing in the rough texture of his jaw as I continued to stroke his face and run my hands up and down his chest, I melted into him. The instant my fingers touched the top of his boxers, his hands wrapped around my wrists, abruptly stopping me.

Again, he grabbed me by my upper arms and held me out at arm's length so he could look into my eyes. Reaching out to touch his face again and biting my lip, I winced slightly at the dull pain of his fingers digging into my skin. He jerked his face away from my touch as he studied me intently, his menacing glare never dissipating.

For the briefest moment, I was afraid. Afraid that I had pushed him too far that time; that I had hurt him deeper than he was willing to accept. He shoved me down on the bed as tears started to stream down my face.

"Goddamn it, Bella. I'm not fucking doing this with you anymore." He grabbed his jeans from the floor and pulled them roughly up his legs.

Not even glancing back at me as he strode angrily toward the door, he called back over his shoulder in a taunting, cold voice. "He _left_ you. He isn't coming back to you. And if you don't fucking stop what you've been doing, you're going to end up losing everything and everyone you love. Get it through your head, Bella," he continued, intent on letting me have it. "Edward is not coming back to you. Ever."


	2. Ch2: If Only We Could Be

**Chapter Two: If Only We Could Be**

***BPOV***

The sound of the door being quietly shut woke me from my dreamless sleep. Leaning over and taking a deep breath, I ran my hand over his side of the bed, noticing the slight indentation in his pillow. I was glad that he hadn't stayed away all night, but was filled with sadness and regret that my actions the night before caused him to feel the need to leave before I had woken up.

He was probably beyond furious, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I deserved his anger. I needed to figure out how to give myself to James completely.

Even though I wasn't consciously allowing Edward to drive a wedge between us, the fact of the matter was that he had always been there, from day one of our relationship. Even when we were just friends, it was only because of Edward. _He_ was always the reason for our bond.

I _needed_ to find a way to move past that.

Regardless of the mess I'd found myself in, there was no way I was going to be able to fix this in a day, and particularly not on this day. Instead, I focused on listening to the sounds in the house. Hearing the garage door opening, I figured maybe James was leaving, but heard him pacing in the hallway a few moments later. I opted to get up and take a shower rather than face the confrontation.

Ambling into the bathroom, I leaned down to turn the nozzles on in the shower and brushed my teeth while waiting for the water to warm up. Reaching into the cabinet beside the sink, I grabbed my cleanser and lathered my face.

Stepping underneath the rain shower head, I let the wall jets soothe my tension as I swiftly washed my hair and began to lather my body with a bath sponge. Hardly believing that Alice wasn't already beating on my door, I quickly rinsed the soap from my body and added conditioner to my hair. I looked down at the tile floor and watched the suds go down the drain. _If only dealing with all of my issues were as easy as washing away my pain in this steamy place of solitude, things would be so much easier._

Knowing I wouldn't have time for a long, luxurious shower that morning, I hurriedly rinsed out the conditioner and hopped out into the cool air, wrapping first my hair and then myself into towels and heading for the closet.

Settling on a chiffon top with shades of blue, pink, orange, and brown, I nodded once to myself, thinking of how proud Alice would be when she saw my choice in fashion, especially paired with the bangles she bought me on her last trip to L.A.. I outright giggled when I imagined the look on her face as she realized I was wearing beat-up, cut-off denim shorts—at least she would approve of the label. I wasn't a fashion plate by any means, but it didn't take me too long to figure out that it was easier to just wear what she suggested or bought for me, and as an added bonus, it made James happy. After getting dressed and towel drying my hair, I elected not to bother with shoes, since anything that I picked would be deemed wrong by Alice, and I was more comfortable barefoot anyway.

I looked up toward the top of my closet, gasping when I spied the large hat box that held so many of my memories… So many memories of _us_. Some were exquisite; full of joy and happiness, trinkets and photos, letters and other assorted items that held a piece of my heart so large it was hard to let go. Others were downright heartbreaking, so much so that I didn't think I could bear to open the box and relive them.

With a sigh, I trudged out into our bedroom and grabbed a chair so I could reach the beautiful box in question. Even standing on the chair, I still had to strain on my tip-toes. As I pulled it down, a large manila envelope marked "Confidential" fell to the floor.

For a moment, I was suspended in mid-air, teetering on the verge of falling off the chair and dropping the box. I tried to recall where I had seen that envelope before. James didn't keep any of our important papers just lying around—they were all in a safe at his office. A quick flash hit me, and I realized exactly where I had seen the envelope before. Almost laughing at myself, again, I remembered that it was no big deal, just some paperwork James' best friend, Laurent, had needed kept safe.

I recalled him giving James the envelope on the evening we went out for a fancy dinner last Valentine's Day with Laurent and his girlfriend, Victoria. I mentally reminded myself that I probably should tell James where it was in case he was looking for it.

Getting down from the chair, I held the large box precariously in my hands. I didn't want to look in it, but I felt like today, of all days, I really needed to touch something that Edward had, even if I knew it wouldn't make him come back to me. I'd still feel closer to him.

The familiar scent assaulted me as soon as I pried the box open, bringing with it swatches of the past. I carefully picked up the football jersey and placed it beside me. I held my breath as I lifted the newspapers and magazine clippings and went straight for the happier contents below.

As I gazed at all of the memorabilia that chronicled my youth and my life with Edward, I recognized that maybe that day was not the right day to reminisce after all. Alice would be there soon and James could have walked in at any moment. Reverently, I put everything back into the box, just as it had been.

Whatever closure I had hoped to find in the pile of tickets, jewelry, pressed flowers, and everything else, wasn't going to come for me, that morning… or ever, really. I was deluding myself by thinking that I kept all of those relics of my former life for Gracie's sake, when in all honesty, I was simply hoping to relive my stupid fantasies of the life I thought I would have. The life I was supposed to have…

The life that I would never have again.

Shaking my head forcefully and taking a deep breath, I held back the tears that I could not allow to come. I was determined to go downstairs and make things right with my husband.

Sighing, I replaced the lid on the box after lovingly caressing the name "Cullen" emblazoned on the back of the jersey once more. I put the envelope from Laurent back on top of the box before replacing it on the top shelf of the closet—I didn't want James to question my motives for looking in the box, especially after the night before. I lugged the chair back in place before padding out of the room, down the stairs, and toward the kitchen.

Common sense told me that when I walked into the kitchen he wasn't going to let go of what had happened the night before, and I honestly couldn't say that I blamed him. The tension in the air, thick and oppressive, hung like a heavy weight around my shoulders as I shuffled over to him, looking down at my feet as I walked. I leaned against him, pressing my chest to his back and wrapping my arms around him as he stood, facing the counter.

Trying to formulate the words in my mind that would free me from the immeasurable guilt I was feeling as well as dissipate the anger I could still feel emanating from him, I tiptoed up and pressed my lips to the nape of his neck. He quickly turned around, glaring at me as he shuffled away, pushing slightly on my arm in an effort to distance himself further. Wincing at his contact, I stood there, stunned.

He didn't want me to touch him.

Desperately, I tried to think back to the last time things were like that, coming up short. To be honest, things had never been like that. I had always held back with him, even if it was subconsciously, but it was never like _that_. Wanting to move on and leave the past behind me, to give myself completely to my husband as he did to me, I grew frustrated.

Perhaps that was what had been bringing on all of the stress lately; I had been thinking about _him_ too much. And James was right; there was nothing I could do to make him come back to me. I had to move on. I had to do _something_.

There were periods of time when I felt the need for Edward more strongly than other times. Like around Gracie's birthday, or _his_ birthday. Around the holidays: Christmas, Arbor Day, any of them really. The 15th of every month. Thursdays. First thing in the morning...

Who was I kidding? At any given time, he invaded my thoughts, though I honestly tried not to let him.

But for some reason lately, it seemed like the connection that I had been clinging to so tightly was trying to renew itself. Like my heart knew I was trying to let go and move on, but was just holding on with every breath I had, every ounce that I possessed. My heart, my body, my mind, my very soul… I didn't want to let go.

Shaking myself mentally, I glanced down at the grocery list James had been jotting down. In just a few hours, practically every person we knew would be there for the barbeque. I felt sick knowing that everyone, especially all of the Cullens, would see James in this state of distress. I _had_ to fix it.

Just as I was about to turn to him, to say anything to explain, to try and make him understand that I didn't _mean_ it, I heard the soft padding of feet and saw a head full of bronze ringlet curls coming around the island. James' face quickly morphed from one of absolute disgust toward me into one of pure delight at the sight of her.

"Mama!" she squealed as she ran past me to jump into James' arms. "Jamie!" Her complete adoration of him was apparent as she pressed her tiny hands to his face and nuzzled his nose with hers. The way they loved each other was absolutely endearing. It caused my heart to tug at the sight, guilt rising at how much I had hurt someone who loved my daughter as purely and deeply as he did. "What's up, Emmy Bear?" James sang to her as her hugged her tightly to his chest and pulled back to look into her face, beaming. "What are we having for breakfast this morning?"

Her response was almost immediate. "Cereal!" She was so exuberant, always so happy and carefree. That's how any normal three-year-old would be, I guessed. She hopped down from his grip after planting kisses all over his face. He laughed as she tugged him by the hand toward her booster seat at the table.

Grabbing at my belt loops, pulling me closer for a quick peck as he passed by me, his voice was softer, gentler as he leaned down to whisper in my ear. "We'll talk later. It'll be okay, Bella." He paused for the briefest of moments before continuing, "We'll be okay. There just need to be some changes around here. _Please_." He looked down at me, his piercing blue eyes pleading with me as he searched my face.

I nodded in acknowledgment. "I know. And James, I really am…sorry," I whispered.

Words were escaping me at that moment. How could I apologize to him, really? I had practically called out another man's name while in bed with my husband. There weren't words. Nothing could absolve me. I knew what the outcome of our talk would be—the same as ever. He would suggest counseling again before pleading for us to have another child. He would remind me that I needed to list the apartment for sale, and ask me to stop having lunch with _them _so frequently.

He would beg me to _try_.

I was so sick and tired of trying. It wasn't helping; nothing I could do would make me forget. I didn't _want _to forget. Why couldn't anyone understand that?

It wasn't that I didn't _want _to get on with my life and start living again; I did. I wanted to get back to the _real-life version_ of myself, but I didn't know how to do that. Logically, I knew that Edward wasn't supposed to be the most important person in my life anymore, but he was all I'd ever known. Though I knew James loved me completely and was utterly devoted to _us_, I was afraid that it would never be enough.

I realized that it wasn't fair of me to deny James access to my whole heart, and I was hindering his ability to be the man he was meant to be, completely adored by his family. I wanted to be able to talk about it and figure out a way for us to be everything I knew we could be. All it would take was me finally letting go of the past and no longer holding on to the future that I would never have with Edward.

I just- couldn't. I couldn't let go. But I couldn't keep holding on. I was truly in limbo.

James helped Gracie into her booster seat and turned on the television before walking over to the counter to get out a bowl for her cereal. "Would you like some fruit, Emmy?" he asked. James always adored calling her Emmy; I wasn't sure if it was because he didn't like the name Emma-Grace since it was a reminder of Emmett's— or rather _Edward_'s—role in her life, or if he truly just wanted a pet name for my daughter. He had known her since before she was born. He was in love with her the moment he looked at her.

"Jamie, please can I have some watahmellon?" she looked up at him from under her lashes. It was staggering to me how much she looked like her father. And though she would never meet him and had never been influenced by him, she had so many of his mannerisms. It was downright uncanny.

James walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out the enormous watermelon. "What are you doing?" I asked him, shocked. "That watermelon is for the barbeque." I turned to face Gracie as I heard Spongebob Squarepants begin blasting from the television "_Bring it around town_!" I huffed in exasperation. "Gracie, that's for this afternoon, at the party. We can't have a Memorial Day party without a _watermelon_, can we, Sweetie? Would you like some strawberries? Or a banana?"

James grinned wickedly at her over my shoulder. "Emmy, what kind of fruit do you want, baby? Since Mommy doesn't want us to cut the watermelon…" I knew that he would give her anything she wanted, barbeque plans be damned. I grabbed the list from the counter and walked over to the island, waiting for Gracie to select her fruit.

"Nanas," she replied with a nod of her head. It irked me a little bit that she became so baby-fied when she talked to him. Around everyone else, including me, Gracie was so independent and tried to act grown-up. Her behavior with James was a different story entirely. She had him wrapped around her finger and knew it, without a doubt.

Grabbing a banana from the counter, James began peeling it before starting to cut it into small pieces. "Sweetheart, would you please write down charcoal on the list?" He seemed to be going back to normal with me. It was a bit unnerving that he could go from raging and guilt-inducing to sweet and loving with just the flick of a switch.

I jotted down his request and made a few more additions to the list. I knew that Alice would be there early to help get everything set up, and I wanted to have as much out of the way as possible before she arrived.

"Emmy," James began, "you know what I think will be fun today at the barbeque?"

She looked up at him from her seat, giggling and bouncing. "What?"

"How about we throw Mommy in the pool?"

I groaned and hit my head with my palm. "Gracie, you wouldn't do that to Mommy, would you?"

She flashed me a wicked grin that was so reminiscent of her father, it took my breath away.

Glancing out the windows, my mind instantly took me back to one of the many times I'd helped Alice with a pool party.

_It was years ago, maybe five or six years prior. We'd had a barbeque at Carlisle and Esme's house in celebration of the end of summer. Emmett burned the steaks a little because he was so wrapped up in Rose and totally not paying attention to the meat on the grill. _

_The guys all decided to play football and the girls were just sitting around, watching. I decided to be more productive and started to pick up cups and bring the leftovers inside the house. I was barefoot and walking on the grass. I still remember exactly what it felt like, the lush blades of grass tickling between my toes. _

_Edward called out to me as they were forming a huddle, and I walked over, curious. _

_Brow furrowed, his long, lean chest bare, he placed his hand on my shoulder when I stood next to him. Reaching around my back and circling his arms around my waist, he pulled me in front of him so that I was in the middle of the huddle. I leaned up on my tiptoes as he bent down slightly to gently press his lips to mine before murmuring in a low and dangerously seductive tone, "Baby, is there something you need to tell me?" _

_I had no idea what he was talking about. Perplexed, I replied, "Uh…um, no? Is there something I was supposed to tell you?" Watching as my fingers traced along his jaw, down his neck and chest, ending just above his waistband, I smiled. No question about it, Edward Cullen was a fine specimen of man. His chiseled muscles were accentuated with a light sheen of sweat from the game, green eyes sparkling like jewels, and when he looked down at me with his trademark smolder, I practically melted._

_He responded so softly, I almost had to strain to hear his voice, even though he was right in front of me. "Bella, I want to know if there is some reason you aren't watching us play. Has looking at me become boring to you?"_

_I scoffed at him. "No, Edward, there isn't a reason," I retorted, rolling my eyes. "I just thought that while you boys are out here carousing around, I would do something constructive so that when the time is right..." I stopped speaking to plant a searing kiss on his lips, moving an errant strand of damp hair from his sweaty forehead before I lowered my voice and continued. "We can get the _fuck_ outta here and go home to finally be alone."_

_From his answering smirk, he knew what I was doing: trying to distract him so we could just go home already. _

_Emmett let out a guffaw as he clapped Edward on the shoulder. "Sounds like your little lady here is awfully hot, Eddie. Wonder if there's anything we could do to help her cool down so she doesn't interfere in our game?"_

_Edward shot him a wicked grin and nodded. "I think there is Em," he replied before tightening his grip on me and lightly kissing my lips. _

_Shaking my head in protest, I tried backing away from him, but I was unfortunately still in the middle of the huddle. Everywhere I turned there were sweaty guys blocking my escape. Finally, Emmett just leaned down and scooped me up, cradling me with one arm underneath my knees and the other under my shoulder blades. _

_I squealed, kicking my feet and begging Edward to help me. He just laughed and said he couldn't wait for me to be all wet. All wet… That meant... _

_Oh, fuck… _

_I screamed for Jasper to come to my rescue. "Jasper! Please, help me!"_

_Jasper just stood there and laughed, shaking his head. "He's right, Bells. You do need to cool off a bit. In fact, I think…"_

_I didn't hear what Jasper thought because at that very moment, Edward grabbed my ankles as Emmett put his huge hands under my arms. I shrieked as they swung me out and threw me into the pool._

A delicate tinkling of laughter brought me out of my thoughts and I looked up to see Gracie feeding James little pieces of fruit and cereal. He grinned at her, his mouth agape, begging for more Cheerios.

Taking in the scene in front of me, I laughed quietly at them, and also a little bit at the memory. I missed spending time with everyone; they had been such a huge part of my life since my childhood. Now it seemed that our contact was strained whenever we had a big get-together like this.

They all tried, really hard, for my sake, to welcome James into their family. Carlisle and Esme especially went out of their way, inviting us over frequently and including James in all of their family traditions. Carlisle had even persuaded James to play a few rounds of golf with him on several occasions. In spite of all their efforts, James never seemed to fully accept them.

Nevertheless, I was grateful for their insistence in making him a part of their lives. Especially considering that it was their son I should have been married to, their son that I should have been sitting beside, and their son that my daughter should have been feeding her cereal to.

But that would never be.

Edward was gone, and there was nothing that any of us could do about it, no matter how much any of us wished to change the circumstances. It was all overwhelming, and it didn't get better. They knew it and felt it too, yet they were gracious and always beyond hospitable.

Once again, I was brought out of my musings by the sound of laughter. This time it was James who was chuckling at Gracie. I glanced at my watch before calling out, "James, Alice didn't call yet by any chance, did she?"

He looked at me with a strange expression on his face. "Bella, you know she would call your cell phone. She hasn't called as far as I know."

It was odd that Alice hadn't called yet; she was always beyond punctual. I decided not to give it too much thought—she was probably stuck in traffic. Still, it was out of the ordinary that she hadn't called to tell me she was okay.

Walking back to the kitchen counter, I picked up my purse, digging around for my cell phone. _Dead_. "Great," I muttered as I searched for the charger.

James rolled his eyes before saying, "Bella, I'm sure nothing is wrong. Believe me, Alice would find a way to get in touch with you if anything important came up that would interfere with your plans."

Alice and James got along well enough, but James really hadn't ever gotten over what happened at our wedding, just ten months ago. Alice cried the whole time during the ceremony, if you could call it that. Emmett didn't even come, citing having to work as his excuse. I knew their lack of enthusiasm over our marriage had a lot to do with the strain that was hindering James' relationship with the Cullens.

Still, I would always be grateful for everything they'd done to welcome him into their ranks. I knew without a doubt that one day Gracie would be, too.

"Mama, what am I gonna wear today?" Gracie called out to me from the table, where she was still eating.

I thought about it for a second before answering her. "Gracie, remember Aunt Alice is bringing you a new swimsuit for the barbeque. You can put whatever you want on until she gets here. Finish your breakfast, and I'll help you get ready if Aunt Alice doesn't get here soon. Okay, sweetness?"

Seemingly satisfied with that answer, she nodded and turned her attention back to the television.

James got up front he table and walked to me. "Bella, you know we're going to have to talk about this. I'd prefer to do it before _his _entire family gets here," he said quietly, so Gracie couldn't hear us.

Not knowing what to say, I tried to think of anything I could do to redeem myself, eventually deciding to just go with an apology and telling him the truth. Well, at least the version of the truth I was willing to share. "James, I don't know what happened. It isn't what you think. I love you, I wasn't really thinking about hi-" He pressed his lips to mine, cutting off my ramblings.

"Bella, I told you before we got married that I would wait for you. I'd wait forever if that's what you need. I meant it," he murmured as he traced my lower lip with his thumb. "But we got _married_. You made a commitment _to me_. You already know what I want. I don't know what else we can do, but Bella, I am begging you—things have got to change. We're going to start trying to have a baby soon, and I want to renew our vows, in front of everyone. _In a church_."

He paused for a moment, seemingly searching for the words that would magically fix everything in our relationship. I wanted him to find them, too. "Ba- Bella, sweetheart, _please_ make this," he motioned between us and around the kitchen toward Gracie, "about _us_. _Our_ family. Me, you, and Gracie." He looked at me pleadingly before continuing with renewed determination. "And, Bella, you are selling that apartment."

Shaking my head and closing my eyes for a moment before taking a deep breath, I looked him square in the eyes. "James, we are _not_ having a baby right away. We've been all over this. We don't need to keep talking about it." He shook his head and opened his mouth to argue, but I cut him off, "Why? Why do we need to have a baby so soon? Why do we need to renew our vows when we've been married less than a year?" I implored before responding to his last request. "And I am not selling the apartment."

He growled back at me. "Damn it Bella, I haven't been pushing you for what I want in our relationship, have I? I've been nothing but patient. But after last night, I'm telling you right now, things are going to change. You already know why I want to renew our vows. We got married so quickly, on the fucking Fourth of July at a family barbeque, with my friend as our officiant. My parents weren't even there, Bella. It was so rushed. Emmy wants to wear a pretty dress. I want you to be _happy_ about being with me."

Opening my mouth to respond, I was interrupted when he held his hand up, gazing at me with a look of utter determination on his face. "Bella, she's getting older every day. If we don't have a baby soon, she isn't going to be close to her little brother or sister. You don't want her to be an only child, do you?" I shook my head at him before he continued. "Just think about it."

Though he had brought this up to me so many times, even before we got married, I hadn't really considered the impact my repeated refusal of his request was having on Gracie. By holding out, basically for no reason other than my refusal to move on, I was denying my daughter the chance to be a sister.

If there was one thing I knew, it was that Edward would want his daughter to have a sibling. The bonds he shared with his siblings were something so precious to him. Was I right to keep denying my daughter this?

_I am so sick_. I thought about the new level of pathetic I had reached. Finally deciding to have a baby with my husband because Edward, who I would never see again, would want his daughter, who would never meet him, to have a brother or sister. Maybe I did need to go back to therapy. _Ugh. Like that would help._

"James, I promise, I will think about having a baby," I muttered. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me that this was a fight that I would not win. I continued, "But under no circumstances whatsoever will I concede this: I am not selling the apartment. It belongs to me… and Gracie. She might want it someday."

He threw the towel in his hands on the counter-top. "That's not up for discussion anymore, Bella, but we don't have time to talk about it today, sweetheart." He leaned down and rubbed his lips against mine before tilting his head kissing me deeply. He traced his hand up my arm before cupping my jaw and threading his fingers in my hair. He had always been so affectionate, so loving with me.

Could I keep doing this? Standing here in this kitchen with this man, wishing that I was standing with a different man, anywhere else? It was wrong on so many levels. James was a good man, successful, doting, not to mention he was gorgeous. Any woman would be lucky to be with him. He took care of me, and he cherished my daughter as if the entire universe revolved around her. Was it so much for my husband to ask me to let go of the past and honor the commitment I had already given to him?

Mulling this over, I continued to kiss my husband there in our kitchen, the sunlight streaming through the windows, warming us. James' lips were so gentle, so tender against my own. I could feel the pleading, the almost begging, in his touch.

The fact of the matter was that I could not continue to live my life like this. _He isn't coming back. Edward isn't coming back to me. Edward Cullen is not coming back to me._ I repeated this in my head over and over again, a mantra.

Trying to make the thoughts infiltrate my mind and my heart, I shook my head slightly. God knows my body felt_ his_ absence, every single day. I felt the tears starting to form beneath my closed eyelids and could not keep them from spilling out.

James pulled back slightly and brushed his thumbs along my cheek, sweeping away the tears. "Bella, _please_. Please," he whispered. He tilted his head down again and pressed his body closer to mine before encompassing my lips with his. This time, his kiss seemed more urgent, more desperate. Threading my hands into his hair and pulling him closer, I tried to pour the emotion that I was feeling back into him, as well.

Pulling back slightly and murmuring against my lips as one of his hands stroked down my arm, he grabbed my hand. "Please, baby, just let me in…" I jerked my head back and looked into his eyes, shaking my head almost imperceptibly. I could not _believe_ he called me that.

He pulled me back to him, hard. "Let _me _in, Bella. Fuck, you're my wife. I _love_ you. I need you."

Unable to say what he needed to hear in that moment, I instead leaned up on my tip toes and pulled him down slightly, again firmly pressing my lips to his. I wanted to hold on to him so tight that it would be enough. Could James want me enough to make me forget?

Suddenly, I heard his cell phone ringing. James groaned before saying, "I have to take this, sweetheart, I'll just be a moment."

As I heard him whispering on the phone, I thought about one of the many times Edward and I talked about kids. It was always wistful and so optimistic. We both knew we would have kids eventually and the thought seemed to excite Edward, even when we were just kids ourselves.

"_Bella, when we have a son, I hope he has your beautiful brown eyes." He chuckled before continuing, "but God, please let him have my coordination, baby."_

_I giggled back at him_—_it was ridiculous that he would want our son to look like me. "Well I hope that all of our kids look just like you, Edward. You're beautiful. I hope our daughter has your hair, but ringlet Shirley Temple curls. And your eyes. Of course, your eyes."_

I got what I wanted. Emma-Grace Anne Cullen was without a doubt her father's daughter.

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the bowl crashing to the floor. "Grandpa!" Gracie squealed, clapping her hands and pointing at the TV. "Mama, look, Grandpa's on TV!"

I swiveled around to look at the television and was shocked to see a picture of Carlisle on CNN. Immediately feeling a sickening sense of foreboding, I wondered what in the hell Carlisle was doing on the news. I had talked to Esme just the day before. Nothing could be wrong, could it?

_Oh God, please, please, don't let anything be wrong._

Taking deep breaths that didn't seem to fill my lungs or give me enough air, I quickly tried to push down the memories that started to swirl around from the last time I saw Carlisle's face on the news.

"…the reports are unconfirmed at this point, Nicki," the news anchor said. "But it was assumed for years that there were no survivors in the crash. Allegedly, Edward Cullen, son of CEO Carlisle Cullen, has been found alive and well in a remote Alaskan town. Reports are not in at this time as to what his condition is or exactly where he was located. Be sure to stay tuned to CNN for the latest coverage of this incredible story as we will bring more details."

A flash of light… The sight of burning fuselage… Edward's face flickering across the screen… Blackness, darkness.

The last thing I remember before I crashed to the floor was a loud banging at the door.

_Alice..._


	3. Ch3: Now I Can Feel

**Chapter Three: It Must Be for Real, 'Cause Now I Can Feel**

***EPOV***

Inhaling deeply, I took in the scents of the lush forest that surrounded me. The silence, pressing down like a thick blanket, was interrupted by the soothing sounds of a nearby creek.

_Where am I?_

I _knew_ this place. Realization washed over me as the awareness of my surroundings lulled me into a sense of security. I was standing on the edge of the meadow, again. Waiting for _her_.

Turning my head side to side, I anxiously looked around, anticipating her appearance. _Any moment now. _My breath rushed out, relief washing over me as she stepped from the trees on the far side of the meadow, her back to me.

_Who is she? _

Moonlight cascaded over her petite form, eerily casting her beautiful hair in an ethereal light. I called out to her, running in an attempt to catch up. I knew I wouldn't be able to, but I still had to _try_. Her pace never slowed and as ever, she didn't turn to acknowledge me.

"Wait! Please wait!" I cried out to her. Her steps faltered for a moment and a pang of familiarity enveloped me. "Wait for me, please," I called again. She stopped completely, face turned up toward the moon. Seeming to take a deep breath to calm herself before slowly starting to turn in my direction…

_BEEP…BEEP…BEEP…BEEP_

My annoying-as-fuck alarm clock blared incessantly at me, rattling me from my dream and causing me to yet again miss out on identifying the girl who had plagued my every thought for the past few weeks.

Reaching over to the nightstand beside my bed, I slammed my hand down on the top of the alarm clock before rolling over and groaning audibly into my pillow. _Great, just the way I need to start my day. Fuck. _I needed coffee, but I chose to linger in my bed a few more moments, thinking about _her_ and trying not to think about the other her.

Thirty-two nights. I had dreamed of this girl every night for the past thirty-two nights. The feeling that I had the first time I saw her, even though it was just a dream, overwhelmed me. I _knew _her; she had been someone important to me. My body reacted instinctively, her magnetic force pulling me forward. Always elusive and just out of reach, I didn't catch up to her in my dream that night, either.

I could feel it—I had been _so close_ to seeing her face. Disappointment and frustration washed over me as I realized that I'd once again nearly discovered my mystery girl's identity, and by extension, possibly my own.

Predictable queasiness assaulted my stomach as I thought about the monumental event that preceded the first dream I could recalling having in almost four years. I had kissed Tanya, or rather, she had kissed me.

Before that night, I had only been haunted by deep brown eyes that seemed to penetrate into my soul, calling out to me and seemingly imploring me not to forget—or to remember, I wasn't sure which. Since that night, the dreams of the still nameless face had intensified and become more vivid, morphing from haunting brown eyes into the delicate frame of a woman with long, flowing hair.

My alarm started to sound again, signaling the end of my 'snooze' time. Hugging my pillow to me for a moment, I thought once more of haunting brown eyes before sitting up, swinging my legs over the side of my bed, and running my hands groggily over my face. The cold from the wood floor jolted me out of my still-sleepy haze.

Padding into the kitchen, I turned on the coffee maker, grumbling to myself that I hadn't purchased the kind with a timer. Walking back down the hall and through my room to the bathroom, I prepared to take a quick shower while waiting for the coffee to percolate.

Stepping into the shower, the water and steam relaxing my tired muscles, I lathered my hair with shampoo. Leaning back into the water, I rinsed my hair and grabbed the soap that Tanya had recently bought for me. It was a new brand and smelled faintly of the forests that surrounded us. Flashes of my mystery girl assaulted me and I found myself gripping my aching cock.

Giving in to the fantasy of finally catching up to her in our meadow, I imagined her long, beautiful legs wrapping around me, her creamy skin illuminated by the moonlight. I tightened my hold and started to stroke my lathered hand up and down. I thought about her hair falling over her shoulder, and what it would be like to run my hands through the silken, mahogany locks, to trail my lips over her shoulder and up her neck, sucking her lobe into my mouth and gently biting down.

I had never wanted anything like I wanted her. I wanted to know everything about her, how her skin would feel as I pressed my fingers into her, the shape and texture of her lips as I kissed her, the sounds she would make as she writhed underneath me while I made her mine.

Perhaps most of all, I wanted to know who she was, and whose name she would call out as she came.

Swallowing hard and trying to steady my breaths, I lifted my arm to the wall of the shower and rested my forehead against it as my dick grew impossibly harder. Tightening my grip, I stroked faster; up, down, from base to tip, twisting my palm slightly as I reached the head and imagined what it would be like if she was there with me.

Eyes rolling back, I groaned and pressed my forehead further into my arm as I picked up speed. I breathed in ragged, gulping breaths, inhaling the steam from the shower and the woodsy scent of the soap. A low grunt emitted from my throat as I thrust my hips harder, pumping myself more furiously. My balls started to tighten as I sped toward my release, imagining her hot little mouth on me, her haunting brown eyes looking up at me as she worked me over.

"_Oh please_," I groaned out, imagining my mystery girl complying to my appeals, my hand moving faster, stroking harder, longer. As my body tightened, my release building to a satisfying conclusion, flashes, like those from an old movie projector, started in my mind. Her eyes, always those eyes.

With a trembling shudder, my cock started to twitch and pulse in my hand as I came, harder than usual… Well, harder than when I wasn't imagining _her_. _My god_…

That had been the most intense orgasm that I could ever remember having. Thoughts of my mystery girl continued to swirl in my head as I cleaned up, barely finishing before the hot water ran out. I was _so_ going to be late for work.

**X-X-X-X-X**

Finishing up my paperwork, I started to clean off my desk so I could close up for the night. I wasn't sure if it was general lack of sleep, being interrupted from my dream, or the inventory mishap, but days like that day frustrated me. Remembering the incredulous look on Alec's face when I complained about the supplier shortchanging our order of Wilson volleyballs made me realize that I _needed_ a night out.

I had been working for Volturi Outfitters for almost four years. I grimaced at the piles of paperwork stacked on my desk as I remembered how much my life had changed in the time since I started working there, all the way at the bottom as a stocker. The assistant manager position became mine pretty quickly when the owner, Aro, noticed I had a penchant for business. I probably would've become the general manager even earlier if it weren't for Aro's brother and co-owner Caius, who didn't trust anyone, me included.

Picking up an ornate picture frame from the corner of my desk, I chuckled at the memory of the day Aro offered me the promotion. The photograph was taken on the day a large group of campers came through, practically cleaning the store out of equipment. After we finished taking care of them, Aro beckoned me into this very office, telling everyone else to wait outside for us.

"_Anthony," he started, looking serious, "I have something important to discuss with you about this store. But first, I'd like to know your intentions toward my niece."_

_I shook my head as I fought to answer his question without laughing. "My intentions, sir? Toward Tanya?"_

I became the new general manager right after I explained that, though I loved her like she was a member of my family, I didn't have _any_ intentions toward Tanya, except strictly platonic ones. It was, after all, because of her that I was still alive.

Almost four years ago, Tanya happened upon the scene of a near-fatal car crash, and although she was alone and not trained to help in any capacity, she stopped to see what she could do. The engine of the car was on fire, and I was trapped inside. Had she been just a moment later, it would have been too late. As she pulled my unconscious body from the wreckage, the car exploded in a burst of flames, destroying everything within it.

She had risked her own life to save mine.

Waking up about a month later in a bed at Palmer Valley Memorial Hospital, I had no recollection of anything from my past. Except for the pair of haunting brown eyes that I wasn't sure belonged there, I still didn't.

The doctors told me that I had had been in a terrible accident, had retrograde amnesia, and that my memory may never return. Due to my injuries from the crash, I remained in the hospital for another month. Tanya had been with me every step of the way, constantly checking in on me and taking me to physical therapy when I was finally released.

She had been so helpful and supportive; it was because of her that I had my job as well as the closest thing to a family that I was going to get without the return of my memory. Her uncle, Marcus, was the doctor that oversaw my treatment, and he convinced his brothers to take a chance and hire me.

It had all been so confusing for me. I don't know what I would have done if Tanya and her family hadn't taken me in, given me a job, and treated me like one of their own. I got along exceptionally well with Tanya's brother-in-law, Garrett, and loved to tease her cousin, Jane. The relationship that I enjoyed with their family made me constantly wonder about my own family; if I had one, did they know I was alive? Were they still looking for me?

Shaking my head, I tried to interrupt the thoughts that were threatening to take over as they had so many times before. My search for my own identity had proven fruitless, leading me to believe that no one was, in fact, looking for me. Tanya's brother, Demetri, had run the VIN number of the car I was driving and searched for any missing persons matching my description, all to no avail.

Logically, it seemed that I must have been alone before the crash, perhaps with no family to speak of, but I just couldn't shake the overwhelming feeling that I hadn't been- that I was missed by someone and I would never be complete or be able to move on until I knew for sure. Practically every thought I had was overshadowed by the brown eyes that resided in my dreams; I couldn't get her out of my head, whoever she was.

It was because of her, or the idea of her really, that I hadn't been able to fully adhere myself to life here in the remote community of Talkeetna, Alaska. I could have a wife and five kids somewhere else for all I knew. With no idea of when or even _if_ my memory would return, I just couldn't do that to anyone—or myself.

Trying to deal with my situation and be happy enough in my job and my place with Tanya's family, I held back from being romantically involved with anyone, especially Tanya. I just couldn't be sure that I hadn't made a commitment to someone else or that I didn't have a family waiting at home for me.

Home, wherever that was…

Brushing my fingertips over the heavy picture frame, I sighed. Standing in the photo with Tanya and me were her sister and brother-in-law, Kate and Garrett, along with her cousins, Alec and Jane. After I found out about the promotion, we stood outside to take the picture—all friends and smiles and so happy. They had all come to mean so much to me.

My gaze fell on Tanya, so beautiful and intelligent. She was everything that I should rationally want in a woman and had been so patient with me for so long. I had decided that it was finally time—time to try and fit together the pieces of my life that could be reconciled to my situation, time to put an end to her waiting, time to _live_.

It wasn't that I hadn't thought of it before. Kate had set me up on a few dates, but I didn't want to lead anyone on. I just wasn't ready. Not to mention that I felt obligated to take Tanya's feelings into consideration. Just thinking about the crestfallen look on her face when I told her what I had planned for a date one evening with one of Kate's cohorts solidified my resolve to not pursue any romantic relationships. Since I was unwilling to seek one with her, all of that was on the back-burner for me.

It was no secret that Tanya wanted me. She expressed her desire for us to be an '_us' _for as long as I had been there and had gotten downright nasty with Kate for arranging a date between myself and someone else. She was constantly touching me, trying to hold my hand or loop her arm through mine. Knowing I could not reciprocate her feelings without the details of my past and my immense respect for her, led me to never encourage her brazen attempts to take our relationship further.

Until that night, that was. That night, all of that was going to change.

A loud guffaw from outside broke me from my musings. Before I could get up to investigate, Garrett came barreling into my office.

"Tony! S'up, dude?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "Don't call me Tony, man. You know that's not my name."

He raised his hands in surrender and lifted his brow. "Really? Anthony's not your name either, brah."

He was right, of course. I had no recollection of my past, _including my name_. Before releasing me from the hospital, the therapist thrust a sheet of paper containing a list of names into my hand and asked me to choose something. Anthony was one of the first names on the list and it felt…right.

_Tony_, however, did not.

I shrugged at Garrett before answering. "For all you know, that is my name. So, anyway, did you need something? I'm just finishing up my paperwork so I can get the hell outta here. You _know_ I have plans tonight that I can't be late for."

Letting out an uncomfortable laugh, he scratched the back of his neck before finally speaking. "Yeah, uh, that's actually what I came to talk to you about. T is _stoked_, dude. She's been at the house all fucking day, getting 'ready' with Katie."

I inwardly smiled at the thought of them spending the day together, excited about our date. _Why would he want to talk to me about that?_ Brow furrowed, I questioned him, "What's the problem with that, G? _Shouldn't_ she be happy about this? Wouldn't you be worried if she was _depressed _about it or something?"

"Anthony, look dude. I just want to make sure you know what the hell you're doing. She's been waiting for this since you showed up on our doorstep. I don't want to see her get hurt." He paused, seeming to take a moment to gather his thoughts. "I don't want _either_ of you to get hurt."

Shaking my head in protest, I reassured him, "No worries. It's time, Garrett. Like you said, she's waited long enough. I- I think-" I shifted my gaze back to my paperwork before nodding slightly and continuing, "I'm ready."

"Still dreamin' about that mystery girl?"

Lifting my eyes from my paperwork to meet his gaze, I mumbled, "Yeah. Every night."

"Look, you can tell me to piss the fuck off, man, and God knows if it got back to Katie and Tanya that I told you this, I'd have my balls served to me for dinner, but dude. You have to hear this before it's too late. This whole monk thing you've got going on? It's noble of you and all, but maybe there's more to it than just you being a _really great guy_." He rolled his eyes with his last statement.

Cocking my eyebrow at him, I urged him to continue. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Just that maybe you subconsciously don't want Tanya, dude. Not in that way."

I scoffed at him, sputtering in protest, but was interrupted before I could get a word in.

"Tony, Anthony, what-the-fuck-ever your name is. Maybe you know deep down that all you and Tanya are ever supposed to be is friends. Sure, she saved you from certain death, but does that mean that you have to munch on her pink taco? No dude," he shook his head emphatically. "It doesn't. There may or may not be some mystery girl from your past that you don't seem to want to let go of, and T's been right here, waving her tits in your face and treating you like a motherfucking king for like four years, brah. She's always wanted you, right from the moment she saw your pretty face. You should have seen her, all crazy and shit when you were brought in from your crash. She was-"

The shrill ringing of the phone interrupted him. I glanced down at the caller ID, smiling at Garrett's 'wisdom' before flipping open the phone and answering, unsure if I actually meant the words as they escaped from my lips. "Hello, Tanya. I hope you're not calling to cancel on me?"

She wasn't. She barraged me with question after question: had I confirmed our reservations? Did I have everything ready? Did I want her to meet me at the store? Was I excited about tonight? Did I like the color red?

Rattling off my answers as quickly as possible to her, I responded, "Yes, I confirmed with them. Yes, I've got everything ready. _Of course_ I'm excited, Tanya." I paused, allowing her to express her enthusiasm about our date before reminding her, "Really, if I don't get going, I _will_ be late. I still have a few things to finish up. No, Tanya, don't come and meet me here, I'll pick you up." I sighed as I answered her last question, "yes, of course, I like red." I inwardly rolled my eyes as I thought _not as much as I like blue, though_.

Turning back to the closest person I had to a brother, I tried to put his mind at ease. "Look, G… I really appreciate your concern. You're right—I do kinda feel like it might not be such a good idea to take our relationship to the next level. But, I also feel like after everything she's done for me, I owe it to her to _try_. I feel like— like time is running out or something. I can't explain it, dude. I just _have_ to give in to her now."

"The heart doesn't want what the heart doesn't want, or some shit like that, Tony," he chuckled. "If your mystery girl's really from your past _and_ she's getting stronger in that mind of yours, well, don't you think that could be your mind's way of letting you know your memory is on its way back?" He grinned widely before continuing and wiggling his eyebrows. "Besides, you've gone a long fucking time without a piece of ass, you could put it off a little longer and see where your dreams take you._ Whoo oooo_."

I stood up and slapped him on the back of the head. "I can't wait forever for my mystery girl. Tonight is all about trying to make the most of what I've got, right now."

"I just hope you know what you are getting yourself into, dude."

"So do I, Garrett. So do I." With that, I strode from the office, preparing to pick up Tanya for our date.

**X-X-X-X-X**

Everything had gone extremely well. Tanya looked stunning as ever in a red dress and heels. We had dinner at Café Michele, the nicest place in Talkeetna, where she ordered anything she could think of to indicate her amorous mood, including oysters. I swallowed audibly as she told me that her sister, Irina, had sent her things from La Perla that she had been dying for me to see.

Still unsure that what we were about to do was right for us, I knew I had to try. I owed to it myself—and to Tanya.

The ride back to my apartment was filled with an uncomfortable silence as she leaned over and grasped my hand in my lap. I couldn't help but think that Tanya wanted me to be more affectionate with her. What she failed to realize was I just wasn't _that_ guy—always groping, kissing in public, holding hands, touching. It was inappropriate.

As soon as we stepped into my apartment, Tanya grabbed the lapels of my jacket and pushed me into the door, kissing me with an intense fervor. I held my hands up in, indicating protest.

"Anthony," she practically whined at me. "You said we were going to try. You promised." She pouted.

"We will try. Just give a guy a minute. Why don't you go pick out some music and I'll make us a drink?" I asked, desperately trying to give myself a minute to think.

She practically squealed as she reached into her red satin bag, pulled out her iPod and handed it to me. "I already have a playlist," she sang out. "And I'll make the drinks. You go get comfortable and I'll meet you in your room, okay?"

She obviously thought she was in charge, and she was right; I did need a moment to get my shit together. "How about… I meet you in the living room?"

She tapped my nose with her finger before relenting and gently kissing the side of my mouth, telling me that was fine with her.

Though our conversation flowed easily, I could not escape the foreboding that I felt in the pit of my stomach. _Was I really ready to give in?_ Was it wrong of me to want to cling to my past, possibly with my mystery girl, instead of surrendering to an imminent future with Tanya?

Refilling my drink, Tanya suggested a massage. Her hands felt strong as she stood behind me, reverently kneading the tension from my neck and shoulders. Guilt washed over me as I contemplated her desire to both alleviate my fears and reassure _me, _along with the knowledge that she wanted this for me. My thoughts clouded even further as the liquor burned through my veins, steeling my resolve. I had to stop doubting whether I could really do this.

I could, and _I would_.

Tanya had been good to me, and she deserved more than the half-assed attempt I was giving her. She was entitled to nothing less than my total and complete attention. I could give that to her, starting tonight.

Questioning my ability to follow through with my new-found resolution, I wondered if I would regret this decision come morning? As Tanya leaned down to kiss the nape of my neck, I thought of my mystery girl again—was she real, and if so, was she thinking of me as much as I was thinking of her in this moment? A pang of contrition swirled around me.

Emotion swelled in my chest as Tanya swung around in front of me and lowered herself to straddle my lap. Her hips rocking into me, kisses peppering my neck, hands caressing my chest, words of adoration whispered in my ear— it all felt so…not _wrong_, but not _right_, either.

Stilling her hips with shaking hands and looking into expectant eyes, I grabbed my drink and finished it in one gulp. I nodded minutely, letting her know that I was there, with her, before closing my eyes as she continued her path down my body.

After a few more drinks, my qualms from earlier forgotten, I allowed her to lead us back toward my bedroom by the loosened tie around my neck.

**X-X-X-X-X**

My palm brushed across the smooth, firm flesh of her abdomen, lazily stroking her sides as her breaths turned into low moans. The song changed, and in the back of my mind I registered the beginning chords of the electric guitar...it seemed hauntingly familiar.

_Where have I heard this…?_

A soft whimper in my head, the woman below me protesting as my hand stilled. Looking down at her face, her eyes closed in pleasure, I turned my attention back to her. My hand ghosted up the soft flesh of her neck, anchoring into her hair. I kissed her then, her mouth soft and pliant against mine. The hand that wasn't tangled in her hair ghosted over her skin, down to her high, firm breasts. Rolling the pebbled nipple between my fingers, cupping her in my palm, I gave over to the sensation, to my body's _need_ for this.

It had been so long…

"Anthony," she whispered.

I looked into her wide, blue eyes, open now and staring longingly at me. I wanted to do this, for her. She'd waited for me, patient and kind, as I tried to work through all of this, and in a strange way, I felt I owed this to her. Closing my eyes, I bent back down to capture her lips.

The same movie that played every time I tried to push myself into this situation began, like an old black and white film. Still those haunting brown eyes—I knew that _she_ had been waiting for me, and still, even after all this time, I couldn't remember anything. I could just _feel_ like there was something. Someone…

Someone I should remember. Those brown eyes… _Who do they belong to?_

_It must be your skin that I'm sinking in…_

The movie in my head was picking up momentum. I saw full, round lips. I felt them, warm and wet as _she_ kissed me. This felt different. This felt like…_home._ It was a sweet, beautiful memory. My heart rate increased, my blood pumping faster through my veins now.

_What… What is this that I'm feeling? _

She thought that I was responding to her, finally giving in as I closed my eyes and tried to tune out her ministrations to my body. Slowly, I moved my hands from her breasts and down to her hips, stilling her.

"It's time. You're ready," Tanya whispered to me as she pressed her lips to mine again. I deepened the kiss, willing myself to give in to the memories that were still rolling through my head.

_I don't want this, remember that, I'll never forget where you're at…_

The violins, a background to the song, were washing over my senses... My stomach clenched as she pressed her lips to my neck.

_When we rise, it's like strawberry fields…_

Strange, surreal flashes. _She_ was coming to me in flashes. Strawberry scent… creamy, milky skin… a pretty red blush on her cheeks… her long lashes… _Oh_! Her hair… Her beautiful, mahogany colored hair.

_Oh god_.

_She_ was out there; _she_ had been waiting for me. _She_ had to be real. I could feel her hands gliding down my body, gripping and stroking my cock. It felt almost surreal; Tanya's hands pressed more firmly to me, grasping me as a distant memory stirred inside my brain, reminding me of a long forgotten yet almost familiar sensation.

As soon as she touched me, the violins kicked back in. More. More. More. I could see us, the movie was playing, moving quickly, fast forwarding, like my life was flashing before me. My life, with this beautiful girl… My mystery girl.

A dance with balloons all around us, we were so young. Her knee was skinned and I was carrying her. Standing on a porch and kissing that girl with wild abandon. She was blowing out candles on a cake and beaming. We were scrunched up in the backseat of a car, my body was pressed as close to hers as I could get. Sitting on a low wall, looking up at the stars. Our hands intertwined as she whispered to me. Her watching me play football. Us lying in the grass in the middle of a beautiful meadow, our meadow… kissing… her laughing… laughing… Looking at me with such utter devotion and… love in her eyes.

_Who _is_ she? _

I gasped, I was close, and she was slowly rolling her tongue up the base of my neck as she moved up my body again. _Oh god_, I was so close. What the fuck was wrong with me?

More visions, more flashes, other people, small hands holding mine tightly.

_It might just be clearly simple and plain…_

Her name fell from my lips as realization crashed over me. She was real, she was waiting. And I knew her now, I could find her. As the last chords of the music played out, of its own volition, "Bella" tumbled from my lips. Tanya jerked back, looking at me in shock.

"Oh my god," I gasped in realization. "Her name is Bella… Bella, oh God, Bella…" How could I have forgotten her? She was my _everything_.

Jumping up from the bed, I searched the room frantically before looking up at Tanya's horrified expression. I shook my head, not having the words to fully explain to her what had just happened to me.

"I have to go home. Right now. I need a phone."


	4. Ch4: The Life You Left Behind

**Chapter Four: The Life You Left Behind**

***BPOV*  
**

Fog swirled around me, obscuring my view from anything but the tiny flames perched atop the pink and yellow candles. Instinctively, I brushed my finger along the bottom edge of the cake and gathered the creamy frosting. As I lifted it to my mouth and tasted its delightful sweetness, I furrowed my brow, confused by my surroundings yet comforted by how familiar this situation felt. Where did this cake come from? What was this _fog_? How did I get here?

_What was that noise?_

The hint of a crowd, singing.

"Baby, what're you doing? Make a wish."

Gasping as the sound of his voice seemed to cause some of the fog that pressed heavily on me to dissipate, I reached over and took his face in both of my hands, pulling him toward me. Bewildered, I fought to take a breath, doubting his presence and needing him closer. "Wh-what? What did you say to me?" I shook my head slightly, my bearings completely off kilter.

He chuckled as he smiled widely before gently kissing my lips and leaning over to murmur in my ear, "Bella, if you don't blow out these candles right now, you're going to set the place on fire. Come on, baby." He motioned toward the glowing candles with his jaw before dipping his head down and trailing his nose along my collarbone and up my neck.

"Edward, I- I don't understand," I whispered, clutching him closer to me as he pressed his lips just below my ear. Everything about him mesmerized me: his beauty, the electricity in his fingertips as they ghosted down my arm and to my hand, his unmistakable scent, the sound of his laughter. _Closer_. I needed him closer.

"Baby, I know you didn't want to have a party with all the wedding stuff going on, but I couldn't resist the celebration of the most important thing to ever happen to me."

My befuddled brain started to become aware of my circumstances, causing me to gasp at the realization that I must be dreaming. Reaching up and threading my fingers into his thick, silky hair, I tried to commit every detail about this fleeting moment to my memory. I whispered, "I love you- I'll never stop," before pulling him down to me again, kissing him and relishing the soft touch of his lips on mine.

A groan echoed around me, clearing up more of the fog. "God, could you two get a room? Hurry up with the damn cake, Bells, let's go. We don't have much time."

Averting my eyes momentarily, I glanced up at Emmett. "Can't help it, Em," I shrugged.

Pressing his lips to mine momentarily, Edward squeezed my hand tightly and gestured toward the cake again. I trembled as he leaned in again to whisper, "I love you too, baby. Just think, this'll be the last time you ever blow out candles like this. Next time you do this, you'll be Bella Cullen."

A profound sense of foreboding washed over me as I turned toward the cake. Taking a last glimpse into his deep emerald eyes, I traced his bottom lip with my thumb before closing my eyes and inhaling deeply. Gripping his hand tightly as I leaned over the cake, I made a wish: _Please, just give him back to me_.

The smoke from the candles floated up in a thick, enveloping fog before extinguishing completely. I gasped as something cool was pressed to my forehead. My chest tightened and my pulse raced as the darkness pressed down around me.

_What was that noise?_

The hint of a small child, crying.

A door slammed in the distance, and I was plunged into darkness again.

_What was that noise?_

The hint of sheets, rustling.

"God, yes, right there."

"Baby, oh, I can't believe I'm going to have to go so long without touching you. Without feeling you. Without your mouth on me. I can't get enough of you, it's never enough."

"We'll be alright. Don't stop. Oh _fuck_, Edward, my God, I'm so close. Don't go, make someone else go. Oh," I panted, lifting my head slightly to kiss the bottom of his jaw.

"Bella, it's just, I love you so much …" he moaned out before crashing his lips down to mine and kissing me fervently. "It's just a week, just seven days, and then we won't be apart ever again. I can fuck you and make love to you and do everything I want to you everyday, for the rest of our lives, baby."

I gripped the sheets tightly as he pressed himself harder into me, his hips thrusting. He kissed down my neck before sucking on my collarbone as my back arched off the bed. Green eyes seared into mine as he reached between us to the place we were joined, rubbing and teasing, causing me to cry out.

"Oh God, I'm gonna- oh, I'm com- mmmmmm…"

Pleasure coursed through my body, causing my eyes to close, surrounding me in darkness.

_What was that noise?_

The hint of someone, moaning.

"Sweetheart, can you hear me? Wake up, please."

I didn't want to wake; I wanted to go back to feeling—whatever it was. _Edward_. He was here? I was with him. My head thrashed against the hard, cool tile.

He wasn't there. He wasn't there. He wasn't really there.

I descended into the darkness.

_What was that noise?_

The hint of a phone, chirping.

A vibration emanated from beneath my head, the muffled sound stirring me. The cool softness of the sheets awakened me further as I reached under my pillow. I flipped the cell phone open, casting everything in its eerie blue light before holding it to my ear. "Hello?"

"Bella, oh God, I miss you _so much_, baby."

"Edward?" I felt groggy, disconnected.

"Of course," he chuckled lightly. "Who else?"

Dread seeped through my veins as I questioned, "Edward, what's wrong? Are you okay? You're still coming home Wednesday, right?"

"No. Bella, I—"

My breath hitched in my throat as I fought back a sob. "But Edward, you promised. When will you get here? You'll miss _everything_."

"Baby, wait, lemme finish. I'm coming back now. I can't be without you two more days. I'm just waiting for the paperwork , and then I'm leaving."

Wiping my tears with the back of my hand, I brightened up considerably. "Two days early? Oh my God, Edward, that's wonderful! Wait. What do you mean, paperwork?"

"Our pilot won't be back here until Wednesday, and I couldn't get a flight out of here. I'm just waiting for the airport to verify my license and fuel up the jet, and I'm coming home."

Despite the fact that he couldn't see me, I shook my head in protest. "What? Are you kidding me? Edward, you—you can't just _fly_ home."

"Sure I can. I have a pilot's license, Bella. I'm perfectly capable of flying the plane. I don't need to wait around for the pilot. I'm just _beyond_ ready to get back."

"Please be careful. Edward, _please_."

"Baby, I will. Nothing's going to happen to me, I promise. I miss you so much it hurts, and I can't wait to get home and _be_ with to you too. You know," he paused, clearing his throat before continuing, "I don't think I'm even going to tell them I'm coming back early. Then I can have you all to myself for two whole days."

"We can't keep it a secret for long, Edward, they'll know. Plus there's still all this wedding stuff to do, and you know they won't leave me alone for two hours, let alone two days," I giggled into the phone.

"God, Bella, I can't believe it's finally time—in less than a week, we'll be married. Fucking _finally_."

I couldn't suppress my grin as I nodded and held my hand out to admire the way my ring sparkled even in the semi-darkness. "I know, I can't wait. I love you so much."

"I love you too. See you soon, beautiful."

He ended the call and I flipped my phone shut, submerging me in darkness again.

_What was that noise?_

The hint of voices, murmuring.

Familiar sounds resonated in my head. I tried to decipher them but couldn't make them out. I lifted slightly and heard an audible gasp before someone or something pushed me, immobilizing me. My head thudded clumsily back, causing an ache to echo through my skull, and I fell into the darkness again.

_What was that noise?_

The hint of someone, screaming.

It was me. _I_ was the one screaming. And retching. Unable to stand. Unable to breathe. Shaking my head. _No_.

This couldn't be happening. We are getting married, this week. Edward was on his way home.

_What were these people saying to me?_

_His_ plane? No. No. _No!_ Muffled voices talking about a wing and a piece of a rudder? Nothing else, they found nothing else.

_Look harder. Please._

The blackness swallowed me. I was never coming out.

_What was that noise?_

The hint of a fist, banging.

Small hands pressed against my face, comforting me. A weight pressing on my chest, suffocating me. A feathery kiss on my cheek, jolting me.

I tried to wake up.

Another kiss, feather light and warm against my temple. A flash of light between barely opened eyes, disorienting and too bright.

Then the weight was gone, numbing blackness returning once more.

_What was that noise?_

The hint of someone, screeching.

Fog swirled around me and visions assaulted my thoughts.

Looking at Edward's picture as I barely managed to hold myself together during the memorial service. James trying to take care of me, keeping me from falling to pieces. Carlisle offering unending support, his explanations that the search had been called off gutting me.

Glancing down, as shaky hands gripped a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving Day. Sitting in James' office, his explanations that a will had been set up for me and _any future children _making it all seem too_ real_. Sobbing into Esme's shoulder, hushed promises that _we_'d never be alone, a comfort I desperately needed but couldn't grasp.

Jasper grilling a steak to satisfy my cravings, his ever-ready hugs endless. James stopping by to check on me, his vows to always be there for me and my baby a comfort. Alice bringing in bags and bags of maternity clothes, spoiling me, as was her nature. Rosalie begging me to move in with them, scared for me and my baby. Emmett wiping my brow during the delivery, a stand in for the one person I needed. James bringing the biggest bouquet of flowers I had ever seen to the hospital.

Visions of the people I loved—my family, his family—flared in the darkness in quick flashes until finally, Emma-Grace, my reason to _be_ burst forward, illuminating my every thought.

My eyes fluttered.

Instead of blackness surrounding me, warm arms enveloped me, rubbing soothing circles on my back. Kisses fluttered on my hair, forehead, and eyelids as James whispered, "Oh Bella, Bella, are you alright?" I was lifted slightly into his lap as he rocked me gently back and forth. "God, sweetheart, you scared me."

"What happened?"

His piercing blue eyes looked down at me cautiously as he brushed the back of his fingers across my forehead and down my jaw. "You fainted. Bella, are you okay? How are you feeling?" Still sitting on the floor with me in his lap, he continued to rock us slowly back and forth and peppered kisses all over my face.

"Jamie, is my mama gonna be okay?" Gracie asked him. He nodded as she placed her tiny hands on his face and leaned in to kiss him before climbing in my lap. I held her close to me as James continued his soothing movements.

The clearing of a throat startled me as I looked up to see Alice's tear-streaked face.

Clamoring out of James' lap, I turned and handed Gracie to him. "What? Alice, what's the matter?"

She shook her head at me for a moment before taking a few tentative steps toward me. She wrapped her arms around me, rubbing my face from temple to the bottom of my chin before tucking an errant strand of hair behind my ear. It was so loving, so comforting; I _knew_ something had to be wrong.

"Alice?"

Momentarily glancing over to James before returning her gaze to me, she gently cleared her throat and clutched me tighter to her before speaking so softly, I had to strain to hear her. "Bella, you passed out. Do you remember why?"

Furrowing my brow, I looked at her inquisitively and shook my head, not having the answers either of us were seeking. Looking around the room, I fought to focus on some object to help me remember the events that had taken place just before I passed out.

"Please, Alice, just tell me. Were you here when I—when I…" A glance toward the television caused me to stumble slightly as realization of what made me faint crashed over me.

James was up in an instant, Gracie on his hip, supporting me and rubbing circles up and down my back. "Sweetheart," he whispered. "Maybe you should sit down."

Forcefully shaking my head, I looked at Alice and tried to keep the tears at bay. Circling my arms around her to offer what comfort I could, I voiced my fears aloud. "Alice? Carlisle? Oh God, please tell me he's okay. I saw him on the news. What happened, Alice?"

She tightened her grip on me before leaning back and looking at me with a brilliant smile on her face. "No, Bella, you misunderstood. Carlisle's not…there's nothing wrong with him. He's fine. In fact, he's better than fine."

Confused, I looked from her to James and back again, looking for answers. "Alice? If Carlisle's okay, then why was he on CNN? Where is he? Would someone please tell me what the _hell_ is going on?" I stamped my foot in exasperation.

"Alaska."

She had answered me alright. Carlisle was in Alaska. The very word caused dread and anguish to seep into the very marrow of my bones.

"Alaska? Why?" I shook my head and fought back the sob that was welling within me.

"Bella, they found him. He's alive."

Seemingly anticipating my reaction, James caught me as my eyes fluttered and I felt the floor drop from beneath me. Cradling me in his arms, he held me tightly to him and swayed us back and forth. His voice was low as he rasped out, "Alice, I'm gonna bring her upstairs. I think she needs to rest."

Placing my arms around his neck, I tried to lower myself to the floor, but his grip on my body was unrelenting. Feeling a gentle tug on my blouse, I looked down at Gracie standing next to us with a distressed look on her beautiful face, so much like her father. Tumultuous, chaotic thoughts clouded my brain, causing my chest to constrict and my grip on James to tighten.

Reaching down and running my fingers through her soft bronze curls, I whispered, "Mama's okay, baby. I just don't feel well right now. Why don't you show Auntie what we made yesterday for the barbeque?"

"Okay, Mommy." Her intensely green eyes were glittering as she looked at me and smiled. Taking hold of Alice's hand in her tiny grasp, she led her in the direction of the cupcakes and cookies that we spent the better part of the day before preparing.

Seeking refuge, I nestled my head in the crook of James' neck and took a deep breath. I felt weak and disconcerted, and knew I needed a moment to get my thoughts together and process what was happening.

Climbing the stairs with trepidation, James did not release me until he sat me down on the bathroom counter. He held me against him for a moment, hands splayed out and running up and down my spine. I wrapped my arms around his waist, still feeling disoriented and lethargic.

With a deep breath, he leaned back from me and brought his hand up to cup my cheek, caressing the skin along my jaw softly. "Sweetheart, I'm gonna take Emmy to the store to get a few things," he murmured, brushing his lips against mine. Backing up slightly and looking directly into my eyes, he croaked out, "unless you want me to stay?" I'd never forget the expression on his face as he looked at me, lost and utterly filled with anxiety.

I reached out and brushed my hand across his jaw and chin, wanting to reassure him, needing him to wrap his arms securely around me and protect me as I tried to brace myself for the pain that I knew could be coming. _What does this mean? What if it wasn't true? It couldn't be true; they searched for weeks. What if it was true? What then?_

"James?" Alice's voice cracked through the atmosphere like an electric charge of lightning, alerting us to her presence. Suddenly, the room felt infinitely less intimate than it had a moment ago. He was no longer able to shield me away in a protective cocoon, like he always tried to do. "James," she continued, "she'll be fine. Maybe it's best if you and Gracie go to store for a little bit."

His resolve steeling, he nodded in assent and inhaled, attempting to take a breath to steady and calm himself. He looked between Alice and me as he raised my hand to his lips, kissing my palm and placing it directly over his heart. "I love you, Bella. Please call me if you need me while we're out. I won't be far away," he looked meaningfully at Alice again before leaning down and repeatedly pressing his lips to mine over and over again.

James took Gracie as Alice handed her off to him with a peck on her cheek. He seemed to relax slightly as Alice walked over to me and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Tell your Mama 'bye' baby, we're going to the store for a bit," he uttered softly to Gracie.

She raised her tiny hand and waved. "Bye bye Mama." She smiled a brilliant smile before continuing. "We'll get you owsecream and you feel betta." Nodding her little head caused her curls to bounce all over as she clutched tighter to James. I had never been more grateful to have him in my life than I was in that moment. His obvious love for her and her complete adoration of him caused such an intensely emotional response in me; I was beyond relieved that they were so close and that I never had to worry about that.

He chuckled and blew a kiss toward me before turning and exiting the room. Gracie's piercing green gaze remained connected to mine until they disappeared around the corner.

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, I turned toward Alice, who was running cool water over a washcloth. She brought the washcloth up to my forehead and run it gently over my face. "Alice?" I whispered.

"Bella, you're all sweaty." She shook her head to express her disdain. "Cut off shorts. Really, Bella? How do you even have these?" she muttered as she pulled on a few of the strings that were fraying at the hem of the denim. "I really approve of the top though. I love these bracelets, too, girl. I'm so glad I picked them up for you," she rambled as she grabbed my hand and held it up above her shoulder, causing the bracelets to make soft, tinkling noises down my wrist and arm.

"Alice?" I pleaded, placing my hand down on her shoulder and squeezing slightly.

"We don't know much, Bella. I'm still waiting on a call from Jazz. " Her normally exuberant voice was muted, just barely above a whisper as she shook her head from side to side.

"Alice." This time my voice was stronger, more demanding, "_please_."

"Okay, Bella. Last night, Mom and Dad got a call—from Edward. Apparently, he had amnesia or something and just…remembered everything last night. We don't know anything else, except that he's alive, and…"

"What do you mean? Amnesia? How did they…I just don't unders- How do they kn- Is it r_eally_ him, Alice?"

"Bella, I wanted to call you the second I hung up the phone, but everything happened so fast. I came here right after I dropped them all off at the airport. Jazz'll call as soon as they know something."

Sobs racked my body, inhibiting my ability to draw a breath. "Alice, oh Alice. What the hell am I gonna do? _What if it's not him?_ I can't do this, Alice. Everything I've dreamed of and wanted, what if it's not him. I won't- I just can't imagine it. What if he doesn't remember me? Oh my god, what if he does remember? What do you think he's gonna think about Gracie? And _James_? We've been together since junior high, Alice! Oh god, what if it's not him? _What if it's not him_?" Hysterical sobs continued to bubble up as Alice stood there with me, our arms wrapped around each other as we rocked back and forth.

I pulled back and looked at her, the realization that she was here with me and not her family finally settling in. "Alice, what _the hell_ are you doing here? Why are you _here_?" I questioned.

"Bella, I couldn't leave you. I know you can't get on a plane, and honestly, what if you're right and it's not him? I couldn't handle that either, and someone had to be here for you... You're my best friend, Bella," she spoke, biting back a strangled breath.

"Alice, he's your brother! You should be there with him!" I practically screamed at her, though I was beyond happy that I wasn't there alone. My thought flickered to James for a moment before I said, "You should be there with _your_ family, Alice."

"Bella," she spoke softly and ran her hands up and down my arms. "You are my family, silly girl. I'll wait here with you, Bella. We'll wait for him to come home together."

My muscles were tight with apprehension as I kept trying to tell myself not to get my hopes up. The person that had called could easily be an imposter. Cullen International was a high-profile, publicly traded company, and it wouldn't surprise me if someone had tried to capitalize on his family's grief. Everyone in the world knew about Edward's plane going down and the search for him was far-reaching.

My head kept urging me to believe that it wasn't him, imploring me not to get my hopes up. My heart however, told me that I always knew. I'd never given up hope, never stopped loving him. It was him, coming back to me.

The shrill ringing of her phone caused both of us to jump. "Alice, wait," I paused, hoping that I was doing the right thing. "If it's him, and he does remember, please, let me tell him about Gracie."

With an understanding nod, she whispered, "We already discussed that, Bella, and you're right. You should be the one to tell him when he comes home." Tears cascaded down her face as she answered the phone and spoke to Jasper.

It was all true—the look of sheer wonder and joy on her face spoke volumes. Her brother had been found, alive and well.

Edward was alive.

**X-X-X-X-X**

Pacing the length of the kitchen so many times that I was sure I had worn a path into the tile, flashes of my life with Edward continued to pervade my thoughts. We had promised each other so many things. Pressing my fingers to my tingling lips, I recalled the way it felt when he kissed me after promising me forever as we stood on my father's porch in Forks.

I grabbed my cell phone from its charger and dialed the number that had been mine until I left for college. "Daddy," I whispered into the phone, breaking down at the sound of my father's voice. "I need you. Can you come, right now?" I spoke to him a few moments, trying to explain what little I knew. After he promised that he'd be there soon, I hung up and went back to pacing across my path in the kitchen, waiting.

The quiet clicking of the door alerted me to his presence and brought me from my musings. I turned to see James standing before me, holding Gracie to him as she slept with her head resting on his broad shoulder. Tears welled in my eyes as he spoke in a voice barely above a whisper,."Is it true? Bella?"

Nodding my head, I whispered, "They don't know much, James. The Cullens just got to him now." Frozen in place by his intense gaze, I looked around the room, panic rising in my throat. "Alice went to the office to get some paperwork that they're going to need faxed in order to get Edw- to leave Alaska."

"Bella, look at me."

My eyes snapped up to his as he rasped out, "Bella, I won't lose you." He took several steps toward me, stopping just in front of me and tightening his grip on Gracie. "I can't lose Emmy. Sweetheart, I just-."

I shook my head vehemently back and forth. "James, I- I can't talk about this right now. I'm not even sure if it's him. I- you know that I love you, but I can't. I just can't do this right now." I reached forward and took Gracie from his arms. "I'm gonna go to the apartment and wait for Alice, okay? I just need- James, I just need to be al- I can't do this, not right now," I trailed off, feeling like a monster for not being able to assure him.

Fighting back his own tears, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me and Gracie. "Bella, why? Why do you need to take her with you? She should sleep here, in her bed, in her home, with me. If you have to go for a little while, I underst- I won't stop you." Stepping back slightly, he tucked my hair behind my ear and tilted my chin up so I was looking in his eyes. "This will be too confusing for her, Bella. Let her stay here at home. I can't lose you. Bella, please don't leave me. At least leave _her_ here with me. You're my whole life. I can't- don't, Bella, just _stay_. _Please_."

Holding back the tears that threatened to overtake me yet again, I shook my head and turned, still holding Gracie. "James, don't. I'll be back. I'll call you, I promise, I have to go _home_- I just need to be there. Please understand."

Running out to my car, I was trembling so badly that I could barely get the door open. I glanced down at Gracie's sleeping form. Recognition of the danger I could be leading her into dawned on me, causing me to step back from the car. She was my whole life, and it was stupid and selfish of me to recklessly place her in harm's way. Coming to the conclusion that I really wasn't in the condition to drive myself, much less my precious daughter, I made my decision—the last thing I wanted to do was put her safety at risk.

Glancing toward the door, I saw James leaning against the frame with his arms wrapped around his chest. He didn't deserve this turmoil; he would give up his own life for her, for both of us. I motioned him over with a shake of my head. He quickly approached and leaned toward me, placing his hands on my hips.

"James, she can stay here with you. You both deserve for her to take a nap safe in her own bed," I murmured, looking up at him. "I promise, I'll be back in a few hours. I swear, James, I'll call you. I just need to be someplace quiet, for a little while. They don't even know anything for sure yet, as far as I know. I promise… I'll call you soon."

His grip on me tightened momentarily before he took Gracie from my arms. "Promise me, Bella. Promise me you're coming back." Unable to make promises that I wasn't sure I could keep, I instead stood on my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his cheek before taking a calming breath and slipping into the leather seat. He closed the door for me and stepped back as I started the car and backed out of the garage.

Glancing back into the rearview mirror, I knew I would never forget the look on his face as I drove off. Cheeks sunken, mouth pulled into a tight line, his grip on Gracie firm as he held her to him.

He looked so _lost**.**_


	5. Ch5: Miles From Where You Are

**Chapter Five: Miles from Where You Are**

*******EPOV*  
**

Trudging up the stairs to my apartment, I precariously shifted the boxes in my hands so that I could slide the key in the lock. My heart thudded in my chest impatiently and I was barely containing the excitement I felt at the prospect of being reunited with my family, with _her_ again. Turning the knob, I swung the door of my modest apartment open.

Crisp memories flooded my mind, reminding me of walking into the home I shared with Bella for the first time. She had giggled and swatted me on the shoulder, playfully admonishing me for swooping her up and carrying her over the threshold of our new apartment.

"_Don't pick me up, Edward, we aren't even married yet. Wait 'til then," she pouted, threading her hands into my hair and nuzzling her nose into the crook of my neck._

"_Baby, trust me, I'll carry you then, too. And I can't wait…" I trailed off, tightening my grip on her and murmuring against her soft lips. _

Dropping the boxes to the floor, I pressed my fingertips to my lips as vivid memories of us flooded my senses. Although my mind perceived that I had been separated from her for just a few days rather than almost four long years, my body felt her absence deep down into my soul. My entire being seemed to vibrate in electrified anticipation, with the knowledge that I'd finally be _whole_ again in just a few hours.

Shaking my head, I couldn't believe that I was doing something as mundane as packing when my entire world had imploded less than twelve hours prior. I glanced out the window and took in my surroundings; the lush forestry and solitude nature provided were quite beautiful. Bella would absolutely love it, and I planned to one day bring her back to Alaska and have her meet all of the people who had taken care of me and welcomed me into their family. Grabbing a beer from the fridge, I twisted the cap off and contemplated our situation. My mind could not wrap itself around what she must have gone through, the turmoil she must have felt all the years that I had been missing.

If our situations had been reversed, and I was the one left to face a life without Bella… The very thought was enough to cause a painful tightening in my chest. I wasn't sure which would be worse, experiencing what she had and thinking the person I loved was dead, or not knowing anything about my past, including who I was. _Both_. I decided both situations were awful.

Trying to shake the thoughts from my head, I focused on what it would be like when we were finally together. I'd never leave that girl's side again; she'd have to beg me not to drag her to work with me. I couldn't wipe the smile from my face as I contemplated what our reunion would be like.

Just a little while longer …

I looked around the apartment a few more moments, taking stock of all the _stuff_ I had accumulated in the time I'd been here. I was pleasantly surprised that the books and CDs that littered the shelves surrounding my desk were similar to the ones I had at home. In fact, there were so many similarities to both of my apartments, from the exposed brick in the living rooms to the skylights and hardwood floors, that I was surprised my memory hadn't returned sooner.

Aro owned the apartment building as well as a tourist lodge and allowed me the choice of living in an apartment, at the lodge, or in a cabin on his vast property just outside of town. This building was the closest to Volturi Outfitters, so I chose the apartment. It was small and far more rustic than the opulent apartment I shared with Bella at home, but comfortable.

I wondered if Bella had gotten rid of anything from our apartment in all this time. I was sure she tossed the ficus tree that Lauren, a receptionist at our company, gave to us as a housewarming gift. Bella hated that tree shedding everywhere almost as much as she hated the girl who gave it to us. She was so silly, being jealous of Lauren. She knew she owned me. _As if there could be anyone else__—__ever. _

My heart ached as I thought of everything I had undoubtedly missed. As much as I hoped that my absence didn't keep my family from living their lives, I couldn't help but feel the loss at the prospect of missing out on every momentous occasion that had occurred. Surely Jasper and Alice were married by now. I wondered who had served as his best man—we had always promised the honor to each other. Imagining what Bella would look like as the maid of honor caused my pulse to race. She would've been absolutely exquisite, of course, dressed up with her beautiful hair cascading over her creamy shoulders. I could practically see her rolling her eyes in exasperation at Alice's antics. She was so _beautiful_.

Apprehension momentarily swept over me as I contemplated missing out on any babies; Rosalie and Emmett had been trying practically since their honeymoon. Hell, Jasper and Alice might have gotten started adding to the brood. I hoped that I would still be able to be a huge part of their lives. I loved kids and always saw myself as a fantastic uncle, and couldn't wait to start a family with Bella. As far as I was concerned, we could start as soon as I got home, in fact. No more waiting, for anything.

I was positive that my parents would encourage all of us having kids as soon as possible. My mom would love having a house full of grandchildren. My heart ached as I thought about her and what it must have been like losing me.

Wanting to be ready to leave as soon as my family arrived, I took in everything that I had to get done in just a short amount of time. My gaze shifted around the apartment before resting on the phone. Closing my eyes, I thought of the calls I had placed the night before.

_With shaking hands, I grabbed the phone and headed into the living room. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I was assaulted with memory after memory of the life I lived before fate intervened. _

_Bella. _

_Bella. _

_Bella. _

_Her name reverberated through my body, pumped from my heart and through my veins like a life force. Bella. My God, how had I survived without her?_

_Taking a deep breath, I pressed the buttons, amazed at how quickly the number popped into my head. I pushed "send" on the phone and held it up to my ear. Growling in frustration, I threw my head back on the couch as I heard the message._

"_We're sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again."_

What. The. Fuck?_ She'd disconnected her number? When I thought about it, I supposed it made sense. Our cell phone plan was in my name and she probably had to switch everything over._

_Tanya's sniffling whimpers broke me from my musings. A brief pang of remorse washed over me. While one part of me felt bad for almost allowing the situation with Tanya to get out of hand and go as far as it did, the other part was overjoyed at finally piecing together the puzzle. The guilt that threatened to seep in was quickly assuaged as I realized that without Tanya's role, I might never have had the epiphany that returned my identity and my _life_. I knew who I was now. I knew where my home was. I finally knew where I belonged__—__and who I belonged _with_. _

_I couldn't allow the repercussions of any attachments to or gratitude that I felt for Tanya deter me from going home. Bella would understand what had happened between us; there wasn't a doubt in my mind that she would relieve me from the guilt I felt for effectively cheating on her. Though we hadn't actually had sex, the thought of how far it had gone almost sickened me. Neither Bella nor I had ever been with anyone else and I was beyond grateful that my relationship with Tanya hadn't gone even further than it had._

_Dialing Bella's number again to be completely sure that it was disconnected, another flicker of panic surged through me. _What if something had happened to her? _ I shook the thoughts from my mind as I clenched my hand into a fist to steady myself before dialing my parents' home. _

"_Hello."_

_In shock, I pulled the phone away from my ear, staring down at it. Albeit a bit muffled from sleep, he sounded just the same. That voice that had coached me through learning to read and drive a car, had cheered me on through countless football games and my graduations. Home. The feeling was indescribably good. _

"_Dad," I whispered, needing to pause for a moment. _

"_Edward?"_

"_Dad, it's me."_

"_Is that really you, Son? Oh, thank God. Oh, Edward, my Edward," his voice broke as he covered the receiver, calling out for my mother._

Our conversation had been emotional and full of hope and love. Making immediate plans to come and get me, my parents assured me that they would call everyone else and would see me in a few hours. It had been so good to hear their voices, to talk to them and feel as if I had another part of myself back.

Quickly shaking my reveries away, I stood and headed to finish packing. I was resolved to get back to work on the apartment so I'd be ready to go when they got here. I just couldn't leave Aro with a mess to clean up in addition to abandoning him with no help at the store.

In the process of separating what I would take back with me to Seattle—planning to donate everything else to a local church—I opened the dresser drawer containing all of my ties. A swatch of blue stood out and I picked it up. The plain colored tie stood out amongst the striped and bolder hued fabrics, gifts from Tanya over the years. One day while out shopping, the color had caught my eye. Now I understood why. Running my thumb over the soft, silky material, I staggered back a bit, the memories of being with Bella at prom assaulting my thoughts.

_My breath caught in my throat as she floated down the stairs, her hair falling loosely across her shoulders and down her back in long curly waves. Reaching out and grabbing her hand to bring to my lips, I leaned forward and murmured in her ear, "My God, Bella, do you know how breathtaking you are? This is absolutely my favorite color on you." _

_I bit down gently on her earlobe and leaned back to look in her eyes, the blush of her cheeks deepening and her breath hitching as I ran my fingertips along the neckline of her dress from her shoulder down to the low dip between her breasts. "Baby, I think you should wear _this_ color when we get married. You don't have to wear white; God knows you're not a virgin."_

_She giggled and leaned in to brush her lips along mine for a moment before whispering, "Yeah, but my parents, Edward. I think they'd want to see me in white." She kissed me deeply, stopping to murmur on my lips. "I could always wear blue panties then, just like I am now," she trailed off, giving me a seductive grin._

_Groaning at the thought of her in blue panties and nothing else, I pulled her to me and crashed my lips to hers. Kissing her was like nothing else. I couldn't get enough of her. Leaning back to allow both of us to catch our breath, I kissed across her jaw and ran my nose down the column of her neck before licking along her collarbone toward the dip in her dress. I murmured into her skin, "How long do we have to stay there, Bella? Can't we just go to the hotel now?"_

_Her fingers threaded into my hair as she pressed her body closer and moaned. "Mmm, Edward, you know we have to go. Can you imagine the ribbing you'd get from Emmett if he showed up and you didn't? Not to mention, Alice would kill me. Wait..." She pulled back and looked intently into my eyes, a small pout forming on her perfect lips. "Is this the only reason you asked me to prom? Just to see me in a blue dress, and so you could get laid?"_

_Glancing up at her, I smirked as I pulled her closer and let her feel my arousal pressed against her. She gasped as I growled playfully. "Yeah, right, Bella. That, plus the excuse to spend the whole night in a hotel with you instead of fucking you in my car or climbing down that goddamned tree before your dad wakes up. Come on, Baby, you know I don't need an excuse to get la-"_

"_Ahem." Dread coursed through me as Bella shakily lifted her hand and ran her thumb along my bottom lip in an effort to remove the lipstick that was undoubtedly smeared all over my face. Neither of us had noticed Bella's father, Charlie, walking up behind us as we were making out. I gulped and turned around to face him and…_

The sound of my phone startled me and broke me from my thoughts.

Shaking my head to clear my mind from the Bella-induced fog, I reached for the phone and glanced at the caller ID before smiling slightly and opening it. "Hello?"

"Antho- Ed-? How are you? What time are you…" Tanya's weepy voice drifted through the receiver, "Please let me come over and help you pack."

Sympathetic to her anguish, I tried to put myself in her situation—having feelings for someone who could not return them, no matter how much they tried. She had been good to me, always helping me and trying to take care of me. While she had never kept the fact that she wanted a relationship with me a secret, I was encouraged by the fact that I had never led her to believe something I could not deliver. Before last night, I told her countless times that I couldn't be with her because I didn't know whether I was committed to someone else already.

My heart knew all along what my head couldn't remember—I belonged to Bella, always.

Beautiful, intelligent, and tenacious, I had no doubt that Tanya would find someone else, and soon. My being removed from the picture would allow her to finally realize we were never meant to be and move on to find her _someone_. She deserved to have a man that could take care of her for a change and make her the center of his universe.

Just like Bella was the center of mine.

Taking a deep breath, I waited for her quiet sobs to stop. "Tanya. I—I don't know what to say. No, I don't need you come over and help me pack. I think that will just make everything harder for you. My family isn't here yet. I expect them late this afternoon."

Her sobs came through as she begged me not to leave and to reconsider me not allowing her to come with me. "I'm your family," she wailed. "Don't I mean anything to you at all anymore?"

"Tanya," I paused, trying to think of the right words to say to her. I didn't want to hurt her; she had done a lot for me, but I needed to be clear. "Please, listen. I will never forget what you've done for me, and yes, you will always be important to me. This isn't me picking someone else over you. If I hadn't lost my memory, there never would have been the possibility of having another choice."

Her whimpering cries caused my heart to ache, but did not deter me from the fact that I didn't belong with her; I _belonged _with Bella. You just couldn't fight fate.

"Please just give me the chance to love you, Anth-"

"Tanya, I can't do this. I care about you, but I _told_ you last night. I've _been telling _you all along. You know she's my whole life. She's _always_ been my whole life. Even when I couldn't remember her, I never forgot, not really. Look, I can't do this right now. I promise you, I'll call you, but I'm sorry, I just- I have to go."

Hanging up the phone before she could say another word, I turned and walked down the hall. I didn't want to prolong her misery.

Striding over to the cabinet and wrenching the door open, I pulled out an atlas and tossed it on the kitchen table. Grabbing a marker from the drawer in the kitchen, I loomed over the map. I put a big 'X' on Seattle and drew a straight line, crossing the distance from here to where she'd be. A few inches, according to the legend, was the equivalent of nineteen hundred miles. That was the space between Bella and I—mere finger-lengths separated us. A few trees and some water. She was _so close_.

Walking over to the couch, I slouched down and held one of the pillows tightly to my chest, memories of her, _of us_, bombarding me. I pressed my fingers to my lips and closed my eyes, remembering the intense electricity that flowed between us every single time we were together, her lips on mine, her body pressed against me. Her voice reverberated in my mind, sweet and melodic, her words like music, calling me.

I could hardly wait to get to her, to hold her, to be with her. Berating myself for not just booking a flight and going home the second I remembered everything instead of calling my parents first, I wondered if Bella had moved out of our apartment, if she had cut her long, beautiful hair, if she still had perfect lips and creamy pale skin that I loved to run my fingers over.

Everything was so fresh, so crisp in my memory: Bella pleading with me not to go as we made love the night before I left. Her laughter and kisses and consuming me as I had her again the next morning. It took everything in me to leave after she pulled me back to bed the second time. _God_, I could almost feel her around me.

A loud banging on the door caused me to jump. Taking a few deep breaths to calm my racing thoughts, I got up and opened to door to see Kate and Garrett's smiling faces. "Dude, what the hell were you doing in here? We've been knocking for like eight minutes or something."

Kate scoffed at him and wrapped her arms around my waist, hugging me tightly. "He lies. We just got here. You do seem sort of out of breath, though. Are you all right?" She looked up at me, a concerned look etched across her face.

"Katie." I looked down at her with a wide smile on my face. "I'm awesome. _Really._ I'm so relieved. I'm going _home_. I'm finally going home to my family and to my girl." I looked up at Garrett, unable to wipe the grin from my face.

Leading us over to the couch, Garrett clapped me on the back. I grimaced when he bellowed, "So it's Eddie, is it? Look, I knew you were fine. Who woulda thought that all it would take for you to get your memory back was for good 'ole T to blo-" He quickly cut himself off as Kate looked at him, shocked.

Chuckling at his crassness and the look she was giving him, I shook my head. "Oh, Garrett, I'm sure gonna miss you."

Kate looked at me, tears welling up in her eyes. "Anth-," she cleared her throat, taking a deep breath in an effort to calm herself. "Edward, we just wanted you to know that you have come to mean so much to all of us during this time you've been here. Just because you got your memory back and found your mysterious dream girl doesn't mean you have to go. You have a life here, a family that loves you, too."

My mouth dropped open, unable to believe that Garrett had told her about my dreams. He shook his head. "Brah, I didn't betray any confidences,." He looked at me meaningfully. "I just explained to Katie here, and T, that even if you didn't know who you were missing, you always knew you were missing _someone_."

"Thank you," I muttered before looking at Kate again. "He's right. Even when I didn't know, I knew. You know?"

Choking out a strangled giggle, she nodded and wrapped her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly and kissing my forehead. "You will always be our family, Anthony. Edward? Whatever your name is."

Returning her hug, I told her that my name was actually both as I explained the reason "Anthony" felt right to me when I had picked it so many years ago.

I struggled for a moment, trying to find the words to explain myself to her. They had been my family for so long. Truly, it would hurt to not be in their lives anymore. That was nothing, though, in comparison to the ache that I felt without Bella.

"Oh, Katie. I don't want you, or any of you, really, to ever forget how much you all mean to me." Running my fingers gently from her temple to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, I continued, "Please, help Tanya understand. What would you do if you were separated from Garrett? I don't want to be without my family, my adopted family here in Talkeetna, or my family back in Seattle. I love all of you, but I _can't_ be without her. I can't breathe thinking about being away from her. I have to …"

Shaking my head and fighting back the tears that Garrett would endlessly pick on me about, I cleared my throat and continued as I looked meaningfully into her eyes. "It doesn't matter where I live, you guys. You two understand, I know you do. Home is where _she_ is. I have to go _home_."

Garrett surprised me by gripping me in a tight hug and clapping his hand on my back. "Dude, we get it. What the fuck are you still doing _here_?"

They spent the next couple of hours helping me pack up the boxes that I was donating and cleaning the apartment. Though I would miss them immensely, I was ready to get out of there and get back home, especially back to my life with Bella.

"Look man," Garrett said after the last box was loaded in the back of his truck. "I'm gonna miss you. Don't be a stranger." He held his hand out for me to shake, and I grabbed it, pulling him toward me, hugging him and clapping his back.

"I won't," I promised. "I got a girl I want you to meet. Thanks for everything, man."

He winked at me and wrapped his arm around Kate, leading her to the passenger side of his truck. I walked around with them and hugged her before saying goodbye again.

I went back into my apartment, threw myself down on my couch, and thought of seeing my family and finally being back where I belonged. Just two and a half hours. My parents had called and told me that they made it to Anchorage and were renting a large SUV to drive the rest of the distance. It was the quickest solution. I closed my eyes for a moment, relishing my thoughts of what it would be like.

Home. With Bella.

**X-X-X-X-X**

Loud banging woke me and I momentarily felt a familiar sense of déjà vu. I recognized the voices behind the door immediately. I jumped up from my spot on the couch and ran over to the door, wrenching it open and staring into the faces I thought I'd never remember.

Squeals and booming voices and tears and arms and hugs and ruffling my hair, and I felt like I'd never feel that overwhelmingly complete again.

My big bear of a brother Emmett was the first through the door. "God, little bro. You can't imagine what a shock we got when Dad called…" His shining eyes conveyed so much emotion as he pulled me into another bone-crushing hug and squeezed.

I turned my head at the sound of my mother's sniffles and looked down at her, beautiful as always, but definitely showing the signs of concern and worry. She gave me a brilliant smile and pulled me into a tight hug. Inhaling deeply, I felt the familiar sense of home wash over me before we were both enveloped in my father's arms.

My eyes never stopped seeking the face that I wanted to see the most as we all stood and held each other for a moment. Realizing that other arms were wrapped around me, too, I looked up and saw Jasper gazing at me affectionately. Even Rosalie had tears in her eyes. I cleared my throat and tried to lead them over to the living room, but no one was releasing their grip on our circle.

It was as if I had been stuck in a time warp. My parents, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper. They all looked the same, as if nothing had happened, as if we hadn't been separated for nearly four years. As much as I was ecstatic to see everyone, the person I most expected to see was nowhere to be found.

"Where's Bella?"

Everyone glanced at each other and started walking toward the living room. My mother still held me tightly against her and sat down in the middle of my couch, pulling me along with her, practically in her lap.

Emmett started toward the door and said he had a few calls to make. I nodded at him and looked frantically around the room, my brow furrowing. No one answered me right away, so I repeated my question.

"Don't get me wrong guys, I am _so_ happy to see you, there aren't words, but really. Where's Bella?"

"Baby, she's at home with Alice," my mother whispered, stroking her hand along my face. I felt guilty that I hadn't noticed Alice wasn't there, either.

Disappointment crashed over me as I asked them why she didn't come with them. "What's wrong?" I asked. Panic welled up in my throat, causing my breathing to speed. "Did something happen to her? Is Bella alright?"

"Son, Bella couldn't come because she's afraid to fly." My dad looked pointedly at me as another wave of guilt crashed over me. Of course she was afraid to fly. _I 'died' in a plane crash._ I was only miles from Bella. I would be with her in a few hours. I could hold out until then.

At least, I could _try._

"I can't believe you're all here," I said excitedly to my precious family, trying to bring levity to the situation. "I can't tell you how happy I am to see all of you," I choked out as I was enveloped in a hug again, first by my mother, then by everyone else.

Emmett came back in the room that moment and looked around warily at everyone. Jasper leaned forward and rested his hand on my shoulder, his effect as calming as I remembered it.

Emotion coursed through me as I beamed around at my family. I was finally with them, and so close to being where I belonged, back home with Bella. I missed my sister too, and was suddenly overwhelmingly grateful to all of them for enduring what they had. They obviously had taken care of my girl in my absence, since nothing but Alice's close bond with Bella would keep her away from me.

My face fell as I looked around the room. I could feel it; an ominous feeling pressed down on me, indicating something was wrong. There was something they weren't telling me. I intently looked from my mother's face as she ran her fingers through my hair and continued to cry quietly, to my father's, and then around the room, meeting each person's inquisitive gaze.

"What about Bella? Something isn't right. Please, just tell me," I whispered.

"Dude, you've been gone a long time and a lot of stuff has changed—with everyone," Emmett said as everyone else slowly nodded. His mood turned jovial, his dimples appearing as he grinned down reassuringly at me. "Tell us what the fuck you've been doing up here."

I smiled around at everyone as the oppressive mood seemed to lift slightly. We talked about what I had been doing while in Alaska, explaining how Tanya found me and about my job and the friends I had made.

"So you were in a car crash?" Rosalie asked incredulously.

I nodded, not knowing how to explain it. The last thing I remembered was calling Bella from the airport, telling her I had chartered a plane to go home early. I didn't know how the plane crashed or how I ended up in a car after that. I shrugged my shoulders, having no answers for anyone, including myself.

"Can we call the girls? I really want to hear her voice." I shook my head, fighting off the foreboding feeling of dread. "Both of them," I quickly amended.

My mother gripped my hand tighter as Jasper leaned forward and said, "I don't think that's a good idea just yet, E. We need to get going, and like we said, a lot of stuff has changed, and—" He stopped mid-sentence and looked over at my dad.

"Dad?" I glanced around at all of them, so happy to see me but still having an underlying…_sadness_. I knew it. They weren't telling me something. "What's going on? When are we leaving?"

"Well, Son," my dad murmured, ruffling my hair slightly, reminding me of the gesture he always did anytime he was about to give me bad news. "We had to call Alice to fax us some paperwork that we need to bring you home."

Furrowing my brow, I questioned, "What's the hold up?"

"We just needed your proper identification sent over to us with the new FAA regulations, that's all. We can leave for Anchorage as soon as you're ready. We'll catch the first flight out in the morning."

"In the…not 'til the morning? We're not going home tonight? Guys, you all know how happy I am to see you, right?" I looked around at all of them, each one touching me somewhere, each one so important to me. "I feel like—I can't explain it. I'm overwhelmed. Most of all, I just really want to call Bella. I mean, I want to talk to Alice too, but I _need _to talk to Bella. I won't feel like any of this is real until I hear Isabella Marie Swan's voice."

"Bremner," I heard Rosalie mumble and my eyes snapped up to meet hers, unsure of what she said. A collective gasp reverberated around the room and every face in the room held a shocked expression.

"What? Would someone please tell me what's wrong? What is going on with all of you? Just _please_ tell me. Is Bella alright?"

Emmett glared at Rosalie before turning his head slowly to meet my gaze. "Look, Edward, Bella's fine. I swear to you, she's okay."

I looked to Rosalie in disbelief, silently begging for confirmation. "Rose, _please_. Tell me. What did you say? Wha- Just _tell me_."

She took a deep breath and repeated herself. "Bremner, Edward, I said Bremner. You said you wouldn't feel like any of this..." She gestured around in a circle to all of my family before leaning forward and placing the palms of both of her hands on my face and whispering. "... was real until you heard Bella _Swan_'s voice. Edward, there is no Bella Swan anymore. It's Bella Bremner now."

I shook my head out of her grasp and looked at each member of my family's faces, my chest pounding and my breath coming in short gasps. I couldn't breathe. I felt as if a rug had been snatched from under me, and I was fighting back the lightheadedness and nausea that threatened to overtake me.

Goddamn Rosalie. She had always been such a bitch, but now? Was she really trying to joke around with me _now_? About _this_?

"Liar," I hissed at her, ashamed of myself for acting and feeling this way. She gasped in surprise at my obvious anger, glancing down at my fists clenched in my lap. "Bella wouldn't marry someone else. For fucks' sake, Rosalie."

Bremner. Bremner. Bremner. _Where did I know that name?_

Racking my brain, I forced myself to recall why that name sounded so familiar to me. My chest heaved with the realization that Bremner was actually a name, attached to a real man, one that I literally knew.

_No. _

There was _no way_.

I looked around the room, desperate for confirmation that I was right. I _had_ to be right. _Am I in the Twilight Zone? Did I actually wake up from my nap? _I looked at my father imploringly and he just stared at me and continued to tell me take deep breaths. As if I had been plunged into an ice cold lake, I felt as if knives stabbed into my chest and my vision blurred. I couldn't catch my breath. My mother tried to hold on to me as I wavered.

I held on to my truth, knowing this could not be. There must be some mistake. Bella _wouldn't._ She _couldn't_. There was just… No, not my Bella. I shook my head, trying to wake myself from this dream.

Finally, I looked back at Emmett, knowing he wouldn't keep his mundane idea for a joke up any longer. "_Please_, Emmett," I begged, wanting him to end the charade. "Tell me the truth."

"Edward, I'm sorry man. I don't know what else to tell you. It's true. Bella is married."


	6. Ch6: Do What I Have to Do

**AN: Pretty much the rest of this story (at least until the end) is not wussperv friendly. There's angst, folks. And not enough smut to make up for it. **

* * *

**Chapter Six: Do What I Have to Do**

***BPOV***

_This couldn't be real._

My foot tapped against the floor below me as I impatiently waited for the elevator. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around my body in an attempt to literally hold myself together. I struggled to take a few deep breaths in an effort to help clarify things, but found that I could hardly breathe. It was as if I were drowning.

The events that had taken place in just the last few hours muddled my thoughts, flashing through my mind in rapid succession: the anguished look on my husband's face as I drove away, the animosity I felt coming from him when I called out another man's name, and the devastation I saw on his face as he realized that I couldn't stay in our home with him when we found out that – I couldn't even form the words in my own thoughts.

Edward was _alive_.

It couldn't be real. _Could it?_

The quiet ping of the elevator alerted me to my surroundings. Everything felt so surreal. Each step I took toward our apartment, the same one that I'd shared with Edward, the place we had planned to start our lives in, awakened a time lost. Memories flooded my mind as my feet were cemented in the very spot I'd been standing in when I got the news that he was gone and never coming back to me. My eyes spanned the few steps remaining in the hallway as I pictured the walls of our home that became my refuge when I learned of the life growing inside me. The weight of my betrayal pressed down, smothering me, as I thought about my decision to move out in an attempt to start my life over with James.

Now it was the comforting place I would return to in order to wait for more news. My mind raced with countless worries and fears. He was coming back. What if it wasn't him? What if it was? What would I do?

What were we _all_ going to do?

The silence that pressed down on me like a lead weight was broken as I slid the key in the lock and turned it. The familiar click sounded my homecoming, awakening every cell in my body, welcoming me back. Throwing my keys in the bowl on the table, a move I had done countless times, comforted me somehow.

Pulling out my cell phone and quickly dialing Alice, I slipped off my shoes and padded into the living room. I ran my fingertips across the creamy leather of the couch, almost unable to catch my breath with the sudden bombardment of memories. Edward growling in my ear as we lay on the couch right _there_. Warm lips trailing searing kisses up my neck while I cooked dinner over _there_, distracting me until I had given up on our meal and turned my attention to him. Edward carrying me to our room, something he had done often. This place held so many sacred memories—it felt like a sanctuary to me.

Not registering the fact that Alice had picked up, I barely heard her voice on the phone as walked into the kitchen, still allowing the memories of _us_ to wash over me.

"Bella? Bella! Are you alright? Bella!"

"Uh, Alice. I'm fine. I'm at h- I'm at the apartment. You don't need to come over," I mumbled over her protests before finally giving in. "Okay, fine. I already knew you were coming over anyway."

I listened to her ramble on for a few moments before telling her that I wasn't really hungry and there was no need for her to bring anything before finally relenting and agreeing to eat whatever she brought. She always got her way; there really was no point in trying. Regardless of how annoying Alice could be at times, I really appreciated how much she always took care of me.

I ran my fingers over the counter-top, relishing in the memory of the pseudo-argument that we'd had over the color of the granite. A small laugh left my lips, the sound loud and jarring in the quiet room. He'd given me my way when I bet him that I could make him come the fastest on the black speckled set, and we'd thoroughly enjoyed…_testing out_ my theory.

That particular memory sent me into a panic, the thoughts of what I was going to do returning ten-fold. My face was streaked with tears when Alice walked in, carrying food from our favorite Thai-takeout place.

"Bella, I just talked to Jazz. They can't…oh my God. Are you alright?" She flew over to me in a rush, tossing the bag on the counter and smoothing my hair back from my forehead.

Shaking my head violently, I met her watery gray gaze and whispered, "No."

Alice wrapped her arms around me and gently rocked us back and forth. "You're okay, Bella, see? Everything's going to be fine."

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I pushed back from her. "I'm not okay. I won't be okay until I can touch him and feel him here, in my arms. God, Alice, how can you say everything is going to be fine? Everything is fucked up; it's _so far_ from fine."

"Bella," her brow crinkled in frustration as she looked at me before speaking in a low tone, "I have to believe that everything is going to work out for the best. My brother's alive. Besides finding out about Emma-Grace, this is the best news ever. He's coming _home_. Everything will be okay."

"You don't know that. He's—and I can't…" I shook my head, unable to form the words.

"Everything will work out, Bella. You two are meant to be, you've always known that. A piece of paper doesn't change anything. You didn't let it change your heart when he was gone—how can you possibly think it'll be any different now?"

"It's not like that, Alice. I can't. I am not_ allowed_ to want that anymore. I'm _married_."

The silence stretched on as we were each lost in our own thoughts for a few moments. The fact of the matter was that someone was going to be hurt, because of me. I had already hurt James so much, but I just didn't know how to fix it. Edward and I had been together since we were just kids—how could I let that go? I couldn't. I hadn't been able to so far. Though things were never simple with James, they were now far more complicated than they had ever been. I was married to a man who loved me and adored my daughter. There was no undoing that, even without a piece of paper.

I was ashamed of myself as I let my mind imagine how Edward would react to all of this. No matter how much I might want to, I couldn't be with him anymore. In spite of this, I couldn't wrap my head around him not being mine, not getting to hold him, not being able to tell him that I've only ever really wanted him, and for him to feel the same.

I was a monster.

Why couldn't Alice see that this situation was beyond fucked up?

Finally, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to my forehead, so reminiscent of her brother I almost fell apart. "What will you do, Bella?"

I couldn't answer that. _What would I do?_ It was true that I didn't know how to let him go, I never had. But I couldn't have him now. Maybe Alice was wrong; maybe we never were meant to be.

No, I didn't believe that. Not really. I just didn't see any way to make this right.

Alice continued down a different path. "When I came in earlier, I wanted to tell you what was happening. I faxed the paperwork they needed, but the FAA has tightened the regulations, especially since they have to fly over Canada. Dad tried, but they won't be leaving Alaska until tomorrow morning. What do you want to do, sweetie?"

Still shaking my head, I reached for my phone. Surprisingly, the call went straight to voicemail. "James, I promised I'd let you know what was going on. He- They won't be back until tomorrow. I'm gonna stay here tonight. Call me and let me know if you want me to come get Gracie. I promise, we'll talk later, I l- I'll talk to you soon."

Padding over to the couch, I threw my phone haphazardly on the coffee table as I sank down into the cushions. I was really surprised that James hadn't answered his phone when I called. He must be livid, but surely he understood why I needed to be _here_. I would do almost anything to stop hurting him if I could.

Picking at a stray thread at the hem of my shirt, I wished that I could take this grief away from him. I bit at the tender flesh around my nails as I thought about how hard it was for him, constantly worrying about me, and though he was one of the strongest people I'd ever met, the insecurity in our relationship had to affect him.

Huffing in exasperation, I tugged my hand through my hair, yanking on it roughly. It was all my fault. The mess with James. Alice sitting here with me instead of going after her brother. Me feeling nauseous wondering what would happen when I finally saw _him_. And my beautiful Gracie, what would she think? How would she feel about all of this? How would I explain this to _her_?

"You need to eat, Bella. You need to relax—all of this stress isn't good for you." Alice's brow furrowed as she tilted her head to study me. "I'm really worried that you'll have a nervous breakdown or something. Why don't we get a massage?"

_Was she kidding me? _

"Alice Cullen Whitlock, do you honestly believe that I am going to leave this apartment for one second? _And to get a massage_?"

She peered at me, no doubt wondering if I had really lost it—she was probably right, and I had. I couldn't believe her though; this wasn't exactly the time for spa treatments. Would she want to paint my nails next? I let out an angry growl before opening my mouth again.

"The love of my life, the father of my child, my whole reason for existing was ripped from me and is now back from the grave. He'll be here, standing in front of me, in this apartment, in less than twenty-four hours. He'll find out that not only did I give birth to his mirror image, but I married someone else. Not just any _someone_ else, but his fucking friend."

"But—"

I cut her off. "I'm not getting a massage. Of course I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown! How could you even suggest something so, so...?"

Alice held up a hand to silence me. "No, wait. Listen to me for just a minute." She gave me a stern look before her expression softened. "Please. Calm down, you're scaring me."

Raising my chin in assent, I took a deep breath and waited for her to continue. She had always tried to take care of me, and I owed it to her to hear her out.

"Do you remember when we were juniors in high school and that slore Leah was trying to go after Edward? He was friends with her brother and they worked on some science project together or something. Remember that?"

Suddenly, I found myself unable to hold back the laughter as I recalled how ridiculous I had been, jealous of some girl just because she was beautiful and wanted him. Everyone had wanted him, but he never cared about that. My face fell as I realized that things would be so, so different now.

"No, Bella, don't. Don't go there. Just remember what I am asking you about. _Leah_. You were so upset when she kept fawning all over him. Do you remember what happened?"

"Yeah, Alice, of course I remember. You dressed me up in the teeny-tiniest skirt I'd ever seen and forced me to prance around in front of them." I chuckled at the memory, reliving the jealousy that poured from her and the dark look in his eyes as I strutted into the room.

"Do you know why I did that? Why I curled your hair and made you wear those clothes?"

"I'm sorry, but no. I don't. What in the hell does this have to do with…anything, really?"

"It's what I know." She shrugged her shoulders and grasped my hand in hers before continuing. "You thought Edward didn't want you. I pushed you in the right direction to remind both of you just how _untrue_ that was. I've only ever felt this…this useless two other times in my life, Bella: when Edward disappeared, and when you married James."

This time, I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. "Alice, you're not useless. You're my best friend. You've always been there for me, and for Gracie. I don't know what we'd do without you."

"Thank you, sweets. I guess I should have said I feel helpless. I can't get a skirt short enough this time. One thing I do know, though, is you, Bella Swan, you're about to crack. You look like you're about to fall apart right in front of me. I'm in uncharted territory here, Bells. I don't know how to fix this."

"There is no way to fix it, Alice. We don't even know it's true. What if this guy is just an… just an, I don't know, an impostor! Anyone could look up his information on the internet. It doesn't make sense."

"I know it doesn't make sense, Bella. I'm not going to try to figure out the hows or the whys anymore. I'm just going to stick with what I do know. We can't do anything but wait, and while we do that, we're gonna try to relax a bit. It won't do anyone any good if we have to go see you in the loony bin."

"It's been _four years_, Alice. How could he be found after almost four years? This could turn out to be the cruelest joke ever." Breaking down in sobs, I moaned quietly, "We don't know, we just don't know."

Alice brushed her fingertips across my forehead, sweeping my hair back and tucking it behind my ear. "Listen, I'm going to call someone to come over to us. I'm serious, Bella, I'm really worried about you. I'm worried that you'll need to go to the hospital—you're teetering on the edge of a panic attack. Not to mention, if you don't eat, I have no doubt when you see my brother, you'll pass out for sure."

"I'm way past panic attack," I said, sniffling away the last of the tears for this round. "I'm sorry, I know he's your brother, and you're going through a lot, too. It's just…it doesn't feel real." Wrapping my arms around myself, I swayed from side to side and inhaled a deep breath. "It never felt real. When I was with him, we were so in love. It was like no one could ever feel like that, no one could ever really be in love like we were. We were so young and it was so perfect. And when he was gone…" I choked back a sob, unable to continue.

After a few moments of us holding each other, I continued, my voice barely above a whisper. "I had never felt so empty. It was like, how could this hell be real? And now, what if it isn't real? Or worse, what if what we felt had never been real?"

My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I quickly opened it, not bothering to glance down at who was calling. "Hello?"

"Bells?"

The sound of Emmett's voice caused a flood of anxiety to grip me. "Oh God, Emmett?" I sobbed into the phone. "Are you with him? Is it true? Can I please just talk to him?"

"Come on," he groaned out, "you know that isn't the best idea. You don't really want to do this over the phone, do you?"

"Are you sure? Are you actually standing there with him? You've actually seen him and touched him?" My voice stammered, just barely above a whisper, "Is it real? Is he really real?"

"Bella, it's him. It's really him."

Relief coursed over me, causing my knees to weaken and my heart to flutter. If I wasn't sitting down already, I would have surely been on the floor. _It was him._ Emmett wouldn't lie to me, ever. It was true.

"How is he, Em? Is he alright? What happened?"

"He looks amazing, Bells. I don't really have many details. We had some trouble with the paperwork, but it looks like we can be outta here first thing in the morning. Edward will be home tomorrow."

"Did you… did you tell him?" I whispered. "Just…please, let me tell him about Gracie."

"No, I'm with you there. I think you should be the one to tell him. We haven't told him anything yet; I called you right away. I had to check on you, Baby Bell. I knew you would need to hear it from me. Just like he deserves to hear it all from you. What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know. I just don't know."

How was I going to explain this? Pressing my hand above my heart, I imagined the look on his face as he met Gracie, smiling and holding her, instantly won over as quickly as the rest of us had been. She was so perfect and there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he would be thrilled to _know_ her, after getting over the shock of knowing _about_ her. I truly wasn't worried about him not falling completely in love with our daughter.

Imagining the look on his face when he found out about James was a completely different story. I honestly didn't know what I thought would happen. Or what I wanted to happen. Would he accept it? Did I want him to?

Emmett's voice interrupted my thoughts, "Try to get some rest, Bella. It'll all work out. Trust."

We said goodnight before ending the call. I would see them both the next day. It had been almost four years, I could make it one more day, right? Before I could say anything to Alice, my phone buzzed again. Glancing down at the screen, I saw that it was James.

"James?" I breathed out, hoping he wasn't expecting me to leave the apartment yet.

"Bella? I, uh, got your message. I just thought you should know that I'm going to my parents' house for a few days. "

"What? Why?"

"Did you change your mind, Bella? Are you coming home tonight? If I stay, are you coming to me?" He paused and took a deep breath. "Or if you have to stay there, in _that _apartment, do you want me to stay there with you, sweetheart?"

I shook my head, as if he could hear me through the phone. "N- no."

"I know. You don't want me to go, but you don't want me to stay." His voice cracked and lowered as he continued, "I can't—just can't watch this happen. I love you and Emmy more than anything. Please, Bella, _please._ Don't throw away what we have."

"James," I began to cry into the phone, "don't do this."

"I don't want to go—I hate being away from you. But I don't want to say something to you that we'll both regret. You need some time, and I need my parents. I'll bring the baby to you on my way out."

He hung up without saying goodbye, and I hated myself in that moment. He was right—I didn't want him to go, but I couldn't ask him to stay. I despised hurting him, but I didn't know how to stop.

The look on my face must have said everything that Alice needed to understand. She didn't ask any questions; she simply pushed me toward the bathroom and told me to take a bath.

As I tried to relax in the tub, thoughts of Edward and what our lives would have been like swirled through my head. Gliding my hands across the slick skin of my abdomen, I pondered that we would probably have been ready to try for another baby around this time. Other thoughts, memories of past discussions with James about this very topic, and my reluctance, invaded my head. Why was it so easy for me to think about this with dream-life Edward , yet I flat out refused to consider it with real-life James?

A soft knock at the bathroom door alerted me to Alice's presence.

"Bella, the masseuse is here, come on out whenever you're ready."

It was all so ridiculous, getting a stupid massage at the moment my life was falling apart. But if it would make Alice feel better, I would go along with it. At least I could make _someone_ feel better.

Wrapping myself in a fluffy white towel, I walked out into the living room and hopped up on the table. Though peaceful music played in the background, my thoughts continued to race, reminding me of everything Edward and I had done and talked about and planned. Hoping he wouldn't hate me for the choices I had made, I decided to focus on what I did have: a beautiful, healthy daughter, a husband who loved me more than I deserved, and an amazing family that stood by me and supported me.

Edward had to know what we had, and what we meant to each other. As long as he didn't forget that, he had to know that I had never let go of him, not really. I hoped he'd understand that I did what I had to do. I'd done it for our families, both his and mine, that were at their wits end with seeing me lost, sad and alone. Above all, I had done it for Gracie. She deserved to grow up in a home with two parents, though I didn't know at the time that I was making a mistake by trying to fool myself into thinking I was ever going to be capable of loving anyone else.

_What a mess I've made. _

Tears streamed down my face as the masseuse kneaded my tired and aching muscles, lulling me to the edge of sleep. Knowing James would be there soon with Gracie kept me from totally relaxing. After the massage, Alice looked somewhat refreshed, but still bereft. Walking into my room, I pulled out my Hello Kitty pajamas since they were Gracie's favorite.

After getting dressed, I walked back out to the living room and thanked Alice for everything. I asked if she wanted some hot tea.

"Do you have any marshmallows?" She smiled widely at me.

"Um, I think so," I replied, surprised at her sudden exuberance. "You want marshmallows in your tea?"

"No, silly. I want hot chocolate. With marshmallows."

Ambling into the kitchen, I located the ingredients to make our hot chocolate and set the pan on the stove. I was just about finished when Gracie bounded into the room, giggling and curls bouncing. "Mama, guess what? I'm gonna go home with Auntie!"

"What?" I looked up at Alice.

Alice shook her head. "Not tonight, Bella. In the morning. We'll stay here with you tonight and then tomorrow Gracie can come home with me for a little bit." She glanced at Gracie with a sweet expression before turning to me, somber now. "I'm sure you have some things to take care of that you'd rather be alone for."

A wave of anxiety washed over me as I took a deep breath and poured the hot chocolate into three mugs. After I straightened up a bit in the kitchen, Alice declared it "Girls Time!" and she and Gracie raced to grab the nail polish. As much as I wanted to curl up into a ball and wait, I needed to keep things normal for Gracie. Having a slumber party with her Auntie was definitely a treat for her, and I wouldn't take that away. Things were about to get complicated enough. As each stroke of polish was painted on my nails, I forced a smile on my face, plagued with thoughts of what would happen the next day.

After awhile, Alice realized that I was barely keeping it together and just let me lay there, watching them as they painted each others' nails and brushed each others' hair. Thankful to Alice that she picked up the slack for me and angry with myself for being unable to give Gracie this one night of happiness before all hell broke loose, I decided to keep up the façade as much as I could. Picking up a set of barrettes covered in rhinestones, I swept Gracie's hair away from her face and pinned one of the pretty clips in her hair before turning and doing the same to Alice. She glanced at me, eyes glassy with tears as she mouthed "thank you" and leaned over to squeeze my hand reassuringly.

They giggled as Gracie brushed shiny lip gloss on both their lips. She got up on her knees and kissed me, smudging the sticky gloss on my mouth and most of my face. "Love you, Mama," she whispered before we all fell into a pile together in the bed I had shared with Edward Cullen.

The next morning I woke up to the smell of bacon wafting through the apartment. I knew better than to think that Alice had cooked, so I took my time getting to the kitchen, wondering who else was there. I was surprised to find Alice and Gracie alone amongst various containers from a nearby restaurant.

"Breakfast, Mommy!" Gracie giggled in a sing-song voice. She was such a happy little girl. So lucky, so loved. I knew that Edward coming into her life could only be good for her, just one more person to love her.

I picked at my breakfast while they ate, making small talk about what Alice and Gracie were up to for the rest of the day. Before I knew it, they were dressed and out the door. I spent the rest of the morning cleaning the already-spotless kitchen and looking through some old photo albums.

And waiting.

The waiting was the worst.

Finally deciding that I needed to do something, I went into the kitchen to prepare lunch. Unsure if Edward would be there alone with me and if he would want to do something as mundane as eating, I figured everyone else might be hungry. I prepared some chicken salad sandwiches and a cold pasta dish that Edward always packed for us when we went on picnics in Forks. I wondered if he would remember those days, and if he still liked chicken salad.

I didn't hear the knock on the door, but I felt his presence before he entered the room. My skin buzzed with anticipation. He was here, he was real.

And I was married.

I looked up hesitantly and there he was. He was just as handsome as I remembered, if not even more so. Deep, green eyes bored into mine, holding me captive as we stared across the room at each other. It felt like everything was happening in slow motion. My knees were weak and I felt like I was going to fall to the floor; my breathing trembled, my heart begging me to cross the room to him, yet I was rooted to the spot.

He crossed the distance between us and wrapped his arms tightly around me, enveloping me in a cocoon of warmth and his _smell_. He held me close, swaying us slightly from side to side for what felt like an eternity.

He repeatedly whispered, "Bella, Oh Bella…I didn't know. I'm so sorry, I didn't know. Bella," as he kissed the top of my head and my hair and my temple. So familiar, yet bittersweet. He was no longer mine…

Knocking aside the negative thoughts that were sure to ruin this homecoming later, I clutched at his back, his arms, his head. He felt so real, so perfect. For three years, seven months, nine days, and roughly fifteen hours, I had dreamed of this very moment. It had been so long since I had been able to breathe, really _breathe_, and I took in a deep breath, inhaling his scent and just everything about him. I couldn't get enough.

Not wanting to let him go, I burrowed further into his embrace. Reveling in the feeling of his arms wrapped around me so fully, I feared that I would literally fall apart if he released me. I fought back the sob that threatened to erupt as I tried to prolong this moment. I knew it wouldn't last forever, no matter how much I wanted it to. I didn't want the sheer bliss that was coursing through me to end.

What the _hell_ was I going to do now?

The sound of Jasper clearing his throat brought me out of my musings. I peeked up at him, my cheek firmly pressed to Edward's chest as he lightly stroked his fingertips into my hair and against my scalp.

"Edward," Jasper murmured, clearing his throat again. "Bella…I'm going to go now and check on Gra-…" he cut himself off before saying her name, signaling to me that they had kept their promise and left it up to me to tell Edward that he was a father. "I have some things to check on. Will it be alright if I leave you two alone for a little while?" He glanced around the room, looking absolutely exhausted, but happier than I had seen him in years.

I nodded my head, feeling Edward's shirt move with my face. I couldn't separate my body from his even a fraction of an inch.

Jasper continued, "I know you two have a lot to talk about. Your mother will be over in a little while, E." He walked over to us and wrapped his arms around us both. It felt surreal, yet perfectly natural. How many times over the course of our lives had Jasper held on to us just like this? Too many to count. But now, it held so much meaning.

He backed away from us, holding back his own tears as he gave a meaningful look to me. Edward nuzzled his face into my neck and hugged me tighter. I held him closer to me, if that were possible, lost in the sensation of him and glanced over at Jasper. He looked sad for a moment before shaking his head. Then he turned around and walked toward the door.

"Bella, my Bella…" Edward murmured, taking a deep breath and continuing to rock us slightly from side to side.

Hot tears spilled down my cheeks as I opened my mouth to say something to him. What could I say? Telling him that I missed him, and that I had been an empty shell without him would be a gross understatement. There weren't words to express how I was feeling at the moment. Instead, I burrowed myself even closer to him, trying to convey with my body and my touch what I didn't have the words to say.

We stood there for what seemed like forever, just holding each other. Finally, he inched back minutely and looked down at my face. His searing gaze penetrated me, like he was looking for answers that I couldn't honestly give him.

Opening my mouth to speak, I knew I needed to tell him that I never wanted a life different from the one I envisioned with him. I needed him to know that I had never _wanted_ to move on. I needed to tell him about Gracie. I had to tell him that I didn't know how I was going to leave this room without him. But the words wouldn't come. I glanced over at the counter, to the food that I had prepared.

"Are you…are you hungry, Edward?" I looked up at his face imploringly, begging for a little more time of just _this_. I continued, "I made you some lunch, I…"

I trailed off when he clenched his jaw momentarily and stepped back from me. "Lunch? That sounds great, Bella." He seemed tense, more so than I would have expected. It was such a difference from just moments ago that it confused me. Though he said he wanted lunch, he made no motion to move away from me.

"Look, Bella. I know. Okay, they told me about J- about _him_. I just—I don't want to talk about it right now, alright? I want you to be happy, really, I do." He paused for a moment, bringing his hand up and brushing the backs of his fingers along my cheekbone. "Can I just hold you for a little while? Just a little while…"

Unable to answer him, I instead tightened my grip around him, pulling him closer than before. If I was being honest with myself, I was relieved that I didn't have to be the one to tell him about James. I couldn't even describe the way it felt, standing there in his arms after all this time. Though I wondered what he was thinking, how he felt, and if blamed me for the choices I had made, nothing short of a catastrophe would cause me to break the spell we seemed to be under.

He wanted to hold me, and I wanted to let him.

We stood like that for what could have been minutes or hours before I cleared my throat and broke the silence that enveloped us.

"Edward, I just can't believe you're here. I can't believe this is real. I don't know what to do now. I've never been without you. My life has always been about you, every single day, even when you were gone. You've always been my everything." I clutched him closer to me, rubbing up and down his spine and threading my hands into the hair at the nape of his neck. I missed the feel of him. I missed _everything_ about him. "I'm so sorry; everything is such a mess now."

Pressing me tightly to his chest, he rested his cheek on top of my head and swayed us gently back and forth, murmuring, "Shhh, my Bella, it'll be okay."

I couldn't hold in the tears. "Edward, I don't know what I'm going to do. Even though I have someone else to live for, it's always been about you. How can you say it'll be okay?"

Tucking an errant strand of hair behind my ear, he brushed the pads of his thumbs beneath my eyes to wipe away the tears. Slowly, he leaned forward and whispered, "Oh, Bella, you're my everything, too. I promise we'll figure it out, baby. Please don't cry."

Time seemed to stand still as we continued to hold on to each other. The room seemed to be charged with electricity, a power stronger than both of us, like some kind of gravitational force that wouldn't allow us to part. He looked down at me, glancing between my eyes and my lips and back up to meet my gaze again.

He was going to kiss me.

Though I had never wanted anything quite so much, I knew I couldn't allow this. Not yet. There were so many things I needed to tell him first.

"Edward, wait." I whimpered slightly as he traced along my jaw with his thumb and brought his soft lips so close to mine, warm, even breaths whispering across my lips. "I need to tell you something."

Slightly shaking his head, he tilted my face up to his and pulled me closer to him. "Baby, please. Just…" He paused before taking a deep breath and slowly brushing his lips across mine, back and forth, barely a touch as he held himself back.

Were we sharing the same thoughts? _Could we really go there? And once we started, how could we stop? _

"Bella."

It was faint, barely a whisper, but reverent and longing. Dazed, I watched as his eyes changed, seeing the way he steeled his resolve that we were, in fact, _going there_.

Just as he leaned closer to me, threading his fingers tightly into my hair and pressing his lips to mine, the door burst open and Edward's gaze locked with mine.

"Mommy!" Gracie ran into the room and flung her arms around my knees.

Edward didn't even look down at her. Unable to move, to speak, to do _anything_, I watched the myriad of emotions that cross over his perfect face. _What was that expression?_

Anger? Sadness?

_Defeat. _

Before I could open my mouth to speak, Edward wrenched away from me and ran out the door.


	7. Ch7: How Quick the Sun Can Drop Away

**Chapter 7: How Quick the Sun Can Drop Away**

***EPOV***

When we were little kids, all growing up together, we'd take turns picking out the games we'd play. The boys would undoubtedly want to play some sport, like tackle or baseball or something similar. Rosalie always wanted someone to push her on the swings or merry-go-round.

Bella would pick something she thought we'd all want to play, like a good 'ole game of defend the fort or hide and seek. She'd always been that way—more comfortable if the people around her were happy, no matter what she wanted.

Without fail, Alice always wanted to play something stupid that involved dressing up, like house or putting on an elaborate play with costumes and set props. Her absolute favorite thing to do was pretending to be a wedding coordinator. Leaving no detail overlooked, she'd even make sure we had fresh flowers in our lapels. Most of the time, she wanted us to draw names to decide who was going to get paired up.

Bella, however, would flat out refuse. No matter how much we would all try and chide her into agreeing with Alice so we could just get it the fuck over with and play something else, she wouldn't relent.

Sighing as I remembered when things were so much simpler, I thought about how adorable Bella always had been. Crossing her little arms across her chest and pouting out her lip, she'd assert that if she wasn't marrying _me_, she wasn't playing anymore.

Things certainly change when you grow up.

Glancing out the window, I watched as we flew past the buildings and the city, headed toward my parents' house. I just wanted to go home. Home to Bella. Home to my life before. Just _home_.

My dad kept looking over at me, concern etched into his features. My mother held my hand in hers and drew slow, soothing circles on my skin before I pulled away from her to cross my arms over my chest. Ever since we landed in Seattle, there seemed to be a quiet, oppressing silence that swirled around us. Sure that everyone thought that I was brooding or something, they were seemingly trying to give me space and not pressure me into talking. As much as I had missed them, I almost craved the solitude Alaska had provided me. It was like culture shock or too much to take in, being back here, having missed so much.

The real shock was Bella. _My_ Bella. _Married._ To someone else.

I just didn't get it. We'd been everything to each other. Every first we'd ever experienced was together. My thoughts twisted and turned, causing even the air that I was breathing to feel acrid and stale. I clenched my hands into fists in an effort to keep them from shaking.

The crunch of gravel beneath the tires signaled our arrival. Unable to comprehend why they couldn't just bring me straight to _her, _I grudgingly got out of the car, pouting like a four-year-old.

So many moments of my childhood came rushing back to me as I walked up the steps of my parents' house: kissing Bella on the porch, playing football in the yard, almost fucking Bella in the tree house in the back, riding my bike down the long driveway, being nervous as I held Bella's hand in front of my parents for the first time. Almost every memory that I possessed was woven with memories of her.

How could this be happening?

Without a doubt, I was grateful to have my memory back, but the entire situation seemed almost unreal, and I felt more lost than I had even back in Talkeetna. Who the _fuck_ was I if I wasn't the other half of Bella Swan? It was like I couldn't exist without her. I never had, even when we were kids and were supposed to be "just friends." Even when I couldn't remember her, I'd never _really_ forgotten.

Could I go back to that? Being just friends? I wasn't sure if I knew how to do that. I'd spent more of my life being able to kiss her and hold her and do _whateverthefuck_ I wanted with her than not.

My mom kissed my cheek before I trudged up the stairs to my old bedroom. As soon as I opened the door, my senses were assaulted by Bella. My knees felt weak as I glanced at the picture of her in high school on my old desk. Her cheerleading skirt was so fucking short. Momentarily allowing myself to remember what it felt like to run my hands beneath that skirt, I shook my head before scanning the rest of the room.

Glancing around, I sat on the slightly wrinkled bed, picking up a shirt I didn't recognize. Quickly realizing that it smelled familiar, like Bella, I brought it to my face and inhaled deeply. Her unmistakable scent floating through the air left me with no doubt that she had recently been sleeping in my room, in my bed. There was no way in Hell that my mom would have left it unattended for long.

I wondered briefly why Bella would do that. Perhaps she fought with Ja—I didn't even want to say the stupid fucker's name. _I mean, was he serious?_

Of course, I wanted her to be happy and not be alone forever, but _fuck_. He was my roommate in college and he _knew_ how I felt about her. Dudes just shouldn't move in on your girl like that—no matter what the circumstances are.

Regardless of the reasons behind Bella sleeping over at my parents' house, in my fucking room, I knew I couldn't stay there, surrounded by her and reminding me of everything that _we_ had, and what should be doing together.

_What. The. Fuck? _

I let out a frustrated growl a little too loudly as I opened the door of the guest room across the hall.

Everything was pink.

Not that just barely-almost-whitish-pink—really _pink_. With feathers and cutesy girl shit everywhere.

Striding into the room, I dropped my bag in front of the closet. There was no way I was even opening that door. Only God knew what other girly stuff was in there. I took in more of the décor: stuffed animals everywhere, a bookcase shaped like a huge doll house, coloring books and crayons on a round table by the window.

Neither of my siblings had a kid, did they? I felt like an ass as I realized that I'd never asked, but surely they would have mentioned it, right? It didn't make sense to me, but there must have been a kid coming over here. Judging by the massive amount of stuff lying around, it seemed to be a pretty regular occurrence.

Maybe my mother had been babysitting or something. That would be just like her—she was always trying to help people. Shrugging, I realized my dad had probably hired some nurse or receptionist or someone that needed help.

As I fell back onto the fluffy bed, I noticed a picture on the bedside table. I picked it up and realized it was a photograph of Bella and me. There were smudges and fingerprints all over it. It was gross and kind of endearing at the same time. Setting it back on the nightstand, I closed my eyes and tried to figure out how long they were all going to make me wait before going to see Bella.

Allowing my thoughts to wander, I thought about how strangely my family had been acting. Em would hardly look me in the eye, and Rosalie kept whispering to him in hushed, livid tones. My mother just kept asking me if I was alright, and my father kept looking at me with a wistful, almost-proud expression.

None of them had been acting as weird as Jasper, though. Almost as soon as we hit The Highlands, Jasper was pulling out his cell phone, calling Alice and telling her that he'd let her know when we left the house and that she could then leave Bella's to come meet up with my mother. It was so fucking confusing. Didn't Alice want to see me? And if she was with Bella already, why couldn't we all just go over _there_?

Hearing my mother call for me, I trekked back down the stairs and found her in the family room, nervously wringing her hands. Walking around the room, I found that it hardly looked any different. Though there were several new additions, the same pictures from my youth dotted the mantles and walls. Not wanting to chance catching one of Bella that was more recent, or _worse_—not alone, I stopped looking around and roughly tugged my hand through my hair in frustration.

She was clearly still in touch with them and still _close_ to them if she had slept over here. I was glad that she was able to remain a part of their lives, but it made me jealous that they'd had time with her that I would never get back. Or have again.

I was stunned as I noticed Alice's antique dollhouse standing in the far corner of the room. Even if my mom was helping out by babysitting, there was no way in Hell that she had pulled that out for some kid she barely knew. It was over eighty-years-old, having belonged to my grandmother, and was almost priceless.

"Edward, sweetheart, are you ready to head over to Bel—, I mean, to the apartment?" She looked at me, her eyes filling with tears before clearing her throat and continuing. "Jasper's going to drive you and then I'll come pick you up." She paused. "Unless you want me to go with you? I wouldn't mind, baby."

The tears in her eyes spilled over as she stroked my cheek. When she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me, I felt like a lost little boy. "Don't be too hard on her, honey. She's been through so much. More than you know."

"I won't. I just need to see her, Mom. I've been ready to go since before we got here. Since I woke up, really."

She hugged me closer to her as Jasper walked in, clapping me on the back. "You ready, man?" Nodding my head in his direction, I gave my mother a final hug before turning and stepping out of the room.

Jasper and I walked out to his car, my mind running a million miles a minute. I wondered if she would look any different, if she would feel different in my arms, if I would still feel the same inexplicable pull to her that I had always felt. I wondered if I would be able to resist her. I'd never been able to. Then again, I never had to try before. Biting back a chuckle, I thought about those fucking hot secretary glasses she got right before her birthday, and hoped she wouldn't still be wearing those.

Surely she was still beautiful—she always had been and I was sure our time apart hadn't changed that. I wondered what it would feel like to have my mouth on hers, how it would be to breathe her in—if she smelled the same. She did, I told myself; I knew that already. My room smelled just like her.

My fingers practically ached as I wondered what it would be like to touch her again and run my fingers through her hair. What if she had cut it? She had always let it grow long, knowing how much I loved it flowing down her back in thick, rich waves. I imagined her silky skin; it always felt so good under my fingertips. I hadn't ever been able to keep my hands off of her.

Was it wrong for me to have these thoughts about some other guy's wife?

Probably.

But she was mine first. My everything—then. And now? Could it be that way now? How could it _ever_ be any other way?

Anger surged through me as I realized that she belonged to someone else. She had been with someone else. She had let some other guy do the same things to her body that I had. _How could she do that?_ How could she promise _me_ forever and then turn around and fucking marry some other guy?

Logically, I knew I was being stupid. I had been gone a long time, and Bella thought that I was dead. But she _promised_.

Was less than four years enough time to let her forget all that we had?

"E, man, you alright over there? You sure you're up for this?" Jasper's eyes left the road for a moment to look over at me. "Take a deep breath or something, you look like shit."

Shaking my head and inhaling slowly to calm myself, I closed my eyes. "I don't know. Yeah, I'm fucking fine." Silence passed for a moment before I opened my eyes and looked at him, muttering, "I just can't wait to see Bella. It won't be real until I do, you know?"

He nodded his head. "I don't know how you're handling this. It's got to be hard on you. I also know that it's been really hard for her, too. You almost had it easy, Edward—the not remembering. She's been dealing with losing you, not to mention her life as a m—as a w–without you."

"You sound like a pussy, man. Her life, huh?" I spat out, incensed. "Tell me about her, Jazz. What does she do? I mean, she's gotta have a job, right? I know she's got all my money and shit, but she'd never be one to sit around doing nothing."

He seemed to be deep in thought as he stammered, "Um, I think that'd be something for you to ask her, dude. We, uh, promised B we'd let her tell you."

"Tell me about her fucking job? Why? Did she open up a strip club or something? Is she that fucker's secretary? I mean, dude, she's got a master's degree in business and she's smart as fuck." My anger was quickly escalating at the lack of information I had. "Why can't you just tell me what she does? Something about her, _anything_, besides that she's fucking married. To a douchefuck."

Taking a deep breath, he seemed to be debating what to say to me. "She's a st—she doesn't work. And he treats her really well, Edward. He lo-"

"What?" I ground out, cutting him off. I didn't want to hear him tell me how much that fucker loved my girl. "Bella doesn't work? Oh, I get it. Fucking Bremner doesn't want her to show him up, right? Wants the little wife to stay home barefoot and—" my voice choked. "Jazz, God. She's not—she's not pregnant is she? That's why she didn't fly? Oh fuck man, I— Pull over, I think I'm gonna be sick." Bending down and putting my head between my knees, hoping I could keep it together, I knew I was close to snapping.

Gripping my shoulder firmly, he veered off to the side of the road. "Edward, it's okay. Take a deep breath. Calm the fuck down. I was with Bella last week and she was drinking. I'm pretty sure she's not pregnant." He paused before continuing, his voice exuding composure. "In fact, I think that's an issue with them. She's not ready. Trust me; she didn't fly out to you because she can't get on a fucking plane without completely losing her shit, asshole."

I took a few more deep breaths, trying to abate the nausea that overtook me. "Sorry man."

Jasper looked over at me one more time, his face full of apprehension, before pulling the car back out onto the road. The rest of our trip passed by in stilted silence.

**X-X-X-X-X**

Stepping into the apartment I shared with Bella was like stepping back in time; it looked exactly the same. So many thoughts crossed my mind as our eyes connected across the room.

Love. The image of her at sixteen years old, pretty and sweet as she sat next to me in a darkened theater for our first date alone.

Lust. A drunken romp in the backyard of a fraternity house, while the party raged on inside. Warm, alcohol flavored breath whispering across slick skin, my gentle reminders to hush ignored as she rode me.

Lament. The imagined vision of her walking down an aisle toward someone—not me— beautiful and perfect, and no longer mine.

Somehow, I didn't care that she belonged to anyone else, because suddenly crossing the room and touching her was no longer optional. I knew that I wouldn't feel whole until she was in my arms.

I was right—about everything.

She still fit there perfectly. She was still beautiful. The magnetic pull that we had always felt was still in full force.

As if I could ever doubt it.

Holding her tightly to me, I swayed us back and forth and whispered to her. Home. Finally home. In some ways, standing there with her felt like forever, but in others it was just a millisecond. I didn't want to leave, and she didn't seem to want to let me.

When she started to say something, I stopped her. I figured she was going to justify all of the reasons that she got married, and my brain got all that. My heart, however, needed more time. I didn't want to hear the excuses; I just wanted to pretend for a little while.

I almost lost it when she asked me if I wanted lunch. While it was sweet that she thought to cook for me, I immediately thought of how many times she made _him_ lunch and then I thought about what it was like with her standing in that very spot.

Had she fucked him on that kitchen counter, too?

Fighting the urge to rage at her, I just pulled her closer to me as she clutched me tighter in response. After awhile, she started to tell me that I had always been her everything and I just didn't get it. Didn't she know it would always be like that with us? Then she said something fucked up about having someone else to live for, and I had to fight the feelings that made me want to push her away. But she started crying, and I couldn't—I _refused_ to—hurt her, and instead held her closer and told her everything would be okay, even though I had no fucking idea how it ever would be okay again.

Then I Iooked into her eyes and just allowed myself to _feel_.

The same pull, always there when it came to us. It felt right.

_How could it be wrong?_

Right or wrong be damned. There was no way in fuck that I was leaving this room without feeling her mouth on mine. I had to make her see that even though she couldn't wait for me, I would always wait for her. She needed to know how I felt—how I'd always feel.

Tilting her head up to meet mine, I brushed my lips back and forth over hers. Testing my control, I paused and took in the enormity of this moment. She knew I was going to kiss her. And she was going to let me.

She wanted it.

Just as I started to lean further into her and press my lips more firmly to hers, I heard it.

And _felt_ it.

"Mommy!" Followed by the weight of a little person's arms being thrown around Bella's legs.

Her mother's legs.

Bella was…_a mom_?

The room was spinning as I stumbled back slightly and looked into Bella's eyes. How could she?

There was no coming back from this. I knew it was wrong of me to want another guy's wife. I also knew there was no way in Hell I would break up her family, no matter how much I wanted her. Recognizing the look of shock in Bella's face, I took one more look into her eyes before pulling away from her and running out the door.

I hadn't even looked down at her child. I couldn't. I knew I'd have to see the kid eventually, but I just couldn't handle looking at the physical manifestation of Bella belonging to someone else, loving someone else, fucking someone else.

My God. What the fuck was I going to do now?

My mother exchanged a few words with Bella before saying in a loud voice, "Bye Gracie. See you later, sweetie."

_Gracie?_

Although it was totally irrational, I couldn't help but feel that my mother had been treacherous in all of this. She should've fucking told me. They all should have. I didn't give a fuck that Bella asked them not to-they shouldn't have sent me in there blind like that. Jasper, promising me that Bella wasn't pregnant_ now_… when he knew that she had been before.

Even my own mother had fucked me over.

Suddenly, it all made sense. My mother had been keeping her. That's what all the pink shit was in our guest room. Bella's kid's stuff. Thinking back to that shirt in my room, I wondered if my mother had let all of them sleep over. In my fucking room.

It was as if the sun had been ripped from my sky. Everything felt black. Bella had been everything to me, and I thought that I'd been the same for her. Finally, I got it. I was wrong.

Anger coursed through me and I wanted to fucking break something as I sat in the car like a goddamned teenager, waiting for my mom to drive me home. Deciding not to wait anymore, I got out of the car and started walking, in the rain.

A few hours later, I arrived back at my parents' house, dripping wet. I didn't have a key, so I had to ring the doorbell like a motherfucking outsider. That's how I felt—like an outsider in my own family. Bella had replaced me with some other guy, and all of my family accepted it. My brother, my sister, _everyone_. Even my own mother.

When my dad opened the door, a forlorn look on his face, I walked right past him and toward the stairs.

"Please, son. We need to talk about this," he pleaded with me.

Shaking my head, I didn't even turn around and look at him as I trudged up the stairs to my room. Pausing, I laid my hand on the door and fought to keep my composure. Knowing I wasn't ready to be flooded with the memories of all the shit we had done in that room, I turned and entered the pink room. Bella's kid's room.

Fuck.

I took a quick shower and dried off before throwing myself down on the bed. All this girly shit needed to go. I wanted my room back, but knew I wouldn't be able to go back in there. I was fucked.

My mind was racing; _Bella was a mom_. Ever since I'd gotten my memory back, all I could think about was getting back to her. Even after I found out she was married, it all felt like I was caught somewhere in between reality and some alternate universe.

This could not be happening.

I'd been waiting, for years it felt. Waiting to see her. Waiting to hold her. Waiting to kiss her. Then, like some sick cliché, I heard the pitter-patter of little feet, and it was over.

_Over._

There was a soft knock on the door, followed by my mother's worried voice. "Sweetheart, please, just let me talk to you for a moment. There's something you need to hear."

What could she possibly have to say to me?

Silently, I got up and opened the door before plodding back over to the bed and throwing myself down. She sat at the edge of the bed holding a frayed tissue in her shaking hands.

Deciding I needed to get this over with, I said, "Mom, look. I get it. I was dead. She moved on." I rolled my eyes before continuing. "I bet she's a great mother, I really do. And I am serious—I really want her to just _be happy_." I stopped, trying to maintain composure around the woman who had raised me. "I just don't get why she can't be happy with me. Why she moved on so quickly."

She opened her mouth to speak, but I held my hand up, wordlessly begging her to let me get it out. She nodded at me, assuring that she'd let me finish.

"Really, I'll be alright. I just…I can't imagine Bella with anyone else. This whole time since you told me, I've been deluding myself. Thinking that we could possibly still figure out a way to make this work. She made a mistake marrying some other guy, and I was determined to make her see that. But now…_Mom_," I paused, taking a deep breath.

"Edward, wait…"

Shaking my head, I interrupted her again. "I know it's wrong that I thought like that. It's just…" I paused, trying to form the words to explain the way I felt. Like my entire life was over.

Like I was utterly defeated.

My mother pulled me toward her, rustling my hair slightly and cocooning me in her arms. As I fought to keep the tears from coming, she pulled my head down into her lap and trailed comforting fingers through my hair and along my cheekbones, a gesture she'd done a million times before.

I was overwhelmed.

I was miserable.

But most of all, I was pissed.

"Mom, look, I need to ask you something."

"Anything, Edward. What would you like to know?"

"No, not something I want to know." I shook my head. "I mean, I probably will want to know some stuff, but I can't—I just…not right now. I don't want you to let Bella come over here for awhile. I don't want you to bring her kid around me. Please, Mom, until I can…" I trailed off, unsure of what to say next.

Until I could _what_?

Get used to seeing Bella walking around with some other guy's kid?

I'd _never_ fucking get used to that.

But there was no way that I was going to sit around and watch her be happy and in love with that fucker and their kid. I knew my limits. And this was it.

"Sweetheart," my mother's voice interrupted my thoughts, "I love you with everything that I am, but please don't ask me to do that. I can't—"

"What? Are you fucking kidding me?"

Just then, my father popped in the room with a large frame behind his back. "Son, watch your language."

"Did you just hear what she said to me? I asked her not to let Bella and her—her—well, not to let Bella come over for awhile and she refused."

"Calm down," my father said, his voice stern and reproachful. "You don't have all the facts. Sit down, please," he implored.

I hadn't realized I was standing, practically towering over my mother. "I'm sorry, I just—what the Hell, Mom?"

She looked from me to my father and gave him a small nod. "Sweetheart, there's something you need to see before you say another word to either of us." She thrust the frame my father had been holding into my hands and gestured to the photograph it encased.

The breath left my body, almost suffocating me. My chest tightened as I staggered, almost losing my balance, before sinking to my knees on the floor. My fingertips traced the face of the little girl in the picture. Feeling almost lightheaded, I couldn't process what I was looking at.

Bright green eyes peered back at me, a shy smile on her little face. The same smile I'd loved for most of my life. She was beautiful, absolutely perfect. Wild curls, the shade a cross between a penny and chocolate, curled around her face, haphazard and familiar.

Looking up at my parents for guidance, I opened and closed my mouth several times in an attempt to voice the thoughts that were swirling in my head.

How could this be? How could this have happened?

"Oh my God. She looks just like me."


	8. Ch8: The Best Part of Me Was Always You

**Chapter Eight: The Best Part of Me Was Always You**

***EPOV***

Mountains. Stacks. Piles. That was the best description that I could come up with for all the fucking paperwork I'd had to fill out since returning from "the dead." Insurance forms, social security papers, company files. The endless appointments scheduled with specialists to ensure I was in good health. Not to mention having to field the calls from all the networks and papers that wanted an interview. It seemed as though everyone and their mother wanted a piece of me.

Meanwhile, I just wanted Bella.

…And Emma-Grace. Gracie. _My daughter._

I had a daughter. And I'd missed out on everything in her life thus far.

Pressing my palms to my eyes and leaning forward onto the slew of forms and documents that had amassed in front of me, I thought about what had happened to me in the last couple of days: remembering who I was, finding out about my girl being married, discovering I had a kid—it was almost too much to process.

I had run away from her, from both of them. Like an asshole.

When my parents handed me that picture frame—there weren't words to describe the emotions I was feeling. Disbelief. Confusion. Amazement. _Shock_. Looking at her sweet face and beautiful, perfect features, there was no doubt in my mind that she was my child…_our_ child. It was as if I were looking at a picture of myself, only with springy curls and Bella's smile just beneath the surface. She was absolutely stunning; truly the best of me and my girl. But how?

My parents had explained to me that she found out she was pregnant a few months after I disappeared, and that had been the only thing that held her together. It was really the only thing that held all of the members of my family together. They also attempted to tell me how Bremner had stepped up and taken care of her through everything.

I didn't want to hear about any of that.

Groaning at the memory, anxiety flooded my thoughts. I was worried that I had ruined my chance to really get to know my little girl by running away from her. I wondered if I had scared her. My parents told me that she knew all about me, and that they were her grandparents. They also gave me some minor details about her, like the fact that she loved to draw, her favorite color was pink—_big surprise_ _with Alice as her aunt_— and that she had a goldfish named Jacob. The information that they did not provide, however, was what I truly craved.

No matter what our circumstances, especially now more than ever, I couldn't help but feel that they belonged with me. I knew the situation was complicated—she was _married_, but that didn't stop me from thinking that all of this just didn't need to be as fucked up as it was. Though I knew it wouldn't be as simple as packing up her shit to move it back home, I knew that we would figure it out. I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. To the way it should be: Bella and me, raising our kid _together_. I planned to lay it all out for her when I met up with her later that day.

My brother's booming voice echoed through the house, surprising me. A few moments later, he walked in with Rosalie not far behind.

"How's it hanging, Dude?"

Groaning, I rubbed my hand across my face before gesturing to all the paperwork that was spread out before me. "Just peachy, Em. What're you two up to today?"

Rosalie scowled slightly as she pulled out a chair and sat. "Ask him," she prodded as she motioned toward her husband.

My brother cleared his throat, his expression turning serious. "A little birdie told me that you had plans to go see Bells later today, man. I just needed to set some stuff straight with you before you tromped over there, making demands and shit." He glanced at his wife before continuing. "There's stuff you don't understand. And while I am completely stoked that you're safe at home, I've been taking care of her for practically her whole life. I'm not about to stop now."

The silence that followed his warning stretched on as I just stared at him. _Is he fucking kidding me? _He thought he needed to protect Bella—my Bella—from _me_? Where the fuck was he when she needed to be protected from Bremner? _Fucker._

"Look, man, I don't know exactly who you think you need to protect her from, but I thought I'd been the one who had been taking care of her for _my_ whole life. I know I had amnesia, but fuck, I didn't forget that."

His fists clenched in front of him and he opened his mouth when Rosalie cut him off. "Edward, look, what papa bear here is trying to say is that she's been through a lot. She's a delicate petal," she trailed off, rolling her eyes. "She needs to be protected from everything, even from you." Crossing her arms across her chest, she narrowed her gaze at me before zeroing in on her husband. "Both of you, well all of us really, want the same thing. You and Bella—_together forever_." She batted her lashes exaggeratedly before continuing. "What both of you seem to forget is, _one_: that she is a grown woman and is capable of making her own decisions—even if she almost always makes the wrong ones. And _two_: James is good to her. He's crazy about her, and Gracie is his whole life. I can promise you this—he's not going down without a fight."

"Neither am I. There's no need to fight. You're making this way more complicated than it needs to be. She's been mine since we were _kids_. She wouldn't be with him if I hadn't been…gone. I'm back, and I'm not going anywhere—ever again."

My sister-in-law looked at me with the most sympathetic expression I'd ever seen on her face. _Was that pity?_ She pitied me? She should be feeling sorry for stupid Bremner.

"Dude," Emmett looked at me with concern. "She's not gonna—"

Shaking my head, my brow furrowed as I held up my hand in an effort to get him to just _stop_. If he thought he was going to convince me that _my_ girl would rather be with someone else, he had another thing coming. She belonged with me, and I knew she knew it.

"Look man, I appreciate you trying to prepare me or protect her or whatever-the-fuck you were trying to accomplish here, but it's not needed. It's unnecessary, Em. Things seemed fucked up right now. But not for long—_not after today_."

"Dude, are you ser-"

"Where are you two meeting?" Rosalie interrupted us, her voice soft and even. She was trying to diffuse the situation that was seemingly escalating into territory that I didn't want to get into with my brother, and I was thankful for her disruption.

"At our apartment. She told Alice that she was planning on giving it back to me so I wouldn't have to stay here if I didn't want to," I said as I motioned around my parents' kitchen.

She gasped. "She said _what_? She's giving you her apartment?"

"What the hell, Rose? It was my apartment, too. Why wouldn't she—it's not like she needs two places to live," I huffed indignantly. "She thinks it's best for Gracie if I move in there. So, uh, whenever she comes to see me, it'll be somewhere she's already comfortable. I don't think I want to stay there anyway. Not if he ever…" I trailed off, unable to complete my thought. Running my hands roughly through my hair, I realized how much I did _not_ want to think about Bella being at _our_ apartment with some other guy—especially fucking Bremner.

"She didn't," Rosalie whispered, putting a halt to my internal tirade. "She never let him live there or even sleep over. Look, I'm not telling you this to get your hopes up. I don't think there's any point. They've been married less than a year, but she's with _him_ now. It took her a long time to get where she is. Don't take that away from her."

"Whatever," I mumbled, relieved that she hadn't lived with him in our home.

Just then, my mother walked into the kitchen and looked over at us with a sad expression. "Sweetheart, are you ready to go? I can drive you."

"No, Mom, it's okay. I'll drive myself. I, uh, I don't know how long I'll be." I hadn't mentioned to her about me moving back into my old apartment. She had barely wanted to let me out of her sight since I got back. I knew it would be hard on her.

Emmett straightened his stance, ready to reiterate what he already told me about not hurting her.

As if I needed to be reminded.

"Save it, Em. I'm gonna tell her how I feel today, and that's all there is to it." I looked at him, daring him to argue back.

To everyone else, it probably seemed hypocritical of me—here I was trying to take fucking _Bremner's_ girl away from him. The fact that no one else seemed to recognize was that Bella wasn't _his_ to begin with. She's always been _mine_, and if a huge…just fucking _tragedy _hadn't occurred and totally fucked up everything, there would be nothing to argue over.

It wasn't that I didn't respect the vows people took when they got married, just that I knew my girl didn't mean them. She couldn't have. She never would have said "I do" to anyone else if I was still in the picture. I didn't understand what had allowed her to do it even with me out of the picture, but that was something I sure as fuck was gonna get to the bottom of when I saw her.

My brother's loud mouth interrupted my musings. "Dude, just…fuck, man. This was harder on her than it was on anyone. She just needs time. You don't understand—"

"You're right. I'll never understand. She _belongs_ with me." With that statement, I turned and walked out the door, heading for Bella.

**X-X-X-X-X**

She was shifting uncomfortably on the couch, fidgeting and playing with her hair. We'd been over all the details about the apartment—Bella thought it'd be best for our daughter if I moved back in there since it was a place that was familiar and comfortable. I had to admit that I was shocked at how much things _hadn't_ changed in all the time I was gone.

The couch was the same, even the dishes were unchanged—everything, really. There were some new pictures of my family members hanging in the hall and most of my clothes were removed from the closet, but the only differences I could discern were directly related to Gracie. Her highchair stood in the kitchen and bright, colorful magnets littered the refrigerator and dishwasher. Her room was what I supposed every little girl's dream would be, complete with a bed shaped like Cinderella's carriage and a bookcase shaped like a castle. My old office had been converted into an art studio. Thinking about my daughter enjoying painting and drawing brought an easy smile to my lips.

Reaching out and grabbing Bella's hand seemed so natural. She gasped slightly but didn't pull away. My shoulders tensed when she told me she wanted to talk about her and James.

I didn't _want _to hear it, but if that's what needed to happen in order for me to tell her that I wanted to figure shit out, I'd let her say what she had to and get through the conversation.

"Edward, I just need you to understand that I didn't even start, uh, dat—I mean…" She stopped, looking at me for guidance.

"Ba—Bella, you really don't need to explain this shit to me. _Really_. How about you tell me more about our daughter? When did you find out? How did…I just don't understand."

"I didn't know I was pregnant until almost three months after you—" She trailed off, tears brimming in her eyes. I felt a tug at my heart. She took a deep breath and continued. "I didn't even notice that I was, you know, _late_. I figured it was all the stress. Your mom actually came right out and asked me. I shrugged it off, but stopped on the way home to buy a test." She stopped, her expressions contorting as she remembered.

Watching her, I was mesmerized as her lips curved into a beautiful smile. She was radiant, truly the prettiest thing I'd ever seen as she began to speak again.

"It was a miracle. She's beautiful—she looks just like you. You just _cannot_ understand what it was like for me, well, really, what it was like for all of us. Emma-Grace was what held us all together." She paused, squeezing my hand. "James and I— He waited for me. He helped me, first just by taking care of all the paperwork you had set up and making sure I was taking care of myself. Then, after Gracie was born…"

"He wanted to see her, to keep taking care of you." Thoughts of him coming by with flowers and baby stuff infuriated me. _Who the fuck does he think he is?_ I mean, I knew I'd asked him to take care of everything, but that fucker knew what I meant: money, paperwork, security. Not trying to 'butter her up' and move in on my girl when she was all vulnerable and shit. Who _does_ that?

"Yeah. We were just frien—we didn't… Yeah, he just loved Gracie right from the start. I let him. I felt so bad for your family, Edward. Even though I knew they'd never say I was burdening them, I felt like I was. I needed to be independent. I had to be. And he loves her, so much, and he's g-good to me."

Pulling my hand away from hers, I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. "I told you, I really don't need you to explain this to me. I'm not mad at you, okay? I just—I don't want to talk about it right now. It's too new."

An uncomfortable silence pressed down on us. It'd never been like this before; we'd always been able to just _talk_—about whatever. My heart was weighed down, and I didn't want to keep sitting there, pretending like everything was just fine and dandy anymore. I pulled at my hair in frustration. Though I didn't ask her what her plans were, she had made it perfectly clear that she had no intention of leaving James.

"Can we play a game, to maybe get to know each other again?" She paused. "Uh, twenty questions?" She looked up at me with an anxious expression on her face, not like she really wanted to play this stupid fucking game, but that she wanted a way to talk to me without limits. We'd never needed that before.

"Sure, Bella. Anything you want. Just like always."

"Um okay. So I'll go fi-first?" she stammered out while I just looked at her, my intense gaze never wavering. "Your favorite, um, your favorite color?"

"Really? It hasn't changed. Why ask questions you already know the answer to if you're trying to 'get to know me' again?" I made air quotes to let her to know how stupid I thought this actually was.

"You're right, I'm sorry. Um, did you like your job in Alaska?"

"Yes. Is it my turn now?" My anger, which had been simmering beneath the surface for days, had reached its boiling point. I was done with the safe question and answer time—I wanted to get to the heart of it.

"Yes, of course."

"Did you fuck him in this apartment—maybe even on this couch?"

"What?" she gasped as her hand flew to the base of her throat. "No! Of course not. I—"

Cutting her off, I continued, "Why? Why didn't you? You married him." It wasn't a question; it was a statement.

"I couldn't… It was forever before I would even kiss him."

Did she think that made it any better? "Forever, huh? Seems like we have different versions of what that means. So, he's the only one then?"

"No— I mean yes. But you're the only…" she murmured before stopping herself from saying anymore. She shook her head and continued, her voice barely a whisper, "How many people did you— did you m— were you with in Alaska?"

Pure unadulterated rage flew through my veins. She was going there? Fine, we would do this. "None. You haunted me." I took in her sorrowful expression before firing out my next question. "Did you fuck him in my car?"

"What? What d'you…? How could you even ask me that?"

"How could you ask me to play this _game _with you, Bella? I'm almost thirty years old and sitting here in the apartment that I used to live in with you, and you want to play a game in order to ask me questions?" Angry now, I couldn't even look at her—I turned my attention to the piano in the corner. "_Seriously_? You didn't even pull that shit when we were in high school. Though, I wouldn't be opposed to playing strip twister with you again, if you're interested in games."

Her muffled sobs broke me from my tirade, ending my spiteful rampage. I'd never dealt well with her tears; they were something that I never liked to see, that I'd always sought to stem at the first sight. My shoulders slumped as I glanced over to her. Her delicate fingers were wiping away tears and my anger fizzled at the sight.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I just don't know why you'd want to have this discussion. I sure as fuck don't. I don't want to know about you with anyone else. Ever. Please, it's too hard."

"I don't—" she paused, shaking her head. I had never wanted to read her mind any other time before as much as I did right then. _What is she thinking? _She didn't_ what? Didn't want me? Didn't want to be with him? _

Not wanting her to think that I was doing this shit on purpose—_hurting her_, I tried to think of something to explain the way I was feeling. "Do you remember when we were fourteen years old and you got pissed at me because Lauren Mallory was wearing my jacket?" I looked at her, waiting for confirmation.

She looked at me, confused. "Yeah, your letterman jacket with your name on the back?"

"I left it behind in one of my classes and she picked it up. Instead of returning it or giving it to you, she told everyone that I asked her to wear it. You refused to speak to me the whole day. I didn't even know what happened until Emmett went ballistic because he heard we broke up."

"I remember. That's when you got suspended for fighting with Ben Cheney. Your parents had to come and pick you up from the principal's office and pay for his glasses." She sniffled, a hint of humor in her voice.

"I remember being so mad that you were pissed at me, that you could even think I would do something like that. If you thought I was capable of something so stupid, I was gonna show you. That's why I kissed Angela in the hall that day. When Ben saw it, he tried to beat the crap out of me."

"While this is a fun walk down memory lane," she muttered sarcastically. "I don't think I quite understand what this has to do with anything."

"I just need you to understand this. Bella, I felt like shi—I felt horrible that I had done that to you. It was wrong of me to kiss someone else just because you hurt me. I wanted to hurt you, too, but after I did it I felt awful."

"No. You felt awful because Ben asked me to the dance to get back at you, and I said 'yes.' You couldn't stand the thought of someone else taking me, even though you couldn't ..."

"That's not true. I told you I understood why you said you'd go with him. I was crushed, baby, but I wanted you to be happy because I had fucked everything up so royally by kissing that girl. This isn't like that; I'm not trying to hurt you now. I just…don't know how _not_ to. It's killing me, not being able to touch you or…" I trailed off, not knowing how to continue. "Do you know what I mean, Bella?"

Nodding her head minutely, she shifted closer to me as I reached out and pushed an errant strand of hair behind her ear. I rubbed the pad of my thumb across her beautiful lip.

"I never wanted to kiss anyone but you. I never wanted to be with anyone but you. I knew it when I was fourteen years old. Before then, even—I've always known it."

She leaned closer to me, and _holy fuck_ I wanted to kiss her so bad. In a deep recess of my mind, I realized she was married, but the less noble side of me didn't care. She was mine, had always been mine. We were attracted to each other in a purely intense way. Not a day had gone by between us where I hadn't wanted to touch her in some way. Even now, when I was upset beyond belief that she had moved on so quickly, though deep down I realized that she had needed to, I knew that I'd never want anyone the way I wanted her.

Our eyes locked, breaths slowing as we stared at each other. I was intensely aware of her nearness to me, to the warmth radiating off of her leg next to mine. I shifted, drawn to touch her, letting my leg rest against hers fully. Just as I tilted my head down, she jumped up and started pacing in front of me.

_What the fuck just happened?_

She shook her head at me as she fidgeted with her hands and shifted uncomfortably. "Edward, I—"

"Wait. Please let me finish. I need you to understand this. I get why you had to move on—you thought I was gone. I want you to be happy, I really do. I bet you're a great mom, I always knew that you would be. I just, I always thought…"

"Edward."

Her lips pressed against mine, warm and sweet, effectively silencing me and making everything stop. Time, the noises filtering through the open windows, all of my incessant worrying—they meant nothing. She was standing over me, hands pressed onto the couch on either side of my head.

"Edward_, please_," she whispered.

Unsure of what I was thinking, I reached out my hand and circled my fingertips around her mouth, gently tracing over her lips, back and forth. The atmosphere in the room shifted back to the earlier intensity as my other hand found purchase on her hip. I slid the back of my fingers along the skin that was exposed between her top and her jeans, reveling in the silkiness of her skin. Leaning up to meet her lips, I simultaneously pulled her down into my lap and wrapped my hand around her neck. Her soft, thick hair felt like a lifeline, anchoring me to this moment.

We both groaned the second our mouths opened to each other, her tongue darting out and tangling with mine. I stopped stroking her hip and yanked her to me, pressing our bodies close together. She was straddling me, rolling her hips and just fucking grinding down on me—_hard_. My hips were involuntarily thrusting up to meet her as she shifted and moaned into my mouth.

She was breathing so hard, almost desperate, as our lips and tongues met again and again. Her hands shifted, moving from the back of the couch to my shoulders and then my chest. Grabbing a fistful of my shirt, she used her grip on it to push and pull her hips faster into mine.

It was all so familiar—her taste, her smell, the way her long hair fell in thick curtains around us and closed us off from the outside world. Her tiny body pressed into mine as she hovered over me, her neck at the perfect height for me to lick and suck and _taste_... I bit down gently on the soft skin behind her ear; her whimpered response reverberating through the space around us drove me crazy.

"Bella?" I asked, my voice low and gravelly, sounding almost foreign as she started undoing the buttons of my shirt, sending pinpricks of shocking warmth to my skin each time her fingers brushed against me. I needed her to tell me—to let me know that she wanted _this_, wanted _me_. As she pulled the shirt from me, logic flew out the window and desire took hold. I wanted her so fucking bad.

We were lips and teeth and just not close enough and shifting up and down and throbbing and _holy fuck, Bella, you have to stop this or I am going to lose it _right-the-fuck_ now._

I bit down as gently as I could on her earlobe, the fucking moaning she was cranking out not helping me keep it together at all. Everything was just unreal—and so fucking good. My dick was throbbing as she raked her hands through my hair, and I pulled her to me faster, needing her closer. When she pulled my head back to put her mouth on my throat, I almost came unglued as I noticed a light sheen of sweat covering her body. I wanted to taste her. _Fuck._

Letting my hands wander underneath the hem of her shirt, I slipped my fingers beneath the waistband of her jeans. The feel of her satin covered ass spurred me on, daring me to grasp the flesh underneath. The sounds—whispered breaths and fabric rustling—were making me fucking crazy. Her moans, her scent, her body moving over mine, the way our bodies were connecting…I didn't think I could stop if I tried. Nor did I want to.

"God, Edward."

Hearing my name from _this_ girl in _that_ voice ignited a primal urge in me. Heat was emanating from her and I couldn't stop myself. Every muscle in my body was tensing and my cock was fucking aching as our breathing grew louder. Growling into her neck and placing wet, open-mouthed kisses up the column of her throat, I grabbed her ass and pulled her closer, shifting her over me again and again. _Fuck._

"Jesus Christ, I want you," I whispered into her skin as she writhed above me and dug her nails deeper into my scalp. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself before I came in my pants like a fourteen year old. The air smelled like berries and Bella and lust, reminding me of how many times we had been like this. As I leaned forward and wrapped my lips around her pebbled nipple through the fabric of her shirt, she threw her head back and let out a sexy fucking moan. I grinned, knowing I hadn't forgotten all of the spots on her body that drove her fucking insane.

Running my hand from the back of her head, along her throat, and down the valley between her perfect tits, I dipped my head to suck on her collarbone. Her skin tasted just like I remembered. Her mouth was just like I remembered. Everything I was experiencing—her heat, her mouth, the sounds she was making, the way her hair felt on my bare arm—all of it felt exhilaratingly new yet recognizable at the same time. Moving her over my body was so right, so habitual. We'd done this a million times—on my parents couch or in the back of my fucking car, on her dad's recliner, just everywhere. We belonged together, just like this.

_More, I need more._

Shifting her fluidly over me with a new-found desperation, I watched with fascination as she started trembling. As she drug her nails down the back of my neck and bit her perfect lip, I groaned and increased my pace. Her deep, shuddering breaths told me she was close; I knew her body better than I knew my own, _still._ I craved feeling the connection that we had always had at that moment, too. Not just emotionally, but physically. I needed her to know that it was her, always her.

"Fuck, baby, please…" I didn't know what I was asking. Our motions were becoming more frenzied as we sought more friction. Her brow furrowed for a second, her grip tightening on me as she moved faster and faster. _So close. I need more._

I gripped onto her tighter as our movements become more desperate, more erratic. She leaned forward and sucked on my Adam's apple at the same moment I threw my head back. She always knew that shit got to me. _Fuck._

"Just, God, Edward, just don't…it's never been like this. Never. Oh, God… Only you. Always only with you."

_That's right, baby, only with me. _

_Wait. What? _

No._ Fuck no. _

Like a bucket of ice water, her words stopped me completely. Realization flooded my mind: the apartment, the unwillingness to let go but still moving on in spite of it. The questions that had been plaguing me every second of the past few days were answered, and I was sickened by my sudden clarity of the situation.

I would never forget the look on her face when I pushed her off of me, onto the couch.

_We aren't fucking doing this._

***BPOV***

One moment, I was panting and moaning and safe and _so close_ in Edward's arms. And it was perfect, and us, and what I'd been missing for too many years. The next, I was cold and alone on the couch.

Our bodies moving together as desire ran like fire through my veins, the way his mouth felt on me, his reverent whispers— He had been everything I had ever wanted, and he was _right there_ wanting me, too. It was too much and not enough at the same time.

Then he pushed me away and bolted into the kitchen. I sat for a few moments, wondering if I should go after him but afraid of what he would say when our eyes met again.

_He doesn't want me. _

As much as I knew I shouldn't want him, that what we were doing—no matter how right it felt—was wrong, I couldn't help but feel a pang of despondency at the prospect of his rejection. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

The sound of glass shattering followed by his low, "Goddamn it!" broke through my thoughts. Startled, I jumped up and made my way anxiously into the kitchen.

He was hunched over the sink, shaking his head back and forth.

"Edward?" I whispered tentatively.

He chuckled slightly, cold. "Bella, please just … give me a minute, okay? Just go in the other room and don't say anything to me. I need—just, _please_." His voice echoed out harshly and sterile in the kitchen that held so many warm, happy memories for us.

"Edward…" I knew I needed to apologize. He'd have to let me. "Please. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have put you in that position. I'm just so confused and… I love you. I'll never stop. I just don't know what to do."

With his back still turned, he held his hand up, gesturing for me to stop. Just as I was opening my mouth to continue, he threw another glass in the sink, causing shards of glass to fly up haphazardly. "Edward! Stop—"

He turned to face me, nostrils flared and fire blazing in his eyes. He ran his hand through his hair in aggravation. Aggravation toward me. The menacing expression on his face was too much—I couldn't catch my breath.

"No, Bella, you fucking stop this."

"What?" I didn't understand. Anxiously tangling my fingers together in front of me, I looked down at the floor, unable to meet his stare. He had never spoken to me this way, and I was both shocked and slightly scared of the anger that radiated from him.

"I swear to God, if something had really happened to me, like you thought it had, I would want you to move on…to be _happy_." He paused, clenching his jaw before he continued. "What you've done is not moving on. You go visit my apartment every month, you have lunch with my sister every week, and you talk to my mother on the phone every fucking day."

"Please. Don't do this," I begged.

"No. You have my daughter and fix your hair the way that I always liked it, and wear the same clothes that I loved to see you in."

He crossed the room, leaning against the granite. As if he were drawing strength from the counter-top, his demeanor was hard, cold and unemotional. Tears sprang to my eyes at the unfeeling, distant look in his eyes. "You didn't move on with your life, you just…replaced me. With that stupid fuck James. And now I'm home and you want it to go back to the way it was, but you aren't willing to do anything about it. You tell me that you never wanted him, not really. That you thought about me every day, that it's only me that makes you…" He trailed off, pure fury emanating from him. "You love me? What do you want me to say to that? How do you think that makes me feel? You've got a helluva way of showing it."

I felt it when I looked up and caught his gaze. This was it. He was leaving me, voluntarily this time.

"You replaced me. You didn't move on. You tried to remake our life with someone else. And I…" He shook his head and looked down at the floor. He drew a deep breath, like he was steeling himself for the words that were about to come.

I knew I wouldn't survive what he was about to say. Unlike him, I couldn't brace myself for the words I sensed coming. I wanted to assure him that it didn't have to be this way, but I couldn't.

His looked up at me, and I was trapped in his steely emerald gaze, unable to escape, unable to breathe.

My world came crashing down as he severed my heart in two.

"I think it is time for you to leave. Go home, Bella, just... Go home to your husband."


	9. Ch9: Where Do I Go

**Chapter Nine: Where Do I Go**

***BPOV***

It was just after eight when I pulled into Alice and Jasper's drive. I was appreciative of all the help Edward's family had given to me, always begging to spend time with Gracie, and never turning down the opportunity to watch her when I needed some time alone. This night was not one of those times. Though I knew my daughter was probably already sleeping, I couldn't bear the thought of being separated from her anymore.

Unable to process what had transpired between Edward and me less than an hour before, I needed her; I needed to hold my baby in my arms.

Slowly ambling up the sidewalk, I took a deep breath to calm my shaky nerves, and rang the doorbell. Standing there in the dark with my arms wrapped around myself, a slight chill ran up my spine as the last thing Edward said to me repeated over and over in my head. "_Go home, Bella. Go home to your husband." _ Before he'd even spoken the words out loud, I knew from the expression on his face and his hardened demeanor that what he was about to say to me would tear me in two.

I was right.

The porch lighted flickered on as the door opened silently, revealing Jasper standing before me with a sad expression on his face.

"Bella? What're you doing here?" he questioned.

"I'm here to pick up my child, you dork." I rolled my eyes playfully, trying to hide the torment I was going through. _How would I get through this?_

"Well, I... I thought little Gracie-Lou Who was sleeping over tonight," he joked back. We both knew his pseudo-jovial mood was forced. Casting a glance behind him, he stepped out onto the porch and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "Bella, I'm not supposed to be telling you this right now," he said in a conspiratorial whisper, "but Edward called."

My hand flew to my mouth as I tried to keep the tears at bay and not fall apart in front of him. Part of me wondered if Edward had explained what happened between us to his family. Hanging my head in shame, I worried that he _had_ in fact told them, and they thought less of me for my deplorable actions. _Oh God, what if he'd told everyone? _I wouldn't be able to look Carlisle and Esme in their faces ever again. Married people didn't go around acting like a wanton floozy like I had. I couldn't believe I'd been so…_whatever-I-had-been_.

I had to know what the family thought of me, so I muttered out, "What'd he say?"

"Just that you two got into an argument. I don't know the details; he spoke to Alice mostly." My cries were muffled into his shirt as he stepped closer and tightened his grip around me. "Do you wanna spend the night? You know you're always welcome, Bella."

"Thank you, but I just want to go home," I mumbled. I wasn't sure what that even meant anymore. My entire body ached to go back to my place of refuge—my apartment—but I'd handed that over to Edward and couldn't go back.

I felt completely lost. And alone.

After standing with Jasper for a few moments and allowing his comforting words to calm me, Alice came outside carrying my sleeping toddler.

"Oh, Bella," she murmured, not wanting to wake my daughter.

I shook my head at her, silently pleading with her not to start. _Not yet._ I held back the emotions that threatened to spill over as I reached out and took Gracie from her. Immediately feeling the familiar tranquility that only holding my child in my arms could bring, I leaned over to kiss Jasper and Alice on their cheeks and turned toward my car. As I buckled Gracie into her car seat, she mumbled "Beau" in her sleep. Smiling, I reached into her bag and pulled out her beloved stuffed elephant, Beauregard. After settling him with her in her seat, I turned and waved goodbye.

Sitting at the traffic light as I waited for it to turn green, I pressed my fingertips to my lips as my muddled thoughts and unbearable guilt for what I had done swirled around me. I had no right whatsoever to kiss Edward, much less throw myself at him like I had. I felt horrible for betraying my husband's trust as well as putting Edward in that situation. He was a better person than me.

They both were.

Forty minutes later, I drove into the garage of the empty house that I shared with my husband and turned the car off. With my key still in the ignition, I sat as the minutes ticked by, unable to get out. I felt like I was stuck in limbo, and I didn't think that I could get out of my car and go inside—alone. Almost every day for the past four years, I'd hoped and dreamed that Edward wasn't really gone, that this hell hadn't been real. How would I have known that my dreams coming true would turn into such a nightmare—the love of my life rejecting me and telling me that he didn't want me?

I'd never felt this way before, and I couldn't get a grip on reality. Rationally, I knew that I shouldn't want the same things anymore—dreams of what my past life _could have been_ were out of the question, but my heart betrayed logic, and now it was broken.

Glancing into the rearview mirror, I looked at Gracie, her delicate curls framing her face as she slumbered peacefully, oblivious to all of the chaos that was going on around her. She sighed and pulled Beauregard closer to her. Suddenly, a newfound determination swept over me as I remembered where she'd gotten that elephant.

I restarted my car and pulled out of the garage, anxious for my destination.

Throughout the long drive, details of my life flashed through my thoughts with perfect clarity: the moment I realized that I would spend the rest of my life with Edward, the first time I held my daughter in my arms, the day I signed the documents accepting the Trust. So many muddled thoughts swirled around as well: the first time I realized I didn't know who to call when the dryer stopped working, the first time I touched James, the first time Carlisle had to introduce me to a roomful of people as _just "_Bella", and not "my son's fiancée". Every moment of my life up until then had been somehow connected to Edward and his family.

Tears fell down my face as I became conscious of the fact that going forth, moving forward without him, was not something that I knew how to do. But I'd have to learn to live without him. What I couldn't seem to do the entire time he was gone, I would have to learn to do with him _here_.

I had to let Edward go.

Just before two a.m., I looked up at the dark house that loomed before me. Wondering if anyone would hear me knocking and what he had told them, I unbuckled Gracie and pulled her into my arms before walking up the steps and knocking cautiously on the large front door.

_She_ came into view as she silently opened the door. Her malevolent expression, appraising and judgmental, quickly softened as she looked at my daughter. She surprised me by reaching out and delicately running the back of her fingers along Gracie's perfect cheek before leaning up and kissing her forehead. Silently gesturing for me to enter, she ushered me inside with a firm hand on my lower back.

Trying to be as quiet as possible, I trudged up the stairs. His scent immediately battered my senses when I opened his door and slipped inside his room. I carefully set Gracie's bag down and shifted her to my other hip. His voice sliced through the heavy silence, startling me.

"Bella? Sweetheart, what's—is everything okay?"

Unable to speak, to explain the powerful emotions that were coursing through me and how much I _needed_ his arms around me, I nodded and walked over to his bed. James pulled back the covers and helped me climb in. Gracie immediately settled in close to him, and he reached over to me, pulling me toward him and wrapping his arms protectively around both of us.

Warmth. Comfort. Wanted.

"Shhh, it'll be okay," he breathed as he leaned forward, kissing my forehead and running his hand down my arm. All I could do was nod and hope that he was right.

**X-X-X-X-X**

The next morning, I awoke to tiny hands stroking my face and hushed whispers.

"Shhhh. Don't wake up Mommy. She needs to sleep, Emmy."

"Nuh uh, she needs pancakes." She giggled.

"Well, you know what? I think you're onto something." He laughed. "Why don't you go tell your grandmother?"

"Okay, Jamie," she stage whispered. She gave me a huge wet kiss before bounding out of the room.

Stretching and groaning slightly, I opened my eyes a peek to see James hovering over me. Pushing away my guilt for wishing that I'd awoken in a different bed, looking into a different man's eyes, I tipped my chin up so he could kiss me.

"Good morning, sweetheart. I can't tell you how happy it makes me that you're here," he muttered, running his nose along my jaw and softly kissing along my neck. I wanted to be able to lose myself in him, to look him in the eye and tell him that it was _him_ I wanted.

All I could give him in response was a smile. A determined look crossed his features before his eyes twinkled. Then slowly, _so slowly_, he pressed his lips to mine. His hands came up to frame my face as his tongue darted out to lick my bottom lip. He groaned when I opened my mouth to him, as if it was unexpected. Honestly, it probably was. Guilt poured through my veins as I laid in bed, kissing my husband.

_He tasted wrong. _

I was disgusted with myself. Ashamed for kissing Edward. Ashamed for kissing James. Ashamed for being here. Ashamed for wanting to be there.

Unable to get a grip on reality and not able to discern what was right and what was wrong anymore, I just went with it and allowed myself to feel wanted by this man who loved me. He wanted to make me happy. He wanted to be with me. And Edward didn't. My choice had been made for me.

Edward wouldn't be busting down the door to take me away from everything. He didn't want me—he'd made that perfectly clear. Though it was certainly going to be easier said than done, I knew it was time for me to finally let myself let _him_ go. I needed to stop comparing the two of them and focus on the person who had made me the center of his world for once. The one who wanted me.

So when he eased his tongue into my mouth, I let him. He was my husband and it made him happy, and Edward didn't want to kiss me. And when he palmed his hands over my breasts, I let him. He was my husband and it made him happy, and Edward didn't want to feel me pressed up against him. And when his fingertips slipped into my panties and brushed along my sensitive flesh, I let him. He was my husband and it made him happy, and Edward didn't want to touch me.

When I came, breathless and panting and pulling him closer, his face lit up with happiness as he kissed me again and again.

"How long are you staying, sweetheart?"

"I don't know. How long are _you_ staying? I didn't bring a bag with me, I just—needed you."

"Looks like I'm taking my girls shopping," he chuckled. "How about we go pick up a few things for you and take Emmy to the park? I was planning to stay a few more days, if that's alright with you?" I nodded and he continued. "We'll be back in plenty of time for the party, but I know Mom and Dad would love to spend some time with their granddaughter."

James was always so reverent when referring to anything to do with Gracie. He just…loved her so much. Even though his parents weren't crazy about me, they adored her. She loved them, too. It would be good for us to spend a few days recouping here as a family—away from everything and everyone.

"Okay," I said. "I'm gonna go shower."

**X-X-X-X-X**

Gracie's infectious laughter permeated the atmosphere around us as James pushed her higher and higher on the swing. Though she had a playground the size of Texas in our backyard, she loved going to the park. She always wanted to play with other kids and slide down the "big slide."

When she ran off toward the slide, James walked over to me, contentment etched in his handsome face. He sat down on the bench next to me and reached over to pull me into his lap. Noticing me fidgeting uncomfortably over him, he frowned slightly before taking a deep breath. "When are you going to tell her?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I thought…I thought we should tell her together. I don't want her to be confused. We'll tell her before we leave."

"What's your plan, Bella?" he let out, frustrated and rubbing his hands vigorously up and down my arms.

"I told you: I thought we'd stay here for a few days and let Gracie spend some time with your parents. And then we'll go home in time for Gracie's party. That's what…five days? We can stay five days." I sighed, happy for the escape from reality that being in Spokane with James would afford me.

He inhaled deeply and looked out, deep in thought as he watched Gracie playing with a little boy who had hair so blonde, it was white. I wondered if he was thinking about whether his own child would have platinum hair like he had as a child. I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed in his scent, manly and calming.

Kissing my temple, he sighed and tightened his hold on me. "Running away again, Bella?"

I shook my head, wanting to make him understand. How could I explain something to him that I didn't understand myself? "It's not like that. I just—I didn't want to be a— without you," I choked out and burrowed myself further into his embrace.

He let us sit like that for awhile before pulling back to look into my eyes. "Look, I don't know what you want me to say or do here." He paused, and raised his hand to trace along my bottom lip with his finger. "I'm gonna be upfront with you, sweetheart. I want you; I've always wanted you. I don't want to give up on us, but you're gonna have to meet me at least some of the way. Not even _halfway_, Bella, just a little bit. That's all I'm asking."

I blinked back the tears that welled up in my eyes. I didn't deserve him. "I'm trying, I really am," I whispered.

"Are you?" he asked, sounding aggravated. His gaze went from mine, back out to check on Gracie, and then back to me. "I want to believe you, I do. I know it's hard for you, but you are my _wife_. I swear to you, I want to be thoughtful of your feelings, but I need you to consider mine, too." He hesitated, wrapping his arms around me again. After a few moments, he pulled back and tilted my face up to brush his lips against mine. He searched my face for a moment before closing his eyes, steeling himself to ask, "Bella, I'm not going to have the strength to do this again. You have to be honest with me right now. I need to know—what do you want?"

Stuttering in surprise at his candor, I answered him as honestly as I could. "I don't know. I feel like I'm in limbo. I don't know how to deal with this, James. I know you love me…"

"I don't want to be your obligation."

"You're not." Taking his hand and threading our fingers together, my voice wavered as I said, "I— I want _you_."

Relief crossed his face for a brief moment before something I couldn't identify settled there. Was it resolve? The next words he spoke shattered my already broken heart into a million pieces. "Then I don't want you to see him anymore."

"I can't," I gasped and shook my head in protest. "Please don't ask me to do that!"

"Then what, Bella? You say you want me, that you're going to stay with me? But what assurances do I have?" he groaned out in irritation. "You say you feel like you're in limbo. Think about how I feel."

What could I do? How could I convince him not to leave me, too? "What can I do to sh— show you?"

He seemed thoughtful for a moment as he dipped his head down and softly kissed the side of my neck. "Renew our vows. Move forward with our life. Show me, Bella, show _everyone_ that you're mine—that you are choosing to be with _me_."

"I won't do that. It was too soon when you asked me before." Shaking my head sadly, I looked into his eyes, trying to make him understand that this was just _too much_. "Now, you just want me to do that to stake your claim on me or something."

"You are mine," he growled out, startling me. "Damn it, Bella, I know he's your past, and believe me, I get that this is hard for everyone, but—"

"There has to be a compromise," I interrupted, trying to think of anything that I could live with and that would appease him. "A party? We'll have a party to celebrate our anniversary on the fourth of July." I grabbed the sides of his face, pulling him toward me and begging him to acquiesce to this concession. "You can invite all of Seattle if you want."

"Everyone?"

"Yes."

"Will you consider counseling? You need to see someone. Maybe we should, the three of us, together."

"No. Not yet." Although I knew I probably needed to speak to someone professionally, I also knew that I wasn't ready to try again.

"What about Emmy? Are you going to let her call hi—"

Just then, Gracie bounded up into our laps, flinging her arms around his neck and kissing him on the nose.

"Were you watchin' me, Jamie?" She beamed as he nodded at her and smoothed her wild curls back from her face. "You'll stay right here and watch me—the whole time?"

"Always, baby," he said.

He loved her so much. He was so good with her, always taking care of her and treating her like the center of his universe. It never seemed to matter to him that he wasn't actually her father; he couldn't have loved her more. Every decision he made was with her best interests at heart. He wanted her to be happy and feel safe and loved. He wanted that for me, too. I just wouldn't let him.

In that moment, I realized that part of what Edward had said to me was right—I had never given James a real chance to be anything to me other than a replacement. The expression on my husband's face as he looked at my daughter with total reverence and outright_ awe_ sealed my resolve to try to make things work with him.

It was time I grew up; time to let childhood fantasies of first love lasting forever go. Life _wasn't_ a fairytale. It was what we made it, and I'd do well to accept that and move forward on the path I had taken.

Gracie adored James, and I owed it to her to not turn her life upside down because I couldn't accept my reality. Spending time with Edward would be different for her, but she was used to visiting with everyone in all three of our families. Though it would be awkward and something I never in my entire life thought that I would experience, I knew that we could all be adults and make this as easy on _her_ as possible.

Above all, I owed it to my husband, too.

Always going out of his way to do sweet and thoughtful things for me, James showed me that I was his priority every day. It wasn't out of the ordinary for him to bring me flowers just because, and there had been more than one occasion that he'd come home from work to watch over Gracie, allowing me to relax in a long bath. Though I didn't feel the necessity to spend endless amounts of time at a spa or a salon, he encouraged me to take time for myself and get a massage or a facial. Never asking for anything in return, he took care of me.

When she skipped over to her new-found friend again and James had turned his attention back to me, I answered him. "He's her father. Of course I'm going to let him get to know her." There was a sadness in his expression that I'd never seen before. "But James," I continued, "we both know that no one will ever replace you." I leaned up to kiss him. "Ever."

"I love her, more than anything. Both of you." As a brisk breeze blew by, he caught one of my curls around his finger before looking at me, into me. "I'll never let you go, Bella."

"I know."


	10. Ch10: I Wait Without You

**AN: This one's for Red.**

* * *

**Chapter Ten: I Wait Without You**

***EPOV***

"Damn it."

Annoyed, I ran my hand through my hair and tugged in frustration as I glanced out the window. The path I was wearing on the living room floor with my incessant pacing was getting me no closer to what I wanted.

_Where the fuck was she?_

It had been four days since I told Bella to leave. Four days of stewing in indignation and shame, and unanswered calls going straight to voice mail. Four days of leaving her messages, begging her to let me explain and allow me to finally meet my daughter. Four days of asking my family to tell me where she was or how I could find her. Four days of fucking torture.

I couldn't believe I'd done that—I felt like such an ass for sending her away the way I had. But the way she was just _using_ me to make herself feel better about the whole situation had pissed me off. Try as I might to control the rage that flowed through my veins, causing me to bite and snap at everyone who came within a two block vicinity of me, I just—_couldn't_.

Honestly, what the fuck was wrong with everyone? Were they really all that surprised that I was upset about the completely messed up situation with Bella? Was it normal for her to be gone and for no one to know where she was?

The day after she left, I'd called her to apologize and talk about setting up a time that I could meet Gracie. She didn't answer. Figuring that I might do the same thing if she had kicked me out of _our_ apartment and told me to go to someone else, I decided to give her a little space and time to figure her shit out. I only called twice that day: once when I'd woken up and had calmed down enough and once before I went to sleep.

I knew what I'd done was almost inexcusable—I'd never spoken to her so with so much disdain, ever. But what did she expect? Did she think I'd say that I was fine with us almost fucking on our old couch in our old apartment when she had some other guy's ring on her finger and a different last name attached to hers?

No. Fuck no.

The day after that, I'd tried again. Still no answer. I started to worry that maybe something had happened to her, so I called my sister to see if she had talked to her. No such luck. A little worried when she didn't respond to any of my previous calls, I'd called her four times that day.

The next day, I was at my wits end and called my mother to see if she knew anything. She had the nerve to tell me that Bella had talked to _Emmett_ and was fine. I was aggravated. Emmett? Really? She could call my fucking brother but couldn't be bothered to return a phone call to the father of her child? I upped my calls that day, calling her eight times before I decided to take action.

Looking around the pictures she'd left behind in our apartment, full of happy memories that felt like they were from another lifetime, I knew I just needed to see her—to try to explain that I didn't know what else to do. That I wanted to figure shit out, but _fuck, _she had to figure it out _with me_. She had to understand that I made a mistake sending her away. I was just a man, and I made mistakes, but in the past we'd always gotten past them.

Frustrated enough to Google her address, I had just picked up my keys to head over to her place when there was a knock at my door.

Emmett. And Jasper.

Opening the door just enough to peek my face through, I told them that I was on my way out and wasn't really in the mood for company. Not surprisingly, Emmett pushed his way through, followed by a sympathetic-faced Jasper.

"Dude, where do you think you're going?"

_Is he for real? Like, seriously for real?_ Anger ignited through my system, causing me to clench my fists at my side as I hissed, "Em, I don't know what the fuck you're on, man, but I'm a grown-up. I don't need your permission to leave my fucking apartment."

"You're headed to Bella's," Jasper stated.

Shifting my glare from Emmett, I looked at Jasper, slack-jawed. "What? How did you-?"

Emmett answered for him. "We talked to Mom. I knew it was only a matter of time before you did something incredibly stupid, like heading over to Bremner's house and accosting his fucking wife, man. What the hell are you thinking?"

Trudging into the living room, I sat on the couch and groaned in frustration. "I don't know. She won't answer my calls. I just—wait. What'd she tell you? And why the fuck was she talking to you instead of me?"

Emmett shook his head condescendingly. "I'm the _only _one she's talked to, man, which is fucked up on so many levels. Why don't you ask _yourself_ that question? Why didn't she talk to you?"

It was a valid question, even if I was unable to figure out the answer. I knew I'd been a total asshole to her and was sure that setting a timer to call her every two hours was maybe going a bit overboard, but _shit_—she should have at least picked up the phone to let me know she was alright. There was no excuse for her not talking to me, and regardless of what my brother thought I was getting to the bottom of it.

"I don't need this shit from you. I'm going over there and ask her myself."

"She's not there."

That got my attention. "What? Where is she? I swear to God, if you don't tell me, I'm going to-"

"Whoa. You're going to what?" he interrupted. "Slow down dude. I'm on your side, E. I told you shit wasn't going to be easy. I_ told_ you she needed time. I want to know what the fuck happened that made her go to Spokane for the rest of the _week_."

The relief that I felt at knowing she hadn't told Emmett what an ass I'd been was short-lived as I realized that she'd done exactly what I told her to do—she went to him. At his parents' house. Spokane's that fucker's hometown.

How could we be in this totally fucked up situation? How could she keep me from my daughter? How could she run away? How could she just—_leave_ like that? How could she go to him?

Clenching my hands into tight fists at my sides to keep from punching something, I was _so_ angry—and just _devastated_. It was irrational, but I just didn't understand how this could have happened. How could she go to him? Did he make her feel better? Of course he did, she was _his wife_. Knowing that I had the answers to those questions plagued me. No matter how many times I let them play over and over in my head, there was only one answer—because I told her to.

What would I do if she thought I really meant it? It appeared that she did—she left with him. But she had to know—Bella knew me. She had to know I didn't really want to be apart from her, no matter what I said.

I wondered if James had called and asked her to come or if she'd gone on her own. Either way, I couldn't handle thinking about them together, what she said to him when she got there, what they were doing right then.

_What have I done?_

Remembering where that fucker's parents lived in Spokane, I had every intention of driving there and demanding to see her, but Emmett and Jasper stopped me. I tried to explain to the dumbfucks that anyone with half a brain could see that Bella and I belonged together. I didn't understand how anyone could question that. Sure, I knew shit was complicated, but—I just didn't know what else to do.

I wanted to punch that cool-as-ice motherfucker Jasper in the throat when he had the audacity to ask me, "Edward, have you told Bella how you feel?"

_What?_ Why the fuck did I need to tell her? She _knew_.

I would give anything to run my fingers through her hair, to touch her lips, to hold her again. I would do anything for her. She knew that, didn't she? Bella and I had meaningless arguments before, every couple did. I recognized that this was so much more than one of our stupid tiffs from the past, but the underlying feelings were still there, were still the same. We loved each other, always had and always would. We had to work this shit out.

Just as I was about to open my mouth to tell him that some things just didn't need to be explained, my phone rang. Hopeful that Bella was _finally_ returning my call, I felt like even more of an asshole when I glanced at the caller ID and realized that it was Tanya.

Understandably, she was upset that I hadn't called her. _Was everyone out to get me on this day?_ I told her about Gracie and could barely bring myself to tell her about the situation with Bella. She begged me to come back to Alaska or to at least let her come down to Seattle to be with me. After assuring her that was certainly not needed at the moment, I hung up and turned to see the look of confusion on Emmett's and Jasper's stupid faces.

"It wasn't like that," I muttered, shaking my head at their questioning looks. "She was like my best friend."

"Uh, that's not what it sounded like from here, dude," Emmett stated.

Shaking my head, I explained to them that though she wanted more, it had never been like _that_ with us. "I just didn't know why I couldn't." I shrugged, hardly able to comprehend my inability to further my relationship with Tanya when Bella could so easily give it up to fucking Bremner. I just didn't know what could have led her to that decision. It was the hardest part of this whole situation for me.

How could Bella tell me every day that she loved me—only me—and could never be with anyone else? I got that everyone thought that I was dead, but she remembered our lives together and everything we had. There's no way the girl I knew and loved for almost my entire life could move on, even if she'd wanted to. Either she was lying about the way she felt about Bremner, or she'd lied to me all that time. I had to believe it was the former.

Just the idea that our entire existence together might have been a lie was enough to bring me to my knees. I tried to fight off the sickening feeling that threatened to overtake me and gain the composure that I needed to be able to finish the conversation with Emmett and Jasper. I realized that if Bella and I didn't work our shit out, there was no way I'd survive it. I doubted that I'd even want to.

After talking to them for awhile longer, I finally saw reason that it wouldn't do me any good to head over there and kick Bremner's ass. It wouldn't get us anywhere. She would still be married to him and I would be in jail for assault. So I decided that I could be patient and wait. I was always waiting for that girl. I hoped the time would allow me to figure out what in the hell we were going to do and how we were going to fix this.

Three more days, that was all. Bella would be back in Seattle at the end of the week. I could last three more days.

Then I'd meet my daughter.

**X-X-X-X-X**

The rest of the week had passed at a torturously slow pace. I'd left Bella a few more messages, begging her to forgive me and talk to me, but she never returned any of my calls. The day of Gracie's third birthday approached and it had been decided—and relayed back to me via my fuckhead brother—that I'd meet my daughter then.

We agreed that it'd be best if we met on a day that was a happy day for Gracie, in case she was overwhelmed. Of course it would be overwhelming for a three-year-old to meet a guy she thought was dead, but I hoped to make it as un-awkward as possible. Did little kids even understand death?

I didn't know what Gracie thought. Simply put, I had zero experience with any of this—we weren't around kids except when we were kids ourselves. Gracie was the first grandchild for my parents as well as the first niece for my brother and sister. All I did know is that I desperately wanted her to like me. I wanted her to want to be my daughter—I wanted to be her _dad_, not just her father. I wanted everything to be like it would've been if I hadn't gotten on that stupid plane and literally fucked up everything.

_Is it too late for that?_

Pacing around my parents' family room, I'd been waiting for them to show up for what felt like forever. My heart stopped when I heard her tinkling voice break the silence of the room. "Nana!" followed by my mother's indulgent laugh.

Time stood still when they walked through the door. I couldn't breathe as they ambled over to me. My daughter was amazing, with perfect curls the color of mine pulled back into a bow and bright green eyes that lit up her face. She had dimples and creamy white skin. Her tiny hand was clutching tightly to her mother's—she was anxious, but smiling. I had never seen anything so beautiful. She looked like an angel.

Sinking to my knees in front of them, I decided to follow Bella's lead on our introduction.

"Gracie," she said softly, as my daughter assessed me with a curious, surprised expression. "I'd like you to meet someone."

Nodding to let her know it was okay, I slipped down further, kneeling in front of her. "Hi," I murmured.

Gracie looked up at her mother then looked me in the eye. She cocked her head to the side before reaching out and brushing her soft fingers across my face. "Hi," she whispered sweetly, looking up with wide eyes at Bella. She clutched on to her calves and pressed her face into the back of her mother's legs.

"Edward," Bella whispered to me, "she just needs a little time. She knows all about you, don't you Gracie?" She peered down at her, at _my_ daughter, and shook her legs a little bit to get her attention.

Wanting to wrap my arms around Bella in gratitude, all I could think about was my need to thank her. It seemed imperative that I showed her how much I appreciated what she'd gone through, how grateful I was for her being strong enough to create and raise the perfect creature standing right behind her. I started to get up but quickly realized my legs wouldn't hold me.

I was dumbfounded.

Worried that I might scare her, I blinked back the tears that welled in my eyes.

"Mama." Gracie motioned for Bella to lean down to her so she could whisper in her ear.

I couldn't hear what she said to her as Bella leaned over, causing her hair to cascade down around them like a mahogany curtain. Her tiny fingers grasped the ends of Bella's hair, reminding me of how I used to feel shielded and protected from the outside world with her shiny brown locks wrapped around _us_.

Bella's giggle brought me out of my musings. She brushed her hair aside to look at me, still bending down. "Gracie would like to know if it's okay if she talks to you for a little bit, Edward." She looked at me with a sheepish grin.

I could hardly contain myself.

"She can talk to me all she wants." I smiled at her. "It's so nice to finally meet you, sweetheart."

"I know who you are. You're my d-" she trailed off, holding her hand out to brush her fingertips across my cheek and eyebrows. I leaned forward into her touch and felt a tingly current that would have knocked me to my knees if I hadn't been there already.

She paused for a second and I saw the flicker of some emotion across her innocent face before she gave me the most delightful smile ever, showing off her perfect little teeth. "D'you know my name?"

Nodding at her, I responded, "Y-yes. Emma-Grace Anne Cu-" I faltered and looked up at Bella, who was nodding her head. Though I wasn't sure how these things worked, the affirmation that my child had my last name caused pride to course through my system, warming me. I quickly set my gaze back on the beautiful girl in front of me. "Cullen…Emma-Grace Anne Cullen."

She beamed at me. "That's right! And I know your name, too. You are Edwerd Anfronee Cullen. We gots the same 'nitials." She was so proud of that fact. It stunned me.

Glancing up at Bella again, I was dumbstruck that this two-year-old— _No,_ I told myself, _she's_ _almost three_—three-year-old child would know my name and be so resolute in it.

Bella didn't meet my gaze as she continued to peer down at Gracie. Finally she whispered, "She knows a lot about you, Edward. How could she not? It isn't as if you were a secret."

Gracie reached up and held her mother's hand as if she were comforting her, her gaze still on locked on mine.

"I know you name's Edwerd, but I don't know what do _I_ call you." I smiled at the way she jumbled up her words. She paused for a minute, and her little bottom lip poked out as she glanced around the room, looking for someone. In an instant, realization crashed over me—she was looking for James.

A foreign sense of gratitude for Bremner swept over me. Shockingly, I was thankful to him for taking care of my family. I was also seething with jealousy. _It should have been me_. It took every bit of restraint I had not to scoop them both up into my arms and run away with them.

I held my hand out to her, which she tentatively grabbed one of my fingers with her small hand. "Gracie, you can call me whatever you want." I paused and ducked my head down so she would look me in the eye again. "I'm just so happy to finally get to meet you today. You're just _so_ beautiful." I paused, trying to think of a way to reassure her. "I know that you have Jamie, baby, I would never take him away from you."

Once again, my eyes started to fill with tears as her green eyes pierced mine. I didn't know how Bella did it all this time—looking at her was like looking in a mirror to the past. It must have been terrible, yet wonderful at the same time. To have this perfect person in her life, but be constantly reminded of what she had lost.

In that moment, I realized that I had been wrong to begrudge her moving on with James. She had endured so much—she deserved to find happiness after all that time. She'd wanted to give our child a complete and secure family. It was just another sacrifice she'd made for me. I would never understand how she did it, because I knew I never could, but I did understand that she _needed_ it.

Gracie was looking at her hand wrapped around my finger, then up at Bella. She seemed calm, almost relieved somehow.

"Did you know today's my berfday?" she whispered to me, trying to contain her excitement.

"Yes, baby, I did. I did know that."

"We having a princess party at my house later. Auntie," she paused, taking a deep breath, "you know, that's your sister, she bought me a swimmin' suit with sparkles on it. She had it made just only for me! And Uncle Jazzper's gettin' me a big pink truck and we're going to paint my toenails ec-zactly the same color as my hat so everything's co-ordinaded."

I could tell that this child was my sister's niece. The way she lit up, talking about the party and clothes. I was so thankful that my family had remained close to Bella and to our daughter.

She continued, "You know it's a swimmin' party and even my Paw-Paw's gonna be there today. He took off from bein' a please-man to come here for my party. Didchoo know my Paw-Paw, too?"

"Charlie?" I murmured to Bella to be sure I knew who Gracie was talking about.

Bella nodded, and I reached up to brush away the tears that had spilled down her cheeks with the pad of my thumb. She shook her head when she realized that I was going to ask her about Charlie. As she leaned into my palm, I felt the familiar electric spark tingling through my body. I wanted to pull her down to me and hold her _so bad_. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she wanted me, too.

"Yes, of course I know your Paw-Paw," I laughed at Gracie. "Your Paw-Paw and I go waayy back."

She giggled at me. "My Paw-Paw likes to fish. He doesn't go to golf with Grandpa."

Bella chuckled, apparently at a memory of Charlie golfing with Carlisle.

"You know what, Gracie? I went to golf with your Grandpa and your Paw-Paw one day. And guess who else was there? Your Uncle Jasper and your Uncle Emmett. And…your…your… Jamie too." I trailed off, feeling sad for myself at the memory of what I'd lost, but happy for my little girl standing here and that I could offer her that.

"You did that? My Paw-Paw went with you to golf? Why?" she asked, placing her hand on her little hip. "He _hates_ it. Whenever he says anything about golf, my mama cries. Because she knows that he don't like it."

Bella was shaking her head at me, silently begging me not to question it. I remembered the last time I'd been golfing with Charlie. It was the week before I left and all of us guys went golfing together, knowing we wouldn't get another chance to go before the wedding.

Reaching out and taking Bella's hand in mine, I squeezed it gently and gave her a small smile. I really wanted to hold her in my arms, but this was the most I could do to comfort her.

"You know, Gracie," I said, smiling at her beautiful face. "I'm sorry that I went golfing that day. I wish that I never would have gone anywhere, or done anything that would make your mama cry."

I hoped that the apology I was making to our daughter was enough to let Bella know that I was sorry for the way things had gone the last time we'd seen each other. I wanted her to know that I felt awful for the way I'd treated her. I needed to tell her that I wished I could take back every mean and hurtful thing I'd ever said and done—including getting on that plane and ruining our lives.

Gracie looked at me so sweetly. "It's okay, D-" she looked up at Bella again before continuing, "you here now." How could such a simple statement from such a little girl mean so much?

She gently stroked my face before breaking out into the most glorious smile I'd ever seen. Then, a thought seemed to hit her and she shuffled back toward Bella, suddenly shy. "Do you wanna come today? D'you wanna come to my party?"

I nodded my head at her, trying to repress the gamut of emotions I was feeling. "Yes, if you want me there, and if it's okay with your mom. Baby, I would love to come to your party."

She jumped up and down and clapped her fingers together, looking oddly like my sister in that moment. She squealed, "It's my party, I getta invite whoever I want!" She quickly leaned toward me and kissed me on the cheek, jolting me. "You wanna know the best part?" I nodded. "We'll have cupcakes, too!"

She started to run off, but turned to look back at me and Bella. It was then that I noticed we were still holding hands. Bella quickly jerked her hand from mine and my body actually ached from the loss of contact.

"I'll see you at my party later! Oh, can you bring me a puppy?" Gracie giggled, then ran off.

Smiling, I grabbed Bella's hand again and pulled her down toward me. Before she could protest, I wrapped my arms around her. "Thank you, Bella," I murmured into her hair. "God, _just thank you_ so much. Thank you for being a mother to my daughter. I'm _so sorry_ that I missed it all, that I missed you and our baby…" I choked up on the words as I held her tighter to me.

She sighed, seeming to relax after a moment. I just rocked us a little bit, sitting there on the floor of my parents' family room. Emmett walked in and opened his mouth to say something, but after taking a glance at us, he shook his head and walked out the door.

Running my hands down Bella's arms, I inhaled her scent again. I couldn't get close enough to her. I missed her so much. All the time that we had been apart, I knew I was missing something. The unknown had stayed with me constantly, tormenting me with memories I hadn't been able to unlock. But this moment—this limbo of being right here, right now and unable to have what I wanted—was the worst kind of torture. It was painful.

She squeezed her arms around me and took a deep breath before pressing her hands to my chest, indicating that I should let her get up. Her gaze met mine and for a brief moment, her eyes flickered to my lips.

Taking a deep breath, I resolved right then that we were going to figure things out. Yes, I knew she was married, but fuck, it'd been Bella and me our whole lives. Didn't that mean anything? It meant everything to me, and I wasn't going to stop until either I had her in my arms to hold forever or she told me outright that she didn't want me.

Maybe I had been going about everything the wrong way. My self-centered, brooding behavior wasn't reminding her of our past. If anything, it was pushing her away. I needed to show her, to remind her how it used to be with us. What it had _always_ been like with us.

Just as I was about to pull her to me and do something, anything—maybe kiss some sense into her, Gracie bounded back into the room. "Mama, we gotta go!" She ran over and grabbed Bella's hand and started pulling her toward the door. Bella looked back at me with what looked like longing on her face.

I felt it, too-like my whole world was being pulled from me.

"I- We'll see you later, at the party?" she questioned.

I nodded and called out to her to be safe, as she turned around and walked out the door.

I needed a plan.


	11. Ch11: I Thought that I Was Strong

**Chapter 11: I Thought That I Was Strong**

***BPOV***

"Mama! You listenin'?"

Gracie's high pitched giggle from the backseat, along with the sudden vibration of my phone in my pocket—_again_, roused me from my thoughts. I wasn't sure of how many of _his_ calls I'd disregarded over the last few days. Though I was completely aware that I had to talk to him at some point, and soon, I just couldn't yet.

While I felt bad for ignoring him, I was just too upset to deal with this in a rational, calm manner. My daughter's well-being was on the line—we couldn't afford to screw this up any more than we had already.

My heart couldn't take listening to him try to explain to me what had happened with us at our apartment, and why he'd pushed me away. I already knew the reasoning behind his actions: he didn't want me, he couldn't forgive me for James, and things were never going to be the same way that they used to be with us.

I'd been over this in my head a million times already. From a rational stand point, I knew that being with Edward was no longer an option, and I needed to wrap my head around that fact. I'd made a choice when I'd decided to let go and move on with James, and no matter how much I might have wished I could change go back in time and change that, I c_ouldn't_.

The early morning sunlight blurred through the trees as we cruised down the interstate. The long trip reminded me of what it had been like in my junior year, when my mother had made the choice that she didn't want a life with my father anymore. The devastation and betrayal I'd felt... Even now, I couldn't put into words what that had made me feel.

After serving nearly twenty years on the Seattle police force, Charlie had transferred, moving back to his small hometown and taking over as the Chief of Police in Forks. It was a drastic change in both of our lives—where I had previously spent time every day with my father, he currently lived almost four hours away.

Carlisle and Esme had been friends with my parents for as long as I could remember and knew that I didn't want to be away from everyone, especially Edward, on the weekends that I'd go visit my dad. They'd let Edward or Alice go with me as often as possible, and even Emmett tagged along a few times. Carlisle went as far as to take off an entire summer from the hospital , heading to Forks to help get a small community clinic started. They would never understand how much it meant to me that the entire Cullen family uprooted all of their lives to spend that summer in Forks.

Though it had been magical and Edward and I fell in love more than ever that summer, it still wasn't the same. I would have given anything for my mom and dad to have been in the same place—together and happy. While it was true that Edward was technically Gracie's father and she had been told all about him, James had been one of the most important people in her life up to this point.

He was who she ran to when she wanted to show off her artwork or share her latest ideas. It was James she sought when she was hurt or needed anything. Gracie deserved to have a stable life, and though that life should have been shared with Edward and me as a couple, that's not how it was, or how it ever could be. She didn't deserve to be separated from one of the people who meant the most to her.

"Maaamaaaa," she sang, breaking me out of my thoughts again.

James gave her a quiet chuckle before reaching over and grabbing my hand. His touch felt comforting and _almost normal_. Even though our relationship had started out with both of us vulnerable, I really did love him—but _could it ever be enough_? It almost seemed unfair to him to go on the way we were living, but he'd insisted over and over again that he wanted me and was willing to wait however long it took. I wondered if he really meant that, and if he knew that I probably would never be able to love him the same way he loved me.

"Emmy Bear, give your mama a break. She's got a lot on her mind. I'm sure she's trying to think about what to get the birthday girl today."

She clapped, bouncing in her seat and giggling happily. "Can I get a puppy?"

"No!" we both exclaimed at the same time. James would surely give in to her and let her get a baby tiger if that's what she really wanted, but I'd put my foot down. A 2-year-old had no concept of taking care of anything, much less a puppy, and it would be me who would have to do all of the work. While I wouldn't have minded letting her have an animal if she were older, it wasn't an ideal situation at the moment.

"What about Jacob?" I asked her. He might get jealous."

"Mama," she sassed, narrowing her eyes at me. "Fishes don't get jeawouls. Jacob knows I looove him the mostest." She looked thoughtful for a moment before starting in on the familiar argument for why she should get a puppy. "Jamie, if I hada leetle puppy, I could put a dress on it. And it would be my bestest fwend, and Jamie, I wouldn't let him jump on Auntie, you know? She wouldn't like that. My puppy would be the bestest puppy in da whole wide wor-wuld."

Tuning the puppy conversation out, I thought about what would transpire later that day: my daughter would meet her father. I'd spoken to Emmett earlier in the week, telling him my plans to return just in time for her party. I thought that it would be better for Gracie to wait until then. That way if she felt overwhelmed or if there was just too much going on for her 3-year-old mind, she'd have everything else that was happening at the party to distract her. She'd also have all of her family around her to make her feel safe and secure. Emmett argued with me, saying that it would be too overwhelming for _both_ of them to meet at her party.

Conceding to his astute reasoning, I decided that they could meet early in the day and then have the party later that evening. I couldn't believe that day was finally here.

James released my hand as he pulled into our driveway. "Sweetheart, are you alright?" he asked me softly. The silence in the car as he waited for my response caused my head to turn and I anxiously glanced at Gracie, who was sleeping in her car seat.

"Yeah, I'm fine. You know, I just…have a lot on my mind."

"I know," he stated. "Bella, you know, you don't have to do this today."

Shaking my head, I bit down on my lip and stared out the window. "Yes I do." Thinking back to our conversation at the park, I remembered how he held me after I told him that I wanted to be with him. He was so happy, yet there was the underlying anxiety that I wasn't being truthful and that he was about to lose everything.

I _wanted _to want him, couldn't he see that?

"I'm gonna bring the baby inside, why don't you go take a nap, too?" he murmured, worriedly looking over at me.

"Yeah, that's a good idea." I thought for a moment and reached out, stroking his jaw with my fingertips. "You know, why don't you just bring her to bed with us? All of us could use some rest."

A wide grin lit up his features as he agreed with me, lifting Gracie carefully from her carseat. He shifted her so he could grasp onto my hand as he led us into the house.

**x-x-x-x-x**

Watching Edward meet our daughter for the first time had to be one of the most beautiful things I'd ever witnessed. It had been everything I wanted—she seemed instantly captivated by him, and he was already wrapped around her little fingers. I'd been worried that they wouldn't get along or that she would feel shy around him. Although she was timid at first, I guessed all the times we'd talked about him and all the pictures she'd seen allowed her to feel like he was safe, familiar.

I thought back to the way he smiled when I leaned down over Gracie, letting my hair fall around us. I couldn't help but remember how much Edward loved for my hair to cascade around us, and I'd wondered if he was thinking of that right then, too.

The shift in the atmosphere had been palpable, almost tangible. There was no doubt in my mind, even though it was the first time they'd seen each other, that they would have a solid, wonderful relationship.

When Gracie raced out of the room and Edward pulled me down into his arms, I'd never felt as whole, _or as hopeful_. Though I had no right to feel that way, I couldn't deny the electric shocks caused by his warm hands running up and down my arms, the completeness I felt as he wrapped his arms around me, or the emotions that coursed through me as he thanked me—actually _thanked_ me—for going through the best thing that had ever happened to me.

I wanted to tell him that it was okay when he apologized for missing it, for missing out on her, over and over again, but I couldn't. No words that I could say would make it better for him or give him back the time he'd missed. There was no reason to apologize—it wasn't as if he he'd left and missed out on our daughter's life on purpose. All I could do was encourage their relationship and help them be close.

Over the next few days, it was obvious that he wanted to be with her and be a good father. He'd even insisted on talking to her via webcam for a few minutes each day that he wasn't able to see her in person. Truth be told, it was really, really sweet, and it was easy for anyone to see that Edward's burgeoning relationship with his daughter was good for him. It was good for her as well. I watched day by day as she got a little more comfortable with him, and began to truly show him more of her personality.

It was as if meeting her had mellowed him somewhat. He seemed so_, so_ angry before with everything: our crazy situation, James, and me especially. Though I couldn't pinpoint exactly what had changed for him, something definitely had.

On the day of her birthday party, Gracie literally squealed when he showed up at the house I shared with James, arms full of presents and about fifty balloons. Our eyes met across the room as he grinned at me and shrugged his shoulders. Edward apparently wanted to spoil our daughter, to try and make up for all the lost time he'd missed.

He deserved that. They both did.

The party had gone off without a hitch, despite my apprehension. I was worried about James and Edward seeing each other after everything that had happened with us. They had been roommates in college, and had played on the all-star football team all four years of high school before that. James had been devastated when Edward went missing—I could only imagine the gamut of emotions he was feeling about having his best friend back, but not being able to enjoy him.

Pretty much the same way I was feeling.

Their meeting had been tense to say the least, and I held my breath while the entire family looked on. Finally, after a few stressed moments, James stuck out his hand and clasped it around Edward's, pulling him slightly closer and giving him one of those awkward man-hugs.

His voice was quiet, but I still heard it from a few feet away. "Edward, I know you don't believe this, but I _am_ glad to see you, man. Welcome back." It was heartfelt and made me proud to be standing beside him. No matter what, he cast his fears and anxiety aside for the time being to let his friend know he'd missed him.

Edward nodded his head and said, "Thanks, man." His gaze raked James over for a second or two before he took a deep breath and rubbed his hand down his face and through his hair. I gasped when he continued, "Thank you for... taking care of her, of _them_."

My father chose that moment to make his appearance, breaking the anxiety-filled moment as he clapped them both on the shoulders and said, "Good to see you boys gettin' along. Where's our girl?"

Everyone laughed after that (even though it was forced for some) and went on to the celebration of my daughter's life. She flitted easily between James and Edward and everyone else, until Jasper walked in towing a huge pink Escalade ride-on truck behind him. Edward's face fell as Gracie ran into the room squealing for "her Jamie" to "come and see," but he quickly recovered and plastered a genuine-looking smile on his face as he watched them inspect her present.

I wanted to go to him, to tell him not to worry about it. He was going to be such a big part of her life, and, while I knew that he wanted to be past this getting-to-know-you phase of their interactions, James was a part of her life as well. And she was used to James. Still, Edward's pain hurt me, too. It always had.

Alice got to him first. I watched them, glad Edward had someone to confide his worries in before turning my attention back to my daughter.

After that, the only interaction any of us had with Gracie was her waving to us as she drove by on her tricked out truck.

My dad went back home the next day, even though I begged him to stay. I couldn't get the conversation I'd had with him before he left out of my mind.

"_Baby, you know you aren't doing anyone any favors. You don't owe either one of them anything."_

"_I know I don't, Dad. It's not…"_

"_Look, Bells, I know you. You feel obligated. Obligated to Edward because of your past. Obligated to James because of your marriage. The only person you're obligated to is _yourself_."_

"_What about Gracie?" I barely whispered._

_He looked at me for a long moment before leaning over and wrapping his arms around me. "Oh, Bella. Don't you know? If you are miserable on the inside, there's nothing you can do on the outside to make it right. Sooner or later, that girl of yours will figure it out. You owe it to yourself to be happy. She's three. She'll be happy no matter what."_

He didn't understand that I couldn't be happy, not any more. Even if I could change things, James would never be able to understand why I'd never really be able to let go of my past with Edward, and Edward would never understand why I had to try to move on and have a future with James. I just didn't know who I was as _Bella_. My priority was, and would always be, being Gracie's mom. But other than that, my only identity was wrapped up in either being Edward's past or James' future, and I couldn't be both.

I felt overwhelmed. And lost.

We sat and talked for a little while longer before he had to go. He couldn't take off work to stay with us, so we agreed to try to go visit him in Forks sooner rather than later. Gracie scrunched up her nose at him and shook her head when he told her he'd take her "fishin'." She was totally a girly girl and wouldn't get within a hundred yards of a worm if she could help it, and he knew that—he just liked trying to get her riled up.

James had an important case that caused him to be out of town for a few days, and, though he'd practically begged for us to go with him, I thought the time alone would be good for Gracie. She was so dependent on James, and I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't let go and enjoy spending time with her father.

Edward and I decided that he should start off seeing Gracie with other people around. It wasn't because I didn't trust him with our daughter—I did, but I wasn't sure how she'd react. Or how _he'd_ react for that matter. Edward hadn't been around many kids that I knew of.

Not knowing what his life had been like in Alaska bothered me. I used to know everything about him, but he was practically a stranger to me now. I couldn't get used to that feeling, and that bothered me, too.

Rosalie came over for lunch one afternoon. Gracie and I had plans to have dinner over at Edward's, so naturally she was grilling me. She'd gotten particularly snide when I asked her what he'd said about me.

"Really, Bella? We're going _there_? We're not in high school anymore."

"I know that, Rose. I just wanted to know—how is he, really? I'm only around him with Gracie, so I can't really tell…" I trailed off.

She tutted and shook her head in exasperation. "How do you _think_ he is? He's a mess. He looks like hell." She narrowed her eyes at me as I winced in response to her tirade. "What do you want me to say—that he's fine with what you're putting him through? Shit, Bella, we're grown-ups now. I'm tired of everyone pussyfooting their way around you, girl. What the fuck are you gonna do to fix this?"

Gasping, I spluttered, unable to answer her. What could I say? Fix it? DIdn't she know that there was no fixing it? Hadn't Edward told her that he didn't want that anyway? "Rosalie, come on. What do you even mean?"

"You used to be so smart. You never got over him. Who gives a fuck that you're with James? What is that, really? It's just ink and paper." She waved her hand dismissively. "You need to leave this sham behind, take your daughter, and go the fuck home."

"I can't do that," I pled with her. "Besides the fact that Edward doesn't even want me anymore, I couldn't just leave James. What about Gr-"

Just then, Gracie came bounding into the room, interrupting me. "Aunt Rosaweee!" she trilled, flinging her arms around her aunt. She held onto her for a moment and ran her chubby fingers along Rosalie's perfect hair. "Soo pwetty," she murmured before turning to me and asking, "Mama, where we goin'?"

"You know where we're going. We're going to our apartment, uh…" I stammered when Rosalie's sharp gaze caught mine. "We're going to have dinner with your father at _his_ apartment," I emphasized.

Gracie looked at me, confused. "But Aunt Rosawee said you leavin'," she questioned, furrowing her brow. "You leavin' Jamie."

Giving Rosalie a heated glance, I looked at Gracie and reassured her, "No baby, you know Jamie will be home tomorrow." I didn't need her to worry herself over such a grown-up matter, and I certainly didn't want her to repeat what she _thought _she heard to James. It would only upset both of them.

She clapped and started telling Rosalie what we were making James as a welcome home dinner the following night. Quirking my brow, I mouthed, "_See?_" at Rosalie, hoping to demonstrate the most important reason that I couldn't leave. She just rolled her eyes at me as she listened intently to her niece.

Just before we got up to leave, Rosalie placed her hand on my arm. "Bella," she said as her talon-like nails gripped me, "I know you've wished you could go back and change what happened. Don't do this, please. You've got the chance to do what you've dreamed of doing every single day for almost the last four years. Take it back. Fix it. You're the only one who can."

**x-x-x-x-x**

"Why we knockin'? It's my 'partnement," Gracie huffed, placing her hand on her hip as she shifted the bag of fruit she was holding.

"Because, Sweetie Pie, like I told you, your daddy lives here now. We can't just barge in," I tried to explain just as Edward wrenched the door open. His hair was messy, as if he'd just run his hands through the wet strands, and he smelled like soap and steam. A pang of nostalgia curled in my heart, making me smile softly.

"Sorry to make you wait, ladies." He gave me an apologetic glance as he reached down, lifting Gracie up to allow her to throw her arms around his neck and leaning over to kiss my cheek. "You look beautiful, Bella," he murmured. Grabbing my hand, he led us into the apartment and sat Gracie down so he could step back out into the hallway and pick up the bags of groceries we'd brought over. "You know, you could have just come in. You don't have to wait for me to answer the door to _our _apartment."

Rolling my eyes at him, I thought about how it would've felt to just walk in a few minutes before—when he was clearly just getting out of the shower. Though he'd already told me he hadn't _been_ with anyone while he was gone, I couldn't help but wonder what exactly that meant. How many other women had he kissed, touched, showered with? Admonishing myself for my inner musings, I stated, "Edward, come on. I don't live here anymore, and you deserve your privacy."

His small smile was not very comforting as I pushed the thoughts of him needing privacy away from my mind. No matter how much I knew I didn't deserve the possessive feelings I had, thinking of him with someone else was enough to make me physically ill.

_Get a grip._

The easy domesticity was not lost on me as we moved into the kitchen and started preparing dinner together. If Gracie hadn't have been there, it would've been like old times, the way we moved around each other: fingertips occasionally grazing, standing close enough to feel the heat radiating from each other's skin, his arms lifting as he spun around me effortlessly. With our daughter in the mix, however, there was a new aspect—it was like we were in a bubble of what _would have been._ My breath caught in my throat and I gripped the counter in front of me when he pressed up against me slightly, reaching up to grab a dish above my head.

She giggled when Edward got flour on his nose, and he looked at me, eyes glassy and full of emotion as she explained that we needed the "good dishes" whenever we were eating chicken Florentine. "'Cuz it's princess food, Daddy," she stated, not even missing a beat as she "gave" him his new title.

A dazzling smile stretched across his face as he bent down to rub his nose against hers. Standing up and leaning into me, he watched her scamper off to set the table before whispering, "My God, she's amazing, baby," before walking away to help her and leaving me temporarily stunned.

The food was delicious, the company even better, and I enjoyed myself despite the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this wasn't my life, and I didn't deserve to get to live it—even if only for a few moments.

After dinner, Gracie tugged us into the living room and climbed into Edward's lap. She wanted to show him her baby album, and he looked on with intense fascination as she recalled the stories she'd heard a thousand times about her birth. He grabbed my hand when she showed her his father's signature on her birth certificate, attesting to her paternity so Edward could be listed on her birth certificate. He threaded his fingers through mine and gripped my hand tighter as she showed him pictures of her first bath and taking her first steps. His fingertips gently traced over the bronze curl that was stored safely beside the picture of her first haircut.

Not for the first time in the past few days, I wished fervently that the accident had never happened, and that Edward had gotten to experience all of the "firsts" right along with me. Pictures in a memory book were better than nothing, but I still felt bad that he'd never gotten to see her walk the first time, or heard her first word, which had been "da-da."

When Gracie was satisfied that she had shown him "everything important" and had told him all the stories she could remember hearing, she decided it was time for a movie. She clapped and kissed him on the nose when he said he actually wanted to watch "The Little Mermaid."

Heading into the kitchen, I quickly finished up the dinner dishes and made my way back out to the living room with a huge bowl of popcorn. Taking in the sight of my daughter peacefully resting on Edward's chest, it all seemed so _natural_, so normal—like it was an everyday occurrence. I could feel it in my bones as his eyes met mine, his gaze silently imploring me to join them, when she noticed me and called me over.

"Sit wif us, Mama."

I started to sit on the chair beside the couch when Edward reached out and grabbed my hand, shifting over on the couch so I could get in behind them. He furrowed his brow at me when he sensed my hesitation. "Come on, Bella, she wants you _with us_."

Shaking my head, my voice was barely above a whisper, I said, "I don't want to give her the wrong impression."

"What impression would that be?" His eyes danced as a slight smile played across his face. "That her parents can watch a movie together?"

Gracie leaned up on his chest slightly and put her little hands on his face. "She can come," she said simply, as if my acquiescence was never in question. He nodded at her and looked at me, waiting for me to move over to them.

I did.

Immediately, I regretted it as the warmth of his arm and this moment and the family that I'd never have enveloped me. I didn't get up, though. I just rested my head on Edward's shoulder and rubbed my daughter's back as we watched "The Little Mermaid"—like a family.

It wasn't long before Gracie fell asleep. "We should get going," I whispered as Edward brought his arm around me and held me to him.

"Bella, I…" He paused. "Stay. You don't have to leave yet. The movie's not even over yet."

"You've seen it. And Gracie's not even awake to see it."

"I'm not asking you to…Bella, I'm not asking for anything else here. Just stay. Don't go yet. Finish the movie."

Unable to believe that he couldn't feel my heart practically pounding out of my chest, I looked away from his gaze and laid my head back down on him. If he wanted to pretend for a little while that we were a normal family, then I'd let him. There was a time that I would have given up everything I had just to breathe in the same air as him. I wanted to pretend for a little while, too.

Becoming lost in my thoughts, I felt so content yet so conflicted all at once. It was like I couldn't even tell which way was up. The movie played on, and though I knew it by heart at this point, I couldn't have told anyone what happened on the screen if they'd asked. The return of the sweet, carefree Edward that had grown up with me and always been there for me was certainly welcome, but his fast shift in attitude was confusing the hell out of me. So instead of thinking about it, I closed my eyes and relished the feeling of his strong arms wrapped around us.

The bright blue screen illuminating the room alerted me to the fact that the movie had ended. Lifting up slightly, I peeked at Gracie and watched with rapt fascination as her body moved rhythmically up and down, following the pattern of Edward's breathing. They looked so alike—similarly shaped-lips opened the same amount, nutmeg-colored hair curling around each other, dark lashes lining the lids that covered identical eyes. Stifling back a yawn, I started to get up as Edward's arm instinctively tightened around me.

Just a moment, I told myself. I just wanted to pretend for just a moment longer. So I stayed still and closed my eyes again.

**x-x-x-x-x**

Without opening my eyes, I woke up feeling the weight of Edward's arm pressing down on my abdomen. His scent assaulted me as I took a deep, refreshing breath. He was here— we had spent the night together on the couch in our apartment. My apartment, I mean, his apartment. This was too much for a sleepy brain to deal with, especially before I'd even had a cup of coffee...

Taking stock of my surroundings without opening my eyes, I heard Gracie's voice drifting through the hall. Straining to make out what she was saying, I realized that she was up and singing her "potty song."

As we slept, he had scooted down on the couch and rested his face on my stomach, wrapping his arms tightly around me. My shirt had ridden up over my hips, exposing my stomach. My hand lazily massaged his scalp as I unconsciously ran my fingers through his hair.

It felt so natural to be like this.

He inhaled deeply, leaving a wake of gooseflesh across my stomach with his slow exhale. Remaining as still as possible, I allowed myself to remain _here_ in this moment with _him_ as long as possible. His long eyelashes fluttered against my skin and his breaths quickened slightly, alerting me to his awakened state.

As I felt him glance up to my face, the stubble of his chin was rough and ignited something deep inside me that had lain dormant for so long. He traced his fingers across my jaw and down my throat before sweeping them across my collarbones. _He always did love touching me there_.

Another deep breath. More of his scent. Oh _God_, I didn't want to move from this spot. I wondered what was going through his mind in that moment.

The pads of his fingertips ghosted across the flesh of my lower abdomen, pausing at my navel before traveling down further and stopping just above the waistband of my cutoff shorts. I couldn't _believe_ he was touching me like this.

Just as I was about to say something, to ask him what this meant, to try to figure out what we were doing, I heard him murmuring against my skin.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered as he trailed his fingers across my stomach and caressed the few stretch marks that I had near my hips. "You were always beautiful, but _now_…" he paused before lightly brushing his nose across my sensitive skin.

Keeping constant contact with me, he continued to murmur reverently to me, almost like a prayer. "Thank you. Thank you, body, for growing my baby. Thank you, breasts, for feeding her. I am so sorry I missed everything—that I wasn't here to take care of you."

Willing myself not to allow the tears that had formed behind my eyelids to fall, I tried to remain as still as possible. I wanted to give him this moment of unfiltered candor. As he continued his devotions, he ran his hand down my outer thigh and ghosted along my calf before lightly circling my ankle with his warm hand. "I should have been there to rub you, feet. I am so, _so_ sorry."

As he continued to whisper words to my body that I could no longer decipher, I realized that couldn't take the overwhelming emotion of this moment anymore. He was _sorry_? _I_ was sorry.

But there was nothing that either of us could do to fix it.

I was married, and he couldn't forgive me.

Wanting to comfort him so badly, I realized that I didn't know how. I wanted him to comfort me, too, but I didn't know how he could do that, either. We couldn't be together. We couldn't be apart. We were trapped, and there was no way out. I didn't even know what that _meant_ anymore.

My life had been turned completely upside down, and I was so utterly confused about what the right thing to do in this situation was. One thing that I _did_ know was that I had to stop his sweet, loving caresses before Gracie came back into the room. Stifling back a yawn and stretching, I alerted him to my impending awakening. His breath hitched slightly with a small gasp as he removed his hands from me before reclining beside me again. I opened my eyes to his controlled smile.

Just as I opened my mouth to speak, Gracie came bounding into the room, curls bouncing and talking a mile a minute. "Mama, we gotta go! Get up, come onnnn!"

Laughing a bit at her energy, I was thankful that she didn't seem to care that I was lying on the couch with Edward.

"Where's the fire, dollface?" Edward asked her.

"Edweerd," she said, leaning over me to place her hands on his cheeks and looking at him intently. "My mama and me gotsa go home. My Jamie—he's been gone four whole days, but he comes back today. And my mama said we're gonna make him his favwet food. D'ya know what it is?"

He stared at her, his expression stricken. "No, sweetheart. I can't say that I do."

She leaned back, clapping her hands and bouncing. "Chicken Corded Blooooo," she sang out.

Edward smiled at her and chuckled. "Wow, Gracie, I had no idea you were truly a chef," he announced enthusiastically. "I love Chicken Cordon Blue." He avoided looking at me as he continued, "and I'm sure Jam- James will love it."

"You could come too, Edwerd," Gracie whispered. "My Jamie said you useta be best fweends. He'd want you to have his favwets, too."

Edward glanced at me for a moment, his grief over the time he had lost with his daughter, the time another man had been able to slip in and give what he should have mirroring my own. He shook his head. "No, baby, I don't think James would want me to. How about I come another time?" he asked when he saw the pout starting to form on her little lips.

"'Kay," she agreed, hopping down and running toward her room. Halfway there, she turned and looked at both of us, a curious glint in her eyes before walking back over to the couch. "You know, I wish you could live wif me and my mama, Edwerd." She stroked his face with her tiny fingers as she looked at him, seemingly trying to sort out some sort of solution for us.

If only it were that easy.

"I've got it!" she beamed. "I'll just tell my Jamie. He'll let you come stay at my house."

Shaking my head, I forced a giggle to keep myself from crying. "No, baby, I don't think that'll work."

"Yes, it will. Jamie loves me and gives me what-eh-ver I want. Oh, 'cept a puppy," she said, pouting as she crossed her arms over her chest. "He said I'm his pwincess, he just wants me to be happy."

"That's right, Gracie. James just wants you to be happy, but I don't think-"

Gracie cut him off, her mind already made up. "Yeah, you just wait and see. Imma ask him tonight. When he's eatin' his favwet thing, I'll tell him you comin'. He'll be happy too, because you his best fweend."

Edward maneuvered out from behind us, stepping over the picture books on the floor. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead and murmured, "I would give anything, Gracie, so that I could be with you always." He looked at me, his intense gaze making me want to kiss him and run away from him at the same time. "Anything."


	12. Ch12: See How Deep the Bullet Lies

**AN: This chapter is dedicated to MaggieMay, who unknowingly provided the inspiration for the blast to the past.**

* * *

**Chapter 12: See How Deep the Bullet Lies**

***EPOV***

Even though I practically had to beg her to stay, it was totally worth it.

Looking down at my daughter's sleeping form reminded me that this was exactly what I'd always envisioned doing with my life. Watching movies, holding my kid, right there with the love of my life—Bella—next to me. If someone were to peek in our windows, they might actually believe that we were the picture perfect family that we appeared to be.

_So why aren't we? _I knew that there had to be a way for us to get back to where we were before everything went wrong. We were meant to be—we just had to get our shit together.

We fell asleep, all of us, and I woke up to Bella wrapped around me on the couch. She stretched slightly, revealing her flat stomach and a few stretch marks near her hip. Stretch marks caused by _my child_ growing inside her. Hearing my daughter singing from her room, I couldn't resist the temptation to touch Bella, to feel her skin beneath my fingertips and to thank her for giving me the best thing that had ever happened to me.

Her eyes popped open a few moments later when Gracie ran in the room, reminding us that _the fucker_ was returning that day. Though it crushed me that she was so excited about it, I smiled and told her that I wished I could be with them, too. I meant it.

Right after breakfast, my chest tightened as they walked out the door, to go to _him_. Again. I didn't know how much more I could take. The whole situation was so incredibly fucked up.

A few days later, I was pacing in front of the door, anxiously waiting for Bella to get to our apartment. My daughter had spent the morning with my parents, and Bella and I were planning to have lunch together before heading over for dinner with the family. It was another thing that I figured we'd do around this time in our lives, and it amazed me how things seemed to fall into place so perfectly when it was just the three of us. Even when there was no name or face for the girl in my dreams, the life I'd imagined with Bella never left my thoughts, and so it was a little ironic that I could remember with almost picture-perfect clarity the night I was down on one knee and she was mine for life.

"_I'm so proud of you," she beamed._

_It was early in my second year of law school, and we were walking back to my apartment after dinner, snuggling against the cold under a huge red umbrella. It had started to rain, and we probably should've gotten a cab, but it wasn't too bad, and she didn't seem to mind. Besides, I couldn't wait another minute to ask her. Grasping her hand tightly in mine, I stopped walking and pulled her to me, taking a deep, steeling breath. "I got you something."_

_Her eyes widened and her skin flushed. Reaching out and playfully pushing me backward, she shook her head and laughed. "Edward! You shouldn't have done that. You're the one who made law review—I should've gotten _you_ something."_

_Pulling her back to me, I held her head in my palms and wound my fingers into her hair before leaning down and pressing my lips to hers. "Oh baby, you'll be giving me something very soon," I murmured suggestively as I looked into her big, brown eyes before brushing my lips across hers and pulling her tighter to me._

_She giggled. "Oh really?"_

"_Come on, Bella, you know you've never been able to resist this," I said, chuckling as she smiled widely back at me. _

It was time.

_Feeling around in my pocket, I pretended that I couldn't find her gift. "Baby, I don't know what I did with your present. I hope I didn't leave it back at the café," I said. Dropping to the ground in mock-frustration, I knelt down in front of her to look through my bag. "Ugh, I'm sure I put it in here earlier."_

"_Edward Cullen. You didn't get me a present at all did you?" She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, causing the umbrella to shift and tiny raindrops to fall on my head. _

_Shaking my head at her, I continued to rummage around in my bag and said, "Make up your mind, girl. First, you tell me not to get you a present, then you fuss at me for _not _getting you something. Which is it?" I laughed and wrapped my arm around the back of her knees, pulling her closer to me._

"_Nuh uh. I never said I didn't want a present," she giggled. "I said you _shouldn't_ have gotten me one." She paused and quirked her brow at me as she held her hand out in front of her. "Now give it to me."_

"_Yes ma'am," I replied, placing a white rectangular box, tied with a small red ribbon, in her hand. _

_She took it and leaned down to kiss me, whispering, "Thank you."_

_As soon as she started to untie the ribbon on the box, I started unbuttoning my shirt._

"_What're you… what're you doing? I know you said you'd be getting a 'present' from me later, but, baby, it won't, we can't—we're _outside_," she sputtered and looked around frantically._

"_Just open the box, Bella."_

_She gasped and then burst out laughing when she opened the box and pulled out a black Sharpie marker. "_This?_ This is my present, Edward?"_

"_There's a bit more to it than just a mere marker, beautiful girl," I said as I finished unbuttoning my shirt. "The minute I found out I made law review, I could _feel_ it, Bella. My future's secure now. But, you know, I'm nothing without you. I don't want a life that doesn't have you in it. In my heart. When I got the letter, it was official—_I'm in_. Now I want you in, too."_

"_You want me to go to law school with you?" she questioned. "It's a little late for that, I think." She laughed and ran her hand through my hair._

"_No, baby. I don't want you to go to law school," I sighed. "I want it—us—to be official. I want _proof_."_

"_Edward," she shook her head, confused. "There couldn't be more proof of us if I wrote 'Property of Edward Cullen' on my—on my…oh my god! I'm not—you don't want me to..."_

_Reaching up and pulling her to me, I kissed her and grabbed her hand. "Baby, no. I want you _on_ me. Right here," I gestured to my chest, just over my heart. "Write it. Write your name on my heart, Bella."_

_Laughing, she pushed the shirt back and signed her name right where I asked her to. Taking a small step back, she admired her handiwork before placing a kiss on my nose, eyelids, and finally my lips. "What'm I gonna do with you?"_

_Looking down at my chest, I saw she had written exactly what I expected—her name with a loopy heart at the end. "Wait. Color in the heart with the red marker, baby."_

"_There was no red marker. Just this black one."_

_I grinned, and told her it must have fallen into my bag. "Just wait a second. I want the heart, too," I whispered and reached into my bag again. "Oh, here it is."_

_Her hands flew up to her face, the umbrella discarded beside us. Her whole body trembled as she looked at the small box in my hand. _

"_Bella," I said, my voice quiet and reverent as I looked up at her. "Isabella Marie Swan, I've loved you my whole life. I meant what I said—I don't want a life that doesn't orbit around you. You're my best friend, my _everything_. I don't need you to write my name on your beautiful face. Just wear my ring, and say you'll be mine forever. Please, Bella. Will you marry me?"_

_Triumph coursed through my veins as she leapt into my arms and kissed me, saying, "Yes! Yes, Edward, I'll always be yours." _

"_Always," I promised, pressing my forehead to hers. We were so happy, so blissed out, that we barely noticed the applause and well-wishes from the crowd that had gathered around us. _

The soft tapping on the door brought me from my memories. She blushed when I opened the door and reached out to pull her to me, wrapping her in my arms. Remembrances of the past still floated through my head, and I dropped a kiss into the crown of her hair. She shifted closer to me, seeming to settle for a moment, before she straightened and moved back. She held up a bag.

"Hungry?"

My mouth started to water as I realized she was carrying a bag from one of our favorite nearby Thai places. Taking her hand and threading my fingers through hers, I led us over to the table and began unpacking the cartons of food.

As we started to eat, she mentioned some big party that the fucker wanted to have. "Ja_—_ He, um, every year _we_," she stuttered. She grimaced, and then proceeded to try and invite me to a sick excuse for a Fourth of July party for the two of them. Emmett had already warned me about it, telling me that it was actually their anniversary.

I wasn't having that. We weren't talking about anything involving _him _on the night that I got her all to myself.

"Bella, I don't want you to think I'm being disrespectful to you here, but baby," I murmured as I placed my hand on her chest, feeling her heartbeat pounding beneath my palm, "I don't want to hear about him. I don't want to talk about him tonight."

Tears filled her eyes as she nodded.

Shaking my head, anxiety washed over me as I thought our time alone together would be ruined by that fucker. It was bad enough that he already lived the life that was supposed to be mine; did he have to poison the few valuable moments that I was allowed with her? I had to fix it, to keep her here with me. "I'm trying, Bella. I really am. It's true that I don't understand it, but I guess _he's_ the one that makes you happy," I trailed off, not wanting confirmation from her.

"He's good to me," she said softly, "and to Gracie."

"I know," I murmured, sadness filling my heart and making me feel like I was drowning. What else could I say? I wasn't giving up, though. Still not knowing exactly what I could do to fix the fucked up situation we were in, I knew that blowing up at her or getting upset for the choices that she'd made was only going to push her away. It was just a matter of time before she came to her senses and remembered that we belonged together, and I would just have to keep showing her that I wasn't going anywhere, _ever again_. Time was the only thing I had on my side at this point.

Attempting to steer the conversation to a safer topic, I told her about running in to her old friend, Tia, at Toys 'R Us a few days before when I was shopping for Gracie. She said that she had heard I was "back" and had been meaning to visit. That led to us reminiscing about our friends from school as Bella filled me in on what everyone had been up to. Pretty much what I expected them all to be doing—some together, some divorced, some with kids, some alone. It was only _us_ that hadn't turned out the way I expected, and I didn't understand that. Out of all of us, I knew that we'd be the ones to "make it."

In spite of a few awkward silences that sometimes pressed down like a blanket, most of the afternoon was like old times. We both knew that we would have to talk eventually, to figure everything out, but it was enough to just _be_ with her for a little while. It was easy, and as the evening progressed, it just felt _right_. The blush on her cheeks that would result from me mentioning things that were once private jokes between the two of us let me know that she could feel it, too.

While cleaning up the kitchen after lunch, things felt so natural and almost back to us. Bella sprayed me with the hose from the sink, and I grabbed her and pulled her to me, shaking my head and wetting her in the process. Her shrieks of laughter filled the room when I held her tighter as she half-heartedly tried to wrench herself from my grasp.

And that's when I could feel it—the shift in the room that went from playful laughter to something more palpable. It was like we were magnets—we _couldn't_ stay away from each other. As if all of the stars aligned, I couldn't help myself as I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers.

She stilled. At first I thought she was going to pull away. But she couldn't, and neither could I. For a moment, I fucking forgot _why_ I was supposed to stop. The pull that we had always had was still there. My god, I could feel the electricity pulsing through her small body, just like it always had. It was like we were headed _home_.

Slowly, agonizingly slowly, I moved my lips against hers. She moved her arms, hands trailing up to my shoulders. So fucking slow. She finally rested her hands at the base of my neck as she tilted her head and sighed faintly.

Holding the base of her neck with one of my hands, I trailed my other hand down her shoulder, down her arm, around to her back. She inhaled sharply and pressed more firmly to me as I pressed my hand into the small of her back and forced her lips open with my own.

Hands gripping my hair, tongue sweeping into my mouth, body arching into mine—I could feel her melting into me as I deepened our kiss. It was like I could feel a pulse around us, a heartbeat, something bigger than the two of us spurring me on. To be with her, to claim her. To claim _this_.

I pressed my fingers lightly into her flesh at the base of her throat, feeling her pulse with my fingers—the steady rise of her chest under my palm grounding me and giving me strength. Slowly I moved my hand down to her body, the small moan that left her lips as I grazed her nipple my undoing. Bella's grip on my hair tightened, her lips and teeth and tongue rougher, more desperate as she pulled me down further to her, seeming to want to be closer. She wasn't close enough—we couldn't get close enough.

_What the fuck are we doing?_

"Bella," I croaked out, moving my hands to cup her face. I looked directly into her deep brown eyes, searching for the answers that I so desperately needed, more in this moment than seemingly in any other. "Wait. Tell me…this… Tell me you…You feel it too?"

She silenced me by pressing her lips to mine again, this time with much more fervor. We were working in tandem now. She began to unbutton my sopping wet shirt at the same time I started pulling on the hem of hers. She got mine off, straining upward at the exact moment that I bent my knees, grabbing her ass and lifting her up. She trembled as her long legs wrapped around my waist, whether from the cold of the shirt or the heat of the moment, I wasn't sure. I didn't think about it as I walked us out of the kitchen, headed toward our room. My room. _Whatever_.

She was all over me—kissing my neck and biting down on the flesh just behind my ear. It was so familiar yet…different somehow. Her attentions became more passionate when I kicked the door shut as I entered my bedroom. She was almost writhing against me as we fell onto the bed, and I worried that I had crushed her since I landed slightly on top of her.

She scrambled out from under me and up on her knees, wild-eyed and beautiful in front of me. She pulled her shirt over her hair, causing me to groan as she reached behind her to undo the clasp of her dark blue bra. Her hair curled down around her shoulders, and I couldn't keep my hands off her fucking body. She wasn't wasting any time as she reached out and pulled my hands toward her, pressing my palms to cup her breasts.

Instinct took over as I started to touch her, circling my thumbs around her pebbled nipples. Wanting to taste every inch of her, I trailed my tongue from the base of her neck, up toward her chin. I couldn't get enough. She threw her head back, allowing me better access. I kissed along her jaw, to her ear, grazing her lobe before running my nose back along her jaw and sucking her bottom lip into my mouth.

I pushed back slightly and gently lowered her to the bed. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and it was matched by her thunderous heartbeat. Entwining our fingers together, I could feel the passion, the need to just…_consume_ her.

"You're precious to me. Everything about you." I kissed along the column of her neck, down to the base of her throat. I wanted to convey the way I felt about her by worshipping her. "You always were my world, but now—Bella, you're so much more. These hands held my baby. These fingertips stroked her skin. These arms held her and rocked her to sleep."

Running my nose along her arm, I pressed my lips into her skin as she trembled below me. "Precious," I murmured as I reached up and massaged her scalp with my fingers. "This head worries about her," I whispered, trailing my hands along her body to touch each part as I named it. "This heart pumped life into her. These breasts fed her. My god, you're so precious. This body grew her, these bones gave her strength." My hands ghosted along her legs and circled her ankles as I continued murmuring, "These perfect legs walked the floor with her every night. These feet paced. Precious."

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she whispered, "Stop. Please stop."

Her words hit me like a bucket of ice water. She was right. We had to stop. No matter how much I wanted her, how much I knew we were supposed to be together, it couldn't be like this. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she became that kind of woman. And I couldn't live with myself if I was the one that made her that way.

Sitting up, I noticed her confused expression. She shook her head and reached up for me again, pulling me to her and kissing me deeply.

"That's not what I meant. Please, Edward, please don't stop this—I want you. I just can't, you can't say stuff like that to me. You don't know how long I have waited, how long I have wanted to be right here with you, in this moment," she said, panting as she kissed my neck. "Oh god, Edward, please. I just…I just want you. Just you. You're all I've ever wanted."

The words were like heaven and hell to me. I froze at the realization that while she may have wished that she had been with me all this time, the fact of the matter was that she had been with someone else.

Her husband.

I bolted upright and shook my head, trying to clear some of the Bella-induced haze. Bella's eyes filled with tears as she watched me shut down.

"Bella, I can't do this with you." I ran my hands through my hair and down my face. "_You_ can't do this."

A myriad of emotions crossed her face as she jumped off the bed and grabbed her shirt and shoes in one fell swoop and headed toward the bedroom door.

Just as she reached it, I sprinted off the bed, slamming my hand against the door in an effort to keep her from leaving. We needed to talk. Why was she running away? I couldn't let her walk out. Not before we had settled this, once and for all. If she walked out that door, I knew I would lose her forever.

"Baby, please talk to me. Don't go," I begged. "We need to talk about this." Couldn't she see that this was our chance to make things right? Didn't she know that I wanted her, but wasn't willing to risk her integrity? She had to listen to me.

"Edward, please. Just get out of my way," she said, pulling on the door. Swatting at my hand, she tried to push me out of her way. "There is nothing to talk about. You have made it clear that you don't want me, so move," she sobbed, covering her face with one hand as she held her shoes in the other.

Didn't want her? Was she fucking crazy? "Damn it, Bella. Stop talking nonsense. You're not going anywhere until we talk about this—about what's going on here. You're _married _for fucksake," I roared. She flinched back and wrapped her arms around herself as I slammed my fist into the door.

I couldn't believe I'd done that. I felt like I was losing control as I fought to get a grip on my emotions.

Shaking her head, she whispered, "No." I could see her resolve as she looked at me, her expression fiery. "You listen to me, Edward Cullen. Get. Out. Of. My. Way," she spat at me, more venomous than I'd ever seen her before. Something flashed across her features—a brief spasm of sadness, followed by a look of resolve. "Right the fuck now. Move." She pushed my arm again, this time much harder. "As you so eloquently put it, I am _married_. And my husband is probably wondering where I am."

With that, she grasped the doorknob tightly and actually shoved me as she pulled the door open and practically flew from the room. She was down the hall and out the door before I could even grab my shirt. By the time I made it to the elevators, the doors were closing.

Running down the stairs, I knew that I had to get to her before she left the building—before I couldn't fix this, _before it was over_.

Still with no shirt on, I had just leapt off of the bottom step and out into the lobby when I caught sight of her. My chest was heaving as I sprinted after her, around the corner, toward the front doors. I didn't know where she was going—her car was in the parking garage, and she was headed the wrong way.

Looking to my right and left, I searched the street for her until I caught sight of her retreating form. Taking off in pursuit, I screamed her name, hoping to halt her.

As I reached her, she turned and looked at me, wide-eyed. Her shoes were still in her hand and her shirt was on inside out. She was clearly shaken and still sobbing. She quickly turned and started to run again.

No matter how hard I ran, I couldn't catch up with her. "Bella, please!" I choked. Sure that everyone passing us on the street must be thinking I was a raving lunatic, I kept on pleading with her to stop and talk to me. She slowed and turned to look at me, a look of defeat in her eyes. She raised her hand in an effort to hail a cab.

Catching up to her just as the yellow car sped to the curb of the sidewalk, I stood in front of her, chest heaving and tears pricking my eyes. Her face was blank as she shook her head at me. I clutched at her hips as she opened the door of the cab, trying to pull her closer to me. Pushing on my shoulders, she cried, "No, Edward, I have to go. You said it…I have to go."

Dropping down to my knees, I felt the rough asphalt digging into my knees as I begged her to stay. "Please stay and talk to me, Bella. I want you, Bella. I never meant for you to think otherwise. Just, please. Don't …"

The cabbie blew the horn and yelled at Bella to get in or close the door. What the fuck was wrong with that guy? Couldn't he see that this was the most important moment of my life? She jumped, clearly startled, and hopped into the cab, casting a forlorn look at me through the window as it sped away.

"Fuck!"

With no mind of anything else—not my safety from the passing cars, or the fact that the asphalt was hot as hell, I ran – after that cab, after her. As fast as I could, I tried to catch her. _I had to catch her._ The cab pulled ahead of me slightly, easing its way onto traffic, and still I ran until I was out of breath and my muscles ached in protest and my chest burned. I'd just about caught up, thankful for the packed street and a lucky flash of red—the stoplights were working with me—when the light fucking changed. The cab pulled away, moving ahead of the other cars and speeding away easily. Finally, I stopped.

There was nothing left in me.

Bending over slightly, I rested my hands on my knees and inhaled large gulps of air, trying to calm myself. I couldn't get enough air. Limping over to the sidewalk, I put my head between my knees, trying to breathe.

I sat down where I was on the sidewalk and again screamed, "Fuck!" Putting my face in my hands, I took a few deep, shuddering breaths and felt like crying. My whole world had just come crashing down around me. How could she think that I didn't want her? How could she run away from me? It was too much to take in, so I just curled up right there, taking deep breaths and trying to get my shit together. People walked by and looked down at me lying there on the hot cement of the sidewalk in broad daylight.

I didn't know how long I stayed there, but it felt like hours. Trying to get my bearings, I stood gingerly and looked around. I was a block and a half from my apartment and about to start walking back when I finally realized that I didn't have on shoes. My feet were raw and tender from all that running, so I hailed a cab, giving the driver my address as I slipped inside. Flinging some bills at the driver when we reached my apartment building, I made my way inside, taking the elevator back up to my apartment.

Crossing the threshold of my apartment, I closed the front door and slid down onto the floor. I was sitting in my apartment, the apartment that I bought and shared with Bella. The apartment that my daughter had come home from the hospital to live in; the apartment that was supposed to be _ours_—for our family.

I pulled out my phone and dialed Bella's cell—she didn't answer, of course. I didn't bother leaving a message. I didn't know what I would have said if she had answered, but I just wanted to make sure that she'd made it home. Scoffing at the thought of Bella being at _home_ somewhere, without me, I raked my hands through my hair and hit my head against the door in frustration.

I never imagined things in my life could be so totally and completely fucked up. Bella thought that I didn't want her. I lived in our fucking apartment _alone_. And the two people who meant more to me than anything else, more than my own life, were sitting in a house across town, without me. With someone else taking _my place_. _He_ was taking care of _my Bella_ and _my daughter_.

Yeah, 'fucked up' pretty much summed up the entire situation.

I beat my head back on the door a few times in an effort to dull the pain that radiated throughout my body. It didn't help. Glancing down at the phone still in my hand, I quickly dialed Alice's number and left a message—she didn't answer, either. I needed someone to check on Bella and make sure she was alright, and I sure as fuck wasn't calling Emmett. He'd probably come over and kick my ass—and I deserved it.

It was stupid of me to play the dangerous game I had played, especially when we hadn't discussed things that should have been hashed out long ago, the minute I'd been back, really. Somewhere along the lines, our signals had gotten crossed. Had my anger at the situation bubbled up so visibly, in such a way that she thought I didn't _want her?_ It was true that I had stopped us from going too far, but it was only in deference to our fragile situation, and not because I didn't desire her.

Smacking my hand against my forehead, I felt like an idiot as realization dawned on me. Of course.

That wasn't the only time I had pushed her away—there was the incident on the couch a few weeks back. I'd stopped us then, too. Knowing Bella the way I did, it wasn't difficult for me to piece together where she had gotten the stupid notion that I didn't want her. She'd always been self-conscious, especially toward the beginning of our relationship. I'd done everything possible to make her see that I thought she was beautiful, sexy...special, and it had gradually seemed to take hold.

Perhaps my being gone, my absence and the fucked up triangle we were a part of now, had set us back to square one.

"I should have talked to her, told her, made her see..." I croaked out loud, telling the apartment my failings.

Pushing the phone into my pocket, I continued to beat my head against the door intermittently. Sometime later, I started to hear knocking back. I thought that I had really lost my mind before I realized that someone was knocking on the door. My first thought was Alice. But then, I realized, it _had_ to be Bella. There was no way in hell my girl would let me beg her—literally beg her not to leave me—and actually _do_ it.

This was it. We were going to sit down and talk this out, come to a conclusion. Tonight.

There would be no more crossed wires, nothing left unsaid. I was going to tell her that I only ever wanted her, beg her to see reason and stop this nonsense with James. I wanted my family, and I wanted them now.

I ran my hand through my hair and wrenched open the door, anxious to have her back in my arms so we could figure this shit out. I couldn't help the complete and utter shock that overtook my body at the sight in front of me. It…couldn't be. I was temporarily speechless. Then I uttered the only word I could in that moment.

"Tanya?"


	13. Ch13: It's Clear He's Gone

**AN: ********This picks up in BPOV right after running away from Edward.** Warning: Graphic non-canon smut ahead. 

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**Chapter 13: It's Clear He's Gone**

***BPOV***

A harsh and ragged wail escaped my mouth as I slumped over in the backseat of the cab. The driver glanced up, looking through his rearview mirror at me, and worriedly asked if I was going to be okay. Nodding my head jerkily once in a silent assent was the only effort I could make, knowing that if I opened my mouth to speak, I would tell him to turn the car around and take me back.

There was no reason for me to go back. Edward had made it perfectly clear that he didn't want me.

I thought back to what it felt like, being with him again; the sensations that his strong, sure fingers pressed into my skin evoked in me, the way his familiar and tempting mouth trailed across my skin, leaving a fire in its wake, how I was practically aching to feel him inside me, around me, all over me.

_Stop it, he doesn't want you anymore_.

Unable to bear thinking about it any longer, I tried to focus on what I would do when I got home. James shouldn't be there yet, and I needed to take a shower. Though I didn't want to wash _his_ scent from my body, I couldn't pay the cost I would have to for not doing so. My heart was absolutely broken, even more so than when I thought I would never see him again.

But because of Gracie, he would always be in my life. I'd have to look at him and be in his presence, but not be able to reach out and touch him. I would never feel his arms wrapped around me again. I felt as if my heart had been wrenched from my body and trampled on.

I didn't know how to live this life.

I felt guilty for feeling this way.

Throughout all of this, I'd never once considered James' reaction—never once had I stopped to consider how much my actions would hurt him.

He'd been so good to me after Edward's disappearance, helping me with the paperwork, or bringing me groceries when I was too distraught to crawl out of bed. His presence during my pregnancy had helped me get by day to day. He would sit with me at the apartment for hours upon hours as I moped around, a constant light during that dark and difficult time.

He loved me, even when he knew I might never be able to return those same feelings. And he'd embraced Gracie as his own from the first time he'd held her.

The cab pulling up to our house broke me from my reveries and I got out quickly, wiping my face with my hands. Tossing some bills into the driver's hand, I thanked him before turning to walk up to my front door. I didn't realize until the cab had turned the corner that I'd left my shoes in the backseat.

Sighing heavily, I unlocked the door and slipped inside, pressing my forehead to the cool wood as I closed it.

Turning around, I gasped when I realized that James was standing right in front of me. He looked…anguished. His face fell when he saw that I had been crying, but his expression quickly turned to fury as he looked at my disheveled form.

He took a few strides toward me and stopped abruptly, just inches away. He looked down at me, his chest heaving as his nose flared in anger. The waves of rage emanating from his body were almost palpable. "Bella, where the_ fuck_ have you been?" he questioned in a low, angry tone. He glanced down at my feet before his eyes flew up, taking in my clothing. "Where the hell are your shoes? Did you…is your shirt inside out?" he asked incredulously.

He grasped the hem of my shirt, lifting it up to reveal that I was naked underneath. "You're not even wearing a fucking bra," he sneered, pulling at the waistband of my shorts, "are you wearing anything under here?"

My breath caught in my throat, and I stared at him wide-eyed and too scared to answer. I couldn't lie; I'd never been a good liar. Panic rose in my throat as my stomach twisted nervously.

I didn't know how to talk myself out of this mess.

"Answer me! Where. The. Fuck. Were. You? You've been with _him_, haven't you?" His voice was getting louder, his hands digging into my arms as he began to shake with rage. "Did you fuck him? Goddamn it, Bella! Was it everything you have been _dreaming_ about, _baby_?"

"No," I whispered, shaking my head in protest. "I didn't … I swear. N- Noth…Nothing happened," I stuttered, tears streaming down my cheeks.

He reached just behind me and pushed the table over, causing the lamp to crash to the floor. His breathing was so hard, his face taking on a pained and feral expression. Suddenly not just afraid of being caught, I realized with a sinking feeling in my stomach that I was afraid of _James._

He grabbed my upper arms and pushed me into the wall behind me. "You belong to me. I fucking asked you if you still wanted me. I gave you a way out and you _promised_ me." He choked on his words for a moment. "You promised that you would honor the commitment you made to me. You're mine."

He stared at me for a few moments, and I just stood there, trapped in his icy glare. Lifting my hands from my sides and circling them around his wrists for a moment, I silently willed him to loosen his grip. I ran my hands up his arms, toward his shoulders, before resting my palms against his neck. Staring into his eyes, I realized how much I was really hurting him. He was right—he had given me a way out, and I'd refused.

Regardless of the fact that Edward told me he didn't want me, I knew I shouldn't keep hurting James. _Edward rejected me._ Not once, but twice. Maybe I would never be able to repair our relationship, maybe we would only ever be merely parents to Gracie. It would kill me to see him with anyone else, but wasn't I doing the same to him?

I needed to move on.

For myself, for Gracie, for James...for Edward. It wasn't fair to _any of us_ to be so conflicted.

"James, I l—I love you," I murmured. "I am so, _so_ sorry that I hurt you. _Please_," I begged, my voice low and desperate, "let me show you." Stroking my thumbs across his throat, I tried to soothe the erratic thump beneath them.

He breathed deeply, loosening his grip on me and stepping back slightly. The anger faded from his eyes, replaced by a weary sadness. "You promised, Bella. You came after _me_."

"I did," I replied, closing the space he had created between us. My hands, still on his neck, moved to his cheekbones as I tried to calm him down, to make this work...somehow. "I want to do this the right way_, I do_. You've gotta help me, though. I need help."

"I know, Bella. This is hard for you. Trust me, _I know_. But we can do this together. I know we can."

His breathing had calmed down, eyes turning softer and pleading. I knew that there was a part of myself that I held back from him, had never given fully. It was time to let go.

I reached up on my tiptoes, kissing his cheek as I softly agreed with him, "I know."

"Show me," he whispered, pleading as his hands went from my arms down past my breasts to my hips. Gripping me tightly and pressing himself to me, he lifted me up, cupping my ass and pressing me into the wall behind us. "Please, please, please…" he said over and over again as he brushed his lips against mine. Taking deep breaths, he held me tightly to him, like he was holding on for dear life.

"Just let me…let me show you, James, I'm…I just…I don't—"

He cut me off by kissing me hard, and with total desperation. He reached between us and popped the button of my shorts open, separating us by mere inches to pull them down. He stilled for a moment, temporary relief seeming to cross over him as he realized that I wasn't naked beneath my shorts. I shook my head at him, willing him to just keep going and not ask any more questions.

For a brief moment, I wondered what Edward would do with the garments that I _had_ left behind. I knew I had to stop thinking about _him_ and focus on the man in front of me, the one who had _always_ wanted me, the one who had been waiting for me all this time. I pushed the thoughts away from my mind as I pulled James toward me, clutching his face roughly with my hands.

James kissed me again, driving his tongue into my mouth and rubbing his thumb on my clit. I couldn't help myself as I cried out when he thrust his finger into me. This felt so animalistic and needy. He used the wall behind me for leverage, pressing my body harder against it with his own, backing up slightly to undo the buttons on his jeans.

He moaned into my mouth, crushing his lips forcefully to mine again, not waiting for me to grant him access. He spanned his fingers out along my stomach until they wrapped around my waist. At what seemed to be an agonizing pace, he moved his left hand up my side, under my shirt, until it finally came to rest on my breast. He palmed my nipple to a hardened peak as he pressed the fingers of his other hand into my hip. Grazing down my neck with hot open-mouthed kisses, he stopped to gently suck at the base of my throat.

Opening my eyes, I looked past James into the mirror hanging directly across from me. It was like I didn't recognize myself, the girl in the mirror with this beautiful man kissing and loving _her, _loving_ me_. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why _shouldn't_ I want this?

"Oh god, don't stop," I murmured, clenching my eyes shut as he thrust his hips into me. I clawed at his jeans and tried to push them down his muscular thighs with my feet. The desperation seemed to reawaken in him as his head snapped up, eyes boring into mine.

I gasped as he snatched at the collar of my shirt and ripped it down the middle. He bucked his hips closer to me as he groaned. "You promised… mine."

Leaning toward my chest, he took as much of my breast in his mouth as he could and flicked my nipple with his tongue. He pressed one of his palms to my collar bone, spanning his fingers along the base of my neck, in an almost primal gesture. His other hand snaked back down my body, leaving gooseflesh in its wake. Making circles against my skin with his fingertips, he trailed all the way down to where I needed attention. I moaned out again, louder this time, as he plunged two fingers back inside me rather forcefully, curling them up and pressing his thumb roughly to my clit.

I jerked my hips to his shaky rhythm, just wanting him, needing him inside of me. "Just…_please_," I begged, practically screaming. His eyes met mine as he quickly withdrew his fingers and thrust himself deep inside me in one swift motion.

"Is _this_ what you wanted, Bella?" Each word was punctuated with him thrusting harder into me, causing my head to hit the wall behind me as I dug my fingernails into his shoulders.

"Yes. God, yes."

Heat radiated through my body as my release approached. Pressing one of his thumbs under my chin, he wrapped his fingers behind my neck and twined them in my hair. He forced my gaze up from the place where we were joined, where I could see him pulsing in and out of me, to his eyes before pressing his lips to mine again.

He groaned into my mouth as his tongue assaulted mine over and over again, matching the rhythm of his hips. His free hand moved to my clit, pinching it between his thumb and forefinger and tugging slightly. My body started to quiver and shake as my orgasm coursed over me, and I felt the permeating heat as he came inside of me.

Thoughts raced through my head as I contemplated what we'd just done. I'd never been able to fully let go and just _feel_ everything before this moment, and I didn't want to think about what that actually meant. Not yet.

He kept me pressed to the wall as we stood there, panting. My legs were still wrapped around his waist, his hands tightly gripped on my hips. I started to lower my legs when he grabbed one of my ankles, stopping me and anchoring me to the wall.

His voice was low and gravelly and my breath hitched again as he murmured, "We're not done. I'm going to fuck you _all night long_. You won't even remember _your_ name when we're through."

Gasping at his statement, I knew this wasn't just about a husband being with his wife. We both had something to prove. It was about time we were at the same place at the same time, with the same objective.

He wanted to make me forget, and I didn't want to remember anymore.

He wouldn't hurt me, I knew that. Until very recently, James had never been anything but patient with me. Already, some of the fire from earlier had disappeared from his eyes, and a lazy, content grin lit his handsome face. I knew he'd felt threatened lately, that he thought he was going to lose both me and Gracie. If I was serious about this, which I had resolved to be, I needed to _show_ him.

Grabbing his head in my hands, I threaded my fingers through his hair and looked deep into his eyes, whispering, "Then take me. Again. Right now." I pulled his head forward, pressing my lips to his with all of the passion I was able to put into that kiss.

He returned my eager kiss, pulling me away from the wall, our bodies still attached. The jeans still pooled around his ankles caused him to stagger slightly, and I tightened my arms around his neck and gripped him around the waist harder with my legs, crossing my ankles together to strengthen our bond. I laughed against his mouth as he stepped out of his jeans, using his feet to assist him before carrying me down the hall, toward the bedroom.

"God, Bella, you don't know how long…" he groaned into my mouth before trailing kisses up and down my neck. He stopped us halfway down the hall and pressed me to the wall, loosening his grip around my back to allow his hands to wander. He ground his hips into me, slipping his hardening cock against me.

Arching my back a little against the wall, I caused him to stumble backwards slightly, giving me enough space that I could move my feet down to the floor and maneuver him against the opposite wall. Placing my hands on his shoulders and pushing him down, I started to lower myself to straddle his thighs when he stopped me.

Looking up at me, his eyes darkened as he sat up slightly, gripped my hips, and pulled me forward. He ran a finger around my inner thigh in a lazy pattern, watching my face as he teased me. My breaths came out in pants as I anticipated what I knew was coming next. His hand that still gripped my hip propelled me forward slightly until I was directly in front of his face.

"Bella," he moaned, "I can't wait another second…" He ducked his head down at the same time he lifted my leg to his shoulder and thrust two fingers inside me.

Sucking in a hard breath, my bones turned to Jell-o as his rough stubble grazed my inner thigh. He circled my clit with his tongue and continued teasing me with his fingers. I couldn't believe that I was so close…_again_. It had never been this way with James before.

Focusing on the wonderful feelings that were flowing through me, I wouldn't allow myself to compare them. I was here, with _my husband_ who loved me. That's all that mattered. It had to be.

As I teetered on the edge of release again, I started to fall backward when he reached up, circling his arm around my body, holding on to me tightly and rubbing my hip bone.

Leaning forward and pressing my forehead to the wall, I moaned and whimpered at the sensation as he thrust his fingers deeper into me and flicked my clit deftly with his tongue. Keeping one hand on his shoulder, I wove the fingers of my other hand into his hair, pulling roughly and causing him to growl. He didn't stop, even as my whole body started to convulse, my orgasm taking over and leading me into blissful oblivion.

As soon as I started to come down, he stood up swiftly and scooped me up, giving me access to kiss his neck and gently bite his earlobe. He groaned as I leaned up to capture his lips with my own. It was insanely erotic that I could taste myself on him.

"Love you," he whispered against my lips.

"Oh God, I need you. Please."

He stood frozen in the hallway for a moment as my words sank in. "I can't get enough of you, Bella," he rasped out, stumbling over the threshold of our bedroom. He took a few tentative steps into the room. Kissing up my neck and licking at my jaw and under my chin, he halted his movements, stopping just short of the bed. He gaped at me as I leapt out of his arms as if I were a wild animal.

I felt like one.

He started to move toward the bed but I placed my hand on his chiseled chest. Pushing him into a sitting position on the floor, I lowered myself down onto him. My mouth opened and my tongue darted between his lips, still savoring my taste on him.

He gripped my hips as I started to move on him, rocking us closer together. I threw my head back as he brought his face forward and started to kiss my neck, my chest, under my chin.

I held tight to him, using his shoulders as leverage as I continued to lift myself up and down on him. He moved his hands from my hips, making tiny circles on my flesh with his fingertips as one hand grazed around my backside, stopping for a moment to cup my ass before slowly caressing up my back to grip my shoulder. His other hand went to the front of my body, palming my breast before delving down to where we were joined.

Unlike earlier, he was being so gentle, and I didn't want that. I wanted to forget, _to move on_. It was time for me to stop this nonsense and just let go. I increased my pace, letting all of the drama and heartache seep out of my body as I did.

When his fingers reached my clit again, I rocked forward and attached my mouth to the juncture of his neck and shoulder, muffling my cries of ecstasy. I arched my back, pressing our sweaty bodies closer as he moaned deeply and began to move me with rougher, deeper thrusts. He continued to kiss my neck, his mouth sucking my flesh with more force than before.

I bit down on him when he uttered, "God, Bella …" My body started to clench around him as he spilled inside me, clutching me tightly and shuddering beneath me. We sat there, chests heaving, trying to catch our breaths, and coming down from the high.

He looked up at me with such love and adoration. "Bella, do you…that was, I mean…" he trailed off. He sighed, his face relaxed and content. "Sweetheart, you wore me out. Do you want to take a shower?"

Shaking my head at him, I whispered, "No." His face fell before I continued, "I mean, not yet. I'm going to call and check on Gracie. I'll join you in a few minutes, though."

He helped me stand and held on to me for a moment before sitting me down on the bed. Smiling a small smile at him, I reached for the phone and watched his retreating form.

As soon as I heard the click of the bathroom door closing, I sagged over and sobbed into my pillow, unable to believe what I had done. I stayed in that position, the tears streaming down my cheeks, for what felt like an eternity.

_I'd really done it._ I cut the ties that bound me to Edward, willingly and harshly. I didn't know what had come over me, if it was the stress of these last few weeks, or the hurt from being pushed away repeatedly, but I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't continue to play cat and mouse with my heart, only to have it squashed.

I didn't know how we would reach a resolution, if we could ever go back to being 'just friends', but, for the sake of our daughter, it would have to be done. I wouldn't allow her to see her parents, as well as James, in such an explosive, painful situation.

It wasn't fair to her.

But I also came to another startling realization. I'd just given my heart and _my body_ to James in a way that I'd never been able to before—and though I felt like I'd progressed a thousand miles, I still felt…empty.

It wasn't enough. Giving everything to him still didn't fill the aching void in my soul.

_Now what am I going to do?_

I was so confused, so tired of the yo-yo string my life had been dangling on for the past few weeks. Nothing I ever did seemed to be enough, no matter how much I thought it would be.

I'd been so thrilled to learn Edward was alive—it was an answered prayer, truly. I hadn't even given it enough thought past that. Selfishly glad that he was still on this Earth, that my daughter could know her father, that I could breathe easier knowing he did, too. I hadn't considered how my moving on would upset him; something that, at the time, I'd done to try and help move myself into the land of the living. It had backfired.

And now there was James. In a fit of wanting to move myself on, again, I'd turned to the one person who should have been able to help me out of this mess: my husband. I'd thrown caution to the wind, opening myself to him as best I knew how, the way he'd always wanted, and I was still so...confused. Another backfired plan.

I'd blown my chances with Edward, I knew that now. But living this half-life with James would never be enough. I felt so utterly wrong in thinking that, but lying to myself had never gotten me anywhere good. As evidenced.

What a terrible time to have an epiphany. _Couldn't have figured this out about...forty five minutes ago, could you?_

Neither path was an easy one, both promising heartache and suffering if not handled delicately.

And I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know how to be James' Bella, and Edward's Bella had dealt with too many things to ever be that girl again. The answer was so far beyond me and I worried that I'd only fucked everything up—worse than before if that were possible. Added to the stress were the worries over what any and all of this could do to Gracie.

I glanced at the clock, noting the time. The shower had been running for the last ten minutes; knowing I needed to join James there, I waited until I thought he was almost done. I padded into the bathroom and slathered cleanser on my face—I didn't want him to know I had been crying. He stepped out of the shower, and just as I was getting ready to step in, I heard the phone ring.

"Sweetheart, you take a shower. I'll get that." He paused to cradle my face in his hands. My heart gave a painful tug as he swooped down to place a sweet, soft kiss below my eye. "Thank you," he said as he left the room.

Figuring it was just Esme calling about Gracie, I decided to stop worrying so much about everything. I had no idea what I was going to do. But I would get through this. We all would.

I had to believe that.

As I put my face under the soothing spray of the shower, I heard James answer the phone, "Hello?" A pause, and then he said, "I'm really glad you called."


	14. Ch14: If You Love Me, Let Me Go

**AN: Yeah, this chapter is **_**soooo**_** not wuss-perv friendly. **

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**Chapter 14: If You Love Me, Let Me Go**

***EPOV***

"Edward, are you alright in there?"

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I couldn't deal with this shit. I couldn't deal with Bella leaving me. And I sure as fuck couldn't deal with Tanya showing up on my doorstep, _unannounced _and _uninvited._

Detecting her shadow beneath the door, I sat on the edge of the bathtub and silently willed her to just _go the fuck away_. Holding my head in my hands, I tried to figure out what I should do next. I'd called Bella a zillion times—all with no answer. I'd even considered stooping so low as to call Emmett, but I quickly decided against that. He was going to kick my ass when he found out what happened, so I might as well delay that as long as possible.

I deserved it.

If Bella thought that I didn't want her—if I had pushed her away from me and made her so mad that she'd run away from me—to him…I just couldn't even_ think _about it. I didn't deserve her, and this proved it.

How could she possibly think that I'd ever wanted anything, anyone other than her? I wanted to fix it, to let her know that I'd only ever wanted her, that I _needed_ to be with her and Gracie. But I knew when I saw the look of defeat in her eyes when she left me—it was over. I was out of plans.

Unlocking the door, I took another deep breath and opened it a sliver, peeking my head out and meeting Tanya's bright blue gaze. "Tanya," I croaked out, trying to find my voice, "everything is fi—" I paused, knowing there was no reason to try to lie to her. "Um, I just need a few minutes. You can wait for me in the living room, and I'll be right out, okay?"

She nodded, her eyes full of concern and anxiety. "I'm here for you, Edward." She spoke softly, reaching her hand through the tiny opening in the doorway and finding mine. She gave my fingers a gentle squeeze before murmuring, almost reverently, "_Always_. You know that." Her eyes searched my own for several moments before she sighed heavily and turned to walk out of my room. It felt wrong—her being in that room.

_Wrong._ Like everything else that was fucked up in my life.

Needing to make sure Bella had made it to wherever she was going safely, I swallowed my pride and decided to call her at _his_ house. Searching through the contact list that Alice had programmed into my phone, I hit send and prayed that she'd be the one to answer.

"Hello?"

Fuck my life.

"It's Edward. Can I speak to Bella?"

"I'm glad you called," he said.

His voice was smug, and it caused a wave of nausea to roll through me.

"She's not available at the moment, Edward." He paused. "In fact, Bella asked me to tell you not to call her anymore for awhile."

"Get the fuck out, Bremner. Bella would never say such a thing."

There was silence on the other end for what felt like forever. "I'm just trying to do what Bella wants. She doesn't want to talk to you anymore. He was silent for a few moments, seeming to mull things over in his thick skull before saying, "Actually, we think it's best if you give her what she deserves, Edward. _A clean break_, if you will. Change the locks, stop harassing her, and stop calling her phone every five minutes. It's too hard for her to have to keep hurting you. She doesn't love you like that anymore. Would she have married me if she weren't over you?"

Even though I couldn't wrap my head around Bella saying anything like that, something in his words caused me to hesitate. I didn't know how I'd never be able to move on—she was everything to me. But the part of me that was still hurt over the fact that she _had _married him took those words and gnawed over them. Had she said something to him after what had happened earlier? Had I pushed her away and into his waiting arms? Did she love him? I quickly thought back on all the times we had spoken about him—however briefly. I couldn't remember her ever saying that she loved him. Had she? And what about...

"Gracie?" I croaked out, terror gripping my throat.

"We'll set up the arrangements through the office—I think it's best for everyone that way. Give them some time to adjust, you know?"

Stunned, I sat there in silence. I wanted to argue that there was no one better for Gracie and Bella than me, but I didn't think I'd be able to get the words out without erupting at him. There was no use in adding fuel to this already smoldering fire. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my fraying nerves, trying to be an adult about this. "I guess we'll try to work something out for all of us, then..."

"I'm not doing this for you."

White hot fury ignited down the base of my spine, and my hand flexed involuntarily around my phone. "For Bella," I confirmed, gritting my teeth.

"What else would I do," he asked, and I could almost hear the smirk in his voice when he began to speak again. "She is my _wife_."

Even knowing he couldn't hear me, I shook my head and ended the call, whispering, "She's my _soulmate_," into the receiver.

"Motherfucker," I shouted, hurling my phone at the wall. I watched it crack into a hundred tiny pieces. I fucking _hated_ him. He had my life, had everything I had ever wanted. How was this fair? My breaths escaped in harsh pants, anger taking complete control after his parting words. How dare he offer to set up time for me to see _my _daughter? To remind me, once again, that he had both of my girls.

Sinking down into the cold bathtub and pulling my knees to my chest, my mind spun out of control, thoughts of Bella's lips pressed to mine, the way we moved together. How she looked at seventeen, happy and indulgent when I would twirl her around and love on her. I thought about our baby. Gracie. One half me, one half Bella—she wasn't his, she never would be. Going further, I thought about my girls living their lives with him.

Up until this point I had been angry at the situation, but not necessarily at _him_. I'd known James since I was in college, had thought him my friend. He had always seemed jealous of what Bella and I had, but I'd always chalked that up to him wanting something like we had with his own girl.

Not mine.

Now though, I seriously wondered if that was ever that simple.

I don't know how long I sat there, in the bathtub, just thinking. I came to the conclusion that no matter what James said, there was something there that he couldn't see: Bella would always be mine.

We were on a bad path at the moment, but there was more there to us than just a shared past. We had been, and would always be, a part of each other's future. I resolved to stop acting like a fucking dick to her, and start showing her again how perfect we could be together.

Time was what we needed. James was in for a rude awakening if he thought he could get one over on me. I was back in the game, and I was determined not to lose this time. Full of a burgeoning new plan, I jumped up and called out for Tanya.

As she walked hurriedly into the room, I grabbed her hand and said, "Come on. Looks like I need a new cell phone and new locks for this apartment. You can tell me what the _hell_ you're doing here on the way."

**X-X-X-X-X**

As it turned out, Tanya said she just missed me. We were close friends, spending practically every free moment together while I was in Alaska, so I understood how she felt. I'd missed having her around, too, and after some debate decided the best thing was for her to stay in a nearby hotel. She wasn't too happy when I explained to her that no matter what was or wasn't going on with me and Bella, there could never be anything more with us. I wasn't sure she completely bought it, but she seemed to respect my wishes and go with the flow.

Over the next few weeks, time seemed to pass by in a blur, with me spending as much time with Gracie as possible. She was so adorable—the best of Bella and me, and even more than we could have hoped for. On the days that I didn't get to see my little girl, Bella set up her own Skype account for us so we could at least get in some face time. Gracie would always have a drawing or a toy or some elaborate story to share with me, and it made me so happy that I was so important to her. I hated that everything with us was so totally fucked up, but having Gracie was truly the best thing that had ever happened to me.

A few times, I caught glances of Bella in the background while video chatting with my daughter. It wasn't nearly enough, but I'd done what I'd been asked—changed the locks on the apartment and stopped all contact with her to give her some space. She called me sometimes, but I always let it go straight to voicemail. My plans definitely involved some cooling off time—for the both of us. When I'd check the messages, they were always about exactly what I expected—minor changes in times to pick up or drop off Gracie.

It always sounded like she wanted to say more, the end of the messages filled with awkward silence before she would hang up. I couldn't help but wonder why she continued to call, but I quickly squashed any hopes that it was her way of going against James' wishes. She was the one who needed to stay away, so I tried to let her.

As long as she wasn't keeping me from my daughter, I was willing to give her the time she needed to get her shit together. If we were supposed to figure stuff out, we would, eventually. Experience had also taught me that if I pushed her, she'd just run away. If I wanted to get in her good graces again and make her see that we belonged together, I'd have to give her the space she seemed to need.

It was _way_ easier said than done.

A few weeks after Bella's silence had begun, I was video chatting with Gracie when Bella walked in. Giving me a tentative smile, she leaned over to whisper something in Gracie's ear. My daughter's excited squeal barely registered with me as I took in Bella's form—she'd lost weight and a small bruise was visible on her upper arm. Her face held an expression I'd never seen on her before. _Resignation?_

If that fucker had laid one finger on her, I'd kill him.

"Daddy! It's your birfday tomorrow and I gets to spend the whole day wif you!" She clapped and grinned widely, showing almost all of her perfect white teeth. "Then, I getta spend tha night wif you and see you alllll day for Father date."

Chuckling at her name for Father's Day, I kept my eyes on Bella in the small screen and said, "That's right, sugar plum. I can't wait to spend two whole days with you. I'll pick you up in time for lunch tomorrow." I paused, wondering what Bella's reaction would be to my next question but ultimately deciding that it was worth it, regardless of the risk. "Has your mom been sick, baby girl?"

"Nooo, silly, my mama's not sick."

Bella's sharp glance toward her computer screen made me stop questioning our daughter about whatever was going on with her. We talked a few more minutes and as soon as I ended our call, I dialed my brother's number. Pacing the floor in front of my desk, I pulled my hair in frustration. Was I going about this the wrong way? Did my staying away like she asked me to give her the idea that I was giving up, too? Unable to get the lost look on Bella's face out of my mind, I practically yelled at Emmett when he finally answered.

"'Sup, E?"

"I don't have time for your antics right now. Is something going on with Bella?"

"Uh, brah, I'm pretty sure there's a _lot_ going on with Bella," he scoffed.

"No. I was just talking to Gracie via webcam, and Bella came in the room. Em, she had a bruise on her arm. Do you think—you don't think—"I took a steeling breath. "You don't think he's stupid enough to hurt her, do you?"

Emmett took a deep sigh and lowered his voice slightly. "Look, I saw that bruise on her arm awhile back. I asked her about it, and she, uh, she told me. Trust—you do _not_ want to know."

"But if he—"

"No. Stop it right now, dude. I'm not telling you anything else. But I want you to think about this: if I even thought for one tiny second that stupid fuck would do anything to that girl, don't you think I'd tear him limb by limb myself?" He stopped, letting me think about what he'd said before delivering the final blow, "Edward, she's _married_. Stuff happens. Stuff I know you don't want to hear about."

I blanched, unwilling to let my mind travel down that particular path, though I worried that there was more to it than his lame-ass explanation. Saving me from thoughts I didn't want to ponder at that moment, Tanya walked in, carrying takeout from a nearby sandwich shop.

As I walked over to help her with the bags, Emmett called out, "Just leave it alone. Give her some space, man, or you'll fuck everything up."

Frustrated, I sighed into the receiver, "Whatever. This is not over."

**X-X-X-X-X**

The next day, I got ready to take my daughter to Canlis, one of the best restaurants in Seattle. Because it was my first birthday with her as well as the first time she'd be sleeping over with me, I wanted it to be special.

Tanya offered to tag along and had been supremely unhappy when I told her 'no'. She kept trying to change my mind, whining the entire time.

"Why can't I just stay here with you—with both of you?"

"Tanya, I told you that you have to go. I'm spending the day with _my daughter_," I huffed, frustrated and unable to see what she didn't understand about the situation.

Her face fell, full of disappointment. "But, Edward, she needs to get used to me. If you are going to try to maintain a relationship with her…" she trailed off, seeing the exasperated look I was giving her.

"If? Are you crazy? Of course I am," I practically shouted as I grabbed her bag, ushering her out the door at the same time I was leaving. "No one will come between me and my daughter, T. Don't you ever forget that."

I dropped Tanya off at my sister's before heading to my parents' house to pick up Gracie. When I got there, Gracie jumped up and squealed, running to me and throwing her arms around my neck. She had made me a card and a batch of cupcakes that her mother had helped make. I fought back my emotions as I realized that each of them had "Happy Birthday Daddy" across their tops.

Bella had also sent me a note for my birthday.

_Edward,_

_I know I'm not exactly your favorite person right now, but I couldn't let this day pass without acknowledging it. _

_Happy Birthday, Edward._

_I cannot tell you how truly grateful I am that I get to say...well, write these words, and have them not be just a whispered remembrance. _

_I truly am sorry for the way things have turned out between us. I hope you know I would have never done anything to willingly hurt you. I missed you so much, and made so many mistakes in my grief after your accident. Hindsight, huh?_

_Gosh, if you only knew how many times I have rewritten this note... I decided to just go with it, and hope that you get what I am trying to say. _

_Anyway. Back to happy, yeah? Because this day is truly a good one. I am so glad that Gracie has the chance to know you, and love you. It was always my biggest wish that you would have had the chance to meet her. I just knew you would have been a great father, and I'm so grateful that she now has the chance to know you outside of pictures and bedtime stories. She loves you, Edward. So much. _

_So, here's hoping that your day will be wonderful. Believe me when I say that I am so fortunate to have had you in my life, and I thank God everyday for giving Gracie the chance to know you as well. _

_Bella_

Rereading the words that she had written on the page over and over again, I finally lifted it to my nose and inhaled, trying to detect her lingering scent. My mind ran through memories of so many other birthdays that I had spent with her. It didn't matter where we'd been: at an amusement park, on a cruise, just spending most of the day in bed—we were always just so happy and totally fucking crazy about each other.

I didn't understand her. How could she say these things to me and feel the same feelings that I felt and not _do_ anything about it? I just couldn't wrap my head around why she was unwilling to _fight_ for us. The only explanation that I could come up with was that she actually believed it. Believed that I didn't want her, that I couldn't forgive her for trying to move on when she thought I was dead.

_Oh, Bella. How can I show you? _

My mother must have noticed my frustration, because she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me down to her so she could kiss my forehead. "Baby, you should tell her."

"Mom," I croaked out, "she knows. How can she not?"

She held me closer for a few moments before letting me go and cupping my cheek in her hand. "Give her some time, son. You know her."

Shaking my head, I stepped back from her grasp and retorted, "I thought I did. The girl I knew would never want this life. I just—Mom, I don't know anymore."

Her eyes filled with tears as she whispered, "Happy Birthday. I'll see you tomorrow."

**X-X-X-X-X**

I spent the next two days with my daughter. She enjoyed acting all grown-up at Canlis and loved going to the Aquarium. We decided to stop for ice cream on our way back to the apartment.

"When's Jacob gonna come back, Daddy?" she questioned, looking up at me with her big green eyes.

Furrowing my brow, I knew I'd heard the name but couldn't remember. "Who, baby? Who's Jacob?"

"That's my goldfish. He went to heaven last week. I put on my pink dress from Auntie and we had a funeroll."

"Gracie, you know Jacob's not coming back. He's in Heaven now, watching over you." She looked up at me with wide eyes and gestured for me to bend down to her level. "But Daddy," she whispered, placing both of her tiny hands on my cheeks and leaned in, "my mama told me you were in Heaven. And you came back. You can go get Jacob and bring him back like you."

Overcome, I kissed her nose and lips before picking her up. "Baby, I wasn't in Heaven."

"Yes you were'd. My mama told me." As I shook my head at her, she scowled before continuing, "How d'you know you wasn't in Heaven, then?"

Taking a deep breath, I tried to think of what to say to her as I murmured, too low for her to hear, "because I wasn't with your mother."

Her eyes snapped up to mine and her big green eyes started to fill with tears. She shook her head, causing her ringlet curls to bounce on her shoulder, "So if you were with my mama, you'd go away to Heaven?"

I shook my head, wishing I hadn't said that out loud, "No, baby. That's not what I meant. Your mama lives with you ... and Ja- and Jamie. She's happier that way."

"Nuh uh, she wants to go to Heaven too," she cried.

"Gracie, what're you talking about? Your mother would never say she wished she was d-, that she wished she would d-" I couldn't get the words out, "that she wanted to leave _you_, baby."

"I heared her—she told my Auntie that she wanted to be with you," she cried. "but you don't want her to. She wants a go wif you, and then you'll go away, back to Heaven?"

Finally understanding what she meant, I laughed at her reasoning, relieved. "No, that's not what it means. And your mom wants to be with Jamie. Everything is great, baby, but I can't bring back Jacob for you. I'm sorry."

"Daddy, I heared her say it. And she was cryin'. And I don't like when my mama cries. You can't leave and go away again, please? Please, Daddy?"

As I held her in my arms, I couldn't contain my smile. _Out of the mouths of babes and all that._ Gracie knew what her own mother hadn't yet realized—Bella wanted to be with me, too. Patience was never my strong suit, but I knew if I could just hold out and give her enough time, she'd come to recognize that she needed me as just as much as I needed her, and that we were meant to be together.

If she was already talking to her friends about it, I knew then that she had to be coming around.

"Gracie, I won't leave you, ever again. I promise," I said, trying to reassure her. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it anymore."

She thought about it for a few minutes as we continued back down the street, still eating our ice cream. "Can I ask you somefin?"

"Sure, sugar plum," I said. "What is it?"

"Well since you can't get Jacob back, can you get me a puppy?"

"Your mother'll kill me," I told her, "but we'll see."

**X-X-X-X-X**

I continued to spend as much time with Gracie as possible and before I knew it, June had run into July. She spent the day with me on the fourth, but was going back to Bella's for the big party they were having that evening. Apparently everyone was going to be there, including my entire family, but I just couldn't bring myself to being around _them_ yet. Besides, as far as I knew Bella still needed "space."

On our way out, I noticed that the dry cleaner located next to my building was open. The Chinese couple that owned it were good people, and seemed so ecstatic to see me when I came back. Bella and I must've brought them lots of business back in the day. Guessing they weren't in to celebrating America's Independence Day, I grabbed Gracie's hand and led her inside.

"Miss Cullen, so good to see you," he said cheerfully to my daughter.

"Mista Li!" Gracie squealed.

"I get your clothes," he said to me, giving her a wide grin and disappearing behind a door.

A few moments later, Mrs. Li came out from the back, beaming and holding a brown garment bag. "You come get Miss Bella's dress. I knew she want it one day."

Confused, I looked at her and questioned, "Miss Bella's dress? Uh, no…I don't want—"

She just smiled at me and pushed the bag into my hands. I shifted Gracie on my hip so I could maneuver it around to unzip it. Shock filtered through me, causing me to drop the bag when I saw the dark blue fabric and the tiny glittering stones at the top of the dress. Almost unable to catch my breath, I held on to my daughter with one hand and gripped the edge of the countertop to steady myself with the other.

Unable to believe they still had that dress, the dress that Bella was supposed to wear to our rehearsal dinner the night before our wedding, I croaked out, my voice barely above a whisper, "I don't understand."

Gracie rubbed her little fingers on my face. "You okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, baby, I'm fine," I lied. I was _so_ not fine. "Mrs. Li, I don't want to pick this up now. How long—"

She cut me off. "I keep this dress for four years. You take it now!"

Just then, Mr. Li reappeared, holding the clothes I had dropped off earlier in the week. "Don't worry, Mr. Cullen, we add to your bill. Have nice day!" he said jovially as he nodded toward the exit.

Setting Gracie down and adjusting her dress, I grabbed her hand and led her to my car. "Hey kiddo, want to stop for a snack on the way?" I asked. I wasn't about to let a few pieces of fabric get in the way of my last few moments with my daughter that day.

**X-X-X-X-X**

Bella's house was decked out with huge banners streamed across her porch. Everything was covered in red, white, and blue, and there were a lot of cars in the driveway. Recognizing my dad's Mercedes, I fought back the bile that rose in my throat as I thought about my family here with him, celebrating them.

Gracie cheered and jumped in her seat, ready to run inside to the party. As I unbuckled her, she bolted out, running toward the fun jump that was in the front yard. Reaching in the front seat to grab her bag, I started to walk to the front door when I realized that Bella was standing there, waiting for me.

She looked beautiful, wearing a short white sundress with her hair pulled up. I noticed she was barefoot and was wringing her hands together and biting her lip as she looked at me approaching. She always did that when she was nervous, and I wondered what she could possibly be nervous about. I had to practically physically restrain myself to not touch her.

Gracie paused at the door, and then ran back to me. Wrapping her little arms around my knees, she looked up, asking if I was going to go inside with her for the party.

"No, sugar plum. Daddy has some things he has to do today. You go inside and have a good time though."

I bent down, scooping her up and kissing her all over her face and forehead. She giggled, placing her hands on my cheeks to stop me.

"Daddy, you silly. Lemme go, I wanna see my Unca Emmett now."

I watched her run into the house, pausing just long enough to hug Bella where she still sat on the porch. Her eyes were riveted on mine, and I saw the moisture gathered in them. I looked away, the sight tugging painfully at me and making it hard to not pick them both up and run away with them.

"Bella," I said stiffly, handing her Gracie's bag. I wasn't going to stick around and risk seeing that fucker, so I stepped off the porch and continued, "Tell Gracie that I'll see her on Wednesday."

"Okay," she whispered. She stood up and stepped closer to me, stopping short when Gracie's laugh floated out the open front door. "Um, did you guys have a good time?"

"Yeah," I answered. I watched as she twisted her hands in front of her, and then moved them behind her back. Her nervousness was making me nervous, too.

It was the first time we'd been mostly alone since our last argument. I wanted to apologize, but I wasn't exactly sure what for. I scanned her arms for any hint of another bruise, but there were, thankfully, none.

Good. At least I wouldn't have to go to jail today for murder.

"She was really excited to spend time with you," she said, smiling faintly. "She had her bag packed all week long. I had to convince her that she didn't need to take her entire toy box instead of clothes."

I smiled, too. "She's something else. I don't think I've ever seen such a little adult. She reminds me of you."

Bella looked down, and I saw her cheeks blush red before she shifted to look back over her shoulder. She stared at the open door for a long minute, crossing her feet back and forth in front of her. Finally, she spoke.

"D'you want to come inside? I know Gracie would love it if—"

"Jesus, Bella. Is it your sole purpose in life to break my heart?" I said, pressing my hands into fists at my side. Turning around and walking back to my car, I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard a small sob escape her.

"Edward…"

I groaned, my shoulders slumping as I turned around. "What, Bella? What is it?"

What did she expect from me? First she told me not to contact her and that she didn't want to see me. Then, she's acting all morose, sitting on his porch and asking me to come to her anniversary party? I didn't get this girl—at all.

In my mind, I kept repeating my plan over and over, trying not to lose it, again. I just had to be calm, had to show her that we could be those same two people again. The ones who loved each other, the couple who didn't have three thousand stumbling blocks in front of them trying to throw them off track.

"Edward, please. Just…please talk to me. I want…"

I cut her off, unable to stand another minute in her presence pretending. I was sick to death of pretending that I didn't want her, pretending that it wasn't killing me that she had chosen that fucker over me. Pretending that I could do this. "What, Bella? What do you _want_?"

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so, _so_ sorry. Please. I love-"

"If you mean it, Bella," I paused, looking into her eyes for any indication that my Bella was still there. What stared back at me broke what was left of my heart. Her eyes were so unsure, so tormented and dead. I shook my head and murmured, "You chose him, though, didn't you? If you love me, you have to let me go."

"Stay. _Please_."

"Are you kidding me? You actually expect me to stay here?" All thoughts of _calm _and _my plan_ flew out of the window. I was so angry I was literally seeing red. She wasn't allowed to fuck around with me and tell me that she loved me, or try to invite me into witnessing the happy couple's friends and family congratulating them on their happy lives. Not when it should have been mine.

"For Gracie. Please?"

"That's the reason, Bella? Because Gracie wants me to stay?"

"I don't know what else to say," she whispered. "Every time I try to say what I want to, you cut me off! Please, _listen_ to me. I'm doing this all wrong, but I'm trying to tell you that I lo—"

I didn't let her talk? That was fucking rich. As I remembered it, the last time I had tried to talk to her, she had hopped into a cab and left me on the street. I glanced at her, noticing the tears, and for once not caring.

"Don't you say it. Bella. Don't you dare say it. If you mean what you are about to say, you would have fought for us. But you sold us out—and for what? Your sham of a marriage? Just don't," I said, flinching back from her hand that had tentatively swept out in an effort to touch me.

"Could you just let me explain? Jesus, you won't even let me try to tell you that I've made a dec—"

A glimpse of a blond head at the window caused my focus to slip, and in my rage that the fucker was spying on us, I lost her words. I couldn't do this anymore. "Look, whatever it is, it's not enough."

"How can you say that? You're not even trying to hear me, Edward.

"You need to wake up. You can't fix this with crying and saying that you l—" I shook my head, almost tearing my hair out at the root in frustration. Unable to breathe, the air around me felt like a cage. And I knew, right then, that I had to leave.

Giving her a final look, I nodded curtly and turned to walk away from her. When I got to my car, I saw her dress in the back seat. Grabbing it, I walked determinedly back to her. Unable to glance at the face of the girl who had been my everything—the girl who had just ripped my soul apart, I hurled the dress in her direction as I muttered, "Happy Anniversary, Bella."

Then I turned around.

And I left.


	15. Ch15: Gave You All I Had

**AN: This chapter is dedicated to MasenCullen**

* * *

**Chapter 15: Gave You All I Had**

***BPOV***

Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I realized I hardly recognized myself anymore.

Dull eyes stared back at me, rimmed by dark circles that stood out on my all-too-pale face. My hair was limp, in need of a good brushing and the dead ends were noticeable. When was the last time I'd had a trim? I couldn't even remember. I looked sallow, unhealthy. Too thin.

_What the fuck happened to me?_

The past few weeks had been a total nightmare, starting with the night I'd come home and been with James. It was the first and only time we'd been together since finding out about Edward, and though I felt that it was wrong to be with him like that, the experience had definitely clarified some things for me.

It was nothing like anything I'd ever felt before—primal and just desperate. After Edward rejected me, and I realized that nothing I could ever do would make up for betraying him by being with someone else, I honestly thought I should _try_. I could try to give James the one part of me that I'd never been able to let go of.

When all was said and done, though, I had a major revelation. An epiphany of sorts.

_It wasn't enough. It would never be enough._

I'd learned that there was no fixing this situation through gestures that were too little, too late. All I'd earned was a deeper self loathing for my actions.

James couldn't love me enough to make up for Edward pushing me away. He could try, and I knew he would, but it wasn't right to lead him on that way. Nor was it right to try and replace Edward—I didn't know that it would ever be, but I had to move on. I couldn't feel guilty enough to love James the way he deserved; Edward would still never be able to forgive me.

We were between right and wrong; between heaven and hell. Between fighting to get what we wanted, and trying to figure out what we really needed. We were wedged between the responsibilities to Gracie, and to our own hearts.

We were all stuck somewhere in between all of that.

There was no middle ground.

I'd have to make my own way. There had to be more to me than my past with Edward or my non-existent future with James. I had once been determined and independent and happy. I just didn't know how to be that girl, that _woman_, anymore. Still though, I had to try. It wasn't good for Gracie to see me this way, and I couldn't allow it any longer.

Looking back, I think James knew that everything was quickly unraveling. Though he always made time for Gracie, he'd spent more and more time away from home. He hadn't actually come right out and asked me anything, but I think that was because he knew that he wouldn't like the answers.

So I bided my time, trying to figure out a plan. I didn't want to disrupt Gracie's life too much, and past that I just didn't know what to do or where to go.

I could have gone to Charlie's, but I didn't want to put him out by moving me and Gracie into his two bedroom place. Sue had just moved in last I had heard, and that was just...weird. Not to mention the distance between Gracie and Edward would be unfair. They were getting so close, and I _wanted _that to happen.

There was Esme and Carlisle's place, but I wasn't entirely comfortable going there—I didn't want to make things worse for Edward than I already had, and he should be able to visit his family whenever he wanted. He'd missed out on so much already.

I had money, but that money was from Edward's estate being settled when he went missing. To use it in finding a place for myself felt wrong. There was the argument that I was using it for Gracie that, while tempting, still hadn't swayed me.

Weeks ago, the attorneys let me know that the insurance company was not contesting anything and that I remained in control of the stocks from Cullen Industries. How that was possible, I didn't understand. I had a sinking suspicion it was something Edward himself had set up.

What I did know was that I didn't feel right using that money for anything—I never had. The apartment was paid for, so I didn't have to worry about a mortgage, and Gracie and I lived off of the stock dividends and the interest from my part of the insurance proceeds. The rest of the money, including the principle, was set aside for Gracie. Even though Edward had left everything to me, I always felt like it should be hers. It should stay in _his_ family.

Glancing over my shoulder, I saw the dark blue dress hanging on the back of the door, a constant reminder of what should have been. The last thing that I should have ever worn before becoming Bella Cullen, the dress mocked me. _I_ should have been in his family. We should have gotten married and lived happily ever after. We should be raising our daughter together, having a life together, doing everything _together_.

But that would never be. He made sure I understood that.

Trying to talk to him at the party had been so stupid, I knew that now. I should have done it before, but he'd been so distant. Still, he'd only believed what he'd wanted to. And that was my fault, again.

It was originally intended to celebrate our anniversary, but I knew there was no way I could go through with a party for that. Since we didn't have the heart to tell Gracie that we weren't having the bash she had been so excited for, things went on as planned—as an Independence Day Celebration _only_.

Although I'd had my realization the night I'd been with James, I didn't get absolute clarity about our situation until Edward brought Gracie home on the fourth of July. All this time, I didn't understand how much I'd been hurting him by playing both sides.

Looking back, I should've seen the signs, and how much of a toll this entire ordeal was taking on him. He'd never acted that way toward me or snapped at me like that. It wasn't until I watched him practically unravel before my eyes did I realize that I was backing him into a corner of my own making, and he had no choice but to react the way he did. It was stupid of me to expect any other outcome.

Edward had been distant for so long, and since I was utterly ashamed for brazenly throwing myself at him, I didn't press for contact either. Taking the coward's way out, I let him plan everything through his parents or James' office. When I would call him, usually to rearrange Gracie's schedule, he'd never answer, leaving me to deal with voice mail. The brief glimpses I got of him on Skype were like a simultaneous slap in the face and an instant high.

Finally working up the courage to speak to Edward face-to-face when he showed up with Gracie, I didn't even take into consideration how I was approaching him—or _where_ for that matter. All I cared about was telling him what _I_ wanted.

_He told me to let him go._

Even though it would kill what was left of me, I'd try to give him this one thing. I owed him that much. I refused to keep hurting him, and I hated that I already had.

So, I tried to figure out a way out. I couldn't ask him to move out of the apartment and give it back to me. I couldn't afford to get my own place either, and staying with James was not an option. I had no job, and no prospects. Though I'd always intended to work at Cullen Industries, I wasn't sure if that was plausible anymore. However, I was determined to find something to get me out of this mess.

I wasn't letting this hurt my daughter. Enough had been done already that she, thankfully, hadn't picked up on. Her age was a factor in that, but that wouldn't last for long. Edward and I would just have to figure out how to be polite to each other in front of her, and let her have a happy life with parents who loved her, though they weren't together. It happened all the time—we could make it work.

Wrenching the closet door open, I walked in and grabbed the dress I was planning to wear to lunch with Rosalie and Alice. Realizing that I actually needed their advice, I'd called and asked them to meet me. Alice seemed hesitant, and I couldn't figure out why since we'd always been so close. I guessed the strain in my relationship with Edward was taking its toll on everyone.

Truly, I hoped that Alice and Rosalie could help. I had to admit that for all of the times they'd dispensed _unwanted_ advice, I knew that they had my best interests at heart. I was sure they would be the ones could lend some light to my situation.

Taking one last look at myself in the mirror, I grabbed my bag and headed out to meet them, determined to make a plan that would piece my life back together, since there was no hope for my broken heart.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"I just feel like I don't belong anywhere," I stated, my voice barely above a whisper. Taking in the confused looks on their faces, I continued. "I mean, look at me—I'm a college graduate without a job, yet I don't _really _have to worry about money. I own a home with my husband, and I also own an apartment. An apartment that I used to share with my…what do I call him? My former fiancé? My ex-boyfriend? My former lover? My baby-daddy? I've screwed it all up."

I looked at them, hoping for answers that I knew wouldn't come. They stared back in silence, so I continued.

"Everyday_, before_, when I couldn't …when I just _needed _some time to myself, I could go to my apartment and feel…" I trailed off, taking a deep breath and trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words that didn't sound so melodramatic. "Secure," I finished, nodding my head. "Like it was my sanctuary—the place I could go and just _be_. I don't even have that anymore."

As Rosalie opened her mouth to speak, Alice touched her arm, silencing her. They shared a cryptic look before turning back to me.

"Go on," Alice stated simply.

"I called my dad, thinking I might like to go visit him for a bit, but he's got Sue living there now, so I, uh, you know, they need their time alone. I could go out to Port Angeles to visit Angela and Ben, but Gracie…she wouldn't want to leave. And I couldn't do that to Edward. All she can talk about is her daddy. How great he is. How happy she is that he's back from Heaven. I tried to explain it, but…"

Sitting at the table, I expected one of them to say something—anything. Both of them were always so full of advice and telling me how to live and what I should do. Their silence cast an eerie, uncomfortable air that I wasn't used to with either of them.

I glanced around the restaurant and noticed Victoria walking in, smiling and laughing with some friends. Realizing I hadn't seen her since Valentine's Day, I lifted my hand to wave at her, but Alice's arresting stare stopped me. I turned my attention back to them and whispered, "I feel like a selfish bitch. I don't have to worry about my husband; I know he is totally devoted to me. He loves my child, he loves me. I just—I just don't have anywhere to go. Any place to plug in and be _me_ for a little while. I need help, and I don't even know where to start."

Rosalie's expression curled into an incredulous sneer as she crossed her arms and scoffed at me. Once again, Alice quieted her with a look before turning to me, prompting me to keep talking.

"Honestly, I don't know what the hell that even means anymore. For years, for so long, I thought I wasn't me because I didn't have him. Now here he is. I've never lived in a world where Edward Cullen didn't…where he chose…"

Finally, Alice held up her hand. "Bella, just _stop_. We've heard enough. You don't know what you're saying. He _chose_?" She looked at me, flabbergasted. "You know I love you, but you are wrong, honey. My brother's been perfectly clear about his intentions all along. You're the one who's been holding all the cards this entire time. _You _are the one who chose."

"Look I …what?" I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. Surely they knew that I would never willingly lose contact with Edward, even if he didn't want me.

Rosalie leaned across the table, picking up my glass and finishing off my Pinot. "Bella, you can't have it both ways." She took an appraising look at me as I sat there, my mouth open in shock. "Don't look so surprised. Make up your mind, girl!"

I started to interrupt, but she held up her hand to silence me.

"You say that you have to figure out what to do about James, yet you have a big party to celebrate your anniversary. You tell Edward that you can't handle talking to him, then whine because he doesn't call you or won't see you." She huffed, narrowing her gaze at me. "Figure out what you want and _do something_ about it, Bella. But don't expect us to stand by and watch you self-destruct."

"What're you—I don't..." I sputtered. Unable to form a coherent sentence, I sat back in my seat and tried to collect my thoughts. Was that really what they thought of me? That I had purposely pushed Edward away and flaunted my relationship with James in front of him? I'd explained that Gracie wanted the party—hadn't I? They knew that Edward was the one who didn't want anything to do with me, didn't they?

They had to know that.

So I told them. Everything: almost sleeping with Edward and the epic fight that ensued. Fucking James, only to realize he wasn't who I needed. Edward throwing the dress that I was supposed to wear to our rehearsal dinner at me. And the resulting silence between us, which had lasted _weeks_. When I was done—out of breath and almost out of tears, both of them reached across the table, each taking one of my hands.

"Bella," Alice murmured, "you're so wrong, honey. I'm positive that Edward thinks that you said you wanted him to leave you alone."

"But how could he—" I paused, as realization dawned on me.

The phone call after I had left the apartment that night. I'd turned my cell off in the taxi, but couldn't remember turning it back on. When I'd turned it back on, there had been a slew of missed calls from the apartment, but I had been so disgusted by everything I had done that I chickened out returning them.

_James._

James had picked up the phone that night. He had spoken quietly, and I had assumed that it was one of my friends, or even his mother. But what if it wasn't?

Had he told Edward that I didn't want to see him or talk to him anymore? That was the only explanation. It all made sense now: how easily Edward had left me alone after that, when before he had insisted on us seeing each other as much as possible. The way he'd treated me the day he dropped Gracie off, the complete lack of communication—we'd never been able to stay away from each other before, had always talked through whatever issues we had.

The sudden jolt of knowledge left me sick to my stomach. Edward would only have stayed away if he thought that was what _I_ wanted.

And James had seen to that.

"Oh, God," I cried, feeling bile rise in my throat.

All this time I had worried about hurting him, about leaving him after he had been there for me in the worst of times. I had fought against what I wanted, tried to reason that Edward couldn't possibly want me after I had betrayed his memory, and James had only helped the chasm between us along.

And while I realized that most of the blame for this debacle lay at my feet, the fact that he would go over my head about anything concerning _my _daughter—no, _mine _and _Edward's _daughter—pissed me off to no end. He had no right to do that, and this farce had gone on too long. I was done.

Talking to Rose and Alice had given me a new perspective. I could have kicked my own ass for not doing it sooner. Still, this clarity helped, even if only to make me see my mistakes, and try to figure out a way to fix them. And fix them I would. A new future for Gracie, one much different from the one I thought we would have to accept, whirred into my head, giving me hope for the first time in months...years, even.

I was tired of too little, too late. I was smarter than that. It was time to do all that I could to give my daughter the best possible life she could have. My baby deserved it. I had done it before, and I would do it again. Only this time, I was doing it with wide open eyes, free of the veil of grief and loss.

No, this time I could see the murkiness in my path. And it was time to let fresh air inside.

Rosalie cleared her throat and looked at Alice for a moment before stating, "I think, if you were going to get off your ass and actually _do_ something about this..." She took another glance at Alice, who nodded. "…that you should do it _now_, Bella, before it's too late." And with that, she let go of my hand.

"You're right. I can try to fix this. I have to. What'd you…" I started to ask, but Rosalie just shook her head at me.

"You're running out of time," Alice whispered.

Jumping up from my seat at the table, I knew exactly what I had to do. There was only one way—he had to _see_ it to believe it.

"What will you do?" Alice questioned.

"I'm going to my apartment. He has to know—I _never_ stopped. But... oh! Al, your mom's bringing Gracie home," I said, shaking my head as I remembered that Esme was dropping Gracie off after their afternoon of lunch and shopping.

"I'll pick her up from Mom's," Alice informed me. "She can sleep over tonight."

That sounded like a good idea. If things went well, if me and Edward could finally sit down and talk through the huge mass of confusion between us, then we could go together in the morning to get Gracie. I would figure out the logistics later, with him.

"Thanks, both of you, you'll never know how much this means to me," I murmured, frantic to get to him.

"You can thank us by not fucking this up. Go!" Rosalie said, shooing me away with her hands.

With a final wave, I dashed out the door and to my car in the parking lot. Driving as fast as I dared, I made it home in record speed and tore through my house in a sprint. I lugged a chair into the corner of my open closet door, and stood on it to reach high.

A large envelope fell from the top of the box as I wrenched it from its place on the top shelf. I paused for a second, recognizing it. I shook my head, and kept going. Rosalie was right—I had to go to Edward before it was too late. As soon as both of my feet were firmly on the ground, I stumbled as fast as I could out of the room, clutching the box to my chest like a lifeline.

x-x-x-x-x

The drive to my apartment was short, my foot pressing the pedal harder than any daughter of a police officer had a right to. As I drove I thought about what I'd say when I got to him.

I would tell him how sorry I was, and how awful I felt for making him think that I ever wanted anyone the way I had always wanted him. I'd beg him to forgive me, and would promise anything for him to just hear me out. Showing him the contents of the box that was sitting safely beside me would remind him of everything we'd shared in the past. But, more than that, I hoped it would show him that I never forgot us, even when he was gone and I thought I'd lost him forever.

The box contained tangible proof that he was everything to me, and always had been.

Not caring whose spot it was or that my car could be towed, I pulled into the first parking space I could find. Grabbing the box, I quickly got out and walked over to the elevators. I grew more and more impatient with each passing second, continually pressing the button as if it would make the lift come faster.

_This is it._

The moment I'd been waiting for; the moment I could finally just—be honest, and tell him _everything_.

A huge smile stretched across my face as I hopped in the elevator and pressed the button to our floor. My foot tapped impatiently as it rose, and I tried to figure out exactly what I'd say when he opened the door.

_I'm so sorry. _No, that wasn't enough. _Please, forgive me. Let me in. _Begging, but if I had to grovel, then so be it. _I love you. I want you. Only you. _That was better.

_It's only ever been you._

Perfect.

The ping of the elevator alerted me to the fact that I'd reached my destination—finally.

Approaching the door, I took a deep breath and ran my hand over my hair in an attempt to smooth it. I almost laughed at myself—he wouldn't care that I looked frazzled. He'd just be glad we were finally in the same place at the same time. Shifting the box slightly, I rested my hand on my heart and took a deep breath before knocking.

I'd played out exactly what would happen when Edward opened that door a million times in my head on the drive over. I'd imagined every possible scenario—from him rejecting me and telling me to leave, to him pulling me in the apartment and barely having enough time to slam the door shut before ravaging me.

But never, not in a million years, was I prepared for what greeted me.

The door swung open, revealing not the man I had been hoping for, but a woman.

She was tall, and so, _so_ beautiful. Big, piercing blue eyes and layers of slightly rumpled strawberry blonde hair was the first thing I saw. I sucked in a breath as my eyes traveled down to long legs peeking out a white dress shirt.

...Edward's barely-buttoned dress shirt. I knew, because I had been the one to buy it. The tiny blue stripes were familiar—it had been the shirt he was supposed to wear to the rehearsal dinner. It had matched my dress perfectly.

That was all she was wearing.

The air in my lungs escaped in a harsh exhalation.

"Can I help you?" Even her voice was beautiful. Not fake, but sorta breathy and sexy.

"Um, I'm, ah…" Willing away the tears that sprang forth, I muttered, "I'm Bella."

"Oh, you must be Gracie's mom," she stated, smiling at me in a too-polite way.

And she was right. Yep. That's who I was. Just the mother of his child, who had hurt him time and again.

"Yes," I finally said. Did she notice the tremor in my voice? I'm sure did. "Is Edward—is he here?" I asked, hoping the answer was a resounding 'no.'

She opened her mouth to respond, but didn't get the words out. Just then, my greatest fears were realized as Edward came clamoring around the corner, dripping wet and wearing nothing but a towel.

"Bella? Thank God, I thought I heard your voice," he said, glancing at the woman and giving her a questioning look.

"I'm sorry," I whispered around a choked breath. I slid my eyes away from him, not wanting to see the evidence staring me in the face. I forced my eyes back to the sex-pot blonde instead. "Please forgive me. I didn't mean to intrude."

I didn't like the twinkle in her pretty eyes. I wanted to tear them out and feed them to her. Forcing the box into her hands, lest I do just that, I stepped away from the door. My breath came out in uneven pants as my arms wound around my torso.

"I... I... I have to go… I'm so sorry to interrupt."

I turned on legs that felt barely able to hold me up, crossing back to the elevator as fast as I could. I heard Edward's voice raise in the apartment, and the sound of it broke the last shred of stability I still possessed.

As I stepped into the elevator, finally letting the sobs escape. My mind was a chaotic mess of hurt and confusion, but mostly I felt stupid. I couldn't blame James for this one. It was me. I had only myself to blame for pushing him away.

Belatedly, and more than likely on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I realized that I'd at least gotten out part of what I had wanted to say. I had told him I was sorry. Twice even, apologizing for interrupting their show—I stuttered over the word, even in my own head—shower, too.

Once again, I was the master of too little, too late.


	16. Ch16: Stay With Me

**Chapter 16: Stay with Me**

***EPOV***

"What did you do? What the hell were you thinking?"

Tanya didn't say anything, and I rushed past her to the still-open door. The elevator was just closing as I stepped into the hallway; I didn't even have time to run and wedge myself in between the doors. I contemplated running after Bella again down the stairs, but I knew how that would go...and I was only wearing a towel.

I knew what it looked like, with me coming out of the shower and Tanya wearing my shirt. And I was sure Bella had jumped to the exact _wrong_ conclusion.

I'd wanted to talk to her for weeks now. The way I had blown up at her on her front lawn was nagging at me—I was mad, but I had been downright mean to her. And that wasn't fair. Miscommunication after miscommunication—it was a never ending cycle between us. It needed to stop.

I was so tired of running after her, but what else could I do? We had a child together, and we needed to sit down and discuss things like adults—if only for Gracie's sake.

I turned and walked back inside, slamming the door behind me. I began to pace. The normally soothing walls of my apartment felt like a cage, agitating me like the lions at a zoo. I stopped abruptly and thumped my hand against the wall, gesturing to the shirt she was wearing. "For the love of all that is holy, please tell me why the fuck you're wearing _that_?"

Tanya flinched back and that was the moment I noticed the tears streaming down her pitiful face. Fighting to keep the anger that was coursing through me at bay, I tugged on my hair in frustration. We'd get nowhere if she kept blubbering, and I needed to get to the bottom of this before I could even decide what to do about Bella.

I took a deep breath, harnessing my frustration as best I could. "I'm going to get dressed, Tanya. When I get back out here, you better have some answers for me."

Tightly gripping the towel, I treaded into my room, banging the door shut behind me. _She's gone._ Again. Judging by the anguished look on her face before she sprinted out the door, she wasn't coming back.

How many times could things get so epically fucked before I ran out of chances?

Shaking my head, I pulled on my jeans and walked back out to the living room, intent on finding out what the hell Tanya had been doing in my shirt.

"I'm waiting."

She stood there, wringing her hands and looking worse than I'd ever seen her. Thank God she'd changed back in to her own clothes. "Anth— Ed—" she stuttered out. "Edward, I...it was the only way?"

"The only way," I repeated, incensed. "Really? The only way for what_? _The only way for you to be sure that you ruined what's left of my life? What the fuck were you thinking," I yelled, too far gone to stop.

"Is that what you— you think I'm trying to ruin your life? My whole existence has been about you since the moment I laid eyes on you! This was the only way that _she _would see that you've moved on."

My mouth dropped open. I was utterly fucking stunned. Tanya had played me_. _ She'd done this shit on fucking purpose. Trying to gather my thoughts, I alternated between struggling to control my urge to smash something against the wall and gaping at her. Finally, I got my shit together enough to question her. "Is that what you think is happening here? That I'm _moving on_?"

She cringed. Just as she opened her mouth to respond, someone started pounding on the door. _Please let it be Bella. Please, please, _please_ let her have come back._ My face fell as I wrenched open the door.

"Rose?"

She strode into the apartment forcefully, pushing on my chest as she entered.

"What the fuck did you _do_, Cullen? I swear to God, you have rocks for brains."

"What'd you mean 'what did _I_ do'?"

Who did she think she was, coming into _my _apartment and accusing me? I hadn't done anything wrong this time, and I was sick of feeling like I was always to blame. And even if I had decided to move on, what business was it of Rose's? I was allowed to have a life—Bella certainly did.

"I just got off the phone with Bella." She looked at me, her gaze piercing and judgmental as my defensive stance turned to one of weariness. "Now do you want to explain what's going on? And what this _bitch_ has to do with it?"

"Well," I said, trying to buy myself time to find and explanation that I hadn't figured out yet myself. "She stopped by and saw Tanya…"

"And?" Rosalie inquired. "So she saw her, so what? There's something you're not telling me. Out with it, or I promise you I'll kick your ass into next week."

Looking her up and down, I had no doubt in my mind that she could do it—and not just because my brother would kick my ass if I even raised my hands to defend my face from her talons. She was pissed.

"Rose, I swear I had no idea what was going on. I was just getting out of the shower, and I heard someone at the door. When I came out, Bella was here and Tanya was wearing my shirt—and nothing else." I shot a look at my "friend", letting her know that I was not at all happy with her.

A look of exasperation crossed her face before she spoke, her voice low and steely. "Sorry, Cullen, I didn't catch that. Because what I think you said was that Bella saw you, in this room—naked, and that this _skank_ was wearing..." she paused, taking a deep breath and standing up tall, "_your_ shirt? I must've misunderstood you, because there is no way in hell you could've fucked everything up _that_ bad."

Though I knew it was wrong, I rose from my seat on the couch, my nose almost touching Rosalie's as anger emanated from me. "Last time I checked, Rosalie, this was my fucking apartment. Nothing's going on with me and Tanya, but if there had been—that'd be my business, not yours. And certainly not Bella's."

She scoffed. "Are you that dumb? She was coming here to—no, you know what? You. Fucked. Up. I don't have to explain _shit_ to you."

"Coming here to what, Rose?"

She shook her head, and though I knew that what I was saying was right, I also knew that being right didn't matter one bit. She looked at Tanya again, scoffed, and then turned back to me. "I'm not going to help you with this, not now."

She wasn't going to help? That was nice—she'd been such a help up until now, playing nice with James. "Since when have you been trying to help me, huh? What did you come here for, anyway? To rub it in my face that I'm such a dumb fuck? Well, then, mission accomplished. But you don't need to come traipsing over here to my apartment and—"

"Oh really?" she interrupted, tossing her hair over her shoulder and letting out a condescending laugh. "Because last time _I_ checked, this was _Bella's_ apartment. You really want to play it like that? This is your life and we need to butt out? Because if that's what you want, that's what we'll do. But don't come crying to me to when you show up and catch James fucking _your Bella's_ brains out. The girl can only take so much, and you're dumber than I thought. Asshole."

She was right, of course. Technically, this was Bella's apartment. I'd left her everything when I "died". If she wanted to, she could kick me out, though I seriously doubted she'd do that. She was upset with me, but Bella had never been vindictive. Now, thanks to Tanya, it was a definite possibility.

Thoughts of the look on Bella's face when she had shoved that box at Tanya flashed through my mind, causing a wave of nausea to roll over me. My sister-in-law turned to leave, and I grabbed for her elbow. "Rose, please."

Glancing over her shoulder at me, she seethed, "take your hands off of me Cullen, or the disease you probably got from this two-bit whore will be the least of your problems."

"I'm not fucking her, Rose," I stated, my voice barely above a whisper.

She paused, shooting an evaluating glance at me and then Tanya. Something in our faces must have made her finally believe, because she moved to the couch, pulling me after her.

"Thank God," she whispered to me. "There's something off about your friend there. I almost kicked your ass just for being so stupid. Forgive me?" At my confused nod, she began to speak louder. "Would someone please explain what the hell is going on here?"

Tanya's voice broke the awkward silence that had enveloped us. "Edward was in the shower when I heard the knock at the door. I knew it was the only way to get her to stop coming after him and focus on her own husband—that if she saw me in his shirt, if she thought we were together, she'd leave him alone."

Rosalie glared at her before turning her attention back to me. "See? What did I just say? _Off._ She's been nothing but trouble from the start. Someone who cares about you wouldn't be so destructive to you on purpose." She shook her head, before murmuring, "I think it's too late. I honestly don't know if you can fix this."

I could see why Bella would be pissed, but what would make this situation be the final breaking point? I stood up, and began pacing again. "That's stupid. I haven't been with anyone else, not even during the whole time I was gone. Even when I didn't know that Bella existed. She got married for fucks' sake! I hardly think she'd fault me for…"

Rosalie held up a hand, silencing me. "First off, blaming her for trying to move on with her life in whatever way she could is, quite frankly, idiotic. She thought you were dead, Edward. She tried to find something—anything—that would make her even a little bit happy. You _cannot_ fault her for that anymore than you can fault yourself for getting on that plane."

I paused, considering that briefly. She was right, but right now there were things that were more important at hand. I could think about that later.

Rose continued when I didn't speak up. "She isn't upset because she thinks you're trying to move on, too. Sure, she'd be upset about that, but she'd get over it. She would understand that. It's _here_, this place. She never even kissed James inside this apartment. This is her…" she paused, squinting as she struggled to find the appropriate words. "This _was_ her happy place, the place she felt closest to you."

With that, Tanya jumped up from her seat and hurled herself at me, wrapping her arms around my waist and crying into my shoulder. "Don't you see? I did it for you! All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy—for you to let me make you happy."

Standing there, I kept my arms to my sides, careful not to touch her. Rose was right. She was clearly insane, and I didn't want to encourage her affection any more than I already had. I wondered how quickly I could convince Kate or Garrett to come and get her. At this point, I'd find some way to charter a private jet if it got them here any sooner.

She continued to sniffle. "That's why I did what I did. That's why I've done everything. I knew that I could be the one to make you happy. From the moment I pulled you from the wreckage of that terrible plane crash—I knew God had sent you to me. You were like an angel, so beautiful, and I knew we were meant to be togeth…" She stopped abruptly when I took in a harsh breath.

All the color drained from my face as I gripped her arms and pulled her back to look at me. "What did you say?"

"I meant, uh…" She started fidgeting; wringing her hands faster than ever as her eyes darted around the room. Her face crumpled as her gaze met mine. "Edward, I'm sorry. It was the only way for us to be together."

"I don't...understand. My plane crashed. I...I didn't know what happened next." I turned to Rose, bewildered. "I just...I don't know. I assumed, once I got my memory back, that the car crash was coincidental, like I had pulled myself to the road and found a car and tried to get to help. I thought that, with how bad I had to have been, that I just wrecked and Tanya got there after that. I didn't think she knew about the plane."

It had seemed plausible, and was something I had thought about once I returned home and had unexpected time to myself. My family had asked me what happened back in Alaska, and I had no answers for them. At the time, I had just wanted to get back to Bella. Once I got home, though, it had crossed my mind a few times.

Admittedly, I had found it a strange thing, but I trusted Tanya. She was my friend and had nursed me back to health. I never thought she was lying.

The woods in that area of Alaska were well known for being populated by hunters and hikers. An empty car along the road wasn't unusual. The trauma alone seemed enough to me that I wouldn't remember the exact sequence of events.

All along, Tanya had spoken of happening upon a car wrapped around a tree, the twisted red metal of the frame pushed into unrecognizable shapes. I had been so out of it for months afterward that I'd assumed the police had taken care of everything else and left me to recover. And, at the time, I had figured it was my car that I'd wrecked.

There had never been a car. The police were never contacted. They would have put two and two together, and got me home before...

I would have been back before James could get his hands on Bella.

Pushing the crazy blonde away from me, I fell to my knees as the room spun, as my world spun on its axis. Tanya had known all along. She'd lied to me. She'd taken everything from me—my girl, my life, my daughter. On purpose.

Quickly running through every memory of my time in Alaska, I tried to remember any clue that what she was saying wasn't true. There was nothing. How could she do this? I'd had a family there. Had they all known and lied for her?

"Garrett?" I croaked out, questioning the authenticity of the relationship I'd had with the man who I'd come to think of as a brother.

"No, Edward. Only one other person knows. I couldn't risk it. I was going to tell you—I swear. I was just so scared of losing you. When you woke up and didn't remember _anything_, well, like I said, I thought God had sent you to me. You would've remembered your former life if you'd really wanted to."

My stomach rolled, a wave of sickness making me gag. Dazedly, I thought of that movie where the crazy lady kept her favorite writer locked in her house. Tanya hadn't broken my ankles to keep me there—no, she'd done something much, much worse.

She'd ruined my life.

The resounding smack that echoed throughout the room caught me off guard. I looked up to see a red-faced Tanya cowering in front of Rosalie. "You bitch," she seethed. "Get out now before I end your miserable excuse for an existence myself."

Tanya called out, extending a hand to me, "Edwa—" Her words were cut short as Rosalie grabbed her by her hair and drug her to the door. She literally threw her out into the hallway before shoving the door shut and locking it. She turned back to me.

"I know you need more answers, but I'm trying to keep myself out of jail for the night. If that girl knows what's good for her, she'll turn tail and run back to Alaska before Esme gets a hold of her. I pity anyone who brings the Cullen wrath down upon them." She shook her head and sank back onto the chair.

"Rose. I don't…I need a minute." I could hardly breathe. My chest was pounding, and I was gasping for air. My head was throbbing and my skin was being stabbed by tiny needles, like I was being plunged into an ice-cold abyss. I couldn't deal with this. Maybe I was having a heart attack. "Rose," I stuttered.

Her voice sounded distant as she called out to me. I think she helped me lie down, because I was definitely on the floor. My shirt was unbuttoned and something cold was pressed to my forehead. Finally I gave up and just let the darkness take me.

x-x-x-x-x-x

Awaking some time later to my brother's booming voice, I shifted slightly and realized that I was on the couch in my living room.

"You alright there? Scared the hell outta everyone," he muttered.

"Yeah. I'm alright. What happened?"

"Dude, you passed the fuck out," he said.

The night's events came back to me in a rush, and I started to get up. I had to get out of there. "Where's Bella?"

He pushed down on my shoulder, restraining me and keeping me pinned to the couch as I struggled against his grasp. "Calm down. We've tried to reach her; she didn't answer. Gracie Lou's with Mom. The plan right now, dickwad, is to bring you over to the 'rents, where she'll be coming to pick up the munchkin. You can talk to her then."

I stopped struggling and lay back on the couch, trying to relax. Fucking finally. I'd be able to tell her everything in just a little while. If I could just get her to listen, we could try to figure the mess we'd made out. Rose's words of warning came back to me.

Thinking back on all the things we'd said in anger over the past few weeks was hard, but it needed to be done. If we were going to sit down and figure out a way out of the mess our lives had become, I knew that I would need to approach with caution and level headedness. Flying off the handle wouldn't do any of us any good.

Though I honestly hated that Bella had moved on, I knew it wasn't unreasonable. People moved on after losing the person they loved all the time. I'd been holding onto the fact that I had never sought anyone else, but not giving thought to the reasons she would have. Was her trying to be happy really that bad of a thing? In retrospect, I didn't think it was. While I may have preferred that she chose anyone other than James, that really had nothing to do with her.

Stupidly, I had clung to my own hurt, lashing out at her when she didn't react the way I wanted. It was enough to push anyone away, and most especially Bella. She'd always been so sensitive, so easily hurt by harsh words. I'd always tried to be the kind of guy she would want, one who didn't yell at her for unreasonable things. With a mental shake, I realized I had acted exactly the opposite of that. My plans had been only to bring about a resolution I was happy with, and not taking her delicate state of mind into consideration.

I resolved to be that guy, the one I was before, and not the angry, insensitive asshole I had been acting like. We would figure out what our next step would be _together_, and I would do my damnedest to keep my own prejudices out of it.

About an hour later, Emmett and I were getting ready to head over to intercept Bella at my parents' place. Just as we were walking out the door his cell phone rang. Glancing at the screen, he looked at me and held up his hand, indicating he needed a few minutes to take the call.

"What's up Baby B- Baby?" His brow furrowed and I couldn't name the expression on his face when he looked up at me. If I had to put a word on it, I'd say it was panic. "Whoa. Hold on there, where are you? Are you alright?"

He gave me an uneasy smile as he started for the door, with me right on his heels. Placing a hand on my shoulder, he stopped me and shook his head. He held up his hand again and walked out into the hall, closing the door behind him.

Not knowing what the fuck was going on, I paced in front of the door like a madman. He finally came back inside after what seemed like eternity but in reality was probably only about a minute.

"Change in plans, my man," he said, thrusting his hands in his pocket and looking around the room—at everything but me. "Uh, Rose needs me to pick her up—she had a fender-bender. So Mom's bringing Gracie Lou here and Bells will pick her up from you. Okay, everything copacetic?" His speech was rushed and chopped. He was darting around the room, picking up stuff and setting it back down. I'd never seen him like that.

"Is everything—okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, man. She just—you know how shit gets to me. She's fine. Anyway, I'll see ya later. Stay here."

And then he was gone, leaving me alone to wait for my daughter. Bella was coming to me.

**x-x-x-x-x**

A small noise pulled me from my sleep. I felt groggy and disoriented as I realized that someone was knocking on my door. I swung the door open, expecting my mom and Gracie.

I was wrong.

I gaped for a moment, hardly able to believe that Bella was standing in front of me, and that I would finally be able to tell her what I should have said the second I walked back through the door.

_Be with me._

My gaze zeroed in on her arm, which was covered in a bright pink cast, causing me to fumble over the words I was trying to find. I wanted to know what happened to her, if she was hurt. But more than that, I needed to convince her to stay, with me.

"Bella," I began. My voice was rough from sleep.

She brushed her fingertips across my lips, silencing me. Her voice was low, barely above a whisper as she leaned toward me, closing her eyes and shaking her head slightly. "Just—tell me you want me."

How could this girl not know how much I wanted her, how she was everything to me?

"Of course I want you," I murmured. "I've never wanted anything else."

_Choose me._

She pulled back slightly and looked me in the eye for a few moments, seeming to take in the weight of my statement. As she took a deep breath, she leaned up on her tip toes and pulled me down to her with her good hand. Her lips pressed to mine, and it was like I could _feel_ her resolve as it slipped into place.

This was it.

Ever since I came back, I thought that Bella wouldn't be able to live with herself if she broke her vows by crossing the line and being with me. Unwilling to let her take on that guilt for me I tried to dictate the terms of our relationship. The only good that did was to make her think I didn't want her, that I didn't want to be with her.

If this was what it would take for me to show her that my life was worth nothing without her, then so be it.

Bending my legs slightly, I grabbed her waist and pulled her up to me. I'd waited so long to be here, to be with her. I felt…desperate. Her thoughts seemed to match my own as her movements became almost frenzied, crashing her lips back to mine and writhing against me.

Deepening the kiss, I tried to take more, to taste more, to feel more.

I kicked the door shut with the heel of my foot and spun us around, pressing her body against the door.

_Touch me._

It wasn't enough—my hands roaming over her skin, the sounds she was making, the way she was moving against me. I was unable to hold back as I rubbed myself against her, wanting to show her. She was all I'd ever wanted. Couldn't she feel it with every beat of my heart?

Taking a step back, I clutched her closer to me as I walked us down the hall. Her chest pressed against mine with each heavy breath she took. As my lips trailed across her jaw and down her neck, she cried out and tried to get even closer to me. Her scrambling limbs almost caused me to lose my balance.

Her hand came up to rest on my shoulder before she snaked it into the hair at the nape of my neck, anchoring herself to me and holding me tighter. We stumbled a few more steps down the hall and into the bedroom before I laid her down on our bed, taking care to set her down gently and not jostle her cast.

I opened my mouth to ask her what happened, but she hooked her legs around mine and pulled me over her. Using my forearms to brace my weight, I stared into her eyes. And there she was. My Bella looked back at me; not the dead, resigned look from before, but the eyes of the girl I had always loved. My questions could wait—stopping had hurt us before, and I wasn't willing to go through the heartache again.

Her fingers trembled as she reached out for the hem of my shirt, hesitant at first. She struggled to do it one handed before I got the hint and pulled the shirt over my head. She looked at me, her eyes full of longing and something else I couldn't describe. I grabbed her hand and put it on my chest, right above my heart, willing her to understand what I couldn't say.

_Feel me._

It was as if that simple movement lit a fire inside of her. She unhooked her legs, waiting until I moved back a little to shift herself up onto her knees in front of me. Her hands roamed across my skin as she kissed along my chest, up my neck, and finally my mouth. Her shaky breaths became more steady as she looked into my eyes and rubbed her nose along mine, steeling herself in us.

Her cast scratched my skin as she dipped her fingertips into the waist of my jeans. The slight smirk on her face wasn't enough to distract me when she starting yanking the buttons of my fly, and I grabbed her hand to stop her. Her brow furrowed for a second, and as her tongue peeked out to wet her lips, I leaned down to capture it in my mouth. Her taste was just _Bella_, sweet and perfect. The way she held me to her, like she was afraid I'd disappear if she let go, made me want to fuse myself to her forever.

We only broke apart for me to pull her shirt over her head and my lips were back on her tender skin, sucking along her neck, across the swell of her breasts, tasting her and taking in all that she would give me.

And that was everything. My fingertips trailed up and down her sweaty skin, feeling the indentations of her spine. As I tried to show her how much I loved her and wanted her with my touch, I felt her giving in to it—to _us_.

How could I have been so stupid? All Bella needed, all along, was for me to _show_ her; to _prove_ that I wanted her.

Deftly unclasping her bra, I moved to her shorts and unbuttoned them before guiding them over her hips and down her long, smooth legs. I kneaded her soft skin before latching onto her nipple and earning a quiet gasp from her. I bit down gently, turning to her other breast before trailing further down her body. As I dipped my head down to press my lips to the skin below her bellybutton, she tugged on my hair, forcing me back to her. She wanted me closer—we couldn't get close enough.

_Fuck me. _She shook her head and whimpered slightly, pressing her lips to mine and tightening her grip on me. She wasn't in the mood for foreplay—this had been a long time coming and she just wanted us to finally be together.

I almost felt like I was holding back tears when I looked into her eyes. Trust. Desire. Fucking beautiful.

_Love me._

Her breaths were my breaths as I hovered above her, touching every inch of skin I could reach, taking her in. I kissed the skin above her cast softly, trying to take her hurt into my own body and away from hers. As our eyes connected, I noticed she was crying. I did the only thing I knew that would make it better—I kissed the tears away and held on tighter. There was no way I would last long. It had been far too long, and I had to make it good for her first—before I ever got inside. She cried out, her fingers tight around my arm as I dipped my fingers into her, my thumb rubbing tight circles around her clit. She didn't have to say anything; I knew she was close. I could feel it in the way she held me tighter and almost stopped moving her hips.

Internally pleading with her to just let go, I kept up the movements of my fingers as I kissed along her skin, rememorizing the way she moved beneath my touch. Trailing my lips along her jaw, I couldn't hold back my smile when she trembled against me.

My teeth grazed her earlobe just before I whispered, "I want you. Can't you feel it, baby? Don't you know that you were _made_ to belong to me?" Tears streamed down her cheeks as she clenched around my fingers.

She sucked on my skin and moaned. She held my face with her free hand, and I could feel her mouth moving along my neck like she wanted to say something, hopefully to call out my name or tell me she loved me. She said nothing though, as if she didn't want any words being said. Our bodies were speaking for themselves.

It was enough for me.

Almost immediately, she pulled me on top of her, grabbing my ass and biting down on the underside of my chin, letting me know she was ready. I looked at her, trying to be sure that she was okay, that she knew there was no going back after this. Her shaky fingers went for my jeans. The pleading look she gave me was enough, and I brushed her hand away, yanking my jeans and boxers down. I pushed them off with my feet. I didn't want our bodies to be separated at all.

My eyes rolled back in my head as she wrapped her fingers around my cock and started stroking me, sending shocks of pleasure throughout my body. Grabbing her hand and entwining our fingers, I brushed my lips against hers as I slowly pressed into her, and I swear to God, the stars aligned.

...Or something sappy like that. Going without had turned me into a damn girl.

In truth, it was like no other feeling I'd ever had, even when we were kids. I couldn't get deep enough—I wanted, _needed_ more. She was just warm and tight and holding me and crying and matching my movements. It felt like coming home after a long, tired journey, but better.

_Infinitely better._

Panting breaths, moans of pleasure, and the pitch of our bodies moving together were the only sounds that reverberated around the room.

It didn't matter that I only thrust into her about four times before I lost my shit. She was still trembling and panting from the orgasm before. It didn't matter that it had taken us so long to get this moment. She was wrapped around me, holding on tighter than ever. It didn't matter that she had someone else's name attached to hers. She was mine, and always had been.

I dropped down, pressing my stomach against her warmth and kissing the skin above her heart. My hands ran up and down her thighs, kneading and loving with every pass.

I started to get up after a few moments, when our bodies had calmed, but she held me tighter and shook her head. Not wanting to crush her, I shifted slightly to my side and grabbed a pillow for her arm, propping the cast up and returning back to her side. I wanted to watch her fall asleep. It had been entirely too long since I had been able to do that.

She pulled me down though, resting my head on her chest and winding her arm around me. Wrapping my arm around her stomach, I held on to her and breathed in her sweet scent. Her fingers ran languidly through my hair as she pressed herself closer to me; her heart beat in time with mine under my ear. I knew we needed to talk, that things weren't all fixed now just because we'd had sex. But it could wait, for now.

Things were as they should be. We were finally together, and we had the rest of our lives to fix all the other shit. Not wanting to break the spell cast by our silence, I chanted my plea over and over in my head.

The last thought in my mind as I drifted off to sleep was how _right_ it all felt.

_Stay with me. _


	17. Ch17: Things We Should've Done

**Ch 17: Things We Should've Done**

***BPOV***

How did I get here?

Not just _here_, sitting in my car in the parking garage of the apartment building that I used to share with Edward, but _here_, in this situation.

What the hell had I been thinking all this time? Had I really tried to convince myself that I could survive without being with him? Did I really tell him that I was choosing _someone else_?

I was so fucking stupid.

Choking back the sobs, I wiped my face and tried to catch my breath. It shouldn't surprise me. Edward had every right to… No, I couldn't allow my thoughts to go there. Though I knew that it might happen at some point, seeing her _there_—like _that_—was worse than if he had walked up to me and punched me in the gut.

He couldn't wait anymore, and why should he? I gave him nothing to wait for. All of this was my entire fault. But, no more. I refused to be a victim of my own devices any longer. It was time I stood on my own two feet.

It was no wonder, with my endless doubts and insecurities making a mess of things that I had ended up the way I had. Yes, my situation was incredibly unusual, but I was smarter than that. It was time I started acting like it and stopped with the hand-wringing and indecision.

So, I pointed my car in the direction that I should've taken the moment I woke up after being with James and realized we had no future together.

I went to Cullen Industries.

Carlisle's grandfather, Alistair, had started the company and, because of a later rift with his son, left it to Carlisle, despite the fact that he had "broken the mold" and became a doctor. The company expanded and went public shortly after that, though Carlisle was not involved in its direct management. After marrying Esme and starting a family, he split up his stocks, giving a sizable portion of them to his children, but remaining the majority shareholder. Not long after Edward went missing, he stopped working at the hospital so much and started taking over more and more of the responsibilities at his company.

I'd always intended on using my MBA to work at Cullen Industries along with the rest of the family. It was a great company built on strong family values, but after Gracie was born, I just couldn't leave her. Really, I could barely leave the apartment, my one remaining link to Edward. Since my daughter would never have the benefit of having both of her parents, I thought staying home and focusing on her was a better choice for both of us.

The buzz coming from the receptionist's desk sliced through the quiet atmosphere of the waiting room. "He's ready for you now, Mrs. Bremner," Gianna said brightly.

"It's just Bella," I stated, my shaky voice betraying the confidence I wanted to display.

Walking down the hall toward his office, I took a deep breath and tried to come up with exactly what I would say when I got in there. How did you ask someone to help you put your shell of a life back together?

I was at a loss until the door swung open to reveal the man who'd always been a second father to me. As he smiled and pulled me into the safety of his arms, I collapsed against him. Finally after several moments passed, I pulled back and sighed, "Hi, Carlisle."

A questioning look crossed his face as he led me to the couch on the far side of his office. "Bella, what is it? Come, sit down."

"I don't even know where to start," I said, tears streaming down my face.

He looked at me for a long moment, his eyes full of concern. "I find in most situations, the beginning is the best place to start."

So I did. I told him everything: the overwhelming feeling of shock when Edward came home, so much so that my ability to make rational decisions was paralyzed. The sense of obligation I felt to James and how much of an impact his relationship with Gracie had steered me into not following my heart. The realization that I couldn't live the lie my life had become anymore. And how, when I finally figured out what I needed to say and do to make everything right, I'd been too late.

Like he always did, Carlisle sat attentively as I poured my heart out. He waited until I was finished before reaching in his pocket and handing me his handkerchief. "Sweetheart, I want you to know that I'm always going to be here for you." He paused before continuing, hugging me to him. "Esme and I both support you without question—you know that. We love you _and Gracie_ very much. I know that she and I have stayed out of things, and we only do it so as to not be intruding. I hope you know that."

"I know that, and it means more to me than you can understand." It actually really did. My life was in such shambles, my decisions so utterly wrong, that not having to face up to Esme and Carlisle had been a relief. I understood, now, why Alice and Rose, and even Emmett, had stayed (relatively) out of it until earlier: it had more than likely been a topic of discussion between the Cullen's.

They were letting us work things out on our own, and staying as far away from the mine field as possible. I couldn't blame them—if it weren't my own life in turmoil, I would have stayed away, too.

He seemed to deliberate for a moment. Finally, he spoke. "I'm going to be blunt here, but I don't understand what you want me to do, Bella. If you need legal representation, all you have to do is ask. Or, if you would like me to speak to Edward..."

I gasped, not wanting him to have the wrong idea. The idea of him mentioning any of this conversation to Edward made me physically ill. This was all me, and he deserved to be happy without feeling guilty about it. "No. I mean, yes. Wait." I stopped, taking a deep breath and a moment to gather my thoughts. "No, I do not want you to talk to Edward about this—_any of it_. I will need legal representation, but to be honest, I haven't even thought that far ahead. What I really need from you, Carlisle, is a job."

"A job? I don't understand," he asked.

Nodding my head, I explained. "Yes, the intent behind my MBA was always to work here at Cullen Industries. There's an in-house daycare, so it's a win/win for me."

Carlisle placed his hand on mine, silencing me. "Please, understand that you always have a job here, if that's what you really want. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that the reason that you didn't come to work here was because you wanted to stay home with Gracie. Have you changed your mind?"

"No, I love staying home with her, but that isn't financially feasible for me any longer."

"Why is that, Bella? Are you in some sort of financial trouble?"

"No," I mumbled uneasily, "not unless you account for the fact that I have none." I hated looking like I was asking for a handout, especially from Carlisle. Working there had seemed like the best option, though. I had the degree to back it up, and being able to be close to Gracie, to see her whenever I got the smallest urge, was comforting.

His voice was laced with concern. "How can that be? I know that Edward left everything to you when he…"

Shaking my head, I stopped him from pulling our conversation into reliving _that_ particular black point of my life. I knew I couldn't handle it. "That's all still there, but that's Gracie's money."

"No, Bella, that's _your_ money. Some of it was set aside to be divided between any future children that the two of you might have, and you're right, that's hers. The rest of it, however, was left to you. When Edward returned, each of us bought out public stocks so he could take ownership in the company without compromising your situation in any way."

"I don't…what? _Each _of you…" I trailed off, still unable to understand what he was telling me. For not meddling, they certainly had done a lot behind the scenes...

"Yes, that's right. None of us—Esme, Emmett, Alice, nor I—wanted financial concerns to contribute to any decisions that you made. We didn't want you to feel like you didn't have options, if you wanted them. You retained ownership of the stocks that Edward bequeathed to you and, as a result, are not financially dependent on _anyone_."

"That's not—that's not right. Why would you give up your stocks for _me_? I understand giving them to Gracie. But to me? I'm just…"

"Just the girl who has been like our daughter for almost her entire life, as well as the mother of our only grandchild," he stated. "For the record, we didn't give up our stocks to _you_—we gave them to Edward. He left _everything_ to _you_."

I took a deep breath, unable to wrap my mind around the logistics of everything. Carlisle, however, seemed resolved, so I decided not to press the situation. Not yet, at least.

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

"I have to move out. My name's on the paperwork for the house, but James pays for everything. I just don't know what to do about that. I've always had the apartment, but that's not really an option right now. I'm not sure where we can go, but I know I can come up with something."

Though he had just admitted to wanting to stay out of it, I didn't want Carlisle to feel pressured to offer his and Esme's home to Gracie and me. That would be so wrong on so many levels; and completely unfair to Edward, too. There were plenty of nice hotels in the Seattle area, and one of them would be fine until I figured out what, exactly, to do.

"Well, if you're serious about leaving, you'll obviously need a lawyer," he sighed. "You do know that you can afford a new apartment, Bella. I think that the best solution, though, is to ask Edward..."

"No!" I exclaimed. "I don't want to go back there—I _can't_."

He looked sympathetic as he patted my shoulder. "Actually, I think the first thing you need to do is talk to him. He's given us no indication that his relationship with Tanya was intimate."

"That was Tanya?" I gasped. I knew practically nothing about the woman who had saved Edward's life, apart from the fact that he said that they had never been intimate. _Looks like things had changed._

Perplexed, he took a moment before answering me. "I think so, by your description of her. Regardless, I think you and my son need to talk." He looked at me meaningfully for a moment before clearing his throat. "If you don't want your apartment back, you're more than welcome to stay with us until you find something suitable."

"No, I can't do that, either. I don't want Edward to feel uncomfortable bringing…going over there."

Carlisle nodded before getting up and walking to his desk, where he picked up a small book and thumbed through it. Leaning over the desk, he wrote something on a small slip of paper. He brought it over to me and placed it in my hand with a sad smile. "This is the name and number of our realtor." He indicated the name and number at the top of the paper. "Demetri has a knack for tracking down the perfect property every time. And _this_," he gestured to the other number, "is my lawyer. He's an old friend of the family and will be incredibly discreet." He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. "Bella, _please_. Please talk to him."

Tears welled in my eyes as I thanked him and left his office, headed for my former home with my almost-former husband.

x-x-x-x-x-x

As I entered the house and walked toward my room, I was thankful that I'd asked Esme to keep Gracie for the night. Though I wasn't expecting James to return from his trip before I left and checked into a hotel, I didn't want her to be around when we had the conversation that would eventually _have to_ take place.

Making my way back into my closet, I noticed the pile of papers that littered the floor. They must have fallen when I grabbed the box earlier. As I leaned down to pick them up, I saw James' envelope. I'd meant to tell him about it, but I had all but forgotten about it. Apparently, it had opened during the fall. Now, a paper lying on top caught my eye.

As I picked it up, the air swirled around me, thick like a blanket that threatened to smother me. I sank to my knees, utterly stunned.

_This can't be right. There has to be some mistake._

I couldn't stop my hands from trembling as I pulled the sheet of paper from the stack, trying to make sense of what I was looking at. I read over the words once, twice, and then again. I took a deep breath, preparing to flip the paper over to see what else it held.

_James has been lying to me all along._

The paper underneath it all but confirmed it.

"Oh, god…"

Flinching back at the sound of his voice, I scrambled to my feet and held the papers up in front of me, silently willing him to explain how this could have happened, how this could be real.

"It's not…Bella, it's not what you think," he said, his voice pleading. The anguished look on his face let me know that it was indeed true. And that my entire life with him had all been a lie.

I was going to be sick.

The fact that he had kept such an important fact from me made me feel ill. If he hadn't, this entire mess might have been avoided, or at least not so dismal. It felt like the worst kind of betrayal. Things would have played out so much more differently if I had known about the information in my hand.

I had to get out of there.

Unable to speak, barely even able to breathe, I was lightheaded. As I attempted to rush past him, he reached out and grabbed my arm. His grip felt as slimy as snake skin as I tried to escape his hold on me.

"Baby, just—just _listen_ to me for minute. I can explain…_please_."

My shaky voice belied the confidence I wanted to show as I looked at him, incredulous. "_Explain?_ James—how could you even begin to explain this?" With my heart thundering in my chest, I shook my head to clear the fog that pressed down on me. "How could you do this?"

He stepped closer to me, eyes pleading and desperate as he tried to wrap his arm around me, to hold me to him. "_Please_."

"_No_. Let go of me," I asserted as I pushed back against his chest, wrenching away from the firm grip he had on me. Stumbling back, I tripped over the chair that I'd left in the middle of the floor. A sharp pain seared through my arm as I fell and tried to catch myself. I cried out, hardly able to bear the pain or hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

"What have you done?" I screamed.

All the color drained from his face. He seemed to turn to stone before my eyes as he took in my position and the way I held my arm protectively to my chest. "I didn't mean to...you know I'd never hur-"

That wasn't even what I had meant, but I didn't care. Let him think it was—he'd done more than enough to be sorry for.

Scrambling upright, I gained momentum and ran from the room, clutching the paper and my arm to my chest. I dashed into Gracie's room and quickly locked the door as I threw myself against it.

With shaking hands, I reached into my pocket for my phone and scrolled through the contact list. Finding the number, I pressed send, silently praying that it was him that picked up.

"What's up Baby B- Baby?" he answered almost immediately.

I cut him off. "I… I need your help." I begged. "Please."

"Whoa. Hold on there, where are you? Are you alright?" He sounded panicked. His voice was muffled and I heard a door close before he whispered, "What's going on?"

"I'm sorry, but I need you to come get me." My voice choked on a sob, a low whimper escaping from my mouth. My wrist, already in agony, screamed in protest as I accidentally brushed it. I was sure it was broken. Badly.

"What's wrong? Where are you?" He sounded frantic, and I could hear keys jingling in the background.

"I'm at my house," I whispered.

"Stay right there. I'm coming to get you."

I hung up and pulled the sheets of paper in front of me. There, amidst the official-looking seal and fancy lettering was Laurent's name in black and white, along with a date.

_The wrong date_: July 8, 2008.


	18. Ch18: Scattered Pieces of Who I Am

**AN: This chapter is dedicated to ekels. SingleStrand. Whatever the eff her name is on here.**

* * *

**Ch 18: Scattered Pieces of Who I Am**

***EPOV***

I woke up the next morning happy. Drawing a deep breath, I couldn't help the goofy smile that stretched across my face.

_Her scent is everywhere._

I wasn't stupid—last night didn't mean that we didn't still have a lot of shit to work through, but I could finally relax. And have hope. We'd figure this mess out, finally…together.

Turning on my side, my hands skimmed across the cool sheets as I reached to pull her close to me. She wasn't there.

Rubbing the heel of my hand across my eyes, I got up, grabbed my jeans from the floor, and went to look for her. Still in a state of bliss, I checked the bathroom first, but it was empty. Figuring that she must have already been up to make coffee, I poked my head into the kitchen. Empty, too. With a rising dread, I checked the living room and then Gracie's room.

She wasn't in the apartment.

Looking around for a note, I tried to convince myself that maybe she had slipped out to grab some coffee. Or maybe even a newspaper. But I knew better than that.

She was gone.

Sinking to the floor, I thumped my head against the door a few times. I thought we were past the running. After what happened the night before, after finally giving in and being together, I thought we were over all the bullshit. I couldn't believe that she left.

What had she said when I was moving inside her? She had wanted it too, didn't she? I tried to remember anything she had said, but came up with nothing. She'd been so quiet, so desperate. Was she trying to say goodbye, and I had mistaken it for what I wanted it to mean? Why did she leave me again?

Sick of the bullshit, I got to my feet and walked to my room to grab a shirt and my shoes. I was done waiting patiently for her to figure out what I already knew. I wasn't waiting for her to get it together anymore. It was time for me to go after her and fight to get my life back.

We'd been through so much together, in such a short period of time. Trying to adjust had been hard for me, but I couldn't imagine what it had been like for her. Her entire life had been upturned in just six weeks. In some ways, it seemed surreal to me that I'd only been back that long, but in others, it felt like a lifetime.

I didn't think she would go back to _his_ house, and I had no idea where to look for her. After a few failed attempts at calling her, I figured my brother was my best bet to finding her quickly.

What I wasn't expecting, though, was my sister-in-law to pick up his phone. "Rosalie?" I croaked out, suddenly ashamed for not calling to check on her sooner. "God, I'm such an ass. How are you? Were you hurt, too?"

"You'll get no arguments from me—you are an ass." I could picture her sneering at. _Bitch._ "But what are you talking about?"

"Uh…the accident?" I asked. Why did it sound like a question? Unless…

I hadn't really asked what had happened to Bella's arm the night before. Now, though, my brother's strange behavior and the way he answered the phone were a little suspect. Had James...?

_I'll kill him. _

"Are you there? Are you even listening to me? _What accident_?"

"No. Look, my mistake. I'm sorry," I said. "Just tell Em to call me, alright?" I hung up without waiting for her reply.

X-X-X-X-X

The drive was shorter than I remembered. I left the car running and the door open as I bounded up the front steps and started pounding on the door.

James opened the door, grumbling. "What're you doing here?" As he looked at me, I couldn't help notice the resignation that was written all over his face. He knew it was over. His eyes narrowed as he spat out, his voice laced with venom, "She told you, didn't she?"

"Told me what?" I asked, surprised at his tone. "Look, I'm not playing any more games with you, fucker. When I woke up this morning, she was gone—"

"Gone? _This morning?_ She was with you last night?"

I nodded. I was baiting him, but I didn't care at this point. It was time for this hassle to be gone, once and for all. "She'll be with me, from now on, every night."

I knew I deserved it when he punched me in the face, but _fuck_ that hurt.

I stumbled backward, thrown off by the surprising force behind James' fist. Cupping my jaw in my hand, I looked up at him and wanted to wipe the shit eating grin off of his face.

"You're going to regret that," I promised.

Moving quickly, I tackled him, satisfied with the thump his head made against the door. I drew my fist back, clocking him in the eye.

James was smart though, always had been, and he used my precarious position of half leaning, half crouching over him to wedge his knee between mine and flip me over. His fist connected solidly with my lip, and I spat blood.

"Fuck you, Cullen," he growled, landing a punch to my kidney.

All I could see was red. I was going to end him.

All of my rage, anger, and frustration from the past few months surged through my veins, leaving me deadly calm and detached. I grappled with his shoulders, rolling him under me and driving my fists repeatedly into his mouth, his eyes, and his nose. Barely able to feel the injuries that he inflicted on me, I didn't stop when blood started to pour from his wounds or when I felt his fist connect with my nose. It only made me more savage.

Taking my aggression out on the one person who actually deserved it, I kneed and pummeled him until we both dropped to the ground, winded and gasping for breath.

Over James' grunts of pain, I heard sirens in the distance. The neighbors must have called the cops. Fucking great.

X-X-X-X-X

Holding my head in my hands, I tried to block out the environment around me. My jaw felt like it had been knocked onto a brick building, over and over. I was sitting in a holding cell. In a fucking jail.

Time seemed to creep by and lost all meaning. The hallway in front of the room that I was sitting in was vacant except for a few officers wandering by every so often. I demanded to make my phone call anytime someone was within earshot. I wondered if his call was to her. Would she come for him?

What would Bella think when she found out what I had done? I hoped James was in worse shape than I was right now, that he felt every sore spot I had given him. My thoughts felt incoherent and vague, jumping from one topic to the next like skittering bugs when a light bulb is turned on.

I had to believe that was all behind us. Or on the way to being behind us. That we could still fix it.

The clicking of heels on the tile floor alerted me to someone's presence. "I'm an attorney—I get a phone call," I practically screamed.

"Your call has already been made for you," the officer stated.

"What?" I questioned frantically. Just as I got the words out of my mouth, Charlie Swan appeared.

Stunned for a moment, I recovered quickly. "They called _you_?"

He smirked at me. "Who else would they call when my almost son-in-law and my _actual_ son-in-law get into a brawl on the front lawn in a respectable neighborhood." He looked at me, his expression growing serious. "They owe me, so they're not gonna book you."

"They're not? Jam- he isn't pressing charges? I slept with—"

He held up his hands, silencing me. "Don't need any of those details, boy."

I understood. I hadn't meant to blurt that out anyway. "Where is she?"

His stare remained steadfast, constantly appraising me. "I think you already know the answer to that, if you think about it for a minute."

I shook my head. If I had known where she was, I sure as fuck wouldn't be sitting in a jail cell. I laughed and asked, "They're going to just let me go?"

Charlie scratched the back of his head awkwardly before nodding at me. "Well, sort of. You've been remanded to _my_ custody for now, and I will let you go. On one condition."

I knew what that condition would be. And no way in hell would I agree to it. "I'm not going to stay away from her."

"Oh, I know." He chuckled, before leveling his stare at me again. "I'm not asking you to. All the times I caught you two when you were teenagers, I know that's a lost cause. I'll let you go get your girl, Edward, after you give me my time."

"Time, sir?" What the fuck was he on?

"Yep. Right this way," he said as he motioned toward the door.

He led me to a conference room that was usually reserved for attorneys to meet with their clients. As the door swung open, I saw James sitting at the table, shoulders hunched with his head in his hands.

"What the fuck, Charlie?" I asked, enraged that he would bring me into the room with him.

"Watch your language, boy. I have no doubt that you can get out of this, but if you love my daughter, and yours too, son, you'll have a seat and listen."

There was no need to argue with Charlie when he was like this, but I wasn't just going to bend over and do what he said. "Why?" I asked indignantly.

His face softened. "Because you're the only one she'll listen to. And she'll regret it if she doesn't."

The only time I'd seen him look so serious was the night he caught Bella and me in the Cruiser. Though it was one of the hottest experiences of my life, I wasn't sure I'd make it outta there alive. Charlie hadn't asked me for much, so I figured I owed him. Plus I couldn't leave if he wouldn't let me. I nodded.

"Go ahead, J. Tell him everything—this is probably your only chance," he stated simply.

"Whoa, _chance_?" I held up my hand. "I'll listen because I respect you, sir," I said nodding to Charlie, "but there is no way in fuck that I'm helping him keep Bella. This shit is done."

"I know it is. More than you can possibly comprehend." James' voice was barely above a whisper and he looked so despondent. As he started talking, his face morphed to anxious. "You have to know that I never planned this. I wasn't after her when we were in college. Knowing how much you meant to her has been hell. I _knew_ she'd never look at me the way she looked at you. No amount of time would change that."

"Then why did you—"

"Emmy." He cut me off. "Don't get me wrong. I love Bella, more than you'll ever be able to appreciate, but _Emma-Grace_? She's my whole heart." He hit his clenched hand on his chest, over his heart as his voice choked up.

I got it. He'd been there for my daughter, from day one. It was impossible not to adore Gracie. It didn't matter, though. He should've known better. "James, you just don't _do_ that. You don't move in on another guy's girl. You were my _best _friend."

He nodded sadly. "I know. And it didn't start off that way. Everyone was looking for you—we all thought you'd be found, that you'd come home." He leaned back in his seat and continued. "I was there at the apartment, watching the reports, waiting every second for the news that you'd been found—just like she was. She was deteriorating right in front of everyone's faces. But no one saw her. No one paid attention to the fact that she hadn't eaten, hadn't slept, that she looked….like a zombie."

"We were all looking for you, and dealing with it in our own ways." Charlie said solemnly, his voice laced with regret.

James nodded and continued. "She tried to keep up a front in front of everyone. Look strong and have a positive outlook. The day they called off the search was the worst day of my life. Well, until this past Valentine's Day."

"Valentine's Day?" I questioned, unable to make the connection. Charlie cleared his throat, prompting James to continue.

"She was nearly catatonic for weeks. Everyone else was grieving, too. You have to know how devastating it was for _all of us_. She stayed in bed, only getting up when Emmett would come over and feed her and practically force her take a shower. I came by as often as possible, wanting to do anything I could—not for her, _not really_. For you. We'd been friends for a long time, and I knew she would've been your greatest concern. I told her about the trust you had set up for her, but it was more than that. She started to rely on me because she didn't' want to bother your family."

Running my hand through my hair, I sighed. "My family would have—"

"Yes, they would have," he interrupted. "And they did. But you know Bella. She's not one to ask anyone _for anything_. Your family tried to move on," he said, looking at me in the eye. "They didn't want her to be sad, either. I was the only one she didn't have to put up a front for. She could laugh about some of the stupid shit you did or cry or throw things. We could remember you and not feel guilty about bringing up our memories of you. She didn't have to worry about my reaction. It didn't' matter to her what _I_ thought of her wearing your stupid football jersey day after fucking day."

Charlie cleared his throat.

James continued. "When she found out she was pregnant, it was…well, it was hard. She was so happy that she would always have a part of you, but she was scared as fuck and felt like she was alone. She was worried your family would be upset since you weren't married."

"That's ridiculous," I said.

He nodded. "Of course. They were ecstatic. Gracie is _the reason_ your family made it through your disappearance. She gave them—hope." He took a deep breath and rubbed his hands over his face before continuing. "So, just like always, Bella didn't want them weighed down with her apprehensions about being a single parent or her anxieties without you. You've always been there, through _everything _with her. So I started picking up the slack, and she let me because she didn't want to be a burden to them."

He smiled, remembering the past. "She was always beautiful, but you know what they say about pregnancy and what it does to some women. She was stunning. You have no idea." I felt a pang of jealousy rip through me as he continued. "She let me help take care of her and rub her feet and shit like that. I did it because _you_ couldn't be there to do it, and it was the least I could do. It was like, do what I can because you would have done it for me. Over time, we got closer, and _before you give me that look_, it wasn't even like that. We were friends—that's it. And then the baby was born. And man, I was in love."

A stupid grin crossed his face as he shook his head. "She was perfect, and I just wanted to be around her all the time. At first, your family was always there, doting on her, so I stepped back. Even though I saw her a couple of times a week, I missed her. I missed my connection to you."

"After a few weeks, things started to go back to normal. They went back to their lives. They saw her and talked to her and came by to check on her, but I guess that it was really hard for them." He looked at me imploringly. "Edward, she looks just like you. She did, right from the start. Anyway, we spent so much time together. Bella never hesitated to point out shit that Emmy would do that was like you. Our friendship wasn't forced, it just _was_. About a year later, Alice got it in her head that Bella needed to do something besides stay in your apartment or go on play dates with her baby. So she set Bella up with some guy. She didn't want to go, but she didn't want to disappoint your sister. So, I offered to keep the baby, to keep her mind off of at least that. I was a nervous wreck that night, pacing and just—_crazy_. That's when I realized that I could love her—that I _did_ love her."

My fist involuntarily tightened, and it was all I could do not to throttle him onto the table. He had taken advantage of her when she was vulnerable.

"She walked back through the door less than two hours later and promptly just..._burst into tears_. I held her while she cried and told me how _wrong_ it was, how she didn't want to be with anyone else but you. I told her she didn't have to—she was fine right where she was."

He looked at me, practically pleading for me to understand. "Right at that moment, when she looked at me—I _knew_. I knew I'd never be enough—I'd never be you. But you _weren't fucking coming back_. And I'd be damned if I would let that girl sit there and...waste away over a _ghost_. As much as I wanted her to be totally in love with me, I'd rather have something from her than nothing. I wanted her. I wanted Emmy. And I know now that I manipulated the situation to get what I wanted."

Rage washed over me and I started to get up when Charlie put his hand on my shoulder, silencing me. I'd almost forgotten he was in the room.

James shook his head and continued. "Not like that. I told you I _love_ her. I just wanted her with me. So anytime someone asked her out or when one of your dipshit friends tried to reminisce with her, looking for an 'in', I reminded her about how awful it was for her, going on that date. How she shouldn't put herself through that. I brought her flowers and presents and took her to the fucking ballet. I never told her how I felt, but I would innocently hold her hand and wrap her hair around my fingertips, like you always used to do. Not because I wanted to be you—I knew that would never happen."

He laughed. "Because I'm an awesome fucking guy. I wanted her to want _me_. She had to make the first move, though. It had to be her call because I wasn't willing to lose her. I needed to be with her, with both o f them. A few months later, we were at your apartment, watching some crazy ass movie, where this dude dies in a war and the girl hooks up with his brother." He noticed my apparent frustration and laughed bitterly. "His dad wasn't happy and, really, neither was she. I think she might have offed herself in the end."

I blew out a breath. _What the fuck was he talking about?_

"I don't even know why I'm telling you this, but anyway, when the movie was over, Bella got this –_this look _on her face and she grabbed my hand and the baby monitor and pulled me into the hallway. I didn't know what the hell was wrong with her. Just when I was about to ask her what the fuck was going on, she surprised the shit out of me by kissing me. It was awkward as hell and I kept chanting '_this is Edward's girl, this is Edward's girl' _in my head. No matter how much I wanted her, I knew it was wrong."

Why was he telling me this? Was he seriously so fucked up that he thought I wanted to hear about him kissing Bella?

He kept talking. "But it was sweet, too, you know? She was trying. She wanted to be happy. And fuck, she deserved it. So I started thinking '_this could be my girl_.' When she pulled back, she had tears in her eyes and she told me she would try, but that she'd never be able to give me everything. I told her she could be happy—that I could make her happy. And for a few months, I did."

He breathed deeply. "It was slow and our relationship was like a stack of cards. I was always worried it would just fucking _crumble_ down around us. But, even your parents said they were okay with it. I got to see her—_both_ of them, every day. After awhile, I asked if she'd ever want to get married, and she said 'no.' I begged her, for lack of a better word, for months, to _think_ about it. Bella and Emmy were my life, and I wanted us to be a real family."

His expression changed as a broad smile crossed his face. "Anyway, I'd been asking Bella about getting married. When she finally relented and said that she'd think about it, I got us a marriage license, telling her that I wanted to be prepared in any case. I bought a ring, thinking that maybe she wouldn't say no when she saw how serious I was about it. Last year, on the Fourth of July, we were having a party at my house. Some of our clients were there, which is probably the reason your parents were there. They supported us, but I could tell it felt wrong to them. I get that. It felt like a dream to me."

"She had on a pretty little white sundress, and I joked with her that it was perfect for us to get married in. She started to get upset with me when your father told her that they would support whatever decision she made. Well, needless to say, that shocked the fuck out of me. Your father basically gave us his blessing."

Who was he trying to fool? My father would never have said that to her. I stood up. "You lying fuck. There's no way…"

"It's true, Edward," Charlie muttered. "He told me that he did tell Bella that when she was ready to move on, they would support her."

I couldn't believe it. My own father had encouraged her? No wonder she was so _lost_.

James continued. "That did it. She jumped up right then and said, 'Fine, let's do it. Right now.' I was _stunned_. I asked her if she wanted to have a wedding, and she told me that she'd already planned a wedding that never happened. '_Why not live life in the moment?_' She pointed at my buddy, Laurent, and told him to get an Officiant's License online as she was calling up your sister and telling her to pick up a cake on her way over. I don't think she even told her why."

He looked heartbroken, and honestly I couldn't blame him. His dream girl said 'yes' and then didn't give a shit about it.

He smiled sadly. "She didn't want to wait long enough for my parents to get there. When I asked her if she thought it was a little fast, she laughed and said 'you beg me every day to marry you. I'm saying yes _now_. It's now or never'."

"So, I chose now," he whispered.

"We got married and things were …difficult. She had a hard time moving out of your apartment and into my house. She wouldn't get rid of the apartment, wouldn't stop going there. She wouldn't even talk to me about having another baby. Things were better when I didn't push her to prove that she wanted to be with me. I always hoped that as more time went by, she'd heal more and miss _you_ less and could just fucking _be _with me."

He stopped. The silence stretched on as he picked up the drink in front of him and gulped it down. Just as I was about to tell him to get on with it, he spoke again. "And then Valentine's Day happened. We went to dinner with Laurent and his girlfriend. He gave me an envelope and told me to take a look at it later. Bella just thought it was some business dealings. When I opened it, I was shocked."

He looked at Charlie, his expression pleading. Charlie just stared back. After a few moments, James continued. "Laurent's Officiant's License was there, revealing the date his license became valid. On July the sixth. _The sixth_. He didn't know that it wasn't valid right away. It took two business days. Which means…"

We spoke at the same time.

"You're not married?"

"Our marriage isn't legal."

I sat there, completely fucking stunned. _How could this even be possible?_ "How could you do this to her?"

"You were still dead, Edward! I knew if I told her about it, she'd see it as some kind of sign. If I was crazy in love with Emmy before, that was nothing in comparison to what it was like for me _living_ with her every day. With both of them. Bella is amazing, and I knew, man, I just knew that if she would just give in and let me have her, we could be so happy. I could make her happy." His voice escalated. He seemed to be crazy.

"And then you came back. And I know—I know the right thing to do would have been to tell her then. But I couldn't, Edward. I just…_I couldn't_. I knew she was going to leave me. I could feel it in the marrow of my bones, but then, something happened."

"What happened?" I asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"She came to me. When you came back, I went to my parents' house. I needed time to get my shit together. My whole life was crashing down around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. But _she_ followed _me_. She promised that she would try. That she wanted _me_, she was choosing _me_."

"And you still didn't tell her?"

"How could I? What could I say then, Edward? She'd never made that choice before. And in that moment, everything I ever wanted was _right fucking there_."

I was confused. "So you still didn't tell her? She still doesn't know?"

"Oh, she knows. She found out yesterday."

I couldn't believe it. She had known it when she came to me the day before, before we slept together, and she didn't tell me. I felt almost betrayed as I thought about it. I realized that James was still talking.

"…argued, and then she fell."

_What was that?_ "She fell? Is that what happened to her arm?"

"Yeah, she tripped and fell." He nodded. "I didn't—I would never do anything to hurt her. I love her. I didn't help her though, and when I tried, she…she wouldn't let me. She called your brother, and he came and got her."

_Fucking Emmett._ He had fucking lied right to my face. I'd deal with him later. But now, I had to get out of here and get to her. "Why did you tell me all of this, James? What exactly do you want from me?"

"I know Bella's hurt by me keeping this from her. You both are. But I need her to know that I didn't plan it. That I didn't do it on purpose. I would die if I lost …"

"If? Man, that ship has sailed."

"No, I know that. _Fuck_! I never really had a chance with Bella, not really. But Emmy. Edward, I know she's your daughter. She always has been, and I never tried to take that from her. Please, you have to understand, _please_. _She's my whole life._"

And I finally got it. He knew Bella wouldn't listen to him and would never believe that he didn't plan to deceive her. He knew she'd never let him see Gracie. I was pissed, but would I have done things differently if I were in his shoes? I didn't' know if I could answer that.

"James, I fucking hate you right now." His face fell and he put his head in his hands. I continued, "But, you used to be my friend, and you looked out for Bella when I couldn't. I told you I appreciated it, and I meant it. I'm going to support her, regardless of what she decides to do, but I _swear _to you, I will talk to her. It won't be good for Gracie to lose you, either. But listen to me: motherfucker, if you lie to either of us, _ever again_, I will end you."

He nodded at me, his expression somber. "That's all I'm asking."

I turned to Charlie, "are we done here?"

"Yep. Looks like you got the message, son."

"Yeah, I did. And now I'm going to get my girl."


	19. Ch19: Take Back My Life You're Stealing

**Chapter 19: Take Back Now My Life You're Stealing**

***BPOV***

Leaning back on the blanket that I'd spread out, I watched the flowers moving gently in the breeze. Tall grass surrounded me, protecting me from the outside world and providing the solace that I so desperately needed. I closed my eyes and lifted my face up, thankful for the sunlight that crept across the meadow, warming my skin.

No matter the warmth on my outside, inside I was so cold.

Numb.

Unable to understand how this situation had happened, I could barely believe this was my real life. I felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe, a terrible dream from which I couldn't wake.

It had all been a lie. This entire time was nothing more than a deception. And he knew it.

James had lied to me for so long, and I just couldn't figure out why he would do it. Did he really believe that I would never find out?

There had been an overwhelming feeling of trepidation that seeped through me as I looked over the papers that had fallen out of that envelope. The date on Laurent's Officiant License flashed through my mind. Since Laurent wasn't legally able to perform weddings until two days after we were wed, my marriage was effectively a sham. As in, it never counted.

In that moment, my entire world crashed and imploded around me. His web of lies, my deceit to both of them as well as myself—it just all tumbled down around me like a house of cards built on a shaky surface. I realized how big of a mistake I'd made in marrying him and how ultimately trying to pretend that it could ever be enough was going to cost me everything.

James had begged me to listen to him.

"_Let me explain—it's not what you think. Please."_

I shook my head, wondering for a moment how he really expected to explain himself. It was impossible that he could ever think that I could forgive him for lying to me and so callously ignoring my feelings. He hurt me by being dishonest. Not only had he hurt me, but Gracie and Edward, too. And now, after all he'd put me through, I knew that I never wanted to see him again.

The only feeling I could conjure up for him was disdain. In my head, I knew I'd loved him, in my own way. After all, he helped me get through the most devastating time in my life and was there for me as I tried to pick up the pieces after Edward's disappearance, but my heart could only blame him for ruining the only future I ever really wanted. All I was left with was wondering how in the world I ever allowed myself to think that I was ready to move on—I wasn't, and I had made the mistake of a lifetime, essentially silencing the voice in my heart that always knew that Edward was alive. Maybe that was why I couldn't fully commit myself to James.

Whatever the reason, we were both to blame. I was done protecting him though, done trying to take his feelings into consideration. He obviously didn't care about mine.

The limited conversation I had with Emmett on the way to the Emergency Room ran through my mind at this thought. I was so stupid; I should have just told him, let him go wallop on James for all his transgressions.

I'd called him, knowing he had always been there for me my whole life. _"Bella, I mean it, you better tell me what the fuck happened to you," Emmett bellowed._

"_Just please, not now. I promise to tell you everything, but not now," I begged, trying to get a grasp on my emotions. My arm was throbbing, and I felt like I'd been gutted. I couldn't think or move without feeling like I was falling completely apart._

"_Did he do this to you? I swear to God, I'll kill that motherfucker…" _

"_It's not what you think. I fell, Emmett, I swear." Though __I__ was angry enough to tell Emmett that James had been the one to hurt my arm, I wasn't that coldhearted. I didn't think he deserved the punishment that Emmett would inflict on him if he thought he'd caused me physical harm. Really, more than not wanting to lie, I didn't want Emmett to get in trouble, either. _

_Huddled against the door, I pressed my cheek to the window, surprised at how cool it felt against my skin. Emmett continued to ask questions that I continued to ignore until we pulled up in front of the hospital. _

"_Don't tell anyone, please," I whispered, gazing into his shocked expression._

_He shook his head. "Baby B, I love you, but you're crazy if you think I'm letting this go…"_

_I cut him off, grabbing his chin with my uninjured hand. I flinched at the sliver of pain that ran through me before steeling myself and looking into his eyes. "Em, _please_. I promise, I'll tell you. Just give me a little time to do it my way. _Please_."_

_He nodded once, and added, "I hope you know what you're doing, girl. I'll give you twenty-four hours, Bella. E's gonna have my ass for not telling him in the first place." _

_I looked at him questioningly. "Somehow, I don't really think it'll affect him that much," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. _

_It had just been hours before when I saw him…I couldn't even think about Edward standing there, practically naked. And that woman was so beautiful. She looked so _happy_._

_A sad expression passed over Emmett's face before he cleared his throat, thankfully interrupting my thoughts. "It's not what you think, B. I saw him after you ran outta there. He's not with her."_

_I wondered how bad my face was showing my thoughts if he could guess where my mind was. It had to be pretty awful. Absently, I thought of how Edward had looked these past few weeks, and I felt terrible for being the cause of it. _

"_I know what I saw," I said, not wanting to get my hopes up. _

"_I'll call Mom, alright? I'm sure she'll be more than happy to keep Gracie Lou for the night. Take a little time to get your head on straight."_

After convincing him that I didn't need him to wait for me, I walked in to the ER and waited for them to take me to the back. I silently thanked God when it was time for X-rays that I hadn't let James talk me into having a second child.

A few hours later I was stepping into a cab with a bright pink cast on my arm. When the driver asked, "Where's home?" I gave him the only address that had really fit that description since I'd become an adult.

The apartment.

When I arrived there, I drew in a deep breath before knocking softly on the door. I didn't know what I would do if _she_ was still there, but I had to trust what Emmett had told me. He'd never lied to me before, and he would want me to be prepared if it were true.

All thoughts escaped me when Edward opened the door. He looked confused at my presence for a moment. He said my name, and I interrupted whatever he was going to say next. I didn't want to have to explain myself or what had happened. Not yet.

I just wanted him.

My life had been a lie for the past four years: my marriage, my promises to move on, and, most of all, my denial of wanting to be with him every second since he walked back through that door. I was sick of the lies. I was tired of _fake_.

I had hope that I could fix it—that, with one night, things could go back to _normal_ and _real_. I wanted to relive things that I'd long buried, to feel our past as it was before all of the upheaval. I wanted to experience _us_ as we were meant to be.

I was over-thinking everything and not thinking enough at the same time. Tired of trying to figure it all out with logic, I just needed to_ feel_.

So, I told him what I needed when I brushed my fingertips over his lips. _"Tell me you want me."_

Even if he hadn't uttered the words, "Of course I want you," I knew it was true. He looked so sincere.

No matter how many times I'd felt his lips and hands on my skin, no matter how many times we had been together in every sense of the word, it was like the first time all over again. The act of him giving himself to me without knowing that I was unattached _proved_ that he wanted me; that he couldn't help butgive in to this.

As he held my body closer to him and touched me the way only he could, I finally felt _complete_.

When he whispered that I was made to belong to him, I fell apart in his arms and murmured his name against his skin, too low for him to hear.

When he finally pressed in to me, all thought escaped me except that I was home. Finally.

He rested his head on my chest, listening to my heartbeat before eventually succumbing to sleep. I laid there for awhile as I drifted in and out of sleep, feeling his skin against mine, reveling in the way he held me tightly to him.

While he slept in my arms, beautiful and perfect, I thought over my reason for going there, concluding that there _was_ no reason. I had reacted to being lied to and ran to the person that I always trusted and needed desperately. And for these last few hours, the dream of _us_ felt alive again.

But dreams die and reality filtered in, leading me to the dreadful realization that it was selfish of me to be with him, without him knowing that I was free—that I _could_ be his. That I always had been. Being with Edward had been both Heaven and Hell for me. I wanted to tell him the truth, so bad. But I couldn't face it then, because my impulsive reaction had awakened a possibility for us that could never be.

Should I have woken him up and told him the truth right then? Probably. I was just so confused. How could I tell him that I could be his when I knew deep down inside that he couldn't forgive me for making myself someone else's?

No matter that I had thought it was a good idea, in hindsight I realized it really, really wasn't. This time, even the truth couldn't set things right.

Regardless of the fact that my marriage was technically invalid, I still had been the one who agreed to it in the first place. I had fucked everything up, and I knew that in spite of what Edward and I had shared in our past, my _intent_ was still there. I knew he would take the time to process the information and come to the same conclusion I had. _Intent._

I could have talked to him and told him how I felt, but I knew Edward well enough to know what he would say: he would tell me that he forgave me and that he wanted to be with me. He'd proven that much to me a scant few hours earlier. But, I also knew him well enough to know that eventually, when he stopped to think about what had happened over the last four years, he wouldn't be able to get past it in the long run.

Rosalie had said, "What's a piece of paper?" But I knew, that whether it was a piece of paper that tied me to someone else, or a piece of paper that proved that it didn't count, he would eventually have to come to terms with the fact that I'd given myself to someone else.

All in all, it counted—to the people that really mattered, especially Edward. And Gracie.

The fact of the matter remained that I'd married James, despite the fact my tattered heart could truly never belong to anyone other than Edward. I'd said the words that bound me to James and accepted the same sentiment from him. Whether my marriage to him was legal or not, the actual details were just semantics.

I was upset and angry at James' deception, and even more upset that I had been so...out of it at the time that I'd never asked questions.

With an ache in my chest that truly _hurt, _I decided to just leave. I'd dealt him far more heartache than any man should ever have had to bear, and I couldn't do it any longer.

Glancing at the clock, I realized I didn't have much time if I was going to leave before he woke up. It was a sissy move, but I couldn't face him. I wouldn't survive if he told me it had all been a mistake, and I couldn't wait around for him to figure out, in time, that he truly couldn't forgive me. It took everything I had in me to tear myself away from him, but I got up, got dressed, and walked silently out of our apartment.

I waited in the lobby for the cab. As I gave the driver the address, I pulled my phone out of my bag and called Esme, asking her if it was okay for Gracie to stay with her for a few days. I wanted her with me, but I also didn't want her to see me as torn up as I had been (and probably would be as I came to terms with my decision). It wasn't fair to let her see me so upset when her grandparents would make sure she was perfectly taken care of.

She told me it was fine and that she was worried about me. We talked for a few moments, until the cab pulled up in front of the house I shared with James.

Not bothering to go inside, I grabbed my keys and wallet from my bag. I paid the driver and tentatively walked to my car. If James was there, I didn't want him to try to come out and talk to me. I wasn't ready to see him. I probably never would be.

Getting into my car, I shot a quick text to Emmett, explaining that I was okay and asking him to give me a little more time. Then, I pulled out of the driveway and headed to the one place my mistakes hadn't affected.

I went to my Daddy.

When I got to Forks, I called him and let him know I was in town. He met me on the porch, his brow furrowed as he pulled me in for a tight hug.

"_Come on, out with it," my dad implored. He was always a straight-shooter. No need to beat around the bush._

"_Can't I just want to be with my dad?" I asked, brushing the tears away from my face._

_He shook his head. "Nope. And especially not without Gracie in tow. Let's hear it, Bells. And while you're at it, tell me what the hell happened to your arm."_

I told him all of it, only leaving out the intimate details from the night before.

"_So, you slept with him?" _

_I nodded, trying to fight back the grimace that came from having this conversation with my father. I didn't want to tell him about that, but I needed advice, and there was no point in keeping out any of the facts from him._

"_You don't give Edward enough credit…" He started before being interrupted by a call. He answered in his usual gruff, "Charles Swan," before nodding at me to indicate that he was taking his call out of the room. _

_He returned a few moments later, grabbing his holstered gun and uniform jacket. "Gotta go in..." He paused. "Work. They need me at work," he concluded._

_I got up to hug him. I was surprised that they were calling him on his day off, but I knew he was always willing to go in when he was needed. "I just need some time, Dad. I need to…" I trailed off, not really knowing what I needed._

"_You need to figure your shit out, girl. Stay here as long as you want. Want me to pick up Gracie?"_

"_Pick up Gracie? She's in Seattle, Dad," I said, rolling my eyes. Sometimes I wondered about him._

"_Right, right," he said offhandedly, before kissing me on the cheek. "I'll be back later then."_

My father was gone most of the night. I heard his car pull into the driveway much later the evening while I was in bed, but I feigned sleep when he knocked on my old bedroom door. The next morning, after a long, hot shower, I got dressed and forced myself to eat something. I decided that sitting around the house wasn't such a great idea, so I grabbed a blanket from the closet in the hallway and got in my car, headed to our meadow.

Taking in my surroundings again, I realized how much I loved being in this place. I'd come here trying to hide from the world—not forever, but for a little while. Just long enough to come to grips with everything that had happened to me in the last six weeks, especially what I'd learned in the last few days. Inhaling deeply, I remembered the last time that I had been here with him.

"_Do you really believe what you told Chelsea today?"_

"_What're you talking about," he asked, reaching across my lap to wrap his hand around my hip. He leaned back and pulled me over him._

"_Just—what you said about us. That we're forever," I whispered._

"_Bella, what're you talking about? Of course I meant that…"_

_I pouted and pressed myself closer to him. "What if you meet someone next year in college while we're apart? College is about finding yourself, you know."_

"_Baby, we won't be that far apart, and I know who I am." He licked his lips before leaning in to kiss me. "I was made to be with you. College is just the way I'll be able to afford it," he laughed. _

Sighing, I laid back on the blanket, wondering what was going on in Seattle. The twenty-four hours Emmett promised me had long since passed, and I was sure he'd gone to James for answers. I wondered what he'd told everyone. _Had he finally come clean about his lies?_

I'd just reached into my pocket for my phone when I heard someone call my name.

"Bella?"

His voice echoed through the meadow—the place that had always been sacred to us.

He'd found me.


	20. Ch20: Give Anything But I Won't Give Up

**Chapter 20: Give Anything, But I Won't Give Up  
**

***BPOV***

"I'm here, Edward," I called out. I started to stand, wondering what he was doing here. As I sat up and took notice of the panicked expression on his face, I felt a little worried.

I knew our daughter was with Esme, yet I still found myself spiraling into anxiety at the prospect that something awful had happened. I didn't see any other reason that he would have come_. _I lost my footing slightly as I staggered in his direction and then paused, unsure if I should touch him.

"Where's Gracie? Is she…" I questioned, afraid of his answer.

He shook his head once, and then moved toward me. "Bella, no. Calm down. Gracie's fine. I just talked to her a little while ago."

Relieved, I took a deep breath and tried to corral my mounting panic.

If there wasn't a problem with Gracie, that only meant one thing: he'd talked to Emmett, which meant that by now he knew _everything_. Emmett only promised me a day, and, after leaving him with no explanations, he had to be beyond upset. Edward reached me and wrapped his arms around me loosely—his touch helped to ease some of the tightness in my chest, just like it always had.

"Everything is fine, baby," he murmured as he held me tighter to him. Running his hands up and down my back, he pressed his lips to my head repeatedly. "Thank God I found you—thank God you're alright."

Confusion hit me like a brick wall. He was acting as if I hadn't screwed everything up, yet again. He was acting like he used to.

But, it was too late for us. _Wasn't it?_

Even if that were true, I was still drawn to his warmth and strong hold. For a moment, I could pretend that all was right in my world, and that reality wouldn't come crashing down on us. In a perfect world he would get over the fact that we had been apart for so long and that I'd willingly married James. I stayed in my fantasy for as long as I could, unwilling to relive losing him all over again.

Right now, in _this_ moment, I was happy. It was surreal, being in this place with him.

Allowing myself a little time to just _feel_, to just revel in his closeness, I pulled back and looked at his face. At his bruised, scraped up face.

"Edward, what happened," I asked, running my fingertips over the bruise beginning to bloom on his jaw.

He winced and pulled my hand away, but not before kissing my wrist lightly and lacing his fingers with mine.

"I got into a fight," he mumbled, looking thoroughly uncomfortable at his admission. Leading us over to the forgotten blanket, he sat down and helped me sit down beside him. Heat radiated from his body, and I found myself unable to keep from shifting closer to him—he didn't seem to mind. Lifting my arm that was in a cast slightly, he brushed his lips over my fingertips before arranging us until we were lying down and facing each other.

His touches were casual, yet so sweet and sincere. It almost made me want to cry as confusion clouded my thoughts. Greedily, I let him continue, wanting any contact I could get from him. I wondered if it was the same for him, too.

"We're going to talk," he stated seriously, threading his fingers through my good hand. "No more running."

Though I dreaded admitting to him how stupid I had been, I also felt relieved. We'd finally be able to get everything out in the open. The warm sun filtering down around us and the wildflowers blowing gently in the breeze made this feel almost like a dream. Looking around at this place that held so many memories for us, I was struck with the reality that this was the perfect setting for us to talk.

"I'll go first," I whispered. He nodded, allowing me to go ahead. "Edward, I'm _so_ sorry for the horrible mess that I've made of just…everything. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you how I felt the moment you came back. I'm sorry that I mar—"

He traced the pad of his thumb under my eyes to wipe away the tears streaming down my cheeks. His hand came up behind my head, massaging my scalp and easing some of my tension.

"Don't cry." He pulled back and looked at me imploringly. "There's nothing for you to be sorry for, Bella. What you did _wasn't wrong_. We'll get through this—you know that. Tell me you know we'll be okay," he said, reverently pressing his lips to my eyelids, cheeks, nose...anywhere but my lips.

I shook my head. I didn't know how we'd ever be remotely _close _to okay. Right now, us getting through this and happy seemed like a pipe dream. I'd made such a gigantic mess of things. Every road I'd taken had led me down the wrong path.

At least I had Gracie. She was the only thing I'd done right in the past four years. All the very best parts of Edward and me were alive and beautiful in her.

He sighed, probably reading the despair in my eyes when I couldn't answer him. Pushing himself up on his elbows, he tugged me until we were on our knees and sitting face to face. He grabbed my hands, placing the one in a cast to rest on his shoulder.

"Bella, I don't see any way around this but to tell you one thing. I love you. I've loved you my whole life, and I can't imagine being without you. I honestly don't know how you've made it through these last four years. But, what I really don't understand is how you could think so little of me, _so little of us_, that you'd think that one thing—that _anything_—could _ever _come between us? How could you doubt me like that?"

"I didn't…I don't." I shook my head, words of explanation escaping me.

Maybe it was pure jealousy talking, but I knew he couldn't get over the fact that I had married James. Because I knew that _I_would never be able to accept him with another woman.

He swept his fingertips along my bottom lip and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, and then stared into my eyes. "You act like I don't know you. But I do. I've always known you. Everything you think is in your eyes—I just wasn't looking until now."

The words he was saying were impossible—truly my dream come true. My heart hurt with wanting them to be real, but his reactions over the last few months had been so out of character for him that I was almost afraid to believe them. _This_ was myEdward, the one I'd always known and loved. I started to interrupt, but he stopped me by running the palm of his hand down my neck, across my shoulder, and down my arm.

"You think I'm mad at you for trying to have a life...for trying to make our daughter happy. But I'm not, baby. I couldn't be. I can't say what I would do in your situation, but I hope you know that I would have wanted you to be happy, no matter what that meant. If I had actually…" He paused and looked down, unable to complete his sentence.

I drew in a shaky breath at that. I'd thought, for so very long, that I had truly lost him. Thinking about that now-when he was here beside me, hurt almost as much as it did back then. He looked at me and brought his hand up to my face. I noticed that his breaths were shaky, too.

"I just want you to be happy. Let me make you happy." He squeezed my hand and brought it back to his lips.

"I...I want that, too. I'm sorry—" I held up my bad arm when he tried to stop me "—no, let me finish. I'm sorry that I've made such a mess of things, I'm sorry for not talking to you and for not telling you what I felt. I've been a mess these past few weeks, and, while I know that doesn't excuse it, it's the truth. I can't even begin to describe the confusion that's been a constant voice in my head."

I paused, thinking over what I wanted to say so I did it right this time.

"When I realized how stupid I was acting, I came to tell you. And when that woman answered your door, I thought I was too late. That you'd finally gotten sick of my constant back and forth. I should've talked to you, but seeing her there _hurt_. All I could think about was what I'd done to you time and time again, and how wrong I acted. And then I found out what..._he_ did, and I just wasn't thinking straight. I should have told you, but, again, I kept my mouth shut and just took what you were willing to give. And I'm sorry, because that wasn't right of me. Neither was leaving before we could talk."

"Since I've come home, all I could think of was you and Gracie. You two belong with me, Bella. I was so angry—at everyone—and it was just impossible to muddle through the way I was feeling. I'm sorry for the way I treated you, and I'm sorry for what happened. And yeah, I could let the choices that you made, before and especially after I came back, ruin everything. But I refuse to do that."

I scooted closer to him, finally able to feel as if I had the right. I didn't know what I'd done recently to deserve his understanding and forgiveness, but I wasn't willing to risk throwing it away before letting him speak. I was listening this time; not just to myself, but to him.

Hope bubbled up inside my chest, effervescent and wonderful and so, so freeing.

"I hate that you didn't trust me enough to believe that we could get through it all. But when it's all said and done, I have to think about what I want—what we both want. It's always been you, and I want us to be together—period. Everything that we've been through has been worth it. It brought us here, to right now." His eyes flashed up to mine as a determined expression crossed his face. "And if I have to spend the rest of our lives proving to you that you were made for me, that nothing you could ever do could change the way I feel about you, then so be it."

He sat back down and pulled me over him, finally, _finally _pressing his lips to mine. It was warm and sweet and everything I remembered about being with him. It wasn't like the night before, which though amazing, was desperate—a goodbye through actions and not words.

This kiss was a promise for a new future.

His hands went into my hair, lips moving against mine in dizzying pulls and presses. I clutched at his shirt, desperate to have him closer. There was no way he'd ever be close enough. He started unbuttoning my shirt and groaned as I opened my mouth, darting my tongue out to touch his. I knew that we still had things to talk about, that we still had issues to overcome. But, as he pressed me closer to him and allowed me to feel _all_ of him beneath me, I knew with one hundred percent certainty that we _would _have time to hash the rest out later. God willing, we'd have years and years.

I leaned up a bit to help him finish getting my shirt off and he sat up with me, seeming to need the contact as much as I did. His lips traveled from my mouth over my jaw and to my neck, sucking and nipping a path along my skin.

With deft movements he unfastened my bra; with less than graceful movements, I tried to remove his shirt so we could be skin to skin. Damn cast. All I wanted was to feel him against me, to feel his skin touching mine. _More._ His hands gripped my hips and started guiding me over him, back and forth, slowly and methodically.

"Fuck, baby. I want you," he mumbled against my neck as he rolled us over, hovering above me. He leaned up on his forearm and looked down at me, hands skimming over my stomach and between my breasts.

Heavy breaths and sun warmed skin that I'd never forgotten the smell of cocooned me, spurring me on and giving me the final push to show him that I wanted him, too. The way he looked at me made me _feel _beautiful. He looked at me like he really, truly loved me; like he had the faith I was lacking in myself as of late.

I reached up with my good arm and threaded my hands into his hair, pulling him down to me and kissing him hard. He slowed the frenzied pace I was trying to set. Soft kisses peppered my face, my cheek, behind my ear and then down over my throat.

My back arched almost involuntarily as he skimmed his nose down my chest to my breast, along my nipple, before taking it in his mouth. My loud moans seemed to spur him on as he continued to grind roughly against me.

"I love you, Bella. Always have," he murmured against me as his fingers went to the buttons on my jeans.

"Love you too, so much," I whispered as he slid his hand inside my panties, moving his fingers against me.

Throwing my head back, I circled my hips in sync with his movements, able to let go after the admissions and concessions we'd both made today. Pleasure radiated through my body, connected to every inch of his skin that touched mine. He always knew how to touch me. I was so close, and my God, I wanted it. But, I wanted it to be _with_ him.

"Wait," I said, almost begging him for more. "I…not without you. Please, Edward, I want you so much."

The growl that emanated from his chest vibrated against my knees as he sat back and began pulling my panties and jeans down my legs. He brought his mouth back up to me again as his tongue stroked languidly against mine.

His thumb came in contact with my clit, and I arched against him, incapable of containing the loud, keening whimpers that I was making. Weak and unable to wait any longer, I reached out, feeling for the buckle of his belt and pulling on it. I was already on the cusp of my orgasm and could barely make the attempt to unbutton his jeans.

He leaned up to remove his pants and our eyes locked. He smiled at me and leaned down to kiss me. "I can't keep my hands off of you," he groaned into my skin.

I understood perfectly. I couldn't stop touching him, either.

Slowly, he pressed in to me, and I was filled with an overwhelming sense of completeness. Finally. Tears escaped my eyes as he laced one hand with mine. He held my hip with his other hand, tracing small circles on my skin as he continued his agonizingly slow pace.

"Can you feel it?" he whispered in my ear before sucking my earlobe into his mouth.

"Yes," I panted. I tried to hold him closer to me with my arm that was in a cast, but it wasn't enough. Letting go of his hand, I wrapped both of my arms tightly around him.

He was moving so slowly but with such purpose, mouth hovering over mine, breaths deep and teeth gently biting down on my bottom lip. As if we were on the same wavelength finally, our bodies synchronized together into a faster, cohesive rhythm. We moved together perfectly, like we were made to be this way…so good, so _right_.

He groaned, rocking his hips into me, grinding and pushing as he wrapped his arm around me, lifting me slightly—he was so deep. He moved his hand between us, and I gasped for air as he rubbed his thumb, then his fingers, against me. Just as my muscles started to clench around him, he thrust into me erratically, his strong body shaking as he groaned out my name. I pressed my lips to his sweaty neck, exhilarated at the feeling of his racing pulse and his whispered moans as he continued to rock his hips into me.

As our heartbeats slowed and time seemed to stand still, we laid on the blanket in the middle of our meadow, wrapped in each other. Other talks could wait; right then I was blissfully and utterly content.

**x-x-x-x-x**

The cool evening breeze danced across my skin, seeming to follow the trail that Edward's fingertips took as he stroked along my spine. "It's alright. Everything will be fine now," he murmured, moving my hair over my shoulder and ghosting his lips along my neck. "I'm sorry, too, you know? I should have told you that I wanted you the minute I saw you. You never should have doubted that. Not for one second."

I leaned my head against his shoulder and just let myself breathe it all in: his scent, the smell of the flowers around us. _Everything_. This moment felt magical.

A few minutes of silence passed before either of us spoke again. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you the truth last night, before… I should've told you."

Edward nodded. "Yeah, you should have. But I think I understand why you didn't. I want you to know, that I know about everything now."

My heart just about stopped and my muscles tensed as I froze in place. He knew—from his earlier words, I'd figured that much, though I couldn't help but wonder how he found out.

"No, Bella," he cut off my panic swiftly with a squeeze and a well placed kiss to my neck. "I should never have allowed you to doubt the way that I've always felt about you. If I would have just told you that I wanted you—and that we needed to do whatever we had to do to fix it…" He stopped, shaking his head and murmuring, "so much wasted time." He leaned back and brought his hands to my face. "If I would have told you what I wanted instead of acting like a tyrant to you, things would have been _much_ different, _much_ sooner."

Again, I cursed not talking to him sooner, to listening to my own convoluted logic. I glanced back over my shoulder at him, noticing that his bruise had begun to darken further. Leaning up slightly, I ran my hand down the plane of his chest and over his damp skin. "You know, you never told me what happened," I whispered.

I traced the scrapes around his cheekbones, and then leaned down to try and kiss them better.

"Isn't it obvious, Bella?" He laughed and pulled me closer to him to kiss my lips. Taking a deep breath, he said, "When I woke up and realized that you were gone, I went looking for you. Long story short, there was a fight, there were cops, there was jail, and then your dad…"

"_My dad?" _I gasped, surprised by the fact that Charlie had gotten involved.

He nodded and rolled his eyes at me. "Yeah. It was because of him that I got the whole story from James," he said seriously.

"The whole story?" The thought of James and what he had done made my stomach churn with a white hot anger. "What more is there to it, besides he lied to me? He deceived me for years and I never want to see that bastard again."

Edward pulled the blanket over us, wrapping us in a little cocoon. "I'm not saying that what he did wasn't wrong_. It was._ But I also can't say that I wouldn't have done the exact same thing if I were in his shoes."

"What?" I started to sit up. Surely Edward wasn't _defending_ James. Surely not.

His arms tightened around me and he looked in my eyes for a moment. "No, baby. Just _listen _for a minute, okay? He didn't know _all along_—he only found out a few months ago. And by then he was too afraid to lose you, to lose Gracie."

I pushed on his chest, forcing him to release his grasp on me. "What the _hell_, Edward? Suddenly you're all _team James_ now?" I stared at him for a moment, trying to understand why he would defend him. I began to search for my clothes. I wasn't planning to leave—I was done acting like a child and running every time I was overwhelmed, but this was a conversation that required clothing.

"No," he said, his voice strong. "Sit still and stop jumping to conclusions. That's one of the things we need to work on, by the way. I'm on _your_ side, Baby. You _know_ that. And I'm on Gracie's side. And that's why I think you should think about it before you cut him out of your lives for good." He looked at me, his eyes begging as he wound his arms around me. "It'll hurt her. She loves him."

Though I was so happy to have it back now, I closed my eyes to break the connection. I couldn't believe that he was actually asking me _not_ to sever all ties with James. He must have felt strongly about it if he was asking that of me, knowing how hard it would be—for _both _of us.

I took a deep breath, knowing that his words about _one of our problems_ being jumping to conclusions to be the absolute truth. No more—I wasn't going to let miscommunication stand in our way ever again. I whispered, "I know."

He pulled his jeans on and pulled me toward him, wrapping his arms around me. His voice cracked with emotion. "I meant what I said when I told him I was grateful for him taking care of both of you when I couldn't."

I needed time. Time to process all that had happened. Time to heal. No more making rash decisions.

"I can't make any promises," I said as I tightened my arms around him, "but, I'll think about it."

"That's all I'm asking," he said as he pressed his lips to my forehead. He pulled back and grabbed my hand before leaning down to pick up his shirt and the blanket. "Now let's go home. Our daughter misses you."


	21. Ch21: This is a Battle We've Won

**AN: This chapter begins with EPOV of what happened before he got to Bella in the meadow. **

* * *

**Chapter 21: This is a Battle We've Won**

***EPOV***

There's a saying about hindsight being perfect that applied to my life at that moment.

In hindsight, I saw all of Bella's and my mistakes crystal clear—I could step back and look at them from a new perspective and see all of the spots where we went wrong.

Take talking, for example. It was an issue for us that probably could have resolved our unneeded drama and hurtful words and actions early on. And then there was pride, which kept us from the talks we should have sat down and had like two mature adults. Misplaced feelings of right versus wrong, fueled of course by pride and miscommunications, were a problem, too.

Not talking, going only on pride and misconceptions, and trying not to hurt anyone, had caused us to bottle up our respective emotions until they were a live wire, ready to snap and shock everyone in the vicinity.

How many times had Bella tried to tell me something, only to receive an angry outburst in return? Or, conversely, how many times had Bella's weird sense of doing what she thought was right, no matter the way those actions would have hurt her in the long run, frustrate me to no end, making me wonder what the hell was wrong with her?

If I could have taken it all back, could go and start at the beginning from the very first moment I'd learned that I was a father to a little girl who had a father figure already, I'd have done things differently—so differently.

Not to say that we were the only ones at fault here.

James—who, though I felt sorry for the guy, was still an asshole, held some of the blame in his hands, too.

I got why he'd gone about things the way he had—I did. For four years, he had loved my girl and my daughter like they were a part of him. They were his _family_. I knew firsthand how amazing Bella was at her very best, how easy it was for Gracie to wrap you around her finger and make you want to give her the happiest life a child could have. I'd want to keep them as my very own if I were him, too.

But they weren't. They were mine, my family, and it was time I started acting like it—to the both of them, and not just the youngest one.

Bella didn't deserve my anger, nor did I deserve her trying to throw herself in front of whatever bus came our way to make everyone but herself happy. We owed it to each other to be considerate and worried for our family together, period.

Initially, it bugged the shit out of me that she went to my brother instead of me when she was hurt, but I was thankful that she had someone she felt close enough to. God knows I hadn't been there for her when she needed me. I'd been an insensitive jerk to her most of the time I'd been back, but I resolved as I lay with her wrapped in my arms that we'd get this all out in the open.

We had some talking to do, more than just the apologies and quick explanations offered to each other in a meadow on a summer day.

It bothered me that she'd run here to try and get herself together, but not for the obvious reasons. Before I left Seattle, Charlie had told me to leave her be, let her get her head back together first before we sat down and talked. Like I didn't know where she'd go...

Our meadow.

Since her dad moved to Forks, we'd spent so much time in that open space. As teenagers it was one of the only places we could be truly alone. I grinned against Bella's hair, remembering the first time I'd talked her into taking off all of her clothes in the middle of that field—like she was now. I couldn't believe that girl let me get away with some of the things I did to her back then.

Of course, seeing her naked and next to me only reminded me of the last time I'd seen her this way. It was pure bliss and total torture rolled into one. I'd thought that something was off, but obviously hadn't grasped the full extent of how bad things were. I honestly believed everything would be fine after that. Again, in hindsight I couldn't believe how wrong I was.

Everything wasn't fine when I woke up alone, not knowing where she'd gone or why she left.

The torture was finding out that her marriage had been a lie and that she didn't trust me enough to tell me. Though I felt as if I'd been punched in the gut at the prospect of how little faith she had in me, _in us_, I had to believe that we would be okay, that we could work through everything—which is why I'd followed her.

I couldn't stand the alternative.

Bella's breaths evened out beside me, and I looked down to see that she was asleep, eyelashes fluttering against her cheeks as she rested her head on my bent arm. She looked so peaceful, all soft and sun-warmed against my body. I couldn't remember the last time I'd truly seen her so relaxed and calm.

We still had a tough road ahead of us, but I had faith we'd get through it, together.

James was going to be a sticky situation. There were hurt feelings and a lot of blame placed on him that she needed to let go of. So did I, for that matter. Deep down, I knew that if she held onto that anger and hatred it would only hurt her in the end.

It would hurt Gracie, too.

No matter the situation, she was a small child who only knew James to be a doting father-figure. He bought her dolls and watched cartoons with her, treated her like she was his own. She looked at him through innocent eyes, as she should. She was too little and precious to be dragged into this mess, and cutting her off from seeing him would only confuse her.

I had a small amount of gratefulness that he had stepped up to the plate, so to speak. He'd taken care of my girls when I couldn't, though I didn't feel bad about punching him for it. They were still _my _girls, after all. His lies had added to our situation in a bad way, and he had to face the responsibility for that, too.

"Edward..."

I looked down thinking Bella was awake and had noticed my blank expression as I thought about our situation. She wasn't. She shifted in her sleep, a small smile pulling up the corners of her mouth when my arm tightened around her.

I'd always liked hearing her quirky little habit of talking in her sleep. It felt good now to see that she dreamed of me in a good way, still. That in her sleep we were obviously in a good place. I dropped a kiss against her closed eyes. "Love you, baby. We'll get through this."

**X-X-X-X-X**

When the summer sun began to fade, I woke Bella and followed behind her in my rental until we got to Charlie's place. She was quiet as she packed her things and left a note for her father that she was going home to Gracie. With me.

We were going home.

Chief Swan was going to kick my ass for disobeying his orders, but at least my instincts had been right this time.

After dropping my rental off in Port Angeles, I climbed into Bella's car and looked at her in the driver's seat. "You want me to drive?" I asked. I fully intended to get to our talk and I didn't want her to be upset and behind the wheel.

"Yeah," she said, passing me the keys.

We spent the whole trip home doing what we should have done from the beginning: talking—really _talking_. Though I didn't want to have what could be the most important discussion of my life in a car of all places, nothing about us had been conventional—and it had to be done.

I didn't want there to be the possibility of Bella not knowing exactly how I felt and what I wanted. She agreed that we had a long road ahead of us, but that she knew we'd get there, too. We also agreed that we needed to talk to Gracie about what was going on. She was a little girl and didn't need a bunch of details, but we wanted her to understand as much as possible. After explaining how much I wanted to show Gracie that she could come to me with anything, like she did with her mom, I was thrilled that Bella trusted me enough to let me be the one to talk to her.

Though we didn't come to any concrete conclusions just then, we both agreed that we wanted to be together and were willing to do whatever it took to repair the damage we had both done.

It was like a weight had been lifted from my chest. I could finally breathe again, knowing for sure that we were both committed to each other and to working everything out.

When we got to my parents' house, Gracie bounded down the steps and straight into Bella's arms. They had only been apart for a couple of days, but it was obvious that they had missed each other.

"When we goin' home, Mama?"

Gracie's innocent question held so much meaning. Though we had talked _for hours_ during our trip back, there were no decisions made on where they would be living now. I knew she wasn't going back to his house, but I didn't know if she was ready to move back into the apartment. I was sure my parents would love to have her stay with them if she needed time, and she could afford to buy her own place.

There was another part of me that wished we didn't have to bother with the figuring out because I was ready to move forward. But we needed to. We needed to get everything back to good, so, no matter how much I hated the waiting, I would if it was what she needed to feel comfortable and happy.

I didn't know how Bella would feel about it, and I would certainly discuss it with her, but I knew what I wanted.

Them.

With me.

Forever.

"Gracie? Didn't you miss me, too?" I pouted at her, kneeling down and opening my arms for her to run to me. Hugging her tightly, I rubbed my hand through her springy curls before leaning over to whisper in her ear, "hey, Princess. I missed you, you know." She nodded against my neck, and I continued, "Let's go talk. How 'bout some ice cream?"

Picking her up, I walked over to Bella and kissed her lightly before telling her we were headed out for a little bit. I didn't want to leave her when we were finally on the right path, but I felt like this was important for my relationship with my daughter. So much in her life had changed over the past few weeks and was changing still. She needed to understand that she could come to me if she needed me, and that I would always be here for her.

We arrived at the ice cream shop and Gracie picked out her favorite flavor with "spwinkles." We talked about what she'd been doing with her Nana and why elephants were her "favwet" animals. When she was just about finished with her ice cream, she started telling me how much she missed Bella while she was gone.

"Your mama missed you while she was away, too. We both did."

Giggling, she leaned up and grabbed my face with her sticky hand. "I know. It's your job. You're my daddy—you s'posed to miss me."

"You're right." I laughed. "You know, daddies have lots of important jobs. I want you to know that you can always talk to me about anything you want, whenever you want, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed, kissing the end of my nose with her little cold lips.

I knew she didn't really understand right then, but I needed her to hear that I would always be there for her. We chatted for a few more minutes before the conversation turned to James.

"Jamie said maybe we can getta puppy," she said, looking up at me with a hopeful expression.

Shaking my head, I took a deep breath and pulled her into my lap. "Baby, you know that Jamie loves you very much."

She nodded. "And I love _him_ vewwy much."

"I know you do, Princess. Jamie had to go to work for awhile on an important case. You know that sometimes he has to go away, right?"

Again, she nodded. "He has bizzness. But he awlways calls me."

I laughed. "Yeah, that's right. So we don't know how long he'll be gone. His business is very important, and he might not be able to call you for awhile. He wanted me to tell you that he loves you very much and can't wait until he gets to see you again."

Tears pooled in her big green eyes, and it broke my heart. "Can we call him? Right now? So I can tell him bye?"

I didn't want to go against Bella's wishes in this situation, but I also had a say in this, too. I refused to let my daughter suffer because all of the adults in her life fucked everything up.

Pulling out my phone, I dialed the number and handed it to Gracie. He must have picked up right away because she jabbered happily to him for a few minutes, telling him about her overnight stay at my parents' and that she'd just had ice cream. I smiled when she asked him about his "bizzness" and told him she'd have me buy him ice cream when he was "done with his 'yoy-yer stuff'".

"Okay my Jamie. My daddy has to take me to see my mommy. I missed her so much last night. Bye, love you," she whispered into the phone before handing it to me.

"Thanks, man."

His voice was choked, quiet. I just nodded, ending the call and wrapping my arms around my daughter while she poked dejectedly at the last of her ice cream.

"Gracie, it's okay to be sad. But Jamie will be back soon, and I know he'll miss you. Remember what I told you? I want you to let me know how you feel, all the time. When you're sad, you just tell me, and we'll try to go do something fun, together?"

"Okay, Daddy. Can we get a puppy? It would be really fun to take my puppy on walks."

I laughed but gave her no answer. I needed to talk to Bella about it first. She was determined about the puppy thing, and I was glad it seemed to take her mind off of James' sudden disappearance from her life. It couldn't be easy on a child to go from seeing someone every day to not seeing them at all.

Sometime later, with her hands washed and her face clean, we walked out. It was dark outside, much later than I realized. Still having one more thing to discuss with her, I led her to a nearby bench and sat down.

"Gracie, remember when you asked your mom when you were going home?"

She nodded and leaned up to kiss my cheek.

"Well, I was thinking…how would you feel about living with me at my apartment someday?"

Seeing as how I wasn't sure yet what Bella's plans were for housing, I didn't want to get Gracie's hopes up if her mom still needed some time to think things over, but having her thoughts couldn't hurt when I brought it up to Bella.

In my mind, when things were back on track completely, I knew that I wanted to marry Bella; like I was supposed to before everything went to hell. I'd have her and Gracie with me, and finally my life would be back where it should have been if not for the plane crash. Gracie surprised me by shaking her head in response to my question.

"You don't want to live with me, too?" I asked, devastated.

She smiled up at me, a mischievous gleam in her eye. "Course I do, silly. But it's _my_ 'partnement," she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

I laughed and hugged her to me. "You're right. Let's go get your mama."

**X-X-X-X-X**

Since Gracie fell asleep on the way back to my parents' house, I carried her in the house, loving the way her tiny breaths felt on my neck. I tried to rouse her as I walked so she'd wake up enough to brush her teeth and get changed into her pajamas. Bella came in with Gracie's elephant, Beauregard, and together, we tucked her in. It was awesome, being real _family_.

I didn't want that feeling to end.

Taking Bella's hand, I led her through the back door and over to the tree house that still stood in the back yard. She giggled before turning and scrambling up the rungs of the ladder. When we reached the top, I realized too late that it was dark inside and I'd forgotten to turn on the lights while we were still in the house. Kissing Bella gently, I started to move back toward the exit when suddenly a thousand tiny lights illuminated the space around us.

_My mom is so fucking smart._

Reaching out, I pulled Bella to me and held her face in my hands, breathing her in. Fucking finally. We were here—together.

She tightened her grasp on the back of my shirt and moved closer, tilting back her head to touch her lips to mine. She gently bit down on my lip before slipping her tongue in my mouth and I groaned. Having her so close, breathing the same air as me, her thundering heartbeat proving she wanted me as much as I wanted her, was all I'd ever wanted.

Right then I decided to hell with worrying. We had a tough road ahead of us, but I knew we could make it through. Why waste time being away from each other when we both knew how much better we were together?

Tightening my hold on her for a brief moment, I moved back and pulled her up into a sitting position. I ran my hand through my hair, scratching nervously at the back of my neck before I took her hand in mine.

"Okay, so I think we had a really good day today. And I think we'll have a bunch of really good days in the future. I think we have a lot of things to deal with, but I also think that there isn't anyone in the world I'd rather face this tough road with than with you."

"We'll get through this. I know it, Edward. If we found our way back after this...whole thing, I know we can work together on everything else."

I kissed her, letting my lips touch hers only briefly before I pulled back. "I know we will, too. So, here's the thing. I've been away from you for too long, missed too much time with you and Gracie that I'll never get back, but that's okay. I have the rest of my life to make it up..."

"I love you, you know that. I've always loved you, even when I couldn't remember. I knew, somehow, that you were out there. Without you, I'm just pieces—parts of an incomplete puzzle. _You_ make me _whole_, Bella. I know it might seem sudden to some people or, to everyone that knows us, it might seem like it's about fucking time."

Glancing up at her beautiful face, I moved my hand to pull her lip from between her teeth. Her eyes met mine and I could just tell by the look on her face that she knew what I was doing, and that she was with me. She laughed as tears spilled over her cheeks. "Don't cry, baby," I whispered as I ran the pad of my thumb under her eyes. "Shit. The first time I did this, I had it all planned out. I hope this doesn't suck in comparison."

I stared at her, so thankful I had the chance to ask. I knew it was fast, but I wasn't willing to give up another day of our lives.

"I want to marry you, girl. I want to go to sleep with you every night and wake up with you every morning and come home to you every day. I don't have a ring or even a sharpie this time, but I hope you'll say 'yes' just the same. I can't promise you sunshine and rainbows everyday of your life, but I can promise you that I'll be your strength and I will do my best to make you happy until I draw my last breath."

She threw her arms around me, the force of her embrace knocking us both backwards. "Of course I'll marry you. I've only ever been yours."

**X-X-X-X-X**

Getting married wasn't going to magically solve all of our problems. I knew that just as well as Bella did. There were issues to work through, and we needed time to heal.

Still, it was also obvious we weren't willing to be apart any longer. Issues could be worked out together; time was a balm for wounds, and I didn't mind if she got mad at me occasionally as long as I got to have her in my arms when I fell asleep at night.

Sure, we could've lived together first—we'd already done that. But, I wanted it to be legal. I didn't want her to ever doubt my commitment to her again.

We talked all night in our tree house, setting up plans and conditions. She wasn't allowed to run away when she needed to say something, no matter if she thought it would hurt anyone's feeling or not. I wasn't allowed to get aggravated and push her away when things didn't go my way.

We took Gracie out the next morning for breakfast when she woke up. As a family.

Four days later we all piled into a caravan and drove to the Wedgewood hotel in Vancouver.

Bella took my breath away as she walked toward me in a dress that hugged her curves in all the right places. With our daughter standing between us, we exchanged vows in front of our family and friends and then laughed and danced the night way, blissful and just celebrating being together.

Finally.


	22. Epilogue: Your Heart Is True

**AN: Special thanks to nicnicd, my amazing beta. You're the bestest and idk why you didn't abandon me, but I'm so glad you didn't. Way more thank yous and some notes down below. The song for this chapter is "Thank You for Being a Friend," which is the Golden Girls Theme. Vive la Lesbisons!**

**Here we go, the final chapter of Somewhere In Between. Honestly, I wasn't sure we'd ever get here. Thank you for reading.**

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**Epilogue: Your Heart is True  
**

**Almost Two Years Later**

***EPOV***

_Where the hell is she?_

Pacing from the window to the elevator doors and then back again to the waiting room, I bypassed the television currently playing some over-dramatic soap opera that no one was watching. I briefly glanced out the window and then started all over again.

I swore that I must have been wearing a path by now. Alternating between listening for the sounds of the elevator doors opening and any strange sounds from the direction of the waiting room, I ran my hand through my hair. It was a damn mess at the moment—really, I had little to no patience on a good day, and I'd probably go bald by the time I was forty at the rate I was messing with it today.

"Daddy, you okay?" My daughter's sweet voice interrupted my frantic pacing. Walking quickly to her, I scooped her up and rubbed her nose with mine. "Yes, pumpkin, everything is fine."

She placed her hands on my cheeks, pulling my cheeks into a weird smile with her hands. "Smile, Daddy. She's comin'," she said matter-of-factly. "I can't believe we get a baby today!"

She squealed, wrenching herself out of my grasp and hopping down. Sometimes I couldn't believe she was the same little girl whose language of misspoke 'gwown up words' with dropped endings had instantly wrapped me around her finger. Every day I discovered something to marvel at—she was still a tiny little shrimp but more substantial now than the day I'd first laid eyes on her.

I could hardly believe that I was standing here, on the maternity floor no less, with my six year old daughter.

I grabbed her hand, tugging her giggling little self with me as I started to pace again. She laughed when I started to walk like Shrek, big stooping steps like her current "favwet" movie of the week—okay, so she still had an issue with pronouncing the letter 'r.' I kind of hoped she wouldn't grow out of it any time soon because I was sure I'd miss the way she spoke.

So much had happened since I "came back" two years ago, ups and downs and more great moments than anyone should have a right to.

Therapy, both as a family and individually, had helped us all to deal with everything that had happened. I got over my anger at Tanya, and, though I didn't really care to pursue it any further, had suspected that her confidante in her deviousness was Aro. I was just glad to be done with the craziness and moving forward with my life the way it was supposed to be.

After a few months, when we were finally on an even keel, Bella began to agree with me about James—that even though what he'd done had hurt her, it would hurt Gracie more in the long run to cut him out of our lives forever. We worked out a schedule where she spent the day with him on at least one Saturday a month. Sometimes, it was more, depending on their "schedules."Who knew a six year old would need a _schedule_?

Though I would never be James' biggest fan, I would always be grateful to him for taking care of both of my girls while I was, for all intents and purposes, gone. Plus, it was hard to hate someone that loved your family so much. Eventually, that friendly camaraderie of our college days had begun to re-stitch itself, though there would always be rips in the fabric. I just wanted for him what I had in Bella. We weren't really surprised when he met Jessica about eight months after our wedding. She was a nice girl, kind and funny and she got along with Gracie incredibly well. It probably had to do with her love of pink...

There was one thing that would never change—Bella was truly meant for me and we would never be apart again. We had our struggles like every other couple, but at the end of the day we loved each other and were always respectful. She was amazing in every sense of the word: as a wife, a mother and as a friend. I was so lucky to have her, and I thanked God every day that we had worked through all of our bullshit. I guess that almost losing the person who means more than your own life gives you perspective, and I couldn't imagine things turning out any other way.

And now our family was just getting bigger.

The ding of the elevators stopped my pacing. Or possibly it was Gracie's shriek of, "she's here!"—they happened simultaneously, so who knew. It was barely visible through the packages, flowers and balloons in her arms, but Bella's smile was wide. I rushed over to my beautiful wife and leaned in for a quick kiss, batting a teddy bear out of my way. "Where've you been?" I asked, exasperated. She rolled her eyes at me as she handed Gracie a huge bear and walked toward the waiting room. "_You_ are entirely too antsy." She started to laugh, stopping abruptly at my grim expression. "Oh, for _Pete's sake_, Edward. I was only gone for a half an hour." I opened my mouth, ready with a smartass comment that I'd only missed her and was that so wrong, when James burst through the doors.

"It's a boy!" He could barely contain the joy that stretched across his face and he walked toward me, taking my hand and shaking it exaggeratedly. "Thank you for being here, man."

"Of course I'd be here," I said.

Gracie ran over to him and bounded into his arms. "We got the baby?" she asked excitedly.

He nodded and sat down in the closest seat, situating Gracie in his lap and hugging her tightly. He started telling us about his son, who they'd decided to name "Benjamin."

"How's Jess?" Bella asked.

He beamed. "She was amazing. You would've been so proud of her. She's resting now; I've only got a few minutes. I had to come out and talk to my EmmyBear."

Gracie scrunched up her little nose at the nickname. She really was getting too big. I wrapped my arms around Bella, breathing her in and just being thankful that we'd all worked out our issues enough that we could be a part of this.

"Jamie," Gracie whispered, "a looooooong time ago, you told me when we get a baby, it'd be my brother. Is Benjamin my brother then?"

He looked at me, silently communicating that he would explain things to her. She'd asked Bella and me this question at least a thousand times. Apparently, she wanted a response from _her Jamie_, too.

Bella turned in my arms and stood on her tiptoes, kissing me softly while James and Gracie began to talk about the baby. "Are you sad?" she asked me, nodding toward the nursery window and the tiny bassinets there. "Why would I be sad?"

She walked over to the window and peered in. "Do you wish it was us?" she asked quietly.

Wrapping my arms around her, I held her to me and kissed her. _God, I love this woman. _ "Not at all. I don't need a baby to get my 'happily ever after'. When we're ready, we're ready. Until then, I'm happy with the family I've got."

She nodded and held me closer before turning around and looking at the babies again. "Rose and Em are trying, you know."

"Mmm," I hummed, running my nose along her jaw and down her neck, nipping her soft skin slightly. "Now, _that_ I'm ready for. All the _trying_."

She giggled and pushed me away for a second, and then immediately pulled me back.

Such a flirt.

A nurse cleared her throat, effectively ending the attempted hospital make-out session with my wife. We walked back over to James, who was kneeling down in front of Gracie and listening to her with rapt attention.

"I miss you every day," he murmured to her.

Gracie laughed, telling him that he was silly and reminded him that he saw her all the time.

I understood what he meant though—I knew I'd go crazy if I wasn't able to see her every day.

She gave him one last hug and walked over to us, taking Bella's hand. "Bye, Jamie," she whispered. "I can't wait to meet Benjamin."

"He can't wait to meet you either, Em." He waved at us as he walked back toward the hallway that would lead him to his wife and new son. Just before pushing the doors open, he turned and said, "Saturday. Gracie, I think he's going to need help with his toys."

She got all excited and started chattering about teddy bears and Barbies. Eh, I was leaving it up to Bella to tell her little boys didn't like pink as much as she did. We watched him walk through the doors before she turned to me. "Daddy, can we _please _get ice cream?"

"Yeah, ice cream sounds great, princess," I answered, grabbing Bella's other hand and leading them to the elevators.

"When am I gonna get a brother for real?" she whined.

Just as I was about to open my mouth to respond, Bella surprised the shit out of me by saying, "Soon, baby."

"You always say soon." Gracie pouted for a moment before a huge smile lit up her face. "Since I don't get a baby, I know what you can get me to make up for it!" She clapped and then started to jump in time with the elevator, a trick Emmett had taught her.

Ignoring Bella's warning glance, I said, "What's that, Princess?"

She looked at me, huge green eyes pleading. I could never say no to that face and I just _knew_ I was probably about to go drop some cash at the toy store.

"Can we get a puppy?"

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**So that's it. We're done. There are so many other people that I want to thank, and I already know that I will forget someone. Chest-crushing hugs and big sloppy kisses to TwiSherry, Meg, Kherisma, Hooka, MsKathy, JaimeArkin, GGSophie, Amber, Erin, Dawn, Kaitlyn, Kari, tpea and Elle and everyone else on my thread, xtothey, and my **_**official**_** prereader, Saranic. Thank you HeatherDawn and RoseArcadia for the graphics and the love and the pimpage. **_**Thanks also to the preview team who has been beyond patient.**_** I {puffy heart} ya'll.**

**There won't be any sequels or anything like that—not that you asked. I'm not planning on any outtakes, either. There are two outtakes for this story, which are linked on my blog: www(dot)kassiah(dot)com. If you're interested, my next story, **_**il Sensale**_**, is a minikindofnovella and will start posting on 4-20. It's AU (yay vamp!sex) and should be kind of fun. Not as emo, for sure. After that, it's back to Forksnumbers. Thanks for your support—you don't know how much it means to me. Thank you, and I hope you've enjoyed **_**Somewhere In Between**_**.**


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